Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Happy 18th Birthday Miley Cyrus!!

People across America are asscited because later this week, many across this fine nation, will delight in a four day weekend beginning with Thanksgiving on Thursday.

Thursday for many, will be a day off full of food, drink, football and, fun, yet violent domestic violence calls.

On Friday, also known as Black Friday…

Millions of Baby Jeebus lovin’ Americans sporting NASCAR ball caps, I Heart Sarah Palin T-Shirts, and pajama bottoms will storm the doors of Wal*Mart at 0500 and lay down cash for a well priced Wii while using their welfare debit card to pay for a three month supply of frozen pizzas and Little Debbie snack cakes.

After all, what’s a good game on the Wii or Xbox without something to nosh on!? Well, one must have a drink as well, so add a case of Mello Yello and Tahitian Treat to the public bill of fare as well.

Anyhoo…

It’s the official kick-off to the Christmas Season, but as for me?

My Thanksgiving feast and kick-off to the 2010 Christmas Season begin today, November 23rd. For on this day, Miley Cyrus turns 18 and becomes legal and oh so tender.

That’s right my friends…

Eighteen years ago, Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish Ray Cyrus watched excitedly as the lovely Miley popped out from Mrs. Ray Cyrus’ vagina.

After the medical team employed Billy Ray’s mullet to wipe the placenta residue from Miley’s face, it was apparent to all, that this child was on her Hollywood Walk of Fame path to stardom.

Ever since I came across pictures of Miley Cyrus during a late night Google Image search that accidentally contained the words, “Hot 12 Year Old Babes”, I have been enthralled by Miley’s beauty.

And now, six years later…I no longer have to fear Chris Hansen and public scorn hide my very adult feelings for Miley.

Today I can openly and gleefully say…

I long for Miley’s misshapen cheeks, her crooked front tooth, her small yet oh so nubile breastesses, as well the adipose tissue that lies sensually above her pubic bone.

Indeed my friends, indeed. For me, Christmas has already come…several times over.

I have even written a Christmas song for Miley, and I hope that perhaps she, in all of her new found adulthood, will come to Bagwine and record it with me.

It’s called, “I Came Upon You at Midnight Dear.”

That would make for the bestest Christmas ever. So Miley Cyrus, my dear…

When you blow out the candles on your cake today, think of it as your Emancipation Proclamation from sexual bondage.

And think of me as your Great Emancipator. In fact…

You and I can get naked tonight and play a sweaty game of, Newly Freed Slave Girl and The Horny Abolitionist!!

While you are on top of me riding my rock hard 13th Amend-meat to the land of milk, honey, and womanhood, I want to hear you scream to the world…

“Free Me, Abra-Matt Lincoln, Free Me!!”

So I shall, Miley, So I shall.

Happy 18th Birthday to Miley Cyrus.

Working a long one at the Beer Mine today, so I shall see you all later tonight or early Wednesday.

Cheers!!

18 comments:

Jay said...

Miley's 18th birthday should be a national holiday. She's old enough to buy cigarettes and porn now. And make porn movies too. I'm just sayin'.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I would never dare say anything about her making porn. I may wish for it, but I'd never say it out loud. Cheers Jay!!

stevenadamswv.com said...

And the trumpets of Heaven have sounded.

Doc said...

You just made my day Matt-Man!

Matt-Man said...

Steven: And I hope it's Miley who is blowing on them. Cheers Steven!!

Doc: Ha. I try my best. Cheers Doc!!

Dianne said...

I Came Upon You At Midnight Dear !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that did it for me

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: You mean that in a positive light, right? RIGHT? Cheers Sexy!!

MysteryChick said...

You got me at 13th Amend-meat and Abra-matt Lincoln.

I really hope she makes it to Bagwine for that duet!

Matt-Man said...

Chcik: Oh Baby!! All of you hot chicks that I am "gettin"!! Be still my heart. I'd always be happy to sing it with you. Cheers Chick!!

Knight said...

Congratulations! This was by far your most disturbing post to date. I think it was the hideous child's "adipose tissue that lies sensually above her pubic bone" that made me spew all over my computer. Thanks.

Raquel's World said...

I have nothing to say,,,but to say that I have nothing to say. Hmmphh.

Billy Ray Bondo said...

I've been known to nosh on a Little Debbie from time to time...

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO!

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Ha. Why thanks. I put a lot of thought into that line and was quite amused myself. Cheers Knight!!

Raquel: I like it when I leave people speechless. Cheers Roc!!

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: How was she? Cheers P-Man!!

Joker: Why thank ya, Joker. That's music to my ears. Cheers!!

Mike said...

When Miley came over last night she mentioned your blog. I told her you're a likeable guy!

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha. Very good Mike. I appreciate the good word you put in for me. Cheers Mike!!

Veneers Rockland said...

With veneers, no one will be able to tell you weren’t born with that perfect smile.