Thursday, November 04, 2010

He Said...She Said

Time for another installment of He Said...She Said

Matt: Holy Cow, the election is over and you know what? We have been together as friends or otherwise, for ten fucking years!!

Schmoop: OMFG! You’re right! Whatever shall we do for our anniversary?

Matt: Lessee…I all but broke my tailbone last night, and you are raggin’…Since we can’t have sex, we could eat a lot.

Schmoop: God, how pathetic…sounds good, can you make one of your casseroles with what we have? Mmmmm…casserole.

Matt: I was thinking sausage sammiches with green beans. I’ll make ya a double!!

Schmoop: Cool! Ooo, with the shelly beans? Good Lord, what have I become? I used to be fun, I swear!

Matt: You’re still fun, but I remember when you used to get more excited about me. Not Shelly Beans.

Schmoop: Baby, I’m still excited about you. You’re my love. I just need to get my head out of my ass, and show it more, and I will. Things with me are much, much better…I swear.

Matt: So….um…you’re going to show your head more, or your ass more? Ya lost me here.

Schmoop: I will show MY LOVE more, you fucking dicktwizzlingfucknozzle! Yes that is one word, butt hole. Please try to keep up, m’kay?

Matt: It’s about time. You have always been so scared to do that. Ten years dear!! Ten!!

Schmoop: Babe, I was afraid of YOU. You have the power to hurt me, and I don’t like that, but…I’m not afraid anymore. Hell, I’m even starting to make decisions without asking you what you think. It’s a start…isn’t it?

Matt: Yes it is…and you should really stop that.

Schmoop: Ok, but I’m really sick of pumping my own gas! Hee, I said pumping!!

Matt: That’s HOT. Will you be nicer to me if I pump with cash rather than credit?

Schmoop: Sure, but you have neither.

Matt: So…where does that leave me?

Schmoop: With me silly man, with me…

Matt: I can live with that, and or, in this case, you.

Schmoop: Ha! You’re a cuntnugget, and I love you with all I have. So there.

Matt: As long as I’m your cuntnugget, and by the way….Unlike last week, I’ll save this installment.

Schmoop: You were off all day, so odds are 50/50. Damn, last week’s was good too, butt munch! I say that with the utmost affection.

Matt: I appreciate that and when I get back with the Rose, Ima gonna pee, get naked, listen to you hemorrhage, and put on my new ND shirt. I love you.

Schmoop: God you are a fuckhole! I love you!!! Smooches!

Matt: Yeah, I love you too, ya shit.

And there you have it folks. The Bagwine Ruminations, He Said…She Said segment for the week.

I hope you stop by tomorrow for a very special I’m With Stupid promo. Until then…

Cheers!!

27 comments:

Doc said...

Happy Anniversary!

Matt-Man said...

Doc: Sez You. Cheers Doc!!

Raquel's World said...

What a romantic couple you guys are.
But how does it feel to be trumped by the shelly beans?

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: I've come to accept playing second fiddle to her love of food. You wouldn't know it by looking at her, but Schmoop can really pack it away.

I think she keeps me around 'cause I cook well. Cheers Roc!!

Jay said...

Happy anniversary you two freaks!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: A warmer, more heart felt, or more accurate congratulatory note we could not receive. Cheers Jay!!

Phfrankie Bondo said...

..All You Need Is Love (and shelly beans)...

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: True enough, for when one has those two things, all is right with the world. Cheers Pfunny Man!!

Knight said...

All that sexless affection made me nauseous. Screw you guys. Seriously it's just blood. Conjugate your anniversary!

MysteryChick said...

Happy Anniversary! You two use the BEST terms of endearment ever!

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Ha. Well said. And as far as the bloody conjugation, talk to the Schmoop. Cheers Knight!!

Chick: The BEST? Wow, thanks. Although Schmoop may throw up just a little bit when she reads your comment. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Joker_SATX said...

Congrats to you, you lucky bastard you!

C'mon admit it...Schmoop is HAWT!

Matt-Man said...

Joker: That she is...Uber HAWT!! Cheers Joker!!

Beth said...

Huh. So far we're freaks, and I'm hawt...I can live with that.

Matt-Man said...

Schmoop: Not only that...You are Freaky HAWT!! Cheers and Zooooves Schmoop!!

Micky-T said...

Congrats you guys, ten years ain't nothing anyone can shake a stick at.

Isn't the ten year gift wood?

Mike said...

I know a guy that lived with his now wife for 25 years before getting married. 15 more to go. Or 16 if you want to break their record.

Matt-Man said...

Micky: Maybe I'll shake my wood at her tonight, whether she wants it or not. Cheers Mick!!

Mike: There ain't gonna be no marriage, he said in Arkansawian terms...Probably. Cheers Mike!!

David said...

Awww....how sweet....aniversary...nice

Now what the hell are shelly beans?

Dana said...

I'm still stuck on dicktwizzlingfucknozzle being one word and butt hole being non-hyphenated ... not to be confused with non-hymenated.

Happy Anniversary!

Matt-Man said...

David: They're the little red beans you see intermingled with Green or occasionally limas at times. You thirst for knowledge dontcha? Cheers David!!

Dana: Thanks and I was wish I had been there at the time Schmoop became un-hymenated, but alas, I missed it by a few years. Cheers Dana!!

David said...

yes, I do thirst for knowledge....I like to think of myself as a cesspool of information.

Matt-Man said...

David: Well, your self-awareness is dead on. Cheers David!!

Anonymous said...

The Hub read today's He Said, She said and FORCED me to re-inact Schmoops part while he lamely pretended to be you. We were considering reversing roles but he could not bring himself to insult me the way she does you ;)
Ame in TN

Matt-Man said...

Ame: Ha!! I like that and I'm glad you finally commented. Thanks for chiming in. Have a great weekend and Cheers Ame!!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Schmoop needs to see her "lady bits" doctor and suggest a hysterectomy. No more bleeding and no more distractions, just good old fashioned fun whenever either of you feel like it! :-)

Matt-Man said...

Evil: Well if she or I had a few grand, she would gladly allow me to walk her across the street to the hospital and have some dude who speaks in broken English de-uterize her. Cheers ETW!!