Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Back on the Chain Gang

Pizza Bill and I are headed back to the employ of Drive-By Mikey and The Beer Mine later this week, so…

I thought this would be a perfect time to re-visit the rules in order to make your trip through the Beer Mine speedy and enjoyable for yourself, the staff, and the customers in the cars behind you.  First off, an easy one. Drive-By Mikey’s Golden Rule:

No complaining…especially about the prices. If you complain about our prices, you will be told, “Well, Speedway’s down the street.”If you have three kids with you DO NOT wait until you pull in to ask, “What do you want kids?”

If you do this, you will forever be hated not only by us, but the other customers waiting patiently. If the kids don’t know, make their damn minds up for them. Quit spoiling the rotten little shits.

Another good way to speed things up for everyone, is to know if you have money PRIOR to pulling in and ordering.

Call me crazy, but when I go to buy something, I usually know if I have money on me. Just sayin’.

This leads to a related rule…

Know where your goddamn money is. Don’t order and wait until I get back with everything to stick your sweaty hand into a purse the size of a hefty bag looking for your money. Have it at the ready.

And please…if your order comes to, oh let’s say…$15.34? Don’t hand me a 20 and then say, “Hold on, I think I have 34 cents in here. It’ll help you out.”

It doesn’t help me out; the time you take to root around for cum stained pennies pisses me the fuck off, and those behind you even more so.

Oh by the way…DO NOT wait until we gather up all of your shit, ring it up, and then bring it to you to ask, “You take debit and/or credit cards right?”
We don’t. You might want to ask that when you first pull in, Einstein.

Knowing EXACTLY what you want helps too. If you tell me that you want a pack of Marlboro Menthols and I bring them to you and then you ask...

“Do you have these in 100’s?”, my answer will of course be, “no.” While I am pretty fucking amazing, I’m not Kreskin.

DO NOT ask us, “What kind of pop do you have?”

We only have a couple pop coolers and they are quite visible, so just look around quickly sport, unless of course you are a blind fucker, which leads me to the next rule…

If you are blind, you shouldn’t be driving and going through the Beer Mine.

I may enjoy you as a customer, but really…when there is a line of cars behind you, I do not have time to hear how your wife left you, how you got VD from your dog, or the smell of your weepy abscess. Get your beer and move along.

If we ask you for your ID, and you say, “Well, how old do you think I am?”

Know this…We really don’t fucking care, as long as you are old enough to buy smokes and/or alcohol.

If you want us to go outside during a thunderstorm to get you a bag of ice, we will say, “I’m sorry; we’re out.”

And lastly (for now) if I scan something and it doesn’t ring up the first time, I don’t want to hear for the 10,000th time:
“Hee Hee…If it didn’t scan the first time it’s free.”

If that happens and you say that, it’s not only not free, the price just went up 100% and I will pee all over your tires.

I hope that these guidelines can help us all have a more enjoyable upcoming summer at the Beer Mine.

The owner and staff of the Beer Mine appreciate your attention.

Cheers!!

19 comments:

Michele said...

All good things to know if I ever drive through the Beer Mine. One question? If I wear a very low cut wet t-shirt braless do I get a better deal?

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Of course...Bu that's an unwritten rule, which we will neither publicly confirm nor deny. Cheers Michele!!

David said...

Great news that you are headed back to work but, uhmm, will this interfere with your new career as a male escort?

Matt-Man said...

David: Not at all, it'll enhance it, as I will come in contact with more women...more potential clients. Cheers David!!

Knight said...

That last comment gave me a great idea. You could expand the business by turning it into a drive thru sperm bank as well. Only for people braless in wet t-shirts of course.

Phfrankie Bondo said...

How did the stains get on the pennies?

Matt-Man said...

Knight: Mikey does have an attached building that is sitting idle. I shall pass this idea on to him and I'm sure he'll be UP for it. Cheers Knight!!

P-Man: I don't know, and...I don't want to know, but...I know they're there. Cheers P-Man!!

Joker_SATX said...

Well, Congrats are in order me-thinks! Gainfully employed again.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Congrats on getting back into the groove. I hate dealing the with the general public too. Why are they so dang stupid?

Jay said...

If I lived there I would pay people to drive through the beer mine and mess with ya. Just to entertain myself.

And that whole no debit/credit card thing is the reason why I would have to shop somewhere else. I never have cash.

Matt-Man said...

Joker: Indeed and thanks Joker. Cheers my good man!!

Evil: I like talking with the people who come through...for the most part. Only 10-15% of the people fall into the scenarios listed above. Cheers ETW!!

Matt-Man said...

Jay: I'm sure you would but you would have more fun sittin in the Mine watchin'. It's hilarious at times. And the credit/debit thing? The cost to us is bullshit and it slows things up. Cheers Funny Man!!

Desert Rat said...

Yay! If I was there, I would totally drive through and break ALL the rules just for fun! Hmmm... I'd have to borrow some kids,though.

Matt-Man said...

Rat: Certainly, if you came through, you's get to see the inside of the Beer Cooler. That is all. Cheers Rat!!

Mike said...

I hope this work shit doesn't cut into your online time.

MysteryChick said...

Congratulations on your gainful employment!

I find it odd about the cum-stained pennies though. I don't usually have sex with pennies in my bed, I try to sick with 100's! (as if!)

Matt-Man said...

Mike: Ha...I'll actually be on more, because I have some structure. My writing and what not suffer when I can sit here and just stare. Cheers Mike!!

Chick: Ha. IN all seriousness...In the winter we get a lot of pennies and change that have cough drop goo all over them. It's gross. Cheers Sexy !!

sybil law said...

Ha! one of my oldest and dearest friends owns a pony keg/ drive through, and I worked there years ago, so I know all these pains all too well!
I was allowed to tell people to go fuck themselves, though, so that was nice. (I only saved it for the true assfaces.)

Matt-Man said...

Sybil: Hee...The owner (Drive-By Mikey) of this place is the same way...We don't put up with any shit or grumpiness, and he knows that if we tell someone to fuck off and move along, that they deserved it. Cheers Hot Lips!!