What does Cinco de Mayo commemorate, you ask? Well, let me give you a history lesson and ‘splain it to you.
In 1862, Napoleon III, Emperor of France, sent troops to Mexico to install a puppet government. Or in the case of the French, a marionette government.
This army of well supplied French soldiers had planned on attacking Mexico City. It was not to be.
When word of this plan spread, a gang of 43 young Mexicans decided to take on the French army.
This gang had been formed after the evil Gadsden Purchase of 1853. These brave gang members were known as the, Fuck Franklin Piercers.
Packed like um...well, Mexicans, into their horse-drawn hoopty with tricked out wooden wheels...
The 43 brave FFP-ers headed to meet the French at the city of Puebla.
Armed only with unbridled courage, switchblades, and mariachi music, these 19th Century gang members defeated the
That's the way it was...May 5, 1862.
I am glad those guys thwarted the French, because had they not, things today would be much worse here in the States.
How, you ask?
All of the illegal aliens swimming across the Rio Grande to come here would be a bunch of flaming gay French!!
Can you imagine having your lawn and garden kept up by a half dozen gay French guys? Oh, dear God…
They would be complaining about the heat, the pay, and the crooked mow lines on the fescue. And God forbid if you offer them tap water to drink…
They would demand Perrier!! I mean, when they weren't hitting on your husband.
And just think…
The French illegals working here as hotel maids would have hairy armpits. Do you want your bed made up and towels changed by a butch French chick with hairy armpits..? I didn’t think so.
There would also be no Mexican fast food chains. Instead, Main Street U.S.A. would be littered with fast-food eateries called, Crepe-Eaux Belle.
Am I going to go to a place like that when I’m stinkin' drunk at 2 A.M., and order the Pollo Puff Pastry Supreme with currants and bleu cheese...?
Je ne le fuckin' pense pas!!
Just think…If one of these border crossing French aliens stopped me to ask for directions, my entire response would be different.
Instead of the fluid, lilting sounding reply, “No Habla Espanol.”
I would have to say... “I don’t speak Frog, you smelly, pretentious French bastard.”
And just think of the American mime industry...American mimes would be replaced in favor of cheap, illegal French mimes. They could never be deported because they would be unable to respond to the question:
"Are you here illegally, Henri?"
All of the cool, vibrant, cutting edge graffiti on abandoned buildings would be replaced with pasty pastel, limp-wristed brushstroke impressionist bullshit.
Hell, even history would be forever altered.
So on this Cinco de Mayo, take time out to hug a Mexican who is here illegally, and thank him or her for not being French, and for not being gay.
Just make sure to wear a pig flu mask and keep one hand on your wallet while doing so.