Cue the theme music from Jaws, for the Great White Death is coming once again to Bagwine, Ohio.
Monday night through Tuesday we are to expect freezing rain with “significant icing”.
Tuesday night through Wednesday, we are supposed to receive more than a few inches of snow, and then, THEN, the temps are allegedly going to drop quicker than the fame of Ted Williams and his Golden Voice.
Ice, snow and frigid temps…
A Trifecta of Terror unseen since the 1940’s when militant chefs within the Rome/Berlin/Tokyo axis created and force fed Sauerbraten and Sushi Pizza to the conquered masses of Ethiopia, Poland, and the Philippines.
Oooooo, I shudder at the thought, as do most of the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio.
The reporters from every local TV station are already camped out at the grocery stores in order to capture video of folks buying up staples of, “milk, bread, and eggs.”
Evidently when people are stuck in their houses due to a snowstorm, they crave the comfort and security that only consuming milk, bread, and eggs can provide. Or, they feel like baking a cake…I dunno.
This is not good folks.
It could be a serious meteorological event that will test the will, mettle, and survival skills of yours truly…a test of survival and nerve more daunting than that which is currently being experienced by the protestors in Egypt.
Egyptians throughout…um…Egypt are, as we speak, staring down the business end of tanks and the continued diet of couscous and oppression; however, it’s warm there, and they can move about the violence ridden streets.
When this haymaker of frozen Hell hits the glass jaw of Bagwine, Ohio, I could very well be stuck inside the digs Tuesday and Wednesday with Schmoop.
Two entire days with no way out, no where to go, and the Schmoop right there with me.
“But Matt?”, you ask. “What is so bad about that? Schmoop is kinda hot!!”
Well my friends, let me tell ya…Schmoop is, and will come Tuesday and Wednesday, still be ragging!!
If the forecast is correct, I will for two days, be isolated from the outside world, inside a tiny apartment, with a grumpy, sarcastic chick who is on her period.
Fuck the Egyptians. I am the one who will be suffering, and where is 24/7 news coverage of my plight of oppression and internal upheaval?
Oh that’s right…
They’re at the grocery stores interviewing rude, panicking, mouth breathers with screaming kids who are buying up all of the God Damn milk, bread, and eggs!!
Anyhoo…Happy Monday to you all, and if you never hear from me again, it means one of two things…
Either Schmoop couldn’t take me any longer, and gutted me like a trout, or…
I tried to escape, slipped on the ice, and died from a sub dermal hematoma.
Either way…my demise won’t make the news.