Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Cinco de Mayo: I'll Take Jose Over Monet Any Day

Tomorrow is a day of Mexican celebration, and one that all Americans should be thankful for as well. This particular Cinco de Mayo post is a Bagwine tradition and a great history lesson…

What does Cinco de Mayo commemorate, you ask? Well, let me give you a history lesson and ‘splain it to you.

In 1862, Napoleon III, Emperor of France, sent troops to Mexico to install a puppet government. Or in the case of the French, a marionette government.

This army of well supplied French soldiers had planned on attacking Mexico City. It was not to be.

When word of this plan spread, a gang of 43 young Mexicans decided to take on the French army.

This gang had been formed after the evil Gadsden Purchase of 1853. These brave gang members were known as the, Fuck Franklin Piercers.

Packed like um...well, Mexicans, into their horse-drawn hoopty with tricked out wooden wheels...

The 43 brave FFP-ers headed to meet the French at the city of Puebla.

Armed only with unbridled courage, switchblades, and mariachi music, these 19th Century gang members defeated the gay, mighty, heavily armed, meticulously uniformed European pussies French army, and celebrated by drinking tequila until they puked out refried beans and corn husks.

That's the way it was...May 5, 1862.

I am glad those guys thwarted the French, because had they not, things today would be much worse here in the States.

How, you ask?

All of the illegal aliens swimming across the Rio Grande to come here would be a bunch of flaming gay French!!

Can you imagine having your lawn and garden kept up by a half dozen gay French guys? Oh, dear God…

They would be complaining about the heat, the pay, and the crooked mow lines on the fescue. And God forbid if you offer them tap water to drink…

They would demand Perrier!! I mean, when they weren't hitting on your husband.

And just think…

The French illegals working here as hotel maids would have hairy armpits. Do you want your bed made up and towels changed by a butch French chick with hairy armpits..? I didn’t think so.

There would also be no Mexican fast food chains. Instead, Main Street U.S.A. would be littered with fast-food eateries called, Crepe-Eaux Belle.

Am I going to go to a place like that when I’m stinkin' drunk at 2 A.M., and order the Pollo Puff Pastry Supreme with currants and bleu cheese...?

Je ne le fuckin' pense pas!!

Just think…If one of these border crossing French aliens stopped me to ask for directions, my entire response would be different.

Instead of the fluid, lilting sounding reply, “No Habla Espanol.”

I would have to say... “I don’t speak Frog, you smelly, pretentious French bastard.”

And just think of the American mime industry...American mimes would be replaced in favor of cheap, illegal French mimes. They could never be deported because they would be unable to respond to the question:

"Are you here illegally, Henri?"

All of the cool, vibrant, cutting edge graffiti on abandoned buildings would be replaced with pasty pastel, limp-wristed brushstroke impressionist bullshit.

Hell, even history would be forever altered.

Instead of being known for his brazen, anti-hero exploits, Pancho Villa would be known for his over powering serve as he won the 1912 French Open on the clay courts of the Stade Roland Garros.

So Sad...

So on this Cinco de Mayo, take time out to hug a Mexican who is here illegally, and thank him or her for not being French, and for not being gay.

Just make sure to wear a pig flu mask and keep one hand on your wallet while doing so.

Cheers!!

11 comments:

David said...

I'm so relieved that you have put to rest that business of a ship filled with mayonnaise sinking....but just think of how FABULOUS your own personal extensive Bagwine formal gardens would be with a flaming gay French gardener. So elegante! So like Versailles - no, the one in France, not Kentucky. Just imagine the spring garden tours to raise funds for preservation of the historic antebellum mansions of Bagwine.

Mike said...

I checked 5 of May on wikipedia. It seems you have a fairly accurate account of what went on.

Matt-Man said...

David: I try to help out whenever possible and speaking of Versailles, there is one in Ohio about an hour away from me. Cheers David!!

Mike: Would you expect no less? It's as though you tend to think I make this stuff up. Cheers Mike!!

Joker_SATX said...

Excellent! I would love to hear what the national drink would be if the margarita would not have been the drink of choice....

Matt-Man said...

Joker: That's the only redeeming value. The national drink would be champagne. I looooove Champagne. Cheers Joker!!

Jay said...

Oh I know a few Mexicans I'd like to hug. But, there are laws against such activities in THIS country.

Matt-Man said...

Jay: More importantly there are social mores against such a thing. Cheers Jay!!

Michele said...

I like your version of Mexican historical events better than any I've ever heard, read or studied. I'm particularly happy that margaritas are the favored drink because when I drink champagne I tend to loss clothing pieces. French conspiracy? I think so.

Matt-Man said...

Michele: Champagne, Michele? Cheers!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

I hug anyone who is not French, but that is just me

Matt-Man said...

Vin: I appreciate that attitude. Cheers Vin!!