Good Friday: Always Leave Em' Wanting More

It's Super Happy Hole-ly Week Happy Hour™...so drink up Bitches; the laughs and Bagwine are on me.

As I have pointed out many times, Jeebus is one funny Messianic Muthafuckah.

Facing certain death did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later, y'know. LOL…

And whatever shall I wear? I‘ve never been much of a cross dresser. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and he kept calling me Moses.

I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses. Yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Jewish man? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

And then he spoke to a reporter from the Jericho Times...

"Y'know how I walked on water? I strapped on a pair of water moccasins. LOL"

Once at Golgotha, and being readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing many of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

“Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddamn this is gonna hurt!! LOL.”

He brought the crowd down with that one and then Jeebus had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this centuries later Bagwine Classic:

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and murmured...

“Tetelestai, Bitches”.

And so it was.

And now folks, some I'm With Stupid information...

Noon EDT on Sabbatum Sanctum (That's this Holy Saturday, you Heathens!!), Jayman and I will be broadcasting our I'm With Stupid Easter Extravaganza on Blog Talk Radio.

We will be singing our praises to Jesus and all things resurrection related and we'd like you to join in with us.

You can listen, join the chat, and call-in and help us to celebrate the glory that is Easter.

We have a very special musical opening, Guy Ahnyurdyck will be reporting live from the resurrection, and Jayman has managed to nail Christ down on a very special announcement.

All this and more on I'm With Stupid Noon EDT this Saturday on Blog Talk Radio.

To access our show page and join in on the Easter fun, click HERE.

Have a wunnerful Easter weekend all and I hope to see you on the radio on Saturday.

Cheers!!

The Last Supper: Eat, Drink, and Make Mary!!

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse, so let's chow down...

J-Man and His Gang of Twelve all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who had a foot fetish, washed their feet.

Why the feets washing, you ask?

Allow me to 'splain...

J-Man was known among the group not as Lord. Not as Teacher. Not as Master...

Jeebus was referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess they were thinking that twelve apostles make a foot, and he was the leader, or something.

And as the Big Toe and a quasi-person who had a fear of toe jam, Jesus liked to scour the figurative feet of redemption.

Anyhoo..

They all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus was not weeping because he knew that he was going to die tomorrow; he was weeping because he knew that he had just received his last blow job.

As I explained yesterday, Judas had already identified to the Romans which guy was Christ by slipping him some tongue.

Jeebus stood in the garden, dried his tears, turned his frown upside down, looked at Judas, and said…

“Judas? It was you who kissed me, and here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry...as angry as angry could be, and, it was Matthew who cried out to God announcing the travesty that they were witnessing by screaming:

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of un-fucking-leavened bread? Somebody trumpet out for pizza, god dammit, I'm fucking starving!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied, puffing on a cigarette, and accepting the fact that she would be unfairly and untruthfully demonized for centuries.

And there you have it folks…

The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

And tomorrow...I shall accurately and truthfully describe his madcap march to the cross.

Until then, and as always...

Cheers!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week: Holy Tuesday...Those Virgins are HOT !!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.
It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles.

John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…

Jeebus got the festivities started by saying...

“Behold; we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.

Cheers!!

Lamb's Blood...It's Good for What Ails Ya!!

After dodging any major illness through the winter, I seemed to have picked up a stomach bug of some sort.

So for today, I shall simply post the I'm With Stupid sexism show from Saturday.

Jayman and I had a good time and we had a gaggle of wonderful callers chiming in and adding to the wackiness.

If you get the chance, listen to the show by utilizing the handy dandy BTR player.  You'll be glad you did:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Tuesday I shall pick back up on Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™.

As you can see, I am already awash in the Blood of the Lamb...

Til' Tuesday...

Cheers!!

Palm Sunday: Let' Get Jiggy Wif Jeebus !!

It’s going to be a windy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has crappy weather on tap for us.

But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.

Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.

So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.

They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Manischewitz by the gallon.

After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.

In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.

Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.

But…There’s more.

After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…

“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”

Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.

Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.

Is this true, you ask? Of course it is, because I believe it.

Amen and Amen.

I’m off to work all day at the beer mine and then meeting up with Ryno afterwards, so I bid you adieu.

Enjoy your Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

Jesus: He's Still Dead

ONE

MORE

DAY

Today, I am working 11 A.M. until 9 P.M...tomorrow? I am eating food that isn't good for me from 6 A.M until Midnight.

Cheers!!

Good Friday and Jesus: Dead Man Laughing

It's Super Happy Hole-ly Week Happy Hour™...so drink up Bitches; the laughs and Bagwine are on me.

As I have pointed out many times, Jeebus is one funny Messianic Muthafuckah.

Facing certain death did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL…and whatever shall I wear? I‘ve never been much of a cross dresser. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and he kept calling me Moses.

I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses. Yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Jew? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

And then he spoke...

"Y'know how I walked on water? I strapped on a pair of water moccasins. LOL"

Once at Golgotha, and being readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

“Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.”

He brought the crowd down with that one and then Jeebus had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, Bagwine Classic:

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said...

“Tetelestai, Bitches”.

And so it was…

Only two days until I can eat bread again…Praise Jeebus!!

Have a wonderful weekend and a Happy Easter all.

Cheers!!

P.S. Congrats to the University of Dayton Flyers who won the 2010 NIT Basketball Championship. They defeated the Tar Heels of North Carolina 79-68 Thursday night. Take that you ACC Bitches. Boo Yah!!

Holy Thursday: I Am The Light and The Toe

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse.

They all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who has a foot fetish, washed their feet. In fact…

J-Man’s nickname among the group was not Lord. It wasn’t Teacher. It wasn’t Master...

Jeebus preferred to be referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess he was thinking twelve apostles make a foot, and he was the leader.

Anyway, they all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus was weeping not because he knew that he was going to die tomorrow, but because he knew he had just received his last blow job.

Just then, Judas came out and kissed Jeebus in an act of betrayal, signaling him to be the Messiah to the Roman soldiers.

Jeebus dried his tears, looked at Judas and said…

“And here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry. As angry as angry could be. And, it was Matthew who cried out to God…

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of un-fucking-leavened bread? Someone trumpet out for pizza, god dammit!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied and puffing on a cigarette.

And there you have it folks…The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus. And tomorrow we shall watch his march to the cross.

But to improve the mood a bit...Here is me singing a Bagwine classic, Nazarean Dandy…

Cheers!!

Jesus Betrayed By a Kiss And Jews Are Running Amok

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tuesday marked the beginning of Passover. AND…

I only have four more days of this breadlessness bullshit.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt, Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch, and I can taste the pizza already. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.
Why did he do this? It has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP, better known as Angel Dust…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know the truth as to why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad, isn’t it?

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

Using the words of Pharaoh Yul ak-Brenner I, God plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four fucking hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coursing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower…instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek men and dudes from Kentucky are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

I hope have been able to shed some light on these most liturgical matters.

After two long ass days at work, I am off and will be spending my day drinking and watching TV as pedophilia victims attack Pope Benedict XVI.

I think ol’ Blitzkrieg Benny is going to soon find out how it feels to take it up the ass…and I dig it.

Cheers!!

Holy Tuesday Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

As postal employee Newman once uttered:

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

On Mondays and Tuesdays, I now work from 10 A.M. til' 9 P.M., so I have little time to surf around, so I shall catch up with ya all sometime Wednesday...Unless my computer pukes, the color is off and it's making a very odd noise.

Cheers!!

Easter Ham

I haven’t talked much about the upcoming Easter holiday this year, but never fear; this coming Monday marks the beginning of…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Now those of you who have been drinking the Bagwine for awhile know how reflective, informational, and down right exciting SHHJW is on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations.

I thought today, in order to get us all in the Easter mood, I would visit a question that many people have.

Why do so many Christians, specifically American Christians, eat ham at Easter? It’s as though the religious holiday and the porcine flesh are synonymous with one and other.

I have already heard advertisements for grocery stores exclaiming, “It’s not too early to order and/or pick up your Easter Ham."

Many cultural, societal, and religious historians will tell you that as Easter celebrations began to spring up in America, that pork was plentiful.

Hogs were butchered in the late fall and were smoked and cured for preservation. Thus come spring time when Easter arrived, ham was readily available, thus beginning the tradition.

Others insist that the eating of ham at Easter, was a clever marketing ploy by 19th Century pork producers who had a pig glut on their hand.

My imagination research does show that in 1818, a German immigrant named Richard Von Kopf, noted in his diary that there was an abnormally high rate of pig fucking going on due to the nation’s slop supply being accidentally tainted with peyote.

Von Kopf referred to this phenomenon in his writing as “Sows Gone Wild.” Interesting, however…

Many folks were eating ham at Easter prior to the Great Swine Sex Outbreak of 1818. So what gives? To answer that, one must go back to the day that Jeebus was resurrected.

Shortly after the tomb was discovered open and Jeebus nowhere to be found, Jeebus appeared to Mary Magdalene.

After exchanging pillow talk and Jeebus asking Magdalene if she would show him her tits before he roamed around for a few days and then ascended into heaven, Mary whipped em’ out and said…

“You are risen my Lord. This makes you new a new religion unto thou self. We shall worship and praise you for all eternity. You kicked those dirty Heebs right in the baby makers by rising up on this first Sabbath after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

We shall honor thou on this day every year until God’s Kingdom comes. We shall sing, pray, and above all, feast in your name.

In fact, in order to give those murdering Jew basatrds a big ol’ Fuck You, we shall gorge ourselves on the flesh of the pig.”

Jeebus nodded and laughed...He gave Mary a big wet kiss, licked each exposed breast, and began to his roamin'. But then, after a few steps, he turned around said unto her…

“Hey Mary, the ham does sounds great, but please, don’t put pineapple on it. That is so fucking gay.”

And that my friends is why we eat ham on Easter, and it also why that not only in my eyes, but in those of the Holy Baby Jeebus, putting pineapple on a perfectly cooked smoked ham is a Goddamn sin.

Cheers!!

Sabbatum Sanctum

It’s Holy Saturday.

The last day of Holy Week. The day before Jeebus rises up…and most importantly…

The last day of my Meatlessness for the Messiah and the end to my 72 hour fast!!

Damn straight. The last meat I ate was clear back on February 24th. It was two Burrito Supremes and three Taco Supremes.

Yo Quiero, Jeebus Christ!! And, bitches…

My last meal period, was Wednesday night as I finished up my Velveeta and Herb Stuffing concoction at 11:53 P.M. Boy Howdy!!

I did cheat a little bit Friday afternoon. I had the Number 9 for lunch. And let me tell ya…Schmoop never tasted so good.

Purrrrrrr.

It will be close come Easter morning, but I may just crack that 180 pound threshold.

As you can see from the picture, I had Schmoop’s brother shave my head like a shorn lamb of God to give me that couple ounces of leeway.

Anyhoo…Today, in between dreaming about getting teabagged by Tyra Banks religious meditations and listening to my stomach growl, I will be working from 11-4.

The ex is bringing Ryno by work briefly, because later today he will be headed to the Chicagoland area to spend Spring Break with his aunt, uncle, and two fave cousins.

I will see him off with a kiss, a hug, a twin pack of Grippo’s BBQ chips, and some spending cash. I hope the little shit appreciates it.

Kidding…I’m sure he will.

Of course, I am also sure that when he and his mom swing by, he’ll be gnawing on a huge, delicious hamburger saying, “Hey Dad…Look. This is soooooo goooood.”

So there you have it. The end and the Resurrection are in sight. Tomorrow, I will be shoveling White Castle cheeseburgers down my throat. Amen.

Have a great day, and a lovely Easter weekend. I leave you with an Inky and Lola Easter classic...

Cheers!!

Thank God It's Good Friday

It's Holy Week Happy Hour™ , so, drink up Bitches, the laughs and Bagwine are on me.

As I have pointed out this week, Hayzoos was one funny Messianic Mo-Foe.

Facing certain death, did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and kept calling me Moses.

I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses, yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Pharisee? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

And then he spoke...

"Y'know how I walked on water? I strapped on a pair of water moccasins. LOL"

Once at Golgotha, and getting readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.

He brought the crowd down with that one and then had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, Bagwine Classic:

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said...

“Tetelestai, Bitches”.

And so it was…

I hope you have enjoyed your Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week here at Bagwine Ruminations. Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your Easter Weekend.

Believe or not, Jeebus' words ring true, and if we all practiced them, it would make this world a better place.

Let's lose our apathy about being better people. I mean, just think if the above picture that funny man and thinker, Hammer sent me was true...This world would suck.

In the words of Christ and others who have followed his example, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Have a wunnerful Easter, all.

Tetelestai, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

I Am The Light and the Toe

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse.

They all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who has a foot fetish, washed their feet. In fact…

J-Man’s nickname among the group was not Lord. It wasn’t Teacher. It wasn’t Master...

Jeebus preferred to be referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess he was thinking twelve apostles make a foot and he was the leader.

Anyway, they all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus knew that he was going to die tomorrow, and that he had just received his last blow job.

Just then, Judas came out and kissed Jeebus in an act of betrayal, signaling him to be the Messiah to the Roman soldiers.

Jeebus dried his tears, looked at Judas and said…

“And here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry. As angry as angry as could be. And, it was Matthew who cried out to God…

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of frickin’ bread? Someone call out for pizza, dammit!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied and puffing on a cigarette.

And there you have it folks…The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Jeebus is being held by the authorities and I have begun my 72 hour fast. None of this can be good for anyone.

But to improve the mood a bit...Here is me singing Nazarean Dandy in an updated form. I hope you enjoy it.

Cheers!!

Foresaking, Pharaoh, and Fasting

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Passover. AND…This is the last day that I will be consuming any food whatsoever until Easter Morning.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt. I’m on the eve of a 72 hour fast, and Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.

Why did he do this? That has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad.

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

He plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four frickin’ hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coarsing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower, instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek dudes are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

Now lastly, on this most Holy Wednesday, a warning.

After today, I shall be fasting until Easter. I cannot be held responsible for what may appear on this blog during my, Caloric Purge for Christ.

If I begin to babble incoherently, do not call a doctor, a cleric, or especially a Greek dude. I’ll muddle through.

And with that, a picture of my Last Supper…

What is this meatless feast? Onion and Herb Stuffing baked with kidney beans, garlic, and Velveeta.

Oh yeah, Baby!! Is that Yum-Oh, or what?

More Hole-ly-ness to come tomorrow!!

Cheers!

Holy Tuesday, Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.

Cheers!!

Jesus Effing Christ!!

I like to use expletives frequently. I try to use them as a form of emphasis and/or just to be rude.

Well since this is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, I thought I should cut back or refrain altogether from cussing on here.

Especially avoiding the phrase where I say, Jesus Fucking Christ.

It wasn’t just my idea. Jeebus told me to try to clean my language up during His special week.

He said to me last night…

“Matt-Man, I love you, but please, try to stop using such colorful language. If I can do it; you can do it.”

Now for those of you not as intimate with The Lord as I, the “if I can…you can…” line may seem odd. Well, trust me it’s not.

Ol’ Jeebus may be the Son of God, but in addition to being that and a sarcastic practical joker, the boy used to cuss up a storm.

Damn straight, he did.

He used to call his apostle John a big girlie man and shout at him in Greek saying things like, “John ya big sissy, you are such a Kappa. Upsilon. Nu. Tau.”

He used to refer to Pontius Pilate as a, "mealy mouthed dago pussy." And referred to Romans in general as, "pasta eating pig fuckers."

I think Jeebus’ dad finally told him to cool it when he said to an adulteress woman…

“Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more, you dick twizzlin’ ho-bag.”

Jeebus now swears very rarely, however if I happen to mention Joyce Meyer to him he usually let’s out a…

“Screw that used up, lyin’ ass, douche bag.”

Ha. That one always cracks me up, because his face always shrivels up like a rotten bell pepper when he says it.

So anyway…Since it is Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week ™, and because Jeebus asked me to, I’ll try to control my bad language. Especially any phrase that uses his name and the F-Word.

However, if I see something funny that may contain some bad language such as that, I may falter and post it. But, I’ll try to be strong and refrain from doing so.

Do you think I’ll be strong enough?
.

.

.

.

Ha. I didn't think so either.

Have a wunnerful Monday.

Cheers

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Palm Sunday 2009

It’s going to be a warm yet stormy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has much colder, crappy weather on tap for us.

But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.

Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.

So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.

They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Mogen David wine by the gallon.

After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.

In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.

Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.

But…There’s more.

After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…

“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”

Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.

Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.

Is this true, you ask? Of course it is, because I believe it.

Amen and Amen.

I’m off to work all day at the beer mine and then meeting up with Ryno afterwards, so I bid you adieu.

Enjoy your Sunday, all.

Cheers!!