Thursday, August 19, 2010

Happy Birthday!!

Today? August 19th?

Holy Cow, Bitches, this is the one day a year I take off and honor others rather than praise Sarah Palin…

So here we go…

Here’s to Bill Clinton who turns 64 today. My fave Prez of my lifetime. Bill RAWKED, and that’s all I have to say about that.

I wrote about this chick the other day, who out of the blue, contacted me. I was her friend, but she was personally “contracted” with another guy.

I never cared about that, I thought we were still friends after 30 years. Yeah, well, I guess we weren’t friends while she was attached which is sad, but...c'mon how's about some illict sex for godssakes!!

Nonetheless, I still dig her and wish her all the best. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Sherri…

Sherri and I have had sex in so many public places it’s incredible. Keep in mind, that was 25-30 years ago, so don’t think we’re still like that. But hell, bathrooms, tick infested beaches, sidewalks...we did it all.

Hell, anymore I never see her or hear from her unless she needs advice…Anyway, Happy Birthday Sherri!!

I still dig her…somewhat.

And now…the last Birthday.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Or more commonly known as, David, Schmoop’s brother.

David is a nut…No, literally…He’s fucking bat-shit crazy.

In fact, he’s like a woman.

His mood can change by the minute, but he has helped me and Schmoop out for years and still does, so how can I hate him?

I can’t.

In fact, I love the guy.

Anyway…Here’s to Bill Clinton and Sherri, but most of all, here’s to David.

In fact, I may hose Schmoop tonight and call her Sherri just to celebrate. On the other hand…

Schmoop may don a strap on, fuck me, and call me David. I know, that's icky, but.…

While they may be brother and sister, Schmoop and David are very close.

Very Close.

Cheers!!

24 comments:

MysteryChick said...

Bill is my hero.

There's a saying "A friend in need is a friend indeed or is it in deed". Anyhoo, it's nice of you to wish her well on her birthday even though she seems a bit self-centered.

I was good until the end then ewwwww! Thanks for the virtual cold shower Matt-Man.

Dianne said...

so many birthday plans!!

Happy Birthday to all 3

I adore Bill, always have and always will

David said...

tell us more about that strap=on session. Perhaps a whole post about how hot it makes you.

Mike said...

Happy birthdays to whomevers birthdays it is. I'm not going to go back and read this to try and figure all this out.

On another note, remember the Cards Cincy series. I felt bad about the Cards kicking ass so I've instructed them to lose a bunch of games to crappy teams to make Cincy feel better. So far so good.

Desert Rat said...

Felicitations to the birthday boys and girls! Sherri is missing out - so sad. Real friendship means never having to say, "I'm sorry but I'm married." Ha ha!

Michele said...

It goes without saying that we (in the Dogslife household)love Bill. WE went to hear him talk at Butler University in 2005. Amazing!

Scott Oglesby said...

Happy Birthday to ALL your friends and mine.

Oh and BTW, it’s been bothering me for a long time that you remind me of somebody and I finally figured out who; Jimmy Fucking McNulty from The Wire.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Hee. Hee..What? You didn't want to visualize me takin' it up the poop shoot? Cheers Chick!!

Dianne: Love the Bill. Cheers Sexy!!

David: Well, I may do that in the near future. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Who'd a figured, no? Reds 3 games up on the Cards. In August!! It's the end of the world as we know it. Cheers Mike!!

Rat: Oh hell she isn't missing out on anything. Perhaps I overstated things, a bit. I've been known to do that. Cheers Rat!!

Michele: He's so friggin cool. That's the only word I can find to describe him. Cheers Michele!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I had to look up who he was, and HA. I believe you may have hit the nail on the head. Cheers Funny Guy!!

Joker_SATX said...

Good Post Matt!

Yeah, at first I thought that Bill Clinton was an asshole..but lets face it. Getting blown in the oval office? That is the stuff of dreams.

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Damn right. Who wouldn't want to have sex in the Oval Office while listening to somone like Vladimir Putin leaving a message on the phone? That's Hot. Cheers Joker!!

Charlene said...

What Schmoo might do with that strap on isn't icky if you like that sort of thing!

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: But it would hurt. Unless I had a few pints of Rose in me. Hmmmmm. Cheers Charlene!!

Beth said...

I'm going out on my lunch hour, and buying a NEW strap on! Much, much bigger. Hee!!

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: You're not going to use any lube this time are ya, you Bitch!! Cheers and Zoooooves, Schmoop!!

Beth said...

No.....hee hee:)

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Well, well, another rooster in the hen house. Cheers Schmoop!!

Jay said...

Happy birthday to everyone! I think I'll have a drink in each person's honor tonight. Maybe two. Three for Bill.

Matt-Man said...

Well try to wait until I get home. I'll drink with you. Cheers Jay!!

Micky-T said...

So Beth said she's going to get a NEW bigger strap on. Yikes! Does that mean your comfortable with the one she already has. ....actually..... I DON"T WANT TO KNOW.

Happy Birthday Bill(always liked him) and Dave.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Ha. That was pretty good. Cheers Mick!!

Dana said...

Who doesn't love Bill Clinton?? Hell, I like him so much he could even get me to "smoke" a cigar!

Matt-Man said...

Dana: That makes you a Presidential Fluffer. Cheers Dana!!