Monday, December 13, 2010

The Post Of Christmas Past...

One of my all-time favorite and touching Christmas posts that I wrote four years ago. FOUR fucking years ago people!! Enjoy...


Awhile back I wrote about changing the definition of sex. I changed the definition of have, having, and had sex to mean eat, eating, or ate a meal.

This has remained one of my most viewed posts even today, mainly because several perverts type in a Google search using the words, “Sex with Mom”.

If you are unfamiliar with the post, you can go to it here:

Damn I’m Starved, Wanna Have Sex?”

Anyhoo, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex once again. I will offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, these are the rules…

Have Sex= Wrap presents
Having Sex= Wrapping presents
Had Sex= Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore are some real-life examples...

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend, Sherri, and I were having sex in my bedroom when one of my brothers walked in.


He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at it. Unfortunately, the little sneak also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas.

He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.


They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 am, and I awoke with a thirst.


I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me. Fortunately, I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink egg nog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season. In fact, I hope that this weekend my son and his mom go out, buy me something nice, and then take it home and have sex.


What could be more pure and traditional than that?

Merry Christmas all, and if you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I would enjoy having sex with all of you.


Cheers!!

13 comments:

Mike said...

SO that was your post I kept hit...... HEY it sure snowed a lot here.

doggybloggy said...

How's that funny working out for ya' - cheers knuckle fuck

doggybloggy said...

or should I say how's that funny working out for you knuckle fuck? - cheers

Matt-Man said...

Mike: We only got about 3-4 inches. I was so bummed. Cheers Mike!!

Doggy: I'm not sure which way you should say it, but either way...I certainly appreciate yet another of your occasional drunken comments. This one was a real zinger. It made me chuckle. Cheers Bow Wow!!

Raquel's World said...

That's a lot for my brain early on a Monday morning. I was like..."they have sex for 10 hours in front of people?"
NO IT'S WRAPPING IDIOT.
"his brothers and sisters helped him b/c he's lefthanded...gross" NO IT'S WRAPPING!
I hope I have confused you as much as you did me. Cheers MattMan!

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Ha. Actually I understood you completely. What does that say about me? Cheers Hot Stuff!!

Jay said...

I had sex all by myself on the dinning room table yesterday right in front of the window.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha. I just saw and read that. I bet it was a glorious sight!! Cheers Jay!!

MysteryChick said...

I'll be having sex all by myself all next weekend on the living room floor...

Joker_SATX said...

ROTFLMAO! This means I haven't had sex yet....

Rob said...

Brilliant

Absolutely brilliant

Thanks for the laugh and with great pleasure do I announce...

You've been nominated for December's Blogger of the month. More details can be found here http://inspiredbycaffeinenicotine.blogspot.com/2010/12/blogger-of-month-award.html And ask your viewers to vote for you

Matt-Man said...

Chick: You wrapping presents on the floor is hot...Can I help? Cheers Chick!!

Joker: Ha...Eh, I may not have any at all. But it's still cute. Cheers Joker!!

Matt-Man said...

Rob: I've noticed that you say that to a lot of people. Cheers Rob!!