Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week: Holy Tuesday...Those Virgins are HOT !!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.
It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles.

John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…

Jeebus got the festivities started by saying...

“Behold; we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.

Cheers!!

Havin' Fun with Jesus

Even though my smoke-free Lent fell through, the Messiah and I are still pretty tight. In fact...

He agreed to once in awhile appear in zany situations on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations through Lent.

So with that being said, let's have fun with Jesus!!

Are you facing death within hours or even minutes and you have led a life of sin and debauchery which will certainly cast you into the caustic fire pits of Hell?

No worries, my terminal reprobate. Pick up some Jiffy Jesus!!

That's right. Just place Jiffy Jesus in the microwave and in sixty seconds or less you'll be experiencing the sweet taste of Salvation!! Jiffy Jesus...When Heaven can't wait!!

Is your demise less than imminent and you prefer to soak in the love of the Lord at a slower pace?

No problem folks, try Crockpot Jesus!!

Toss Crockpot Jesus into the crock, set on low, and the heavenly aroma of the mercy of Jesus will fill your house, and your soul for hours. Crockpot Jesus...it's what's for dinner!!

Thanks for helping out J-C. And now...


Tonight at 11 PM EDT on I'm with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and I are getting raw, naked, and talking SEX!!

That's right...We will be talking about all the sex we have ever had, especially those less than typical sexcapades such as car sex...pool sex...barnyard sex.

Let me tell you, we are going to dripping in sex tonight and we want you to drip with us.

Listen in and even better, call-in with your sex stories. You can access our radio page by clicking HERE.

And if you can't listen because you will be having sex during the show, call us at 661.244.9852 we'd love to listen in.

This is going to be a huge show. So big in fact, that hours before she died, Elizabeth Taylor did a promo for the I'm with Stupid sex show:



(if the button does not work, click: twaud.io)

Thanks Liz, and to all of you, I hope to see you on the radio tonight.

Cheers!!

Joyce Meyer Is Saving Me...One Tweet at a Time

It’s Friiiiiiiday Chuckleheads, so let’s get with it ‘cause we’re losing an hour of the weekend this…um…weekend.

First up, Jayman and I gave our souls to Jesus last night as we talked about Lent on I’m With Stupid.

It was another award winning show and one which all but secured our places in Heaven.

Marty Martenstein reported live via digital recording from Catholic Ash Wednesday church services.

He took us on a tour of the church’s gift store which not only included rosary beads, but anal beads as well.

Jesus Christ himself reported from my smoke free lungs and also did a bit of stand up. It was first class.

We had a fine crowd of folks in the chat room and in addition to IWS uber-fan Dub-K calling in, so did the uber-lovely Dianne.

And let me tell ya, nobody drops the fuck bomb any sexier than Dianne.

Through it all, Jayman did not cuss, and I did not smoke. So other than reports of some folks having trouble logging in and not being able to listen (thanks BTR), it was all good.

If you missed it, please give it a listen by utilizing the magical, I’m With Stupid archive machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

This Lent thing is really coming together and I am getting messages from above that I am already being blessed.

Yesterday morning I was alerted by Twitter that none other than Joyce Meyer is now following me on Twitter.

For those of you who don’t know who she is, she is one of my favorite domestic terrorists God filled televangelists.

I hope our relationship flourishes and blesses us both, Joyce. Let’s spend the day tweeting each other; it’ll be HOT!!

Lastly…I alluded to losing an hour this weekend. That’s because we all need to set our clocks forward an hour when we go to bed Saturday night/Sunday morning.

I never forget, because...

On Sunday morning I like to cure my hangover with a half dozen McMuffins with sausage and cheese and if I were to show up ay McDonalds with my Sunday hangover and discovered they were already serving lunch, I would be pissed.

So there you have it, kids. Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and rest up, for St Patrick’s Day is just a few days away.

Cheers!!

He Said and She Said...Listen to I'm With Stupid!!

Haven’t done this in awhile…

Time for another installment of, He Said…She Said where I and my BFF/OSP Schmoop go spontaneous with each other through the magic of Microsoft Word.

Let’s kick it, shall we?

Schmoop: I think it’s great that you’ve stopped smoking for Lent. How’s that going?

Matt: You know damn well how it’s going. It sucks. So, if you could, blow your exhaled smoke in my direction would ya please? Ima needin’ a fix.

Schmoop: Oh sure honey, no problem. I happen to have one burning right now, want a hit? Hee!

Matt: Mmmmmm. Thanks, that gave me a hard on. Time for nippy bottle of Rose.

Schmoop: Rose, and no smokie. Hmmm, interesting. Am I getting laid tonite, or are you too weepy?

Matt: Sure, if I’m not climbing the walls, but tread carefully…In my current nicotine-free state, I may be rougher than usual on ya.

Schmoop: Oooooo, yummy! Cuffs, or rope?? So, um, seriously though, want a smoke?

Matt: Fuck You. Ahhh that felt good. Glad I gave up smoking for Lent rather than cussing like our favorite son of a bitch, Jay did. Talk about difficult!!

Schmoop: Fuck yeah. I don’t know how the bastard is going to do it. I’d rather go outside and throw my own shit at rabid squirrels than quit fucking cussing.

Matt: Yeah well, he’s a trooper, or should that be, trouper? Hell, I don’t know, and really don’t give rat’s ass. I just hope Jay like me, sits in favor with the Lord when all this Lent shit is over.

Schmoop: Amen.

Matt: Ha. Well that’s all I got. I mean, other than beads of withdraw sweat dripping from my nose, so say, “Goodnight Gracie.”

Schmoop: Goodnight Gracie.

And now…

Tonight on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST, Jayman and I will be discussing Lent and what we have foolishly given up.

We’d like to hear from you, and what if anything you have given up as well.

In addition to that, Jesus will be reporting live from my lungs and Marty Martenstein, our fave Jew reporter, may ironically enough, be reporting from a Catholic Church.

Oh, the Holy-Hijinx that will ensue!!

Anyhoo…

Please catch Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid tonight on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST.

The number to call in is 661.244.9852 and you can access our radio page by clicking HERE.

While we hope you listen , we know one person who won't, and that would be Pat Robertson...The crazy man trashed us just yesterday:



(if the button doesn't work, click where it says, "twaud.io")

Until I see you tonight on the radio…

Cheers!!

No Smokin'...No Cussin'...Know Jesus

This is it folks…It’s Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent-a-Palooza 2011.

Christ is once again living out his last forty days on Earth and I am living a life of sacrifice in his honor.

This year as many of you know, I am giving up cigarettes for Lent. My partner in internet radio crime Jayman, is giving up cussing.

What a bunch of shit.

Come Easter, as always, Christ will resurrect himself and end up on streets paved with gold, and what do I and Jayman get out of it?

Damn right…heartache.

But, because we are superhuman we shall persevere just to prove that we are superior to ourselves. What? Anyhoo…

Already I can feel the mucus heaving itself from my lungs in a sea of green that would rival the discharge from Paris Hilton’s vagina.

My lungs rale bilaterally in an incoherent cacophony similar to a Sarah Palin speech, and…

My thoughts are manifesting themselves like the discordant verbal ponderances of a Charlie Sheen ustream episode.

Things…are…not…well, but…

It’s all for The Lord, and at some point I shall lie down in green pastures…and then smoke the shit out of it….Sorry…I’m fine.

Anyhoo…This week on I’m With Stupid, Jayman and I are honoring the Lord and Lent by discussing my non-smoking and Jay’s non-cussing.

It should be, a God Damn Hoot!!

It could actually be a semi-silent show this week as Jayman will be afraid to say anything lest he cuss, and I will be tapping my nicotine starved hand on my computer table.

So, we would really welcome your fucking calls this week in order to break up the muted smoke-free monotony.

If you’d like to join in, you can access our show page by clicking HERE. And as always…

The number is 661.244.9852

If you’ll excuse me, I see an old woman walking by my window and I am going to go beat the hell out of her for no reason.

Happy Ash Fucking Wednesday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Mardi Gras? Screw That, It's Matty-Gras!!

Well here we are. And exactly where are we Matt-Man, you may ask?

In less than 24 hours, I am giving up smoking; for today is Mardi Gras and tomorrow Lent shall begin.

In the past, in spite of my loathing of organized religion in general and the Catholic Church in particular, I have always made a sacrifice during Lent.

In the past, I have given up meat, and last year I gave up pasta and bread, but this year will be a monumental challenge as I am giving up something I have made oral love to for some 30 years.

No, not Schmoop, you idiots…I haven’t known her THAT long.

I’m talking cigarettes.

At midnight Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning my addiction and love for nicotine, carbon monoxide, arsenic, and my fave, tar, shall come to an end. However…

Between now and then I am going to smoke 8,000 cigarettes and I don’t give a fuck what kind they are, but I digress…

I’d like to say that I am doing this for myself, my son, and my future, but I am not.

I am going smokeless for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You see…

Centuries ago, Jeebus was put into bondage and bore a terminal cross at the hands of Pontius Pilate…Me?

I am in bondage and bear a deathly cross cast upon me by a guy named Phillip Morris. However…

I shall purge myself of this evil man’s grip on me and in the end, exalt the power and beauty of Christ. I’m fucking cool like that.

Now I did pray that Mary Magdalene would descend naked from the sky and help to distract me from the smoking thing, but I have something better, and perhaps a bit of alternate Divine Intervention on my side…

For just as Mardi Gras ends and the somber season of Lent begins, the parting and flooding of Schmoop’s Red Sea has abated and she is now dry.

While Jeebus wouldn’t cough up the lap of luxury that is Mary Magdalene in order to alleviate my oral fixation, he has given me back the Schmoop.

I appreciate that, and I shall, instead of smoking, feast on Schmoop’s God given Land of Milk and Honey until Easter.

So, at least this year as I am having sex instead of smoking today, this day, and in fact all 46 days of Lent shall not be known as Mardi Gras, but rather Matty Gras.

And let me tell ya…

Schmoop is gonna get at least one set of beads every damn day, because man, if my mouth ain’t smokin’ a cigarette, it’s gonna be smokin’ something.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

Fuck David MacDonald...I'm Fondling The Holy Grail

A brother of mine, who is a funny fucker, recently emailed me and said that the link he attached made him think of me.

It is an article (by one, David MacDonald) about why the Catholic Church correctly finds masturbation to be a sin.

First of all, I wondered…

Did the article make my brother think that I jack off too much, or…does he think of me when HE masturbates?

If it’s the latter, I am somewhat flattered, but more than a bit creeped out!! Anyhoo…

The first part of this article (which appears on catholicbridge.com) is all about myths about masturbation, and then goes into the Biblical precepts that talk against it and call it a sin.

The part I enjoy the most is one that follows which discusses ways to stop the sin of masturbation:

1. Avoid temptation…

The author offers suggestions such as no porn…Maintaining “soft eyes” while at public places such as malls, and, praying the following prayer:

"Lord come into this temptation, I ask that you remove any desire to look or fantasize in this situation."

I hate to play Devil’s Advocate here but evidently God was tempted by Mary, and without touching her, got her pregnant all through his mighty mind powers. I call, Holy Masturbation!!

2. Surrender Your Life to God…

Surrender? Pffft…The French surrender to everyone and Hell…the Nazis steam rolled through them in World War II because 2/3’s of the French Forces were caught literally with their pants down as they masturbated during the invasion.

3. Get into an Accountability Group…

It says, “Find someone with the same ideas and make daily phone calls…Getting honest with others who are sympathetic will really help.”

Ha…Sounds like the way phone sex starts, which of course, that’s right…Leads To Masturbation!!

4. Confession…

“For Catholics, it starts with making confession.”

Are you kidding me?

If one is sitting in a confessional talking about masturbation to a Priest, especially if one is a young boy, the Priest is listening to the boys sin, while stroking his own holy order, all the while absolving the sinner.

There are more suggestions but I really like the one that is titled, Restitution, which states…

“Cleaning up every aspect of our lives.”

Trust me, I clean up “my life” as soon as I am done jacking. It’s only courteous. So there.

So kids, don’t listen to the author of this anti-masturbation tripe, David MacDonald. Masturbation is good…It’s fun!!

Masturbation is good for the heart and good for the soul. And really, doesn’t God want us all to have a good soul?

Damn right he does!!

Happy last day of February. I’m going to spend mine blowing a load all over a picture of Scarlett Johansson.

Praise Jeebus for her creation!! God is Good!!

Cheers!!

Let's Boycott The Muslims...Or Not

Sometimes…

I think of myself, and all of humanity, in the way God, if He or She exists, thinks of us.

And lately, how could I not think of Him in terms of the proposed Islamic Cultural Center/Mosque near ground zero?

Some folks believe that the proposed Cultural Center should not be built. Some say it should be further away.

I have heard the argument, that unless Saudi Arabia and other Arab nations permit churches and synagogues in their country, why should we allow the building of this proposed mosque, cultural center, Muslim YMCA, whatever?

If that's a problem, I say let's not buy oil from Saudi Arabia and other Persian Gulf countries....Ha Ha Ha Ha..kidding, of course...that's crazy talk!!

I have also heard that the dirty Muslims and the Imam in question, should compromise and move their and specifically, his, proposed building further away from “Ground Zero”.

When I think about this conundrum and possible compromises, I think…What Would Jesus Do?

Jesus would never back down, no matter how much shit he got.

He would continue to cure the blind. He would resurrect Lazarus. He would say…

“Persecute me all you want, and kill me while you're at it; I shall not perish.”

The building of this Islamic Center “at ground zero” has taken on more ugliness that it ever should have, but the ugliness is there.

And, while it is here, let me say something…

If Jesus Christ came to New York City or Anywhere, USA today, and wanted to build a Church?

He would say…

“If sinners are congregations, I am going to have the largest following ever…Unless, they want to listen to my message.”

Cheers!!

My Own Private Jesus

Wow. I had a rough last four or five hours at work Tuesday night. I was a little on edge when I got home.

To ease my personal tension and hate for the human race, I opened a beer.

Just as I was cracking open my second beer, there was a knock at my door. It was my bud, Jeebus.

I let him in, and another scintillating conversation between he and I ensued.

Me: Hey Jeebus…I haven’t seen you since Lent. What’s up?

Jeebus: I was watching and listening to you at the Beer Mine tonight. You were muttering, “God Damn It” quite a bit. That’s a no-no, Matt-Man. Tsk, tsk.

Me: But I-

Jeebus: I know you were busy, and the people who came through were idiots, but because some moronic chick takes five minutes to decide between a Snicker’s Bar and a Kit Kat, is no reason to take my daddy’s name in vain under your breath.

Me: I agree, but I apologized under my breath as well.

Jeebus: True, but when the customer after her started counting out five dollars in dimes for a pack of smokes, you said to yourself, and I quote:

“Un-fucking-believable!! God Damn It!! Jeebus Take Me NOW!!”

Matt, Matt, Matt….you really need to watch your language, and another thing…

Me: Oy…What? What else did I do wrong?

Jeebus: The chick with the great rack who gets the Marlboro Smooths? Could you be a little less obvious when you’re staring down her top? She’s only nineteen, for Chrissakes.

Me: But man, she’s HOT.

Jeebus: Yeah, I know. When Dad created her in the womb of her mom, I remember him saying, “This chick is going to grow up to be one sexy bitch.”

Me: Your Dad does good work.

Jeebus: Yes he does. And the red head chick you drool over? Ha. She’s really a guy.

Me: What the fuck? Really?

Jeebus: Dad and I created her just to fuck with you. We were hoping you’d get naked with her…er him…at some point, and then we'd laugh our asses off when we saw you freak out. But, I couldn’t let you go through with it.

Me: Ha…That’s awful, but pretty damn funny….and thanks.

Jeebus: One last thing…That blonde who keeps flirting with you? Don’t do it. She’s been pre-ordained to give birth to seven kids. She could get pregnant with just a kiss. That is one fertile bitch. Stay far, far, away.

Me: Thanks for the tip, J-Man.

Jeebus: Anytime, my friend. Now, let’s have a blast of Rose before I go.

Me: Here ya go, my messianic Mad-Man.

Jeebus: God, this shit is still awful. Why do you drink this crap?

Me: ‘Cause Wild Irish Rose is just like me. It’s goes down rough at times…only a handful of people think it’s any good, but in the end, it can make a person laugh and feel better for awhile.

Jeebus: Yeah…it does one other thing that you do, as well. It can give you a hangover.

Me: Ha…well, yeah…there’s that too. Here’s to ya.

Jeebus: Cheers my friend.

Me: Right back atcha, my friend.

And to all of you on this most fine Hump Day…

Cheers!!

Solid Rock Church Lightning Strike: Big Butter Jesus Rouxs The Day

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

We are living in the end times my friend.

Last night just north of Cincinnati in Monroe, Ohio tragedy struck in the form of an Almighty lightning bolt.

With a flash of ecumenical electricity and the thunderous clap of God’s ginormous hands, the graven image or more accurately Styrofoam image of Big Butter Jesus, was turned to toast.

Fall to your knees and ask for forgiveness because our wicked ways have displeased the Lord so much, that he morphed the King of Kings statue outside The Solid Rock Church into a puddle of godly goo.

The metal frame is all that remains of this testament to the faith, love, and criminality of Pastors Lawrence and Darlene Bishop.

Pray for us all and pray that a newer, bigger, and animatronic Jesus is rebuilt soon. Yeah, an 80 foot tall animatronic Jeebus would be way cool….and pretty damn funny.

I take a moment to mourn our loss by playing Heywood Banks’, Big Butter Jesus.



Amen and Amen.

Our regularly scheduled offering is posted below.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Christ Is Risen!! Pass Me Another Slice of Pizza and Wash It Up, Schmoop!!

Happy Resurrection Day, Bitches!!

Jeebus has moved away that big ass stone and is now walking around in search of Mary Magdalene so he can tell her he’s back and that he wants to toss her salad.

I am going to go see Ryno this morning for a little bit, and then I am headed back home in order to end my six week breadless sojourn and eat pizza.

And when I say that, I mean eat pizza…all…damn…day.

Schmoop and I have been having a craving for Pizza Hut, so we are getting a large pan crust Super Supreme, and a large thin crust Meat Lover’s.

Holy Cow!! My arteries are getting as tight as my dick is hard just thinking about it. Oh Baby!!

Schmoop’s brother may be over for an Easter Service beer, but other than that, we will just be hanging out and eating…alot.

I may post some pictures of the gastronomical orgy later today, but other than that, I just plan on feeding my bread need, becoming one with Jeebus, and perhaps getting some of this for dessert…

Oh yeah…Praise Jeebus!!

Happy Easter All, and may you enjoy the day.

Amen, and Amen.

Cheers!!

Good Friday and Jesus: Dead Man Laughing

It's Super Happy Hole-ly Week Happy Hour™...so drink up Bitches; the laughs and Bagwine are on me.

As I have pointed out many times, Jeebus is one funny Messianic Muthafuckah.

Facing certain death did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL…and whatever shall I wear? I‘ve never been much of a cross dresser. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and he kept calling me Moses.

I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses. Yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Jew? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

And then he spoke...

"Y'know how I walked on water? I strapped on a pair of water moccasins. LOL"

Once at Golgotha, and being readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

“Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.”

He brought the crowd down with that one and then Jeebus had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, Bagwine Classic:

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said...

“Tetelestai, Bitches”.

And so it was…

Only two days until I can eat bread again…Praise Jeebus!!

Have a wonderful weekend and a Happy Easter all.

Cheers!!

P.S. Congrats to the University of Dayton Flyers who won the 2010 NIT Basketball Championship. They defeated the Tar Heels of North Carolina 79-68 Thursday night. Take that you ACC Bitches. Boo Yah!!

Jesus Betrayed By a Kiss And Jews Are Running Amok

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tuesday marked the beginning of Passover. AND…

I only have four more days of this breadlessness bullshit.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I can taste the pizza already. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.
Why did he do this? It has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters.

After two long ass days at work, I am off and will be spending my day drinking and watching TV as pedophilia victims attack Pope Benedict XVI.

I think ol’ Blitzkrieg Benny is going to soon find out how it feels to take it up the ass…and I dig it.

Cheers!!

Holy Tuesday Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

As postal employee Newman once uttered:

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

On Mondays and Tuesdays, I now work from 10 A.M. til' 9 P.M., so I have little time to surf around, so I shall catch up with ya all sometime Wednesday...Unless my computer pukes, the color is off and it's making a very odd noise.

Cheers!!

Inky and Lola: The Passion of Christ

Cheers!!

Easter Ham

I haven’t talked much about the upcoming Easter holiday this year, but never fear; this coming Monday marks the beginning of…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Now those of you who have been drinking the Bagwine for awhile know how reflective, informational, and down right exciting SHHJW is on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations.

I thought today, in order to get us all in the Easter mood, I would visit a question that many people have.

Why do so many Christians, specifically American Christians, eat ham at Easter? It’s as though the religious holiday and the porcine flesh are synonymous with one and other.

I have already heard advertisements for grocery stores exclaiming, “It’s not too early to order and/or pick up your Easter Ham."

Many cultural, societal, and religious historians will tell you that as Easter celebrations began to spring up in America, that pork was plentiful.

Hogs were butchered in the late fall and were smoked and cured for preservation. Thus come spring time when Easter arrived, ham was readily available, thus beginning the tradition.

Others insist that the eating of ham at Easter, was a clever marketing ploy by 19th Century pork producers who had a pig glut on their hand.

My imagination research does show that in 1818, a German immigrant named Richard Von Kopf, noted in his diary that there was an abnormally high rate of pig fucking going on due to the nation’s slop supply being accidentally tainted with peyote.

Von Kopf referred to this phenomenon in his writing as “Sows Gone Wild.” Interesting, however…

Many folks were eating ham at Easter prior to the Great Swine Sex Outbreak of 1818. So what gives? To answer that, one must go back to the day that Jeebus was resurrected.

Shortly after the tomb was discovered open and Jeebus nowhere to be found, Jeebus appeared to Mary Magdalene.

After exchanging pillow talk and Jeebus asking Magdalene if she would show him her tits before he roamed around for a few days and then ascended into heaven, Mary whipped em’ out and said…

“You are risen my Lord. This makes you new a new religion unto thou self. We shall worship and praise you for all eternity. You kicked those dirty Heebs right in the baby makers by rising up on this first Sabbath after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

We shall honor thou on this day every year until God’s Kingdom comes. We shall sing, pray, and above all, feast in your name.

In fact, in order to give those murdering Jew basatrds a big ol’ Fuck You, we shall gorge ourselves on the flesh of the pig.”

Jeebus nodded and laughed...He gave Mary a big wet kiss, licked each exposed breast, and began to his roamin'. But then, after a few steps, he turned around said unto her…

“Hey Mary, the ham does sounds great, but please, don’t put pineapple on it. That is so fucking gay.”

And that my friends is why we eat ham on Easter, and it also why that not only in my eyes, but in those of the Holy Baby Jeebus, putting pineapple on a perfectly cooked smoked ham is a Goddamn sin.

Cheers!!

Using Another's Path Doesn't Make You A Follower

“I got to say, you get absolutely no support from me. It's not that I don't want to see you succeed in your own personal sacrifice (that's a good thing) but to do it when the church is doing it, that's sucking up to the church…” --Micky-T

My buddy Mick uttered those words in a comment to me yesterday as I began my 46 day long Lenten sacrifice of not eating bread, pasta, etc.

I was slightly amused at first, because I know how Mick hates the Catholic Church and many religious things in general. And…that’s cool, the Mick-Man is his own man and a good guy.

I thoughtfully pondered his comment. Within my mind Mick’s comment raised a good point, but not the one which he had initially proffered.

Allow me to ‘splain…

Four years ago I began giving up meat for Lent. Well, that had become easy and lacked challenge. I almost looked forward to it, because it offered me an opportunity to come up with off the wall meatless recipes for six weeks a year.

So this year, I opted for giving up bread, pasta, and the like…and that’s where we are today.

Of course…that doesn’t answer the question of why I began doing this, nor does it address the concerns raised by the aforementioned Mick.

Back in 2005, before I even began this site, I had ballooned up to 270 pounds and started dieting. Four years ago, I still weighed some 225 pounds. I had hit my wall. I couldn’t lose anymore weight.

I had just gotten my Driver’s License in February of '06 and I hated the picture on it. My head was incredible evidence of how big I had gotten, and I didn‘t like it. In fact, I hated myself. So…

Lent was drawing nigh and I thought…What can I do to push myself over this wall of weight stalemate? And then it dawned on me.

Lent is coming up, I’ll give up meat for those six weeks and eat healthier. I managed to make it through the first Lent and continued the same the sacrifice up to this year.

Today I weigh 173 pounds, and as far as that part of my life goes, I dig it.

I weigh less than I did in High School, although the weight has shifted since then, and I had more teeth and hair, so I still looked better in High School than I do today, but nonetheless…

But, it goes far beyond the weight thing. When my No Knead for the Devil Tour is done come Easter, I will feel better about myself because I accomplished something.

You see…I’m pretty smart, fairly creative, and a hard worker, but I lack discipline. I’m a big picture kinda guy who says, “Fuck the details.”

Using Lent as a timeline to get something done gives me structure for at least part of the year, and it affords me the opportunity to know that if I put my mind to something I can get it done.

It’s not at all about the Catholic Church, but it does in a roundabout way have something to do with religious teachings.

How can I, as it is written in Leviticus, love thy neighbor as thy self, if I don’t love myself? How can I do unto others, as the Sermon on the Mount teaches us, if I don’t want to do a damn thing myself?

No, this has nothing to do with any church, Catholic or otherwise. This is all about making myself a better person. A stronger person. A person who can answer the call when met with change and challenge.

And yes…it really is that simple. I like doing it for myself.

Before I go, I want to post a video for Clay Perry. He made me laugh last night and he digs Schmoop so here it is…

A Half Naked Thursday video that Schmoop and I did a year or so ago. She’s uber-cute at the very end. Enjoy.

Cheers!!

Lent 2010: No Knead for the Devil

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t any more. Bread that is.

Lent has begun and I shall not eat any bread, pasta, or bread related products until Easter Morning.

This 46 day trek through the frightening, desolate, and crust-less wilderness has begun for yours truly.

Weep not for me.

Instead of your tears offer me hope, encouragement, and if at all possible, if you’re a hot babe, naked pictures of yourselves in order to distract me during this time of toast-less tribulation.

If you can do that for me and along with my own belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus, I shall be strong and will be able to say:

"Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Bread, I shall fear no piece of toast…no loaf of garlic bread, no steaming plate of macaroni and cheese…deep fried or otherwise."

I will stand with courage in the face of the leavened loaf and the palate tempting pasta.

I shall not be a slave to the tempting demands of a bowl of Chicken Noodle soup on a cold winter’s day. I shall not labor under the taunting of an onion bun that cradles a juicy hamburger.

I will not supplicate myself to the steamy soup and only after removing the burger from its bondage of the bun will I ingest it.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I had my fill of bread last night. Big Macs and Filet O’ Fish may have sated my stomach, but not my soul.

Today there is no bread…no manna from heaven for me; but feel no sorrow…for I am feasting on the body of Christ.

For the next 46 days, Jeebus will be the bun of my burger, the toast with my eggs…the mac-daddy in my cheese.

My belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus will be what separates my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s breaded soullessness.

And my friends…I am not alone. For there is another amongst us who will be seeking salvation through sacrifice.

Yes indeed…As he did last year, the Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be joining me in this 46 days of self-flagellation self denial.

Jay will be doing what he calls, Junkless 4 Jesus II: Electric Boogaloo. This brave and yearning soul will be giving up Junk Food, Soft Drinks, and…Alcohol. Holy Cow!!

Godspeed Jay…You do your Boogaloo and I’ll endure my No Knead for the Devil Tour. Together we will succeed and people will, in awe, be asking…

"Why the fuck did a guy who hasn’t been a Catholic in twenty years and one who has never been a Catholic give up all that shit for Lent?"

The answer comes from Jeebus’ mouth to my ear…

"Cuz they’re Matt-Man and Jay, Bitches!!"

Cheers!!

Lent: Give Us Not Our Daily Bread

This is it folks…It’s Mardi Gras…Fat Tuesday…the last day of joy until Jeebus is resurrected on Easter morn. Lent begins tomorrow, Ash Wednesday.

And this year during Lent, instead of giving up meat for 46 days, I am giving up bread, and bread related food. For 46 long, long days…

No bread, no pasta, no mac n cheese, no bun for my burger, nothing. It’s as if I am being crucified, but instead of brutish Dagos and uptight Heebs hanging me upon the cross, I am doing it to myself. Mea Culpa.

Ironic, this entire thing…In fact, I was discussing it with Jeebus Monday night when he stopped by to wish me luck and toss back a gallon of Manischewitz (God, I hate kosher Bagwine) with me.

I said to JC:

“It’s as though our journeys are mirror images of the other’s.

My Last Supper is Tuesday and my culinary crucifixion on Wednesday start at the beginning of Lent whereas your Last Supper and crucifixion take place at the end of Lent. Pretty Wild, no?”

Jeebus laughed, and said:

“Ha. I guess that makes you the Anti-Christ, Matt-Man. Bada Bing. I’ll be here all week ladies, and gentlemen. Make sure to try the veal and tip your waitress. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Damn…I’m funny, Bitch!!”

After saying, “Good luck with your breadless shit, Matt-Man.”…He patted me on the back, threw up on the cat, apologized, and left. He’s cool like that.

Anyhoo…

Today, Tuesday February 16, 2010 is the last day that I shall consume any bread until Easter Morning April 4th.

However there is a caveat. I weigh 174 pounds now. I told my BFF/OSP Schmoop, that if before Easter I hit 165, I shall once again eat bread as I do not want look to like a centerfold for Men of Auschwitz Quarterly.

But, there is some manna for me prior to this maelstrom of bread deprivation.

Thanks to my buddy Rat, as soon as I get off work tonight at seven, I am headed straight to McDonald's and purchasing fifteen dollars worth of bread wrapped grease for my Last Supper.

Quarter Pounders w/ Cheese, Filet O’ Fucking Fish, and of course…Big Macs. Oh how I love that middle section of the Big Mac bun that has grease, sauce, and a goodly and Godly dose of heaven on it.

I have no doubt that consuming these items will give me the first hard-on that I’ve had in a long time that occurs without me fondling myself. Praise Jeebus and pass the special sauce, my friends.

Enjoy your Mardi Gras…Mine will be spent consuming calories for Christ. And with that…I must reflect, gather strength for my breadless journey, and read my Bible.

I think I’ll begin with Genesis 19: 30-38. Damn, that always makes me hot.

Cheers!!

I Hunger For You

Every nook and cranny of her supple shape
Warms to the electric heat.
Her flexible body stiffens
Basking in the glow and the slow burn

She ejects herself into my waiting hands
I feel her soothing comfort in my sweaty palms.
I bathe her entire being with my creamy spread
I pull her towards my aching mouth.

I eat her. I smile. I crave more.

Dear God…I love toast.

©2010 Matt-Man

I do love it so. Warm, heavily buttered toast is one of the most beautiful and tasty things on Earth.

Of course, in a little less than a month, with the beginning of Lent, I will be giving up all bread products so it will be one of the things off limits for me until Easter.

And, I was worrying about pizza cravings during my 46 day trek through the wheat-less wilderness.

Pizza pales in comparison to the comfort of warm toast, dripping in cream cheese, peanut butter, or of course…Butter!!

My heart aches just thinking about not having toast for some six weeks, but my soul and belief in the Holy Soon-to-be-Nailed-to-a-Cross Jeebus will be what separates me and my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s chastising.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I will eat as much toast as I can between now and February 17th in order to allay my bread detox. Knowing this, Schmoop went to the store in order to get a big tub of butter.

Typically we keep a small one on hand but she went all out and purchased a big tub of butter. Well, we think it’s butter…You see, Schmoop bought this…

That’s right she bought a big tub of, “Spread”.

It might be butter. It might not be. All Schmoop knew was that it was big and the name on the tub made her laugh out loud in the store.

Ha. And she calls me, my co-workers, and many of you a bunch of 12 year olds.

Who’s the twelve year old now, Mizz Thang? Uh-huh.

Cheers!!