D-Day...Schmoop Storms The Britches At Nor-Matt-Dy!!

June 6, 2000 D-Day… 

MY D-Day!!

It was a hot, sweltering day. To add insult to injury, I was living on the west end of Bagwine. Oh, you’re not familiar with the west end of Bagwine you say? Trust me…

It’s a cesspool.

Anyhoo…

That particular day, my air conditioning was blowing cold, the beers were flowing (duh), and I, being the much younger, cuter, and more flexible version of my current self, had my intended target in my pubic crosshairs.

I put on my game face, and went for the kill.

What could I do, it was me against him? I had to arm myself.

So, I tossed out the deck full of drunk, sweaty people, and I went into the cool house with my intended victim.

As I left him on the couch, along with a menagerie of dogs and cats, I retired to my chambers, but only for a brief moment…

Then…the fight was on.

For the next six hours, the battle raged.

Then, just as the sun was coming up, and the morning beer coffee was consumed, I bid him, fair thee well.

Oh, he continued to contact me in his sick and twisted way, but I remained adamant about our parting.

I moved out of my kept house and three months later, he moved in with me into my newly, single girl apartment.

No more house, deck, or yard (thank God). To this day, this madman and I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, and I could not be happier.

Now, nearly eleven years later…the older, wiser (ha!), and not so flexible combatant that is me, has come full circle.

Kids, don’t try this at home. It was a risky maneuver; some may say foolish, but…I WON!!

Happy Anniversary of the D-Day that we met, honey…in the Biblical sense.

Happy Monday and don’t forget to listen to Jay and Matt-Man Monday morning at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio.

In addition to taking your calls at 661.244.9852 , they will be discussing Sarah “Paul Revere’s Ride” Palin, Mitt “Multiple Choice” Romney, and the TRUE facts about the invasion of France on D-Day 1944.

You can access their IWS Radio page HERE.

Also, if you get a chance…Make sure you listen to their Wedding Show that they did on Saturday. It was a fucking hoot!! You can listen to it right here:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

See ya all tomorrow, you pretty people, you.

Zooooooves!!

Values Voter Summit: Mike Huckabee Wins Straw Poll, and America Wins Back God

It’s going to be a dreary, rainy Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. However…

While I am working in the Beer Mine from 11-7 on this glum, gray day, there will still be a ray of sunshine shining in my heart.

As today is the day of our Lord, it only makes sense that I announce that yesterday, Mike Huckabee topped the straw poll conducted at the Values Voter Summit sponsored by the Family Research Council.

Two words in response to that result: Praise Jeebus!!

Roughly 600 Conservative attendees at the Values Voter Summit voted as to who they would like to see as President in 2012, and my favorite Man of God, Mike Huckabee far outpolled the others, with a total of 28%.

Who did the Huckster beat at this Right Wing Love-Fest put on by Tony “Psycho” Perkins of the Family Research Council?

Mitt Romney came in a distant second…not bad at this venue considering he’s a pantry stuffing Mormon.

Romney was followed by Gov. Tim “From the Land of 10,000,000 Mosquitoes” Pawlenty, Former Alaska Governor, Sarah “My Daughter is a Harlot” Palin, and Rep. Mike “He’s From Indiana for God’s Sake. Indiana!!” Pence.

Now my man Huckabee wasn’t up against a very impressive or Godly group, but the Light of the Lord shone in the final results.

I think these results confirm what former Florida Secretary of State and intellectual vixen Katherine Harris said lo those years ago: “God Chooses Our Leaders.”

Bless You, Katherine Harris…Bless You and Show Me Your Breastesses. Mmmmmmmm.

Anyhoo…On this glorious Sunday, I want to give glory to GAWD and to The Huckster. If Huckabee can build on this win and become our President in 2012, it will be as if Jesus Christ has returned to Earth.

And who doesn’t want Jeebus to return? I mean, other than Christ Killin’ Jews, Dirty Muslims, Atheists, and most folks who say that they are Christians. No one…that’s who.

One bit of advice Huck…If you want to once again be on the National stage and help to save our Godless nation, you might want to get back into shape.

You dropped a lot of weight before, but man judging by what I have seen of you on TV lately, you’ve been going back for second and third servings of Manna from Heaven, dude.

Doing God’s work, is hard work…I, in fact all of us seeking national redemption, need you to be in the best shape of your life for this run.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sabbath all. Mine will be filled with providing essential public services to beer drinkers, and then helping my son study for some tests.

I am so damn selfless…Just like Mike.

Cheers!!

Funeral for a Friend

Happy Friday, all…a short post for now.

I have to pick up Ryno today from school and work tonight.

So this morning, I need to pack my bag for the funeral road trip to Cleveland.

Three of us are leaving from the Bagwine digs at 6 A.M. tomorrow to attend the funeral of our buddy Mark.

(Sherri, if you read this let me know if you want to go along!!)

While going to a funeral, especially one held in the Cleveland area is never pleasant, there is an upside to this.

From what I gather, many a person from High School who knew Mark will be there. Many of us will be staying in the same hotel.

Ergo, perhaps we will be holding one helluva wake for our buddy Saturday night complete with drunkenness, and naked bodies.

I don’t think Mark would want us to send him off to the great beyond in any other fashion.

Also today, John McCain is celebrating his 188th birthday. He will be speaking at noon or so today a mere twenty minutes from the Bagwine abode.

Will he announce that his VP is Romney? Or Pawlenty? Or, will he, as I predicted last week, select Rob Portman?

We shall see, and I shall have some words about his pick no matter who is selected.

Well, my friends, I have to get Schmoop delivered to work, hit the dry cleaners, and then come back and fill my suitcase and my cooler.

Have a wonderful Labor Day Weekend, and celebrate it in a manner worthy of its meaning…

Have a drunken cookout, shake the hand of a union worker, and kiss a crippled kid.

I’ll talk to you all as soon as I can.

Cheers!!

Un-Conventional Wisdom

I am experiencing a load of creative difficulties with my newest Blog-Fo-Mercial© so it won’t be ready today.

I know; you’re crushed.

However, I am glad that things are kind of open today because I think that Barack Obama may announce his VP candidate today.

Will he? Will the choice be Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE)? I will be monitoring the situation all day while drinking Wild Irish Rose.

Should the selection be announced, I will immediately switch to Vodka and give you my full political insight on the pick.

More on the 2008 Presidential election in a second, but first, a reminder. Schmoop is off today, and I will be coloring her hair.

Later tonight, in a drunken stupor, I will be drafting my Fantasy Football team. It should result in some interesting selections.

Both events will be chronicled on Friday’s post. So, prepare to be riveted.

Now, back to the Presidential election.

In 2004, Sen. Zell “Non Compos Mentis” Miller (D-Mars) spoke at the Republican National Convention. Yes, Democrat Zell, spoke at that Convention, in order to appeal to voters with an IQ of 99 or less.

So you see, crossing party lines to speak at another party’s event is not unprecedented.

Why do I bring this up? Former Democrat and now Independent, Sen. Joe Lieberman (I-Jerusalem) will be speaking at the GOP Convention.

He will no doubt, share stories about his love for Sen. John McCain (R-Sunset Nursing Home).

Lieberman will wax on about McCain’s alleged maverick spirit, his readiness to serve, and most importantly McCain’s willingness to defend the “successful democracy” that is Israel, at all costs.

In exchange for helping McCain to secure votes from the Saturday Sabbath crowd with his speech, Lieberman has been assured a reward.

If Johnny Mac is elected, J-Leeb will be given the title of Lord and High Protector of Israel, and be granted the right to launch a nuclear missile at Iran.

Some have speculated that Lieberman’s scheduled speech means that perhaps Joe may be McCain’s pick as VP. It ain’t gonna happen folks.

Bagel Boy is too liberal on social issues, and even though he shares the love of the Holy Land with Evangelicals, those same Evangelicals would not want a Jew to show up at their Bible Study meetings or Sunday Pancake Breakfasts.

I am going to go out on a limb now as far as Johnny Mac's VP choice…

McCain will not pick Gov. Mitt “My Hair Doubles as a Bomb Shelter” Romney. He will not choose Gov. Tim “Who?” Pawlenty. McCain will pass on Tom “Yellow is the Color of my True Terrorist’s Threat” Ridge.

I am going against all of the political pundits as well as conventional wisdom, and saying here and now, that McCain will choose Rob Portman of Ohio.

Portman is a former four term Congressman from Ohio’s 2nd Congressional District. He has served as Dubya’s Director of Office of Management and Budget and United States Trade Representative.

He is devoutly pro-life, anti-civil rights, very Christian, has a pleasant looking nuclear family, and is only 52 years old.

On top of that, Portman is from the critical electoral state of Ohio.

McCain plans to announce his choice for VP on his 187th birthday, August 29th. On that day, McCain is scheduled to give a speech at the Nutter Center near Dayton, Ohio.

This arena is not too far from Portman’s former congressional district.

Youth, vast economic experience, and a religious Ken-Doll for the Christian Conservatives to admire. Portman offers all of these things. McCain will be speaking in Ohio that day. We shall see if I am right.

Cheers!!

Not Really a Stream of Consciousness, But Rather, A Sensory Respite

Wow…What a Super Happy Fun Week it has been. Man, I am burned out, and I still have a weekend of more exciting activities. I need a break!!

Because of that, my post today will be fairly short. Of course every time I say that, it still turns out to be kinda long.

Hell, I am already up to 59 words…And that’s before I typed in “59 words”.

Those words put me up to 68, and that’s before I typed in, “Those words put me up to 68.”

Aaaaaaaagh make the word count madness stop!! I may have discovered a new form of torture. Well, at least for dullards like myself.

Lessee…I am sure that if you follow politics, you have heard that Multi-Millionaire Mormon and Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has dropped out of the Republican primary.

Some Mormons were so upset with his decision that they turned violent. Shortly after Romney’s announcement, The Salt Lake City Police Department responded to 73 reports of Domestic Violence yesterday, and that was just in one household.

I want to thank all of you who stopped by yesterday to wish me a Happy Birthday. I appreciate that quite a bit.

I received a few Birthday phone calls from some of my brothers and sisters yesterday as well. That’s always nice.

I did however, receive one very disturbing message on my answering machine yesterday. It was the sexy voice of a woman repeating, “February 7, 1982...You stole my virginity; prepare to die.”

The vision in my head was out of the movie, “The Princess Bride” and a busty female version of Inigo Montoya chasing me, the six fingered Matt-Man, down with her sword…

The image was quite creepy but a little bit erotic too, so I jacked off while repeatedly playing the message.

What the hell, when life hands you lemons…make lemonade. Or in this case, spooge-ade. I am so damn resourceful.

Ahhhhh. It feels so nice to take it easy and clear my blogged up mind. I do however, have a couple of announcements to make.

Today marks the 39th Birthday of Bagwine friend, and saucy supplier of sardonic commentary, Starrlight.


If you get a chance, stop by her site and wish her a Happy Birthday.

She and her kidlet have been very under the weather of late, so maybe your Birthday wishes will brighten her special day.

You can visit Starrlight by clicking HERE.

Another longtime friend, Desert Songbird, is going to be in the hospital for a couple of days or so to deal with a problem. She has oddly enough, asked me to maintain and post on her site over the weekend.

I knew she wasn’t feeling great, but hell, I didn’t realize Songbird's health was affecting her judgment.

More details on that tomorrow…Hopefully tomorrow will also offer you another installment of America’s favorite stick figures, “Inky and Lola”.

We will of course also be awarding the Bagwine Comment of the Week.

So folks, enjoy your Friday, have a great weekend, and remember, a good ejaculation is never more than a message left by a psychopath away.

Cheers!!