Brooklyn Decker Naked: Things Are Warming Up!!

I got nothing’ and today I shall be busy…sorta…kinda…whatever. So, let’s quickly recap this past week’s events.

The Packers won the Super Bowl. I had a birthday and got drunk. Egyptians, using a play from the Jewish playbook, freed themselves from bondage.

That about sums things up. You’re welcome.

And now a pretty picture of Brooklyn Decker naked…

Trust me…in my mind, she is very, very naked, and so am I.

Anyhoo…

Ryno did have a basketball game last night and the ECA Lions roared to victory:

The box score:

MIAMI VALLEY (44) — Robinson 1 0-0 3, C. Roe 4 0-0 11, Lemon 1 0-2 2, Benedict 2 3-4 8, Makiewicz 3 5-7 12, B. Watson 2 2-4 8. Totals: 13 10-17 44.

EMMANUEL CHRISTIAN (52) — D. Stroder 0 0-1 0, R. Mahoney 2 1-2 7, J. Klawer 2 0-2 5, K. Stewart 3 2-4 8, E. Aikens 1 0-0 2, J. Reep 4 5-7 13, A. Stumpf 1 1-2 3, M. Scott 6 2-4 14. Totals: 19 11-22 52.

3-pointers: Miami Valley 8 ( Robinson 1, C. Roe 3, Benedict 1, Makiewicz 1, B. Watson 2); Emmanuel Christian 3 (R. Mahoney 2, J. Klawer 1).

My little sophomore had a good game. I leave right after the game so that by the time Ryno gets out of the building, he can call me.

It puts a smile on my face to hear the smile on his over the phone after a game like that. The Lions have another one tonight, so here’s to a good game boys.

That’s all I got. That’s all there is. There isn’t any more.

Have a wonderful weekend. I will, because we will be in the 40’s by tomorrow. Praise Jeebus!!

Cheers!!

Hosni Mubarak and The Egyptian Protestors Don't Know How Good They Have It!!

Cue the theme music from Jaws, for the Great White Death is coming once again to Bagwine, Ohio.

Monday night through Tuesday we are to expect freezing rain with “significant icing”.

Tuesday night through Wednesday, we are supposed to receive more than a few inches of snow, and then, THEN, the temps are allegedly going to drop quicker than the fame of Ted Williams and his Golden Voice.

Ice, snow and frigid temps…

A Trifecta of Terror unseen since the 1940’s when militant chefs within the Rome/Berlin/Tokyo axis created and force fed Sauerbraten and Sushi Pizza to the conquered masses of Ethiopia, Poland, and the Philippines.

Oooooo, I shudder at the thought, as do most of the denizens of Bagwine, Ohio.

The reporters from every local TV station are already camped out at the grocery stores in order to capture video of folks buying up staples of, “milk, bread, and eggs.”

Evidently when people are stuck in their houses due to a snowstorm, they crave the comfort and security that only consuming milk, bread, and eggs can provide. Or, they feel like baking a cake…I dunno.

This is not good folks.

It could be a serious meteorological event that will test the will, mettle, and survival skills of yours truly…a test of survival and nerve more daunting than that which is currently being experienced by the protestors in Egypt.

Sure…

Egyptians throughout…um…Egypt are, as we speak, staring down the business end of tanks and the continued diet of couscous and oppression; however, it’s warm there, and they can move about the violence ridden streets.

Me?

When this haymaker of frozen Hell hits the glass jaw of Bagwine, Ohio, I could very well be stuck inside the digs Tuesday and Wednesday with Schmoop.

Two entire days with no way out, no where to go, and the Schmoop right there with me.

“But Matt?”, you ask. “What is so bad about that? Schmoop is kinda hot!!”

Well my friends, let me tell ya…Schmoop is, and will come Tuesday and Wednesday, still be ragging!!

That’s right…

If the forecast is correct, I will for two days, be isolated from the outside world, inside a tiny apartment, with a grumpy, sarcastic chick who is on her period.

Pfffft…

Fuck the Egyptians. I am the one who will be suffering, and where is 24/7 news coverage of my plight of oppression and internal upheaval?

Oh that’s right…

They’re at the grocery stores interviewing rude, panicking, mouth breathers with screaming kids who are buying up all of the God Damn milk, bread, and eggs!!

Fuckers.

Anyhoo…Happy Monday to you all, and if you never hear from me again, it means one of two things…

Either Schmoop couldn’t take me any longer, and gutted me like a trout, or…

I tried to escape, slipped on the ice, and died from a sub dermal hematoma.

Either way…my demise won’t make the news.

Cheers!!

Egypt Protests: Hosni Is Getting Mubaraked!!

It’s going to be another gray (of course) Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio but not as gray as things are in Egypt.

Holy Cow…

All across Egypt, people with last names like Massri, Sawlaha, and Rahotep are storming bazaars, raping goats, and kicking ancient sand into the face of Hosni Mubarak.

The protests taking place in the cradle of slavery, incest, and fines for overdue library books, are growing more violent by the hour.

Poor Egypt…

Now the pundits and talking heads vacillating in the realm of the 24/7 cable news cycle will tell you that the protests are taking place for several reasons, and…they are wrong.

They will mention inflation, unemployment, and the iron hand of President Mubarak as the causes of the acting out of hate and despair.

Listen folks…

I happen to live down the hall from an Egyptian-American by the name of Ptolemy Jones and he has imparted the actual reasons for Egypt’s current internal strife.

Here are the actual reasons for the revolutionary actions plaguing the country…

Just recently, Egyptian State TV began airing Jersey Shore: Season One. I mean, if that’s not cruel, I don’t know what is!!

Many Egyptians are demanding that the name Tutankhamen come back into vogue for all first born males.

Residents of Cairo are screaming: "I've got a mule and her name is Sal, and I want my 15 miles of the Suez Canal."

The populous is upset that the government doesn’t have enough national pride to fix the nose on The Sphinx.

After the crazy bastards in Tunis chased their leader out of their country, Egyptians everywhere yelled,

“There’s no way in hell, we’re gonna be outdone by those damn, dirty Tunisians!! We’re Egypt Dammitt!!"

Only now, years after his passing, Egyptians have just found out that Yul Brynner has died and is not coming back.

After 30 years of ruling with a feigned caring of the Egyptian people, citizens of Egypt discovered that Mubarak had been running nothing more than an evil, self-serving Pyramid Scheme.

As you can understand…

Those are all good reasons to overthrow a government, but I asked my buddy Ptolemy Jones,

“Isn’t there something more? What is the overriding theme that coalesces the protestors into a force to be reckoned with?”

His reply was simple…

“Couscous fatigue.”

When Ptolemy told me that…the violence all made sense.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday folks. Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

When Matt-Man Was in Egypt Land...

Just a brief post on this beautiful, half-way warm Monday.

I am going to spend time today fixing and updating my Links That Make Me Drink, finally catch up on everyone’s blog, and…

Get to work on producing a Blog-Fo-Mercial ™ for a special someone.

Later, I will have to go to my new P/T job that I took in order to supplement my seemingly pro bono writing career, and anemic Bagwine Apparel sales.

Oh, and if you read yesterday’s post, you know that I have to send a scathing e-mail to Conan O’Brien.

Why do I share with you my daily schedule? I share, because I care.

I can impart to you a few things that I dreamed of last night.

I fell asleep watching a couple of specials on Ancient Egypt on the Discovery Channel. Doing that, greatly influenced my dreams.

I dreamed that I lived in Ancient Egypt and was a Pharaoh. My name was Akhenmattman I, and I rocked…

I led armies against the Akkadian Empire, put the Hebrews into bondage, and surrounded myself with a palace full of Nubian nookie.

Sometimes I had those busty harlots put me into bondage. But man did the place ever smell. Whewwww!!

In addition to my military, social, and 120 hour work week innovations I also did something else. I invented stand-up comedy.

More accurately, BAD Stand-Up Comedy.

I had the Nile Valley denizens rollin’ in their hovels. It helped to keep their indentured minds off just how miserable their lives were.

Here’s a couple of samples:

Knock Knock. Who’s There?…Hiero. Hiero, Who?…Hieroglyphics-Gram. Hahahaha.

Wow, who cut the goat cheese? ‘Cause it really Sphinx in here. Hahahaha.

How many slaves does it take to change a light bulb? None, because electricity hasn’t been invented yet. Hahahahaha.

Yep, not that funny to us, but the Hebrew slaves ate it up. I even had at least a dozen Jews begging me to let them be my agent.

Anyhoo, one thing about my dream is the giant obelisk built in my honor and likeness. It was unlike any obelisk you have ever seen.

I drew a picture of it for you…

Ahhhh. Such a fine tribute denoting my uber-masculinity, virility, and the fact that I am a major dickhead.

Enjoy your Monday, and I’ll see ya soon.

Cheers!!