Palm Sunday: Let' Get Jiggy Wif Jeebus !!

It’s going to be a windy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has crappy weather on tap for us.

But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.

Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.

So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.

They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Manischewitz by the gallon.

After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.

In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.

Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.

But…There’s more.

After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…

“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”

Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.

Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.

Is this true, you ask? Of course it is, because I believe it.

Amen and Amen.

I’m off to work all day at the beer mine and then meeting up with Ryno afterwards, so I bid you adieu.

Enjoy your Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Palm Sunday 2009

It’s going to be a warm yet stormy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has much colder, crappy weather on tap for us.

But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.

Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.

So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.

They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Mogen David wine by the gallon.

After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.

In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.

Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.

But…There’s more.

After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…

“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”

Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.

Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.

Is this true, you ask? Of course it is, because I believe it.

Amen and Amen.

I’m off to work all day at the beer mine and then meeting up with Ryno afterwards, so I bid you adieu.

Enjoy your Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Palm Sunday...What Exactly Is It?

Raise your heads…Rejoice as One…Wave Your Palms…

Hayzoos is in the Bagwine Hizzy!!

It’s Palm Sunday...

A day to celebrate the triumphant entrance of Jebbus riding into Jerusalem on a Holy Ass.

Allow me to offer you a lesson in Judeo-Christian history.

Centuries ago, the denizens of J-Town waved and lay down palm frawns in honor of the Son of that Great Muckity Muck in the Sky.

This palm frenzy thing is much the same way that people in Palestine used to honor Dionysus eons before the arrival of Jeebus.

I have a soft spot in my heart for Dionysus as he is the god of wine. There are many similarities between The Big D and The Big J.

Ressurection, association with wine, eating the flesh and blood…

Of course, Dionysus, unlike Jeebus, was just a myth and in no way whatsoever, influenced the beliefs of the people of JC’s time. No, really.

As Jeebus sat on his ass through the palm strewn roads, the masses waved their palms in deference to his kingliness.

They also waved them because on this day, it was hotter and steamier than Marlon Brando’s ass crack.

And trust me, standing next to a sweaty Jew who has just eaten mutton and bitter herbs is no place to be.

Anyhoo, the Nazarean, waved to the crowds as he trotted through.

Shriners were zippin’ around on wee, tiny chariots pulled by rats.

Lepers, dressed as clowns, cavorted up and down lines of celebrants, tossing their skin and body parts to the kids.

The palm toting crowd smiled and clapped their hands in approval.

Music was provided by the 200 strong, Marching Pharisees Drum and Shofar Corps.

Directly behind them, was a horse drawn flat bed carrying a huge, colorful crucifix made out of papyrus mache’.

Pageantry and foreshadowing abound on the streets of Jerusalem that day.

After the parade, Jeebus, his 12 homies, and Mary Magdalene got together, planned the menu for the Last Supper, and filled out their March Madness™ brackets.

And that my friends, is what really happened on the first Palm Sunday. I hope this information was helpful as well as spiritual.

Amen, and Amen…

And now, our Sunday Serenade…In honor of the return of the Messiah to Jerusalem, I offer you a Bagwine classic.

Matt-Man sings, Nazarean Dandy©. Now, I am off to visit Ryno. Enjoy your Sunday.

Cheers!!



If you can, tune into Turnbaby's Blog Talk Radio Show tonight at 8 EDT. For details, or just to say Hi to TB, click HERE.

Note: Don't worry Vinny; You'll have it sometime today...

Inky and Lola Party and Matt-Man Gets Bitch Slapped

Happy Saturday to All.

Inky and Lola are already celebrating St. Patrick’s Day. There are many St. P Day bashes going on this weekend.

If you are attending one, have a heck of o’ time, and drive safely.

More on St. Patrick’s Day, Monday…

Big news kids…It’s official!! I am Dutch Bitch’s…um…well…Bitch!!

That’s right, the uber-hot, loud, proud, and sassy Queen Beatrix of the Blogosphere has pimped me out.

Today she has written and posted a most accurate review of my website because I begged her to she recognizes a quality blog when she sees one.

Please stop by her site today by clicking HERE, to read her review, and give her a big old Bagwine Hallo.

Cheers and Thanks, DB!!

I didn’t get all of my crap done yesterday that I needed to, (Don’t panic Vinny) so I’ll be working on that this morning.

It’s kinda nice, because Schmoop will be at her Mom’s, and I don’t go to see Ryno til’ tomorrow.

This way, I can work on the stuff that I need to and most importantly…

I can do it while masturbating to the sights and sounds of Paula Deen deep frying bacon wrapped mac ‘n’ cheese on the Food Network!!

Life is good.

And Now, Our Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week…



This week’s COW comes to us courtesy of deep thinker, and funny man VE, of VE’s Fantastical Nonsense.

He responded to my Monday post about my dream of eating a Korean guy named Ham, and wanting to eat a Communist Pig.

In true Orwellian fashion, VE pointed out why eating a Communist Pig may not be such a unique dining experience:

"That's the trouble with eating communist pigs...they all taste the same equally."

Brilliant!! Please stop by VE’s site by clicking HERE and shake his hand for ropin’ this week’s COW. Make sure you wear gloves.

Only eight days left of Matt-Man meatlessness. Thank God.

I hope to see you all back here tomorrow for our very solemn Palm Sunday Church Disservice.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiday so deepen my voice, dress me in a 70’s pantsuit, and call me Maude ‘cause I am in a relatively bad mood.

Much like Kramer from Seinfeld, I have an internal alarm clock beyond reproach, but this morning it didn’t go off.

Son of a Bitch…

There are few things in life that really tick me off, but waking up late is one of them. Man I gots lots o’ shit to do today.

I have to do some runnin’ around this morning.

I have to put together something for Vinny’s Site for Monday, and ruminate over the big happenings forthcoming next week.

Boy Howdy!! Next week is HUGE. Palm Sunday Church Disservice…St. Patty’s Day…Our favorite Messiah gets nailed to a Cross on Friday..and…

I’m forgetting something...um…oh yeah!!

Thursday, I will be putting something special into your Easter baskets during a very creepy special Half Nekkid Thursday, The Easter Edition.

Mmmmm the coffee is helping. Did you see the pics of the hooker that Eliot Spitzer spent thousands of dollars on to sleep with?

She’s pretty hot, but c’mon…Five Grand for some nookie?

All I have to do is keep the house clean, make Schmoop a fresh, hand-made cheeseburger, and she’ll have me screamin’ “Praise Jeebus” in no time.

Better still, I’ll be able to lick burger grease from her chin while bringin’ in my dogie. Ride Me Cowgirl!!

Okay, my bad mood is starting to subside a little, as is my use of foul language, dammit. Boo Yah!! Clicky Clack, Clicky Clack.

I’m having my personal stylist completely shave my head next Saturday…

On Easter Morning, I will wake up with a smooth head in honor of The Resurrection. I will then proceed to eat mucho meat-o.

If you leave me now…You take away the biggest part of me…Oooooo ooooo oooo baby please don’t go. I hate Chicago.

I guess I better get this party wound down, because I have to shave, read some bathroom material, and take a shower.

I am in such a hurry this morning, that I better fantasize about Jessica Alba, rather than Barbara Bush while washing my wanker.

No time to spare my friends…

If I don’t respond to your comments right away or get around to your blogs this morning, it just means that I am absent.

Absent in a physical sense, not my typical, absent in a moral and mental sense.

Enjoy your Friday folks, see ya ‘round later and over the weekend.

Cheers!!