Monday, January 31, 2011

Hosni Mubarak and The Egyptian Protestors Don't Know How Good They Have It!!

Cue the theme music from Jaws, for the Great White Death is coming once again to Bagwine, Ohio.

Monday night through Tuesday we are to expect freezing rain with “significant icing”.

Tuesday night through Wednesday, we are supposed to receive more than a few inches of snow, and then, THEN, the temps are allegedly going to drop quicker than the fame of Ted Williams and his Golden Voice.

Ice, snow and frigid temps…

A Trifecta of Terror unseen since the 1940’s when militant chefs within the Rome/Berlin/Tokyo axis created and force fed Sauerbraten and Sushi Pizza to the conquered masses of Ethiopia, Poland, and the Philippines.

Oooooo, I shudder at the thought, as do most of the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio.

The reporters from every local TV station are already camped out at the grocery stores in order to capture video of folks buying up staples of, “milk, bread, and eggs.”

Evidently when people are stuck in their houses due to a snowstorm, they crave the comfort and security that only consuming milk, bread, and eggs can provide. Or, they feel like baking a cake…I dunno.

This is not good folks.


It could be a serious meteorological event that will test the will, mettle, and survival skills of yours truly…a test of survival and nerve more daunting than that which is currently being experienced by the protestors in Egypt.

Sure…

Egyptians throughout…um…Egypt are, as we speak, staring down the business end of tanks and the continued diet of couscous and oppression; however, it’s warm there, and they can move about the violence ridden streets.

Me?

When this haymaker of frozen Hell hits the glass jaw of Bagwine, Ohio, I could very well be stuck inside the digs Tuesday and Wednesday with Schmoop.

Two entire days with no way out, no where to go, and the Schmoop right there with me.

“But Matt?”, you ask. “What is so bad about that? Schmoop is kinda hot!!”

Well my friends, let me tell ya…Schmoop is, and will come Tuesday and Wednesday, still be ragging!!

That’s right…

If the forecast is correct, I will for two days, be isolated from the outside world, inside a tiny apartment, with a grumpy, sarcastic chick who is on her period.

Pfffft…

Fuck the Egyptians. I am the one who will be suffering, and where is 24/7 news coverage of my plight of oppression and internal upheaval?

Oh that’s right…

They’re at the grocery stores interviewing rude, panicking, mouth breathers with screaming kids who are buying up all of the God Damn milk, bread, and eggs!!

Fuckers.

Anyhoo…Happy Monday to you all, and if you never hear from me again, it means one of two things…

Either Schmoop couldn’t take me any longer, and gutted me like a trout, or…

I tried to escape, slipped on the ice, and died from a sub dermal hematoma.

Either way…my demise won’t make the news.

Cheers!!

16 comments:

Jay said...

This could be a loooooooong week dude. But, I know you are up to the challenge. As long as you have enough Rose.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I will use some rare down time tomorrow morning in order to stock up on Rose and Dilaudid. I appreciate your concern. Cheers Jay!!

David said...

Here in DC they go shopping for bread, milk and toilet paper. They seem to have little use for eggs.

I guess I'm too old to remember the monthly cycles but as a casual observer, it seems to me that poor Schmoop seems to have an excessive frequency of suffering from the sloughing of her uterus. I really don't understand why women don't want the 12 month dose of birth control pills to prevent the monthly "curse". There really is something to be said for men-o-pause.

Mike said...

That picture of Schmoop, are those claw marks on the wall?

Scott Oglesby said...

I feel bad for you poor bastards. Every time I look there’s another blizzard headed to the northeast. That, my friend, is why I move to Florida. Fuck_that!

You just gave me a serious craving for some bacon, eggs and toast for dinner though. Breakfast for dinner is awesome!

Matt-Man said...

David: There is always the option of Birth Control pill usage... and its accompanying weight gain and increased risk of cancer. Cheers David!!

Mike: Yes, they are but if you really want o be impressed you see the ones on my back. Cheers Mike!!

Matt-Man said...

Scott: I loooooove the snow, so I don't mind, but I am decidedly in the minority. And breakfast for sup is good. I recently made Schmoop a bacon and cheese omelet with english muffins for 'sup. Cheers Scott!!

Justice Bondo said...

Hey- "mouth breathers",just like hairlips, retards, and midets, need to eat too!...just sayin'.

Matt-Man said...

P-Man: Ha...Well I guess you're right. I just don't like the way that mouth breathers inhale their food. Hey-Oooooooo. Cheers P-Man!!

Desert Rat said...

I'm *totally* having bacon, eggs, and toast for dinner! That's the ticket.

It's raining, here. We haven't reached gridlock, but the fact that we got precipitation will be all over the news.

The panic-stricken shoppers at WalMart will be stocking up on Corona, Doritos, and Twinkies.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: I love bacon, eggs, and heavily buttered toast anytime. Enjoy the pitter patter of the rain, and stay out of the way of mouth frothing shoppers. Cheers Lovely One!!

David said...

>>>the way that mouth breathers inhale their food.

Now that right there is some fine play on words and quite humorous.

Beth said...

You may be stuck with me for one or two days, but not to fear. I'll be sitting in the corner drunk ;)

Matt-Man said...

David: Ha...A bit obvious, but a chuckle nonetheless. Cheers David!!

Schmoop: That's Hot. Cheers and Zoooooves!!

Raquel's World said...

Hey Schmoop and I are sharing a cycle. Cool huh?

Anyhoo,, at least you haven't stopped smoking yet b/c that would be a deadly combo. Hang in there.

Matt-Man said...

Raquel: Oh wow...That is kinda hot. Yes indeed Roc, five weeks until the smoke free day...I CAN HARDLY WAIT!! ; )~ Cheers Sexy!!