Thursday, July 14, 2011

My Vacation is the Shits

I really must return to work. I must, even if no one is there. I don’t care.

Ok, enough. I must tell you all what happened to me today. It was pure fuckery. Not dumbfuckery, just, um, plain fuckery. Yeah that’s it.

Oh, the day started out innocently enough. Matt-Man went to see his son. I saw him off with a cup of coffee and a kiss. I then went about my day.

Who the fuck am I kidding..?

I had no idea that the man left. I got up at 11:00, checked my blog, and opened a beer. This, my friends, is vacation.

I thought…

“You know Beth, you really need to do something today. Anything. Um…for real.”

For God’s sake, I haven’t worn makeup in three days, and my eyebrows have taken over my face. God, I’m pathetic.

So I took a shower, threw a ball hat on, and went to the bank. Where I waited, and waited.

Evidently, one teller had run out of money, so there was only one working. How in the Sam Hell do you run out of money in a bank? So, I wait.

Finally…I’m out of the bank, then I’m headed to mail my bills. That went off without a hitch. Of course it did. They’re bills.

I’m now on the way to the Beer Mine, because I need beer, smokes, and a lighter.

Someone, not naming names, couldn’t remember to get me a lighter. Oh, no. Just because he works there, and by the way sold six lighters yesterday alone…Assmunch.

I went thru…Drive By Mikey starts showing me his leg. Par for the course, when I’m alone. Even when I’m not. The man is shameless. Also adorable. Hi Mikey!

So I give him my order, ask Pizza Bill why he is there…duh working. My brain is seriously lacking in cells.

Well to make a long story longer, I asked for a lighter. A simple thing, just something to light my cancer sticks with.

I should have known when Mikey handed me my smokes with the lighter under them, that I would have a problem.

I didn’t say a word, but this lighter…is…diarrhea brown.

I guess this is the color they can’t get rid of. People reject this color. Me? I just figured it fit with the way my day was going.

Shit.

Zoooooves!!

14 comments:

Jay said...

Actually, that's the color of cancerous tumors.

Ohhhh that was a pretty uplifting comment! ;-)

Rich said...

I would definitely say it was an omen. I'd either stay in bed tomorrow, or go back to work. But that's just me. I'm used to the cesspool of life.

Rich said...

Well, you do have a way with words Jay. :-)

Beth said...

Jay: I will have you know, that cancerous tumors are black, not shit brown;) Mucho lovo!

Rich: I probably should just stay in bed, and don't get me wrong. I want to. Unfortunately, I have to spend the day with my brother. Yay! Oh Jay does have a way with words, but he loves me. I think.

Michele said...

I always have big plans for my vacation only to spend it laying around and painting. Its gotten so that I think that is what I'm supposed to do.

IWS Radio said...

Awwww Schmoop...You you look just as beautiful without make-up as you do with, of course this is coming from a guy who really likes cottage cheese and Cheetos on his baloney sandwiches. Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Beth said...

Michele: I know. I should just stop feeling guily about doing nothing.

Matt: Ha! Don't forget your "Cobb Salad" with bologna! At least I managed to tame my eyebrows;)

Knight said...

The hideous shit colored lighters are actually harder to come by and therefore more coveted. They even have facebook pages dedicated to them. They are made from the leftover dye from colors people don't expell from their anus.

Beth said...

Knight: OMFG! That is funny! Now it all makes sense!

Anonymous said...

Woah! My bought the SAME color lighter in Tunica weekend before last, like on PURPOSE! What the F, girl???
(Conspiracy theory...)

Ame in TN

Beth said...

Ame: No way! On purpose? That is fucked up;)

Mike said...

"...you really need to do something today.."

That's just not true!

Anonymous said...

The man is fucked up, Lady, but he makes me appear much more normals ;)
Ame in TN

Beth said...

Mike: Thank you. Now I don't have to feel guilty for not doing anything. Mike has deemed it so;)

Ame: Ha! It's the other way around here;)