The Truth About Christmas

Christmas is upon us, but…

How many of you are aware of the actual events took place lo, those many years ago?

As Vinny mentioned in a comment yesterday, I have been serving up religious history on occasion for roughly 2 ½ years.

Unlike the blather you here at church or read in textbooks, I give you the truth.

Jeebus was actually born on September 29, 5 B.C., not December 25, 0 A.D.

The fact that he popped out of Mary’s Holy Hoo-Ha nearly five years before he was due, makes him the most premature baby ever.

Was the Baby Jeebus born in a manger? Yes he was.

There actually was no room in the inn, but it wasn’t because Bethlehem was full of people participating in a census.

The real reason?

The First Annual Judea-Palooza Concert was going on. Bands from all across the Middle East and other Roman territories were there.

IX Inch Nails, Better Than the Book of Ezra, Genesis, The Ecclesiastics, and even that new Asian Sensation, Buddhist rock band, Nirvana was there.

It was emceed by a very young, and up and coming, Morey Amsterdam.

It was the first time in recorded history that Jewish entertainment promoters sold overpriced concert T-Shirts.

Conversely, it was the last time in recorded history that when people in that area of the world “rocked”, it didn’t mean throwing stones at each other.

So, Mary and Joseph were lying around in a stable with some smelly farm animals while PETA members (Philistines for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) were protesting outside.

Just then a star appeared over the stable…well, it was actually a pyrotechnic gone awry during an encore performance by the Greek band, Boyz II Men. Anyhoo…

Three Wise Men, named Re-Run, Raj, and Duane followed the light, Mary’s holy water broke, and out popped the Holy Baby Jeebus.

There was no Little Drummer Boy. There was no fanfare. There was no fruitcake.

However…

Two angels appeared over the scene…

They were winged twins sent by God to honor the birth of His son.

Their names were Micah bin-Harold and Malachi bin-Harold.

The twins broke out into angelic song.

And that is when the Wise Man, Duane uttered…

“Hey, Hey, Hey…Hark!! The Harold Angels Sing.”

And that my friends, is what truly went down during the first Christmas.

And it is the truth…because I believe it.

Cheers!!