Sunday, January 30, 2011

Egypt Protests: Hosni Is Getting Mubaraked!!

It’s going to be another gray (of course) Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio but not as gray as things are in Egypt.

Holy Cow…

All across Egypt, people with last names like Massri, Sawlaha, and Rahotep are storming bazaars, raping goats, and kicking ancient sand into the face of Hosni Mubarak.

The protests taking place in the cradle of slavery, incest, and fines for overdue library books, are growing more violent by the hour.

Poor Egypt…

Now the pundits and talking heads vacillating in the realm of the 24/7 cable news cycle will tell you that the protests are taking place for several reasons, and…they are wrong.

They will mention inflation, unemployment, and the iron hand of President Mubarak as the causes of the acting out of hate and despair.

Listen folks…

I happen to live down the hall from an Egyptian-American by the name of Ptolemy Jones and he has imparted the actual reasons for Egypt’s current internal strife.

Here are the actual reasons for the revolutionary actions plaguing the country…

Just recently, Egyptian State TV began airing Jersey Shore: Season One. I mean, if that’s not cruel, I don’t know what is!!

Many Egyptians are demanding that the name Tutankhamen come back into vogue for all first born males.


Residents of Cairo are screaming: "I've got a mule and her name is Sal, and I want my 15 miles of the Suez Canal."

The populous is upset that the government doesn’t have enough national pride to fix the nose on The Sphinx.

After the crazy bastards in Tunis chased their leader out of their country, Egyptians everywhere yelled,


“There’s no way in hell, we’re gonna be outdone by those damn, dirty Tunisians!! We’re Egypt Dammitt!!"

Only now, years after his passing, Egyptians have just found out that Yul Brynner has died and is not coming back.

After 30 years of ruling with a feigned caring of the Egyptian people, citizens of Egypt discovered that Mubarak had been running nothing more than an evil, self-serving Pyramid Scheme.

As you can understand…

Those are all good reasons to overthrow a government, but I asked my buddy Ptolemy Jones,


“Isn’t there something more? What is the overriding theme that coalesces the protestors into a force to be reckoned with?”

His reply was simple…

“Couscous fatigue.”

When Ptolemy told me that…the violence all made sense.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday folks. Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

12 comments:

Mike said...

I heard that a recipe for disaster includes couscous.

Scott Oglesby said...

The pyramid scheme joke worked at least!

Seriously, these are some historic, world altering events. I still feel like this is only the beginning of a tidal wave of drastic change. Good or bad some shit is coming.

Dianne said...

I didn't even think the pyramid scheme line was a joke, I think it's true!

couscous fatigue I get

I worry for the world Matty, and I wish I could make it better

Peace sugar

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Of course it does. In 1979 the Iranian Revolution all began at the Battle of Couscous. Cheers Mike!!

Scott: I dunno. Schmoop laughed out loud several times while reading this. That never happens. Here's to Revolution. Cheers Scott!!

Matt-Man said...

Dianne: I dig people overthrowing an oppresive regime but they better be careful what they ask for, Cheers Sexy!!

Jay said...

If crappy food was the fuel of a revolution the Brits would be rioting in the streets every month.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: Ha!! Good point. Cheers Funny Man!!

David said...

As much as I like couscous, I wouldn't want it in every meal so I really can't blame the common folk for their anger.

Since they can't have Yul Brenner as their political savior due to his untimely death, prehaps they would welcome Omar Sharif...since he really is an Egyptian. Odd, Brenner was Russian but Sharif portrayed a Russian - hmmmm.

I was appalled to see the museums being stormed and vandalized. The collections in Cairo are impressive from my experience and truly priceless.

Desert Rat said...

@Jay - maybe the Brits ARE rioting - they're just so sedate, it'd be hard to tell. They could do all KINDS of riotous things, like taking cuts in line and drinking espresso!

You know, the world has ALWAYS been full of violence - we just didn't have immediate access to that information. (Thank you Internet.) Folks were more involved in eking out a living on their own subsistence farm. Big news was the birth of a litter of pigs.

I miss those days when news was simply fueled by rumors.

Matt-Man said...

David: Omar Sharif would be a good leader...He could teach all Egyptians how to play bridge. Yeah, destruction of antiquities is sad. Cheers David!!

Rat: Ha. Good point about the Brits. I like ruors too, and try to start as many as I possibly can. Cheers Hot Stuff!!

MysteryChick said...

I really need to remember not to be drinking anything when I'm reading your posts.

Pyramid scheme and coucous fatigue? Bwahahaha!!!

Matt-Man said...

Chick: Ha...sorry about the mess. Hope you are well hot stuff. Cheers Chick!!