It’s going to be a windy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has crappy weather on tap for us.
But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…
Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™
Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.
Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.
So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.
They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Manischewitz by the gallon.
After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.
In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.
Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.
After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…
“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”
Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.
Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.