Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Only By Super-Human Willpower, Am I Not Incarcerated

Well folks…Tuesday night it almost happened.

Between 6:30 PM and 8:59 PM, and for the first time in over 2 years of working there, the Beer Mine nearly got the best of me.

I almost cracked. I almost cried…

I almost took my own life along with the lives of any customers in my proximity.

My face looked like that in the picture you see…A mélange of sorrow, despair, confusion, and unadulterated anger.

The day was long, but had been quite slow up until 6:30. Just a few cars here, a few cars there. Nothing exciting, and then?

The clock struck 6:30 and every stupid motherfucker in Bagwine, Ohio and some from parts beyond, showed up at the Beer Mine.

Customers drove through asking, “What do you have on sale?” “How much is that, and that, and that?”

And one of the ultimate stupid questions: “What kind of pop do you have?” To which I want to always respond…

“See those well-lit coolers on either side of your car that have colorful plastic bottles inside of them? That’s what fucking kind of pop we have, you fucking moron!!”

I also not once, but three times, got the classic…

“Could I get a pack of Marlboro Lights?”

And after getting them, ringing them up, and bringing them to the moron in question, I would hear the following…

“Do you have these in 100’s?”

Oh Dear God, the Stupid!! The stupid, along with my anger, was growing faster and thicker than a patch of crabgrass juiced up on Miracle-Gro.

And the cars never stopped coming. It was if an entire week’s worth of business was being compressed into a mere two and a half hours.

At about a quarter til’ nine I locked up the Ice Machine, and wouldn’t you know it…Two seconds later, some goofy old fuck drives in and wants a 25 pound bag of ice.

I wanted to say to him…

“It’s Tuesday night at 8:45 PM, why in the Hell do you need a huge ass bag of ice? Are you storing the body parts of your mom, who you just machete’d to death?”

And then…oh yeah, bitches, and then these two barely 19 year old chicks pulled in with six minutes left before closing.

I knew I was in trouble when they pulled in because I could immediately see the wonderment in their empty eyes…

It was as though I was looking at two kids who had just walked into Willy Wonka’s factory and were mesmerized by its beauty.

They looked at each bottle and asked questions about iced tea, Propel water, and…the price of gum. I longed to scream…

“If you two ass clowns want to look at every God Damn item in a place, go to the fucking grocery store!!”

But I didn’t, and they finally made their purchase…A lemonade and a XXX Vitamin Water.

I managed to make it through the night without killing anyone. I like that, and I am calmer now because I came home with this…

A bottle of Rose and a huge delicious slab of homemade Lasagna that Drive-By Mikey’s wife had made.

But, let me tell you...if I wasn’t off today and had to go back into the Mine with people like they were Tuesday night…

Someone would surely die.

Cheers!!

23 comments:

Andy said...

Holy crap people are so stupid. I would have lost it. Cheers to you for keeping cool. By the way, do you carry a variety of Vitamin Water at the mine? Good stuff.

Matt-Man said...

Andy: Oh man...I barely scratched the surface in order to avoid getting too long winded in my post.

I like Vitamin Water too. We carry the Orange, Revive, and XXX. Revive is a great thing when one has a hangover. Cheers Anj!!

jme said...

i have just the thing to cheer you up, matt-man....a little website by the name of www.27bslash6.com

you will laugh your ass off, i promise. be sure to check out the one about simon's pie charts and lesley the lesbian. funny shit.

maybe you should answer all "stupid" questions as if you were a magic 8 ball....you can count on it, ask again later, etc. DO IT!

Mike said...

That was just a warning. Send me $10,000 or I'll have them start coming at 4:30 next time.

Matt-Man said...

jme: Ha. I like the Ask the 8 ball question thing. Cheers JME!!

Mike: So it was YOU!! Bastard!! Cheers Mike!!

Jay said...

Too bad there wasn't at least a homeless guy around that you could punch after work to make yourself feel better. I know it always works for me.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: The only highlight was that a hot chick had a new bra and she showed it to me...while she wearing it. I liked it. The bra was kinda pretty too. Cheer sJay!!

MysteryChick said...

Working with the public is a thankless, shit-fuck job...sometimes. Other times it can be amusing.

I'm glad you didn't do anything to go to jail. I've heard the internet connection sucks.

Scott Oglesby said...

I know that when I get into those kinds of moods the reason is always within me, not with the idiot filled world. Something else may be bothering you my friend.

Michele said...

So today you get to sit around in your boxers, drinking the Rose, and watching Fox Noise. That should make you a very happy man.

Matt-Man said...

Chick: The connection in prison can't suck anymore than it did here last Sunday morning during the BTR show!! Cheers Chick!!

Scott: No...it was the idiots surrounding me. It doesn't go deeper than that. It was definitely them. Cheers Scott!!

Michele: You know me pretty damn well. Cheers Michele!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm with you: The Stupid! I always know what I want when I go into a store, why should a drive thru be any different. If you want Marlboro Menthol Lights 100s, state that. The first time. Dumb-dumbs!

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Stupid never takes a Holiday. That's why I am loathing working on Labor Day. Cheers ETW!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...In jail, back when you could smoke, all they gave you were Marlboro Menthol Lights 100's (In Hell, they still furnish these)...

Raquel's World said...

Mikes comment was hilarious. I wondered when you would go postal up in that bitch. Thank god for Wild Irish Rose.

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha. That's pretty good. Cheers P-Man!!

Raquel: Mike's a funny fucker. True to form, while nearly going postal, I remained outwardly calm...but it hurt to do so. Cheers Roc!!

Dianne said...

you need some press on prison or gang tats
then just show your arms and look scary

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: Hell, last night I could have looked like Charles Manson and they would have been too stupid to notice. Cheers Sexy!!

Micky-T said...

Just minutes ago while I was in Lowe's a guy walked up to the cashier that was helping me and asked, "Do you know anything about this store?" she turned and looked at at me, opened her eyes wide, shuddered and turned back to him and politely said, yes sir, I do, how can I help you?

I felt her pain!

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Uh-huh...They're everywhere. Stupid people that is, not just Lowe's. Cheers Mick!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

...I hope Mic was wearing his moo moo at Lowe's...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: You know he was because it was "Wear the Moo-Moo, 10% Off Day". Cheers P-Man!!

Dana said...

Hey! Where have I been and why haven't I been commenting?

After seeing just a small dose of the stupid that visits the beer mine, I am somewhat amazed that you haven't gone "7-11" (that's king of like going postal, but in a "convenient" way) on some of your delicious customers.