Hurricane Season 2009: Have No Fear

Well folks, it’s that time of year…

The 2009 Atlantic Hurricane Season officially starts today. Aren’t you excited?

I know I am. I am a Hurricane FREAK!!

I have studied them my entire life. Well, since about the age of seven or so. I dreamed of becoming a meteorologist and working at the National Hurricane Center.

My dream of forecasting these magnificent storms was blown away like the roof of the Superdome when I encountered two things.

Math and Physics…Those two, fucking “blank look on my face eliciting” disciplines. Nonetheless…

I am quite the amateur meteorologist and know a helluva lot about hurricanes specifically. So, I get excited at this time of year…

Hurricanes are nature’s perfect steam engine. They’re dynamos of destruction, and at the same time when viewed by satellite, an incredibly beautiful picture of power and symmetry.

But there’s one thing about these storms that disturbs me…The fucking names that the WMO (World Meteorological Organization) picks out for them.

Look at this year’s selections…

Ana Bill
Claudette Danny
Erika Fred
Grace Henri
Ida Joaquin
Kate Larry
Mindy Nicholas
Odette Peter
Rose Sam
Teresa Victor
Wanda

It’s no wonder that so many people fail to heed the warnings when a hurricane is approaching. These names do not invoke fear.

I mean c’mon…Hurricane Bill? Oooooo, I am frightened, Bill might be coming this way. It’s sounds like the next door neighbor you talk over the fence with.

Hurricane Erika? What, is this some kind of sexy hurricane? A pole dancer spinning counterclockwise, perhaps? Hey Guys!! Let’s not evacuate, I want to see what Erika looks like!!

Fred!? Ha. Henri!? Isn’t that a French name?

You know damn well, that Hurricane Henri would be a big pussy storm and surrender to the shoreline. People wouldn’t even bother boarding their windows for Henri.

I laugh at Odette. Doesn’t that sound like some white haired octogenarian who has Alzheimer’s?

Ol’ Hurricane Odette would be meandering all over the Gulf with no direction. And then, one night she would secretly disappear altogether and no one would be able to find her.

Oy…C’mon WMO throw the fear of God into coastal dwellers. Let’s have Hurricane Vlad and Adolf. Hurricane Cheney.

Hurricane Medusa…and yes…Hurricane Carrot Top. I shudder just thinking about it.

Hurricanes are storms that need to be respected, shouldn’t the name mirror the respect that they deserve? Damn right, they should.

This year’s names once again fail on that front. Mindy? Nicholas? Talk about your Country Club Hurricanes.

Although, I hope we do have at least 16 named storms this season. ’Cause you know what that means…

It means that Hurricane PETER has just developed. Ha.

Take cover everyone…A Big Ol’ Peter is coming!! It’s going to be too hard to ride this Peter out!! Leave now folks, in case Peter comes prematurely.

The eye of Peter is tightening up!! The surge from Peter could drown everyone. Do what your mother would tell you to do, and Don’t Fuck With Peter!!

Now THAT, I could really dig.

Happy Hurricane Season 2009!!

Cheers!!