I Like Mascots And Donuts, But Gloria Allred Is A Khunt

I usually reserve my more hodgepodgical posts for Hump Day as I am a fan of alliteration but I shall break tradition and parlay some various thoughts and bon mots upon you today instead.

I guess we shall consider today, Mélange Monday. Mmmkay?

Some of you may know that my son Ryno plays on his High School Junior Varsity Basketball team.

He is one of the two starting forwards and will end up as their leading rebounder this year when the season comes to an end after tonight‘s game.

However…Ryno pulled double duty during this year’s season.

During home games this year, after Ryan was finished toiling and sweating on the court with his JV teammates he would don his school’s lion mascot suit and perform as the mascot for the varsity games.

Damn right…Ryan the Lion. He digs it. And why is that? He explains as follows…

“Dad, when you’re wearing the mascot suit, you can get away with almost anything. Especially with the chicks.”

Here’s to Ryno…He is definitely his father’s son, although his ego may even be bigger than mine. It’s a toss-up at this point.

Schmoop went to the grocery this past Thursday. She was very kind and bought things I could eat without breaking my Lenten promise to eat no bread. She even knew that, oddly, I have had a sweet tooth of late.

So, what did she buy for me to feed this rare occurrence? Donuts!! Donuts, folks!! Hello…Deep fried what? That’s right…Deep Fried Bread!! Jeebus, Mary, and Joseph, people.

She says that it was an assident. Uh-Huh…She’s the fucking devil trying to tempt me. If she didn’t have such nice tits, and an impeccable hoo-ha, I’d exorcise her right out of my life.

But it’s okay…I have a defense.

I have set up the cabinet in which the donuts sit in a way that will prevent me from eating them…

Damn right, Bitches…Dashboard Jeebus will guard against me slacking from my commitment.

Oh I just had an extemporaneous thought…Is there a bigger fricking whore in world than Gloria Allred? I don’t fucking think so. God, she’s a khunt.

I am not a big celebrant of Birthdays but today is one very special Birthday…um…day. A great American who is responsible in great part for who we United Staters are today.

No, not George Washington. Washington was gay. Hell, George and Bend-a-Dick Arnold use to go down on each other behind the stables before Arnold cheated on him with Major Andre and was deemed a traitor.

No folks…I am talking about one Scott Oglesby who authors the very funny, Zodi’s Blog. Ol’ Scotty turns 37 today.

Scott no longer lives in the States; he lives in Spain. But I won’t hold that against him. I just figure he wanted to move to a country where it was socially acceptable to bathe in olive oil and take a nap six times a day.

Anyhoo…Happy Birthday to Scott. I even gave a present to Scott without his knowledge..

Last night, I had hot, sweaty, monkey sex with the Donut-Buying Devil that is Schmoop , and I had her call me “Scott” the entire time.

I hope you could feel it last night Scott. It’s the least I could do for you, and on top of that?

I figure now since I did that for you, the next time I have sex with Schmoop she’ll let me call her, "Tyra."

Cheers!!

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Man Oh Man, and Oy Fucking Vay…

I spoke earlier this week about Lent having a disciplinarian type effect on me and that it affords me the opportunity to accomplish something. Well, in addition to the breadless thing, that all came to fruition yesterday.

Yesterday, when I woke up I said to myself:

“Self, you have been a good boy for quite a few days…You’re off today, Schmoop is at work, and you’ve nowhere to go. Let’s get shit faced.”

Holy Cow, did I ever accomplish that. I had 8,000 beers and a pint of Rose intermixed with two naps.

And now? I sit here typing this with palsied hands and a 3,000 pound head. But it’s all good, because I accomplished what I set out to do. My goal has been met.

There is a down side…I have to work 11-9 today. Fortunately, we just received a new supply of NOS and Full Throttle at the store so I should be able to muddle through.

The epiphany I mentioned yesterday is still in the works, but I think it will bear fruit soom…um…soon. Thanks Rat.

So today, since I must be off in awhile my post is but a couple of pictures. We can consider them Saturday Morning cartoons…

Yeah, this is me with the quasi-mullet and the red jacket. This picture was taken in Bowling Green in 1986 as I am having deep thoughts with my buddy Scott...

Here I am on the same day receiving amore from Brian with the aforementioned Scott between my legs...

And here ladies and gentlemen, is the sexiest dirt dweller in the world...Ooo La La...Oh how I yearn to be her hand puppet...

Have a wunnerful weekend, all!!

Cheers!!

The Three Stooges

I have been trying to work on my new site, Twittering, and Facebooking, and my mind is racing faster than John Edwards’ dick, so I thought I would simply give a couple of shout-outs to people who are relatively new to Bagwine.

Doing this accomplishes two things…It takes the pressure off of me trying to write something funny, and it makes me seem like I actually care about others.

First up, … Four Dinners
This Brit is one fucked up, mess of a man, and I love him for it. Holy Cow. If he and I were on opposing sides during the American Revolution, we would have thrown down our arms, grabbed a beer, and had a three way with Molly Pitcher.

Of course, I would hope that he and I didn’t come in contact. He’s next door to Scotland and I don’t want to be covered in Haggis funk. If you want to put a little international flavor in your lives, please check this Mad Man out.

Secondly, we have 3 Men and a Lady…

She’s a mommy….She blogs…But she’s not a Mommy Blogger, per se. She’s funny, and of course as you can see…She’s hot. Of course, who isn’t when they’re thirty or so. I actually didn’t want to put her in this post because I have sin on my mind her teeth are so damn nice. I'm envious.

Her teeth remind me how bad mine are. But I couldn’t help it. I dig her too much to not include her. If you’d like to meet someone who is just an ordinary person, is muddling through life like you and I, and seems to have a great sense of humor, check ol’ Lady out.

Lastly and tertiarily, we have Scott…

Scott is a funny mo-fo who lives in Spain. He used to live in Pittsburgh. I don’t know if that’s a step up or a step down. Spain…Pittsburgh…? Eh, it’s a wash...or an unwash.

Some of you may know him but never read him on here. He usually leaves comments that are 8,000 words long, so you may just skim over his words. You shouldn’t.

The dude is funnier than watching a retarded kid trying to lick an ice cream cone while rolling himself up a ramp in a wheelchair on a hot summer day.

Holy Shit…Scott makes me laugh out loud, and seems to be a nice guy unlike Four Dinners who I am sure is a complete asshole.

So there you have it folks…

If you have nothing better to do check all three of these folks out. You’ll be glad you did. I’m glad, that like you, they frequent Bagwine.

I like nice, funny people…and these three loveable goofs fit that definition.

Cheers!!