A Blast From The Past

On the feet of yesterday's uber-sweet post, my emotions and bodily fluids were spent.

And, between being off, getting really wasted, and not having sex yesterday, I was spent as well.

So, I am re-printing this post from 2007...Enjoy.

Oh hell yeah, it’s Friday again. Shortly the Rose will be flowin’, I’ll be glowin’, and my buzz will be growin’. I will even be having sex all weekend because I have changed the rules.

You see, sex is just a word, and I have changed the definition. I mean why can’t I? Who gave just one person the right to call full contact naked mutual stimulation, “sex”.

Who gave the guy who called sex what it is, the right to do so?

And yes ladies, it was a guy who named it that. If a woman had named it, it would be called something else, like passion play, rolling in rose petals, or god forbid, making love.

Of course, had it been Rachel Ray who named the action, she would have called it, “Making a Thirty Minute Meal.”

I have decided to redefine the action of “have, had, or having sex” as “eat, ate, or eating a meal”. The advantages are endless.

When someone asks me, “How many days a week do you have sex?”, I could respond by saying, “everyday.” Just think of how studly I would appear. I could do interviews.

Joe: How many times a day do you have sex Matt-Man?

Matt-Man: Twice a day during the week and three times a day during the weekend.

Joe: Holy Crap!! Don’t you get tired?

Matt-Man: Nope, it actually gives me more energy.

Joe: Wow…Have you ever had sex in public?

Matt-Man: Oh sure...Wedding receptions, wakes, football games, and even next to the hot dog vendor cart downtown.

Joe: Incredible. I wish I had your nerve. Hell, I panicked when my girlfriend tried to get me to do it in a restaurant one time…Just couldn’t do it. YOU da Man.

Matt-Man: Oh damn Joe, you gotta have sex in a restaurant. I have great experiences with having sex in restaurants, especially if the prices are reasonable.

Joe: Um…prices?...okay. Have you had sex with a lot of different partners?

Matt-Man: Who hasn’t? I’ve had sex with many different women, men; sometimes I even have sex with my cat, because she won’t stop begging me. I really miss the times I had sex with Mom and Dad. And it was even better when the whole family came.

Joe: Good God, man, you’re a freak, if not a criminal.

Matt-Man: Well, then put me in prison. I’ll have sex there everyday, as well.

Yes my definition change will make me the toast of the town. Now, does anyone want to meet for lunch at Pizza Hut and have sex with me?

On a far more ugly note...A disturbing thought just popped into my mind as I was re-reading this, the thought of Rachel Ray having sex.

Would she turn to her cheating husband and say, “Hey, you want to go to bed and fill my garbage bowl?”

If things were a little tight would she ask her man, “Damn honey, could you put a little EVOO on it?”

Of course, she’d be giggling the whole time…..Ewwwwwwww.

And it’s not just her, all of the cooking celebs would be icky. Look at Emeril. I can hear him trying to be be smooth by saying...

“Hey baby, in the mood for a little essence of Emeril?”

And the whole time he was banging a chick, he would be bellowing out, “BAM, BAM, BAM”. Freaky.

Giada DeLaurentis may be cute, but for some reason I can hear her saying, “Trust me honey, that’s just parmigiano reggiano down there.”

Why do I do this to myself, gross!! I guess I do it because I’m going to hell, and as they say, you’re all going with me.

Well folks enjoy the weekend, spend it with someone you love, and when you sit down to dinner, have great sex.

Cheers!!

Ask the Bag Man: Wild Irish Rose, Rocks!!

Some of you may have never seen my advice column that I do occasionally, called, Ask the Bag Man.

I answer questions about Bagwine in general, and Wild Irish Rose, in particular. Here is yet another installment.

If you'd like to read the previous issues, click HERE.

Dear Bag Man,

I looooove Wild Irish Rose, but sometimes after drinking a little too much of it, I have problems getting it up.

It has led to some frustration between my lady and I. Any suggestions? And no, NOT drinking Rose is not an option.

Cheers,

Limp Larry
Des Moines, Iowa

Dear Limp,

First of all, I would never recommend that anyone stop drinking the Queen of Bagwines, and I have confronted this same situation (haven’t I, Schmoop?).

You, my flaccid friend, have several options.

You can switch from the Red Rose to the Wild Fruit. It contains ginseng. You can add crushed Viagra to your Rose, making it what I call, a Bagwine Spits-Her.

If those fail you, there is the nuclear option. Just put some Aquadots (call me, I have a supplier) into your lady’s pre-coital meal.

When ingested, those recalled play beads act just like Ecstasy. She’ll pass out, and you can spend the night drinking yourself into Rose-Blivion.

The next morning, bring her breakfast in bed, and tell her how great the four hour sex session was. She’ll not remember a thing and be too embarrassed to disagree. Cheers!!


Dear Bag Man,

If I start drinking Wild Irish Rose, is it possible that I could become as uber-cool as you?

Lochaim,

Nerdy Jew Wanting to be Way Gentile Cool
Ft. Myers, Florida

Dear Nerdy,

Highly improbable. Oh sure, the wondrous effects may add a little charm to your personality, but being as cool as I, is a gift given to me by the Almighty.

WIR is a powerful and magical mistress, but even she has limits as to what she can do.

And I caution you, if you are an asshole or a prick to begin with, Rose will only help to illuminate that; more often than not, in public places.

She may be a kind lady, but she can also be a wicked and fickle, female of fermented flagitiousness.

Tread carefully, my friend of the Twelve Tribes, tread carefully. Cheers!!


Dear Bag Man,

Have you ever cooked with Wild Irish Rose?

Cheers,

Rachel Ray
Hugeass, New York

Dear Rachel,

I cook with WIR nearly everyday. Not in the sense that I put it into my recipes, but rather, I drink it as I cook.

My culinary skills are at their peak after I have had a few glasses of Rose. It has inspired in me, the creativity to produce amazingly nouveau dishes.

One Saturday night during a Wild Irish Rose fest, I made a full course meal that was out of this world.

For an appetizer, I dipped olives into a batter made from flour, buttermilk and horseradish and deep-fried them in a skillet of hot Gatorade.

They were delicious, however, I did break three teeth because I forgot that the olives had pits. Due to the WIR, I could neither feel nor hear the enamel shattering.

The salad was made from fescue harvested from the backyard, sardines and topped with a dressing of ketchup, and okra that I had mashed with a rolling pin.

The main course consisted of a Donatos Serious Meat Pizza. Hey, I can’t do all the work!!

For dessert, I prepared a scrumptious pudding made out of Split Pea soup, raisins, cinnamon, and Hall’s Cherry Cough Drops. Yum-Oh!!

I hope my story inspires you to cook while drinking WIR as well. Cheers!!

That’s it for today folks. I won’t be around much today, because I am off to see the little guy, and then to work tonight.

Have a lovely Tuesday…

Cheers!!

Would You Like A Jihad With Your Bagel?

For those of you who may have missed it in the news, Michelle Malkin is making waves again.

Now Michelle, in addition to being a paranoid, right-wing idiot in general, and a blathering, despicable bitch in particular…

Is also, in a superficial, and less than esoteric way, unpleasing to both the sense of sight and hearing.

She “broke” yet another story last week of shameful American corporate collusion with Islamo-Fascists.

She fingered Dunkin’ Donuts and their spokeswoman, the annoyingly present Rachel Ray as a tool of the “terrorists”.

You see, Rachel appeared in an ad for Dunkin’ Donuts wearing an alleged Keffiyeh, a scarf worn by Arabs and more specifically Palestinian terrorists.

Malkin, whose IQ is much lower than that of the price of a small cup of DD coffee, was shocked…Nay!! Outraged!!

Shit for brains Malkin, stated the following…

“The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos…The scarves are staples at anti-Israel rallies in San Francisco and Berkeley.”

Well, anyhow, Malkin made a stink of this, and Dunkin’ Donuts pulled the ad. To which crazy lady stated…

“It's refreshing to see an American company show sensitivity to the concerns of Americans opposed to Islamic jihad and its apologists.”

Oh glory to be to me and the Holy Baby Jeebus, I and my breakfast feel so much safer knowing that there isn’t an IED in my bagel.

Did I say bagel? Damn right I did. DD sells bagels!! A company that is threatening to Islamocize the world sells fricking bagels.

Hell, for all I know Dunkin’ Donuts also peddles a mean Abra-Ham and Cheese Omelet with a side of Moses Toast for a mere 4 shekels every day but Saturday. (see store for details)

Wow…Michelle Malkin is one flipped-out female of Filipino descent who is bat-shit crazy, not to mention the only competitor to Annthrax Coulter for the grand prize winner of "Who Wants to be a Crazy Person?!!"

If Dunkin’ Donuts was promoting Palestinian terrorists or any other kind, they would serve falafels, hummus, and dirt sandwiches.

Michelle, I know that you are married, and have a couple of kids, but c’mon; you need more dick in your life, and less Bill O’Reilly.

Have a great Tuesday, all.

I am taking Ryno to lunch today and it will be videotaped.

Cheers!!

Barack Obama: His Name Just Don't Sound 'Merican

Tonight, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton debate in Cleveland, and one week from today I will be voting in the Ohio Democrat Primary.

Initially, I fully supported Senator Joe Biden for President, but he dropped out long ago. So, it now comes down to Obama and Clinton.

While not having any kind of fire in my belly while doing so, I will be voting for H-Rod.

I’m not a big fan of Obama, but I will say this, he has been subjected to some of the most idiotic and ill-informed attacks ever leveled against a Presidential candidate.

The attacks both amuse and frighten me.

A few examples of this, I now offer…

If you live within a few hundred miles of Cincinnati, Ohio, between 12:20 and 3:00 in the afternoon, you can listen to Bill Cunningham on 700 WLW AM radio during the week.

Cunningham is a radio talk show host full of right wing schtick, and political red meat for rednecks.

Willie, as he is known around here, gets very high ratings, but the collective IQ of his listeners who call into his show, run in indirect proportion to those ratings.

Sadly, most of these callers live within an hour of lovely Bagwine, Ohio.

The comments made by these callers confirm that eating grain fed beef while drinking Wild Irish Rose does produce a detrimental effect on one’s mind.

Willie’s show is filled with talk about Barack Hussein Obama being a Muslim.

I really don’t give a crap if the guy is a practicing Aardvark worshipper, but for the record, Obama is not a Muslim; he’s Christian.

Willie and his flock say that Obama was raised a Muslim and attended one of them there madrasas.

Well, Obama, did attend school, and since "madrasa" is the Arabic word for school, any type of school, they may be on to something.

The truth is that Obama attended elementary school while living in Indonesia. He went to a school for awhile that was full of Muslims.

Which makes sense since Indonesia has a Muslim population that is even larger than Rachel Ray’s ass.

Hell, the impressive thing to me is that Obama also attended, and survived a Catholic school while there. Can you picture an Indonesian Nun?

Screw getting hit with a ruler, they probably use steel reinforced rattan canes to beat the kids.

I also hear that this picture shows that Obama refused to place his hand on his heart while reciting the pledge of allegiance.

Not true.

In the picture shown, it is the Star Spangled Banner being played at the time it was taken.

I don’t put my hand on my heart when our National Anthem is played.

If at a ball game, I merely take off my hat, sing off key, and mangle the lyrics as mustard from my hot dog drips from my chin.

That may be true too Matt-Man, but Obama didn’t put his hand on the Bible when he was sworn in. Yes, he did.

But seriously, I really don’t care if had he placed his hand on the Bible, the Quran, or a copy of SCREW magazine. None of these reads can counteract the stupid of any lawmaker.

I am not voting for Barack Obama, but not because of any of these baseless rumors.

I will not vote for Obama because he is black…and there is no way in hell that I am voting for one of them there niggras.

Kidding of course, but I am sure that there are plenty of morons who call Willie Cunningham’s radio show that think that way.

No, the real reason I will not be voting for Obama is the following…

When he gives a well delivered speech that conjures up visions of majestic, amber, waves of grain, all I see is a man who is long on chaff and short on wheat.

Cheers!!