Friday, August 20, 2010

Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™

It’s Friiiiiday, so you know what that means, chuckleheads…

That’s right…another installment of, Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™.

Thursday morning taking my son Ryno to school…

Me: So what kind of sandwich did Mom make you for lunch?

Ryno: Ham.

Me: Ha. I knew it. You have had a ham sandwich every freaking school day since 8th grade. Why do you refuse to expand your lunchmeat horizons?

Ryno: Well, for one, I like it, and two…I’m trying to make up for the ham that Muslims and Jews don’t eat.

Me: Ha. Good One.

Seven and a half hours later, picking Ryno up from school…

Me: How was your lunch?

Ryno: Ham-tastic!!

Me: Ha!!

At the Beer Mine Saturday night, walking out to a regular named Roger…

Roger: (loud, inaudible ranting)

Me: Would you li--

Roger: Jesus Christ…What took you so long to get out here? Holy fuc---

Me: Hey now. Let’s try this again. I’m going to go back into the office, come back out, and you will be nice to me, m’kay?

Roger: (grumbling)

Me: (coming back out) Hello what can I get you?

Roger: Twelve Natural Light and a pack of KB Light 100’s, please.

Me: See? Now was it so hard being nice to me?

Roger: A little.

Sunday morning standing at the window looking outside, as I am fondling…

Schmoop: Um…What are you doing?

Me: Just a-standin’ here by the window a-playin’ with my pee pee.

Schmoop: Do you have to do that where people can see you?

Me: I have to. I have developed a following.

Schmoop: You’re really proud of yourself, aren’t you?

Me: (still a-playin’) Hee Hee…yeahhhhh.

Schmoop: Oh Dear God, we are so going to get kicked out of here someday.

And that’s it for today, you lovable pervs, you.

I’m off today, Schmoop’s basement is done flooding, and she’s coming home at noon. You know what that means…

Damn right, Bitches…

It means that we may or may not have sex at some point, but we will definitely be pretty damned buzzed by the time Glenn Beck comes on at 5.

Have a Friday and a Weekend, all.

Cheers!!


By the by (I love that expression). Jay and I will be doing our final test show for our BTR show on Sunday at 11 EDT.

Here's the link if you'd like to listen in and call in if you're not all hungover n'shit like we will be.

Keep in mind, we have never used the switchboard and will be winging it, in order to get used to the particulars.

35 comments:

Charlene said...

When I lived in a high rise, I took all the curtains off the windows. They faced a residential neighborhood of one and two story homes. It was fun imagining some perve with a telescope.

Matt-Man said...

Charlene: If I was living in your area at that time, that perv with the telescope would have been me, and not your imagination ; ) Cheers Charlene!!

MysteryChick said...

I didn't put curtains up until my landlord asked me to. Apparently someone in the building next to mine complained. Oops!

Happy Friday!

Dianne said...

could you please stand a little to the left
I can't park any closer and I'm getting a stiff neck

do you want the photos in color or B&W?

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Complained? Was it a gay guy or a jealous woman? Cheers Chick!!

Dianne: I'll move whichever you want me to. And you gimme a stiff something but it ain't my neck. Cheers Di!!

Jeff B said...

Long after you're pushing up daisies, Ryno will be continuing on with your genetic wit. Loved his reasoning.

Matt-Man said...

Jeff: What I love about that fact the most? He recognizes that it came from me, and he voices that often with pride. Cheers Jeff!!

Mike said...

Ryno needs to be writing this stuff down for his book.

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Yes he should. He's pretty funny and thanks for the link head's up. Cheers Mike!!

Desert Rat said...

There's a typo on your blogtalk radio dealie. Jus' sayin'

Have a great Friday!

David said...

There is no better ham than a perfectly cured Hannukkah ham. Of course a Rosh Hashannah shrimp coctail can't be beat.

But...how could you offend the neighborhood standing in the window playing with your self-professed tiny wiener? Can they even see it?

Inquiring minds need to know. If I'm going to camp out across the street to stalk you, do I need my binoculars?

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Oh I know...The whole page is going to be gone over prior to our offical debut on the 29th. Much of it needs to be changed. That was just kinda "put up". Cheers Rat!!

David: First you talk about smokin' ham and then pivot to talk about my cock. I'm worried about you. Cheers David!!

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha I just got what you meant. I fixed it. Cheers Rat!!

Micky-T said...

Maybe you should change the title to....

Matt-Man’s Privates + Conversations


All signed up for the....

Meet The Press After Show
Tequila Rose

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Sweeet. Although the title will be changing I believe. Thanks Mick, and Cheers!!

Micky-T said...

Your Friday Post or

The Radio Show?

Matt-Man said...

Micky: The Radio Show name. Cheers Mick!!

Scott Oglesby said...

I left this comment earlier but it’s not here. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

Anyway, Ryno is not bad with his ham at all. I have eaten a PB & J almost every single day of my life since I’ve been a toddler. Asperger’s much?

Matt-Man said...

Scott: Ha...One of my best friends evah, ate a plain Peanut Butter Sandwich for lunch everyday from grade school thru High School. Cheers Scott!!

Desert Rat said...

Now, there is a new typo... ;-D

Jay said...

Ryno might be onto something here. Maybe Obama should follow his lead. He could go on TV and chow down on a ham sandwich or even carve a big piece off a huge pig rotating over an open fire, wash it down by drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels (which he will have to open to prove it isn't tea) and then get a lap dance from Hillary Clinton to prove he's not a Muslim.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Ha. Typos are my life. I live with it comfortably. Cheers rat!!

Jay: Crazy as that may sound...There would be some who would ask him to do that. And if he didn't? OFF WITH HIS HEAD!! Cheers Jay!!

Raquel's World said...

So far these are my favorite private convos.
That Ryno's a pretty funny dude,,,wonder where he gets that from?

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: He is a funny guy, and even though he is a 15 year old boy, he has no problem acknowledging that he gets it from me. I like that. Cheers Roc!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...hammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha. I like ham, but c'mon? Everyday? Cheers P-Man!!

David said...

ha ha ha...you are worried about me.

You posted about ham and displaying your manhood in the window and you are worried about ME?

You are probably the funniest human I know and I love your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, opinions and activites with us.

Cheers Matt-Man

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha...I have my moments, but the funniest? Not sure about that, but thank ya. Cheers David!!

Michele said...

Ryno's adorable. Sounds a lot like my kids. You've passed down the smart-ass gene. It's the best in the chain.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Ha...He's so smart if only he would pass it on to school work. Cheers Michele!!

Dana said...

So ... what you are telling us is that you'd rather live in a cardboard box than stop playing with your "pee-pee" (I feel like I'm 6) in front of the window??

Matt-Man said...

Dana: In a word....yes. Cheers Dana!!

Cheesy said...

I just realized I know where you live!!! hehehehe
I think I will get my eyes checked-new glasses- and take a trip lol....
Wish I wasnt working today I could call in... maybe next time eh?

Matt-Man said...

Cheesy: Hee. You do eh? Well come on by, and bring all of that hair of yours with ya!!

The show is tomorrow Cheesy. Wow, you do need your eyes checked. Cheers to ya Cheesy!!

Cheesy said...

I lost my hair... sigh...Ya I do need new glasses but mostly I just need a calendar!