Love Speaks Loudest When It Speaks Not

Some ten plus years ago, I, as fate would have it, met a woman with whom I still am close to today.

I had left my wife and was sitting in the kitchen of my sister’s house with her and a friend of hers, who had also recently left a 14 year relationship.

I was telling my sister that I needed a place to stay for awhile. I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, this friend of my sister told me that I could stay with her.

This was told to me by her after she said, “Your sister assures me that you are not a serial killer.” To which I said…

“More than likely.”

Anyhoo….I moved in with her, and…we seemed to get along rather well, and had more than a few things in common. However…

One Saturday night a couple of months after my arrival, we were sitting on the couch channel surfing when we came across an ancient episode of the Red Green Show on PBS.

We stopped the surfing right there and looked at each other and had our C.S. Lewis moment:

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”

And from that moment, things have never changed. She loves my quirks; I love her quirks, and we share many of the same quirks.

We like the same unhealthy food, the same beer, share a common sense of humor, and most importantly, we both think that I am the greatest person on Earth.

But seriously…

I was tweeting with my buddy Jayman Saturday night, and I joked that my post about my love for this woman would be my shortest post ever.

Jayman tweeted to me:

“The greater the love, the fewer words necessary to describe it.”

I agree with that, but his quote wasn’t quite all the way there in my description of the beauty of the relationship between this woman and me.

After ten plus years, my love for this woman has grown exponentially, but more importantly, the friendship between her and I is profound and undeniable.

The thing is…While I love her and she me; the anchor and keystone of our relationship is our friendship.

We have passion. We have a physical attraction. We share laughs, anger, and the ups and downs that all couples encounter, however…

Through the noise that those things can produce, the sweetest and most definitive aspect of our love and friendship has been and is summed up by, David Tyson Gentry:

“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.”

In spite of the passion, the sex, the laughter, and the tears…

The best moments are when we are sitting in silence on the couch, or driving in the car, or her sitting at the table as I pace through the apartment.

Oft times during these moments, no words are spoken, no gesture is given, we simply look at each other and smile.

I like that and I think she does too.

So here’s to Schmoop. It’s her 45th birthday. She still looks hot. She’s still is a wonderful person and most importantly…

She has been for ten years and always will be, my best friend.

Happy Birthday, Baby!!

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Old Friends...Getting Older

It is going to be a mostly cloudy but not so bad Sabbath and first day of Spring in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Schmoop and I are once again speaking but we have yet to have sex. In fact, I don’t think we ever will again…

At least with each other…

So on that note, I am announcing that Schmoop and I are taking applications for free wheelin’, no strings attached sex partners.. Direct your inquiries, along with your pictures to me at neshobadude@yahoo.com.

We actually did have a most wonderful time at a 50th birthday party for an old friend of mine yesterday.

Birthday Boy Ken and his lovely wife Nat were wonderful and Ken’s mom was a riot. She thoroughly enjoyed cracking wise at my expense. As I consider myself a walking, talking public service, I like that.

Many from the “old ’hood” were there, including a couple who are both in their nineties, and the Mrs. of the couple made me laugh.

When Ken’s mom asked Mrs. W if she remembered who I was, Mrs. W responded:

“I don’t which one he is, but I know he’s one of those Mahoney boys.”

The mixture of both amusement and disdain in her nearly century old voice when she uttered that, was priceless.

Anyhoo…It was nice to tip a few with old friends and cut up with some people I really didn’t know.

Nat and Ken’s mom, threw a very nice soiree, and I thank them for that.

In case you missed it and have nothing to do on this first day of Spring, give our latest installment of I’m With Stupid a listen by utilizing this handy dandy BTR machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Have a great Sunday…

I’m going to spend mine trying to find an attractive homeless woman who would be happy to have sex with me for a 40 of King Cobra and a half a pack of Marlboros.

Amen, and Amen...

Cheers!!

Moderately Happy National Average Day !!

Forty-three years ago today, an average child was born into an unassuming family after his mom went through an uneventful labor.

Upon his joyous yet unspectacular entry, his parents wanted him to go through life with some sense of humility and anonymity, so…

Noticing that this boy was born on 3/7 they added the numbers together, and named him after the tenth letter of the alphabet: “J”

Not Jayson…Not Jay…Simply…J.

When J was seven and in the 1st grade…

He suffered scorn and ridicule from his classmates, and yardstick beatings at the hands of his teacher Mrs. Langston for his less than monosyllabic name and only then did his parents change his name to Jayson, which was later colloquialized to simply, Jay.

But the die had been cast. Jay was destined to become, The Average Man.

Throughout his High School years, everyone got along with him, because well…no one really had an opinion about him, good or bad.

Academically, as typical for a guy of his averageness, he finished smack dab in the middle of his HS class upon graduation.

He repeated graduating in the middle of his class at the University of Arkansas, proving that the depth, breadth, and consistency of his averageness, was greater than that of Old Man River or Bert Convy.

After leaving college, his professional path has led him down and through an innocuous maze of not-so-demanding mid-level jobs and his vocational history mirrors that of his personal life.

A typical morning will begin with a breakfast of two eggs over medium, two strips of bacon that are not underdone nor overcooked, and a piece of toast with a modicum of butter.

Before he heads out to casually meet the day, Jay will rest a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew on the pilot light of his stove, so when he’s ready for dinner, it will be neither too hot, nor too cold…but just right.

He likes the company of women, but in a non-threatening way. Jay actually is kind of smitten with Asian women.

Not because they are exotic or anything, but because as we all know, all Asians look the same.

He specifically prefers Chinese and North Korean women because as Communists, they not only look the same…they act the same, and their respectful silence kinda turns him on. But not too much.

Now when Jay started blogging some years ago, he tried to deny his averageness by calling himself, the Cynical Bastard, however…

After five plus years of blogging, he like a leopard, could not change his spots, and re-monikered himself as who he truly is…Every Day Jay.

So, here’s to Jay.

When he dies years from now, I hope his memorial marker reads…

“Here lies Jay. He was all of a kind.”

Thanks for making me laugh, making me write better bits, and being my friend. Happy Birthday, buddy.

And to all of you on this day that Jay has inspired, I wish you a Happy, yet not overly happy, National Average Day.

Now go wish Jay a Happy Birthday by clicking HERE…just don’t be too ostentatious about it.

Cheers!!

I'm A Year Older Today, But Still Havin' Fun!!

Forty-six years ago on February 7, 1965 I was delivered from my mom's womb.

Actually, as the last of nine kids, I more or less just fell out. But nonetheless, I came into this world, and here I am still...somehow.

Anyhoo...

Sunday evening was a good time. I went over to Ryno's to have a Super Bowl/Birthday Eve party...Just Ryno, his mom, and myself. It was nice.

The food was excellent. We had a myriad of different chips with corn salsa and the ex made some fantastic homemade sliders...

The best thing? His mom sent me home with all four that were leftover. She wanted to get a birthday cake, but Ryno reminded her that I am not a big cake fan so, she picked these up...


Cute, and delicious. After the obligatory singing of Happy Birthday, I opened the most touching B-Day card I have ever received, and hand picked by Ryno...


The message inside was even more touching...


Inside the card was a cartoon that Ryno drew prior to my arrival just for his dear, OLD dad...


And then came a couple of presents...Father's Day, Christmas, or my birthday, Ryno insists on having his mom get me T-Shirts that he thinks I will find funny. First up, this one...


And this was one was found incredibly amusing by his mom...


I dig 'em both. Of course, his mom had to take a picture of me and our little man prior to my departure...


It was fun and I thank them both. And now today, since it's officially my birthday, I shall party all day today and once Schmoop gets home from work we will tip a few, cut up, make fun of others and each other, and then...have hot, sweaty Birthday sex.

Damn...I'm a lucky guy, indeed.

Enjoy your Monday, and as always...

Cheers!!

Birthdays and Gregorian Bullshit

Ahhhhh I like Tuesdays. You know why?

Tuesdays are my Friday. This Tuesday is especially um, special, because...

Today marks the birthday of Bagwine Ruminations' and I’m With Stupid’s fave, over-the top, madcap, human ball of excitement, Mike.

That’s right. Dour Mike will be celebrating a birthday today, and I would be remiss if I didn’t mention it.

If you’d like to wish the old boy a special day, please pop on over to his site by clicking HERE.

Please be advised to do it early in the day because…

I bet Madman Mike and his hilarious wife will be gettin’ jiggy with it later today.

I’m sure the Dynamic Duo will be hitting the Early Bird Special for the minute steak, crisp salad, and Jell-O combo, and then head to who knows where for a rousing game of bingo or trivia!!

Anyhoo…Happy Birthday Mike. I hope your heart can stand the excitement of it all!!

I really don’t have anything other than that for today, after all...

Today is November 30th. WTF is that? I mean other than Mike’s B-Day, it’s like one of the most irrelevant dates of the year. Any given year.

I think that after Thanksgiving, the calendar should jump directly to December 1st so we can get into the spirit of the upcoming holidays.

Why should we have to experience that week long or so lull in the action that takes place between Thanksgiving and the merry month of December every year?

We shouldn’t have to. It’s not right…I demand changes. And…

That’s all I gots to say about that. But...There is a new I'm with Stupid promo for your enjoyment:



(click where it says, twaud.io)

Enjoy your Tuesday as I enjoy my Friday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Happy 18th Birthday Miley Cyrus!!

People across America are asscited because later this week, many across this fine nation, will delight in a four day weekend beginning with Thanksgiving on Thursday.

Thursday for many, will be a day off full of food, drink, football and, fun, yet violent domestic violence calls.

On Friday, also known as Black Friday…

Millions of Baby Jeebus lovin’ Americans sporting NASCAR ball caps, I Heart Sarah Palin T-Shirts, and pajama bottoms will storm the doors of Wal*Mart at 0500 and lay down cash for a well priced Wii while using their welfare debit card to pay for a three month supply of frozen pizzas and Little Debbie snack cakes.

After all, what’s a good game on the Wii or Xbox without something to nosh on!? Well, one must have a drink as well, so add a case of Mello Yello and Tahitian Treat to the public bill of fare as well.

Anyhoo…

It’s the official kick-off to the Christmas Season, but as for me?

My Thanksgiving feast and kick-off to the 2010 Christmas Season begin today, November 23rd. For on this day, Miley Cyrus turns 18 and becomes legal and oh so tender.

That’s right my friends…

Eighteen years ago, Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish Ray Cyrus watched excitedly as the lovely Miley popped out from Mrs. Ray Cyrus’ vagina.

After the medical team employed Billy Ray’s mullet to wipe the placenta residue from Miley’s face, it was apparent to all, that this child was on her Hollywood Walk of Fame path to stardom.

Ever since I came across pictures of Miley Cyrus during a late night Google Image search that accidentally contained the words, “Hot 12 Year Old Babes”, I have been enthralled by Miley’s beauty.

And now, six years later…I no longer have to fear Chris Hansen and public scorn hide my very adult feelings for Miley.

Today I can openly and gleefully say…

I long for Miley’s misshapen cheeks, her crooked front tooth, her small yet oh so nubile breastesses, as well the adipose tissue that lies sensually above her pubic bone.

Indeed my friends, indeed. For me, Christmas has already come…several times over.

I have even written a Christmas song for Miley, and I hope that perhaps she, in all of her new found adulthood, will come to Bagwine and record it with me.

It’s called, “I Came Upon You at Midnight Dear.”

That would make for the bestest Christmas ever. So Miley Cyrus, my dear…

When you blow out the candles on your cake today, think of it as your Emancipation Proclamation from sexual bondage.

And think of me as your Great Emancipator. In fact…

You and I can get naked tonight and play a sweaty game of, Newly Freed Slave Girl and The Horny Abolitionist!!

While you are on top of me riding my rock hard 13th Amend-meat to the land of milk, honey, and womanhood, I want to hear you scream to the world…

“Free Me, Abra-Matt Lincoln, Free Me!!”

So I shall, Miley, So I shall.

Happy 18th Birthday to Miley Cyrus.

Working a long one at the Beer Mine today, so I shall see you all later tonight or early Wednesday.

Cheers!!

Birthdays and Blog Talk Radio

It’s Friiiiiday so you know what that means, kids. That’s Rig-h--…

Er…Nope. No Matt-Man’s Private Conversations™ this week. Today?

We’re going to have a show promo for the I’m with Stupid Blog Talk Radio show that Jay and I do on Sunday’s at 11 AM EDT and I have some birthday wishes as well.


Let’s start with the birthday shout-outs, shall we? Great!!

First up, my niece Anna.

Anna turns 16 on Saturday and in those 16 years she has managed to overcome her shallow gene pool and become a bright, young lady. Here's wishing a Sweet Sixteen to Anna. Happy Birthday!!

Secondly. Anna’s uncle and one of my brothers celebrates his birthday on Saturday as well. That’s right.

My brother Denny, also known as Big D, Den-Den, and Queer Bastard turns 59.

Ol’ Den spent most of his adult life in the newspaper business as a journalist and editor for a variety of papers. He never won a Pulitzer but he does have a significant claim to fame.

Throughout his career he gave new meaning to the phrase, “yellow journalism”. You see...

Whether out covering a breaking story or sitting behind his editor’s desk, he had a frequent and uncontrollable habit of urinating all over himself.

Denny is a funny SOB as well. When I saw him last weekend, he said to me, “Hey Matt…I really like the new look of your website.”

I thanked him and he replied, “The content still sucks, but I do like the look.” Ha. Bastard.

Anyhoo…Happy Birthday to Brother Denny!!

Lastly, this Sunday, Anna’s cousin, Denny’s nephew, and my son, Ryan, celebrates his 16th birthday.


I was thinking. Ryno was but a mere 11 years old when I started Bagwine Ruminations, and now he is a 16 year old High School sophomore. Holy Cow!!

More on Ryno later in this post and on his actual birthday this Sunday. And now….it’s time to get stupid.

This Sunday at 11 AM EDT on I’m With Stupid, Jay and I will be having a Tea Party of our own as we discuss all things political.

We will be discussing the various races, the various stupidity surrounding this election season, and which politicos we think are hot. And…

As it is a Tea Party of sorts we will decry government run amok and see if we can’t get the Federal Interstate Highway System dismantled.

So if you live near I-75, I-5, or I-whatever, you may want to find an alternate route pretty quickly. ‘Cause “The Man” and his fancy roads are goin’ down.

We will also have an exclusive IWS interview with GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell, our NFL picks of the week, perhaps a call from Dour Mike to update us on his wacky, madcap lifestyle, and get this…

We may have an uber-special guest calling in. The Birthday Boy hizzelf, my son, Ryno. Dig It!! So folks…

Help us berate and mock the American political system along with celebrating Ryno’s birthday by listening and calling in to I’m With Stupid Sunday at 11 AM EDT on Blog Talk Radio.

You can find our show’s BTR page by clicking HERE.

Have a wonderful weekend, and as always…

Cheers!!

Happy Birthday!!

Today? August 19th?

Holy Cow, Bitches, this is the one day a year I take off and honor others rather than praise Sarah Palin…

So here we go…

Here’s to Bill Clinton who turns 64 today. My fave Prez of my lifetime. Bill RAWKED, and that’s all I have to say about that.

I wrote about this chick the other day, who out of the blue, contacted me. I was her friend, but she was personally “contracted” with another guy.

I never cared about that, I thought we were still friends after 30 years. Yeah, well, I guess we weren’t friends while she was attached which is sad, but...c'mon how's about some illict sex for godssakes!!

Nonetheless, I still dig her and wish her all the best. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, Sherri…

Sherri and I have had sex in so many public places it’s incredible. Keep in mind, that was 25-30 years ago, so don’t think we’re still like that. But hell, bathrooms, tick infested beaches, sidewalks...we did it all.

Hell, anymore I never see her or hear from her unless she needs advice…Anyway, Happy Birthday Sherri!!

I still dig her…somewhat.

And now…the last Birthday.

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Or more commonly known as, David, Schmoop’s brother.

David is a nut…No, literally…He’s fucking bat-shit crazy.

In fact, he’s like a woman.

His mood can change by the minute, but he has helped me and Schmoop out for years and still does, so how can I hate him?

I can’t.

In fact, I love the guy.

Anyway…Here’s to Bill Clinton and Sherri, but most of all, here’s to David.

In fact, I may hose Schmoop tonight and call her Sherri just to celebrate. On the other hand…

Schmoop may don a strap on, fuck me, and call me David. I know, that's icky, but.…

While they may be brother and sister, Schmoop and David are very close.

Very Close.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Spring Has Sprung

It’s going to be a decent day weather wise in Bagwine, Ohio today.

My 11-7 shift on this Sabbath at the Beer Mine shouldn’t be too bad at all.

As you know, Saturday was the first day of spring according to the calendar, however…

In addition to the calendar, there is another way to know when spring has sprung in Bagwine. It’s when folks around our part of the country see the following…



Damn right Bitches, Matt-Man’s pasty white chicken legs made their 2010 debut Saturday and let all who drove by and through the Beer Mine know that spring is officially here.

Damn I’m sexy…even if it does look as though I’m sporting some serious camel toe oddly enough.

There was one setback to the day yesterday. Just a little ways down the road there was a car accident.

I hope it was not the result of one of the drivers involved being temporarily blinded by the alabaster pixie stix that are my legs.

Today is also a big day in a Beer Mine related way.

Our fearless leader, Drive-By Mikey is celebrating his Birthday. Yes indeed, drive-thru entrepreneur, singer of songs about his prostate, and legendary pig inseminator turns 44 today.

He is an impressive guy in many ways but what I truly find impressive is just how deep and reflective he is…

And of course, how can you not like a guy who can somehow manage to have sex with a case of bottled water?

Here’s to you Mikey, may your birthday be a good one.

Amen, and Amen.

Have a wonderful Sunday all and to St. Mary’s College which defeated Villanova (the school which I picked to win the NCAA tournament) on Saturday, I just want to say…

You goddamn Catholics fucked me again didn’t ya? Happy, now?

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Party Time!!

It’s going to be a decent Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio for most of the day. Our temp may even hit 50 degrees. Praise Jeebus!!

That will make my 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine today most pleasurable, provided I don’t encounter any retards.

Anyhooo…

I was kinda tired when I got home Saturday night, so guess what? I didn’t really strain my brain to write anything.

I thought for today I’d just wish Jay a Happy Birthday again, since today is the actual day of his birth that took place lo those 42 long years ago.

I thought perhaps Jay and I could celebrate by tipping some Wild Irish Rose…


And then I could have my personal archivist, Shannon, stop by in her Birthday suit and bring a cake along.

As you can see…Shannon is cute but none too bright. She got the age on Jay’s cake fucking backwards. Oh well, personal archivists are so damn hard to find. I’ll let it slide.

Lastly, because its Jay’s birthday, my BFF/OSP Schmoop, said that the Jay-Man is allowed to blow out her candle…

Lucky Bastard…Happy Birthday to Jay.

Amen, and Amen.

If any of you need beer and smokes today, come by and see me at the Beer Mine.

Cheers!!

Happy Birthday You Cynical Bastard, You

It’s a special day here on Bagwine Ruminations.

We don’t celebrate Birthdays often, but our favorite Cynical Bastard, Jay-Man is turning several years old Sunday.

I just could not let this go by without saying how much I love this guy.

I mean, he was knocked over by former University of Arkansas basketball bad ass and five time NBA all-star Sidney Moncrief for God Sakes.

He’s kinda like my brother Marty.

My brother once took a piss in a NYC theater bathroom next to the late John Ritter. While they didn’t shake hands afterwards, they did say hi.

Oh…but wait…this was about Jay, wasn’t it? Yes. I like him. And…

I always tell Schmoop that Jay is a fucking mess.

Now, before you guys go off on me…Anyone who truly knows me, knows that when I say someone is a mess, it’s not a bad thing.

When I say it, it means that I think the “mess” in question is funny, is smart, and is one helluva individual.

And the aforementioned Birthday Boy of whom I speak is all of that.

Jay is a class act…He’s smart. He’s funnier than shit. And, he is one of the nicest people I have ever quasi-met.

In fact, he’s just like me…only he has the nice thing going on.

So here’s to ya buddy…I hope you have a wonderful Birthday. And in your honor I wrote a little song…

It was inspired by you Jay, but I based it on the Divinyls song, I Touch Myself. I hope you like it.

Happy Birthday to Jay, and to you all…

Cheers!!

Teeth Marks and Laughter

I want to thank all of you for all of the lovely birthday comments yesterday, I appreciate it. And of course…

Thanks one helluva lot for the pizza, Pizza Bill. It was fucking incredible as always.

I can’t believe you and your wife are so nice to me when I berate you so…Of course, since I screwed up Sunday, I have to cease that for awhile, dammit.

I’m sure Drive-By Mikey will have fun with this one after he’s finished giving me wrath of shit. Oy Vay!!

Anyhoo…Thanks Bill and thanks all y’all.

My brother Marty once again showered me with brotherly affection. He gave me a gift certificate to a local fave pizza place and a beautimous bottle of wine…

Damn right, Bitches…Gnarly Head Wine. Thank ya Marty-Boy!!

My son and his mom stopped by briefly on their way home from Cleveland where they watched Lebron James score 47 points as the Cavs defeated the Knicks Saturday night.

They gave me a new beard trimmer, because mine recently bit the dust. I dig it so, but…there was more. Ryno made a birthday card while they had lunch at Chipotle’s…

(click to enlarge)

Yeah, he drew my birthday card on a Chipotle napkin, and presented it to me at work. What a guy.

In addition to all of that, they brought me a big coffee and two double cheeseburgers from Micky D’s. Oddly, one of the double cheeseburgers looked like this when I opened the bag...

Yeah, Ryno left me some teeth marks and slobber on one of the burgers. What more could a dad ask for from their son?

Even though I wasn’t there when he did it, I can hear him laughing as he did.

And that, is the best present that I could ever hope for.

Happy Monday all, and here’s to the New Orleans Saints. There’s nothing like a good underdog story where the underdog pulls it out.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Drink Up Bitches, It's a Celebration

It's gonna be a partly cloudy Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

Today is not only Super Bowl Sunday, it's my birthday...and Chris Rock's as well. I dig Chris Rock. Anyhoo...

Since it is my birthday, I want to have sex. Yeah, I'm up front like that. Alas, my BFF/OSP is ragging. Oh shuddup...She is. Her basement is flooding. Nothing we can do about that, except show her picture again...

Mmmmmmmm. Schmoop. If only you weren't setting forth in motion the things that Eve did. Oy.

Anyway..since Schmoop is in "the way", I thought I'd post pictures of some Bagwine readers that I'd like to hose...Keep in mind, because I'm a good egg, I hid their identities...

This ghostly chick makes my skin crawl, and not in a bad way. I dig chicks with glasses.


This woman? Shuddup. What's not to like? I mean other than she has kids.


I dig this woman alot...even if she is retarded...

I like boobs...but it has nothing to do with this photo. I like this woman for her choice in apparel. No, really.

What the hell is this shit, Matt-Man, you ask? I'll tell you what. A fricking nice ass, that's what. Pass me the Creamy Cucumber, I'm tossin' salad.

Lastly, we have this sweet thing. I couldn't hide the identity of this piece of meat. I love him too much to guise my feelings.

I love you Mick...be my Birthday Boy...please?

Have a wunnerful Super Bowl Sunday All...I have to work, but will be off by 7, so I will catch most of the game.

I know...you were concerned about that.

Cheers!!

P.S. Pizza Bill is making a pizza for me for my birthday. As much as I make fun of him, it's all in jest. Bill is a-okay...when he's not stealing from the drawer. Thanks Bill, alot...and I mean that.

Hospital Humor and a Happy Birthday

Even though I worked Friday night, I still have quite a bit of wind left in me and feel pretty good.

Thusly, a brief post…mainly because it is a very easy one to write.

First up, I offer you a few things that were said while I was in the hospital.

ER Nurse: We are waiting on your room to be readied.

Me: I’m staying?

ER Nurse: Oh yeah…You are very, very sick boy, Matt.

Me: Hey look…The colors on my gown match the colors on my tennis shoes.

ER Nurse: See? Very, very sick.




Ultra Sound Tech: Wow…You have really nice legs Mr. Mahoney.

Me: Why thanks…most people say the look like Pixie Sticks.

UST: I meant that your veins and arteries show up really well on the ultra sound and they look fantastic.

Me: Awww man, don’t destroy my fantasy, ma’am.

UST: Hee. Hee. You can tell people that I said that you have nice legs.




Lung Doctor: (entering my room and looking quite puzzled) Mr. Mahoney?

Me: Hi Doctor.

Lung Doctor: I’ve been reading your chart, and you look MUCH better in person than you do on paper. I expected to see a man curled up in a fetal position.

Me: I was like that until I figured out how to work the TV remote.

Few Days Later…

Doctor Who Oversees Discharges: So Matt, what did Dr. B (Lung Doctor) say to you?

Me: He said that he would try to expedite my discharge.

DWOD: (Chuckle) Well, I’d keep you another night, but Dr. B said that you can go home tonight. So, I’ll get your paperwork ready.

Me: Fantastic!!

DWOD: (Chuckle) One of the reasons he is sending you home tonight is because he likes you because you are funny.

Sometimes…Being funny pays off.

And Now…A Happy Birthday Wish to One of my Brothers.

My brother Marty turns 48 today. I am the ninth of nine and Marty is number eight so he and I have always been pretty close.

Marty is a good guy…a generous guy… and like most of the Mahoney boys, one incredibly funny fucker.

Example…

His backyard abuts the green to Hole #6 of the somewhat swanky Bagwine Country Club golf course.

Outside of the windows to his master bedroom of his house is a very wide, flat roof. Marty likes to at times, climb out the window and sit in a lawn chair on that roof.

Now Marty doesn’t just sit idly by while watching golfers attempt to drain their putts. Marty likes to be a part of the action, and that is why he takes an air horn out with him.

As golfers begin their putt, good ol’ Marty enjoys pressing down on said horn allowing it to exert its loud, obnoxious bellow.

Ha. That my friends, is an act of brilliance.

Happy Birthday Marty and here’s to many more for you, you magnificent bastard.

And to all of you…

Cheers!!

In My Case, Happiness Is Attached To Size 14 Feet

"Your son at five is your master, at ten your slave, at fifteen your double, and after that, your friend or your foe, depending on his upbringing." ~Author Unknown

Fifteen years ago, October 24, 1994, my life was eternally and profoundly altered.

My wife, who was in incredible pain, was rushed to the Hospital by her mom and dad at approximately 6:45 P.M., and at 7:21 P.M., a 21 inch, 6.5 pound pinkish-purplish growth popped from out her hoo-ha.

Uh-Huh…On this date, fifteen years ago, the apple of my eye, my greatest source of both joy and anxiety, my 5’11” mini-me who stands upon size 14 feet, Ryno was born.

Other than spending the night in a hospital room with a thermostat set on Hell, it was the best night of my life.

As his mom slept, I sat in a rocker much of the night and held him, sang to him, and sweated with him. It…was…the best.

Ryno and I, except for a two or three year period after I left, have always been close as close can be…much of that is completely genetic.

We think alike, have the same sense of humor, and find many of the same things cool, odd, stupid, and in the case of the female persuasion…HOT!!

As the quote at the beginning stated, for the most part, Ryno at 15, is my double. And, I dig it.

A good example…

Whenever Ryno and I are together, I correct every grammar mistake he makes when speaking. I do that with him, as I do with many people, because I find it annoyingly funny helpful, especially to a 15 year old who thinks he knows it all.

What does Ryno glean from my spontaneous English lessons? Major irritation coupled with a response that is generally, “Whatever Dad.”

Of course, I often here from his mom’s mom:

“Matt, whenever Ryan eats with us he is always correcting what I say, and then he gets the same smirk that you always got. Sometimes, it’s like you’ve never left.”

Hee Hee…Revenge is best served in the form of a genetic spawn. I’m kidding…Grandma pretty much digs me…now. Anyhoo…

As the quote at the top continues…Whether Ryno and I are friend and foe from this point on, depends on his upbringing.

I have no doubt that he and I will butt heads, piss each other off, and leave each other perplexed from time to time, however…

There is also absolutely no doubt that we adore each other, and will continue to do so whether we agree or disagree on something. And that is how it should be.

Even though you will not read this buddy, I love you, and wish you a very Happy Birthday and a happy life.

And since you won’t read it here, I will make sure to tell you the same thing when we go out to breakfast this morning and make fun of the other customers.

Have a great Saturday all.

Cheers!!

Faithful Friends and Happy Birthdays

Another day of rehab for the Matt-Man, thus another post that is easy to write.

During the last few days I have enjoyed reading all of the comments and e-mails from you fine folks.

Today, during my family and friends series, I want to give a shout out to a couple of people.

First up…

That Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay. Jay not only put up a get-well message for me on his blog this week, he sent me, shall we say, some motivational artwork through e-mail. Jay knows what motivates me quite well. Thanks Jay!!

And then there’s my longtime pal of pals, Lu.

Lu followed my agony for three straight days on her site. She called out for all to lay hands upon the Matt-Man, and heal him. She suffered criticism, chiding, and public scorn. From one particular man from Tennessee, she heard, “Oh Dear God…Enough Already!!”

Ha. I dig that. Thanks Lu, you’re the best.

And now…a couple of Birthday notices.

My niece, Anna, celebrates her 15th Birthday today. Anna is quite a smart young lady, and I wish her the best today.

Today also marks the 58th anniversary of my brother Denny’s time here on this big blue marble of ours.

Den-Den is a great dad to his kids, a well rounded journalism professional and veteran of the newspaper industry, and most importantly…

An amusingly rude mo-foe. The funniest thing that I have heard in my life (and will not repeat here) was uttered by brother Denny some years back.

It consisted of only three words, but to this day, I laugh my ass off when I think of it.

So Brother Denny…Happy Birthday My Brother. May your celebration be a damn sight better than the weather we are both experiencing in Ohio today.

Lastly…Today is the day that Denny’s daughter-in-law Jamie appears on Jeopardy. If you folks get the chance to tune in, send her good mind power vibes through your television set.

And that’s it for today my friends. I get to spend the evening working the Beer Mine in a monsoonal rain storm.

But, that’s okay…I am looking forward to a special day that takes place tomorrow, so that will help me to muddle-puddle through.

Cheers!!

Plugging Along With Pain

If you read yesterday's Bagwine post by the lovable Schmoop, you know that I am dealing with some type of right lung thing that is incredibly painful.

It really hurts when I bend, breathe deeply, and when I sit. That is why it is very hard to do anything at the computer. I can only sit a few minutes at a time.

Because of that, a writing deadline that comes Wednesday, and work, I will be around only sparsely until my day off on Thursday.

Until then, I will do some re-runs...Today's involves my longtime buddy, Joe. Or as some of you ancient Bagwine readers may know him as, Joe Hair Care.

As today is Joe's 45th birthday, I thought I would repost the following story about a couple of the fun times Joe and I shared at Bowling Green State University. Enjoy...

Hair Care Joe and I were near the end of the semester at BGSU. For most, the end of the semester is a time for focus, forethought, and finals.

For me…not so much. I worked very hard at enjoying the ENTIRE college experience, not just the drudgery of academia. It was, in my opinion, time to party.

Sure, there had been partying throughout the semester. The best outings were when we would go to a party off-campus at someone’s house or apartment, and the host had no clue who the hell we were.

We, of course had a right to be there, because of the obligatory, “Friend of a Friend of a Friend Party Law”.

Beer Bongs were big back then, and I became quite good at handling the receiving end of one. After a few of those, the fun would get underway.

We found it hilarious to pick up the host’s camera that was sitting on the kitchen table and proceed to take pictures of ourselves.

When said host had the film developed, he or she would have no idea who the hell the people in the pictures were.

One of our crew had a penchant for pilfering women’s nightgowns and dresses from their closets and wore them on Sundays as we watched football. He would always say, “They just feel right.”

This is the same guy who was hauled into the back of a paddy wagon during the busting up of a party.

You see, one night we were at a party that evidently drew noise complaints from the neighbors. When the cops arrived, our cohort in question was standing on the front porch with a good buzz going on.

He stated quite loudly, “Holy Crap, look at all the pigs!!” Just then, an officer emerged from the bushes and grabbed him by the arm and proceeded to escort him to the van.

Although drunk, our friend kept his quick wits about himself, and said, “C’mon occifer, I was talking about the women.”

He was ticketed for public drunkenness, and dropped off at Doyt L. Perry Stadium, better known in Bowling Green circles as “BFE”.

Now, allow me to get back to the semester ending blow out that Hair Care and I had. Joe seemed to be stressed of late, so I decided to ease his anxiety by showing him a Friday night of fun.

I asked him if he wanted to tie one on, and after threatening to mess his hair up, he graciously acquiesced.

We started by drinking some beer and Champagne Velvet in our room, while we listened to a Flock of Seagulls crank out “Space Age Love Song” through my crappy stereo.

Our buddies Paul and Webb stopped by to imbibe with us. Good Times…Good Times.

With a nice state of inebriation developing, we proceeded to McDonald’s to prepare our stomachs for the forthcoming assault upon their linings.

After Joe ordered his food, I said to him, “Your money is no good tonight. I’m buying.”

I paid. We ate. We then rambled down to the bar district.

We hit every stinkin’ bar in the city. We drank pitchers here, pitchers there, with shots of 151 everywhere. Good Lord, Nero would have been proud of the way we debauched ourselves and an entire community.

Neither of us remembered how or when we got back to our dorm room, but it was evident the next morning that we had made it.

After shaking the grain fed fog from our heads, Joe said to me, “Man, that was a great time Matt. Thanks a lot.”

I said, "Aw Joe, you don’t have to thank me.”

With a look of appreciation upon his face, he replied, “I sure as hell do have to thank you. You bought the beer, bought my Big Mac, and paid for all of the drinks at the bar. Hell, you never have money. How did you manage that?”

I smiled, grabbed my towel, and as I walked by him on my way to the shower, I told him, “I sold your textbooks.”

Happy Birthday Joe!!

And to those of you who shall be nameless, who yesterday were excited to find that Schmoop would be seen more during my illness? Here's a picture of the uber-lovely Schmoop that demonstrates her flexibility...


I hope you enjoy the picture...and then I hope you choke on it, you traitorous bastards, you!!

Cheers!!

Brett Favre Signs With The Vikings...Evidently, Retirement Is a Full-Time Job

Hey guys, guess what!?

Brett Favre is going to play quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings this year. No, seriously. He came out of retirement…again. And why not?

One year, 12 Million Dollars for the 2009-10 NFL season. Brett-Boy will get 13 million in the 2010-11 season if he plays.

Hell, maybe the Vikings will even give Favre a bonus of a few million after this season if he decides to come out of this year’s post-season retirement prior to next year’s training camp.

What the hell? I mean, sure, that’s quite a bit of cash, but isn’t dignity and being taken seriously worth something...?

Especially when he already has all of the cash that he and his family will ever need?

Bueller? Bueller? Anyone?

I am all for someone working at what they love as long as they want, but Jeebus Christ…In my view, Favre has become a joke with his, “I’m retired. I’m un-retired.” bullshit. Nora Desmond was less dramatic than Favre.

Poor Brett…The Green Bay Packers after years of quality service, traded him to the New York Jets last year instead of kissing his pretentious, “retired” ass, but c’mon Brett get over it.

I understand that playing for the Vikings offers you the opportunity to stick it to the Packers twice this year, but is it worth it? It isn’t for me, but of course, you owe me nothing.

However, I will say this. I enjoy watching old clips of Willie Mays in his, “Say Hey Kid” days playing for the Giants, not wandering around as a doddering old man playing for the Mets.

I like to remember Johnny Unitas in his Baltimore Colts uniform throwing a perfect spiral to Raymond Berry or handing off to Lenny Moore…not as a past his prime quarterback getting beaten up as a San Diego Charger.

I like to remember porn star Ron Jeremy banging Seka back in the day when his dick was bigger than his ginormous gut.

Brett…get over yourself. And now, something lighter…

Some Happy Birthday Wishes!!

First up, my longtime friend, Sherri.

Good OLD Sherri turns 45 today. She was my first true love, and I was her first sex partner.

Sherri owes her great sex life to me, because after having sex with me, every subsequent guy she has ever gotten biblical with has seemed incredibly good in the sack.

You’re welcome, Sherri…and Happy Birthday!!

A Happy Birthday also goes out to Schmoop’s brother, and my friend…David.

Dave is one of the best friends I have ever had. He’s rude, crude, and never minces his words.

However, he is also one of the kindest guys I have ever met, and would do anything for anyone…if the “anyone” is someone who isn't an asshole.

Happy Birthday David!! Maybe your “other” sister will show up with a Happy Meal or a coloring book for ya, but for the record, I dig ya.

Have a wonderful Hump Day all. I hope you spend it tipping a few for Sherri and Dave and wiping your ass with an old issue of Sports Illustrated that has Brett Favre on the cover.

Cheers!!

Happy Birthday, Schmoop!!

43 years ago today, Schmoop’s mom, who had just recently celebrated her 42nd birthday, popped out a new, shiny, little baby girl.

The girl’s name? Elizabeth…Better known as Beth, and known to Bagwine readers as, Schmoop.

That’s right folks. Today marks the 43rd B-Day of my love, my buddy, my shaft stiffener…my best friend.

She was a cute baby…Although, in the baby picture, she has the arms like that of the B-9 robot from Lost in Space…“Danger, Danger, Will Robinson.”

Her and I can sure as hell piss each other off, but I think she will tell you, she is a bigger pisser offer than I.

But…that’s okay. I still dig her…alot.

Now in this picture to the right she had hit her late teen years…

She looks cute there, however, she doesn’t like the fact that her thigh looks fat.

Coming from someone who is 5’7 and 130 pounds at her heaviest, I find that funny. And…I find her funny. Funny in a rude, yet, not-in-your-face-way.

For example, the topic of breast feeding came up recently, and she said...

"My boobs are for one thing, and one thing only, and that is for you to suck."

God, I love that.

She belches…she’s smart…she’s a pain in the ass. But…

She’s my pain in the ass, and I love her for it. I wouldn’t trade her for the world. Unless…

No, I thought about it, but I wouldn’t trade her.

Schmoop, I love ya baby. I hope you have a Happy Birthday, and to seal the deal, I give you this snippet from a song…

Happy Birthday, Schmoop...I Love You More Than Anything...Now...Can We Have Sex? ; )

Cheers!!