Well folks…Tuesday night it almost happened.
Between 6:30 PM and 8:59 PM, and for the first time in over 2 years of working there, the Beer Mine nearly got the best of me.
I almost cracked. I almost cried…
I almost took my own life along with the lives of any customers in my proximity.
My face looked like that in the picture you see…A mélange of sorrow, despair, confusion, and unadulterated anger.
The day was long, but had been quite slow up until 6:30. Just a few cars here, a few cars there. Nothing exciting, and then?
The clock struck 6:30 and every stupid motherfucker in Bagwine, Ohio and some from parts beyond, showed up at the Beer Mine.
Customers drove through asking, “What do you have on sale?” “How much is that, and that, and that?”
And one of the ultimate stupid questions: “What kind of pop do you have?” To which I want to always respond…
“See those well-lit coolers on either side of your car that have colorful plastic bottles inside of them? That’s what fucking kind of pop we have, you fucking moron!!”
I also not once, but three times, got the classic…
“Could I get a pack of Marlboro Lights?”
And after getting them, ringing them up, and bringing them to the moron in question, I would hear the following…
“Do you have these in 100’s?”
Oh Dear God, the Stupid!! The stupid, along with my anger, was growing faster and thicker than a patch of crabgrass juiced up on Miracle-Gro.
And the cars never stopped coming. It was if an entire week’s worth of business was being compressed into a mere two and a half hours.
At about a quarter til’ nine I locked up the Ice Machine, and wouldn’t you know it…Two seconds later, some goofy old fuck drives in and wants a 25 pound bag of ice.
I wanted to say to him…
“It’s Tuesday night at 8:45 PM, why in the Hell do you need a huge ass bag of ice? Are you storing the body parts of your mom, who you just machete’d to death?”
And then…oh yeah, bitches, and then these two barely 19 year old chicks pulled in with six minutes left before closing.
I knew I was in trouble when they pulled in because I could immediately see the wonderment in their empty eyes…
It was as though I was looking at two kids who had just walked into Willy Wonka’s factory and were mesmerized by its beauty.
They looked at each bottle and asked questions about iced tea, Propel water, and…the price of gum. I longed to scream…
“If you two ass clowns want to look at every God Damn item in a place, go to the fucking grocery store!!”
But I didn’t, and they finally made their purchase…A lemonade and a XXX Vitamin Water.
I managed to make it through the night without killing anyone. I like that, and I am calmer now because I came home with this…
A bottle of Rose and a huge delicious slab of homemade Lasagna that Drive-By Mikey’s wife had made.
But, let me tell you...if I wasn’t off today and had to go back into the Mine with people like they were Tuesday night…
Someone would surely die.