Take This Job and Shove It, but Let Me Keep It

Have you ever been so motherfucking angry, that you wanted to walk away from a job you so desperately need to pay your bills?

That was me Tuesday. Oh, and Monday.

I normally keep everything in. One, because I’m used to the situation, and my boss. Two, because I have to have this job. In this economy I’d be hard pressed to find another one, especially at my age.

Three…I’ve been here for ten years.

This is all kinds of fucked up.

It’s not like I make a fortune. Hell, I haven’t had a raise in nine years, but the man helped me out a lot when I got in trouble with money, but…

I should know by now that he just he just cares about himself.

You think I’m kidding about finding his shit? You would be wrong.

I’ve been in Administration for over 25 years. I know what I’m doing. Why must he question every step? Why do I let him make me so mad?

Truth be told, who do I let him make my cry? I’m not a crier people. Old fucking Yeller doesn’t make me cry, but damn. So frustrating.

I know he does this every once in a while, you know like once a month. Huh, now, that I think about it…he has PMS! No he doesn’t.

He’s turning 67 on Thursday, he wants total control, even though he says he wants to turn shit over. 

I guess this time…he just got to me.

I just wanted to say, “Look, I’m going home now. Let’s see how you fair by yourself for the rest of the day.”

My home phone would be ringing off the hook. The man just does not realize what the fuck I do for him.

He did tell me today that when he dies, he wants to be in the casket with his cell phone, so he can bother me! I didn’t laugh.

This is why I drink. Well, no, no it’s not, but you get my drift, right?

Well, I feel better now. Fuck this shit, right? Right!?

I’m good.

Zooooves!!

West Side Story

The west end of Bagwine strikes again!

I came into work Tuesday morning, only to discover my internet connection is moving like an old man trying to return soup in a deli.

This couldn’t be good right? For me I mean, fuck everyone else. How was I to function for eight or nine hours with the internet this way!

I have no patience for slowness! Um…I really don’t need the internet for work. My work programs were just fine. Fuckers.

Then…it quit altogether. It quit.

A side note. This had nothing to do with Time Warner Cable. 

No, my friends, it’s all about the thugs, and assholes in the neighborhood. Time Warner tried to help us over the phone, but had to eventually issue a job ticket.

See, we’ve had this happen before. In the alley by my building, is the pole where the cable box is located. A forty foot pole. Forty foot.

These dwellers around here get their ladder, climb up, open the box, and steal cable, and internet service. They’ve done it at least three times. Why yes, they are reported by the cable company each and every time, but I’m certain it takes a hell of a lot to prosecute.

Anyhoo, Time Warner did their job.

Needless to say, I lost my motherfucking mind! Yes me, see above about everybody else.

Between actual work, and my boss asking 457 times, “Is it on yet?” Oh my sweet, sweet Baby Jeebus.

Luckily for me, and the health and well being of everyone around me, the internet came back on at 12:30.

What? Six hours isn't a long time to go without entertainment?  Let’s see you try it buckos!

Zoooooves!!

It's Not Just My Hormones That Are Whacked Out!!

So how was your day? Was it a good day, or a bad day? You want to talk about your day? Tough shit. I’m talking about mine.

I came to work at the butt ass crack of dawn on Monday. Yes, butt ass crack of dawn is a phrase. It’s mine, back off.

Seeing as we were shut down last week, I did expect a few, and I mean a few things to be waiting for me. Well, slap my ass, and call me Sally. A few to me means three, not forty.

In my bizness, we are usually seasonal. Meaning, we cater to schools. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s July. 

Why in the hell are you people not on vacation? Why? I thought I would at least have a few more weeks of nothingness.

Then, there is the “curse”, as my sainted Mother used to call it. I am sicker than a dog, and spending half my day in the bathroom. Sorry for the TMI guys, just painting a picture, if you will.

Jesus, I didn't even feel like drinking a beer. Um, I did…but I didn’t feel like it.

I did receive seven new orders, which is great right now. The only thing is, there was something wrong with every fucking one of them, which means I cannot process them until I get all the information they are supposed to send me. Assmunches.

I spent most of the day faxing, and making phone calls, which I hate. Know why? My cohort in crime is off this week, so I actually have to do the work I would gladly pawn off on him.

I’m the office manager, dammit. That is supposed to mean I have princess status in my asbestos filled castle.

It gets better.

Everyone who called or e-mailed, wanted to know where we were last week, and also, where is their mother fucking order? 

Today? I really wanted to say, you know what, I don’t have a clue. Also? I don’t care. I didn’t though. You know why?

I am a true professional, and I lie…a lot.

I guess Bullshit Princess should be my title. I’m bringing that up to the board. Maybe I’ll finally get my wet bar.

The only one who did not piss me off today…was my boss, the man that always manages to make me angry no matter what.

Go figure.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I feel tons better.

Here’s hoping to better days ahead, with sunshine, love, and if I get lucky…unicorns flying out my ass.

Zoooooves!!

There's No Crying At Work

So…

Here I am sitting at work. Bored to death. It’s summer, and my industry is really slow now that schools are out.

I’ve done what I can today…I drank enough coffee to float the fuck out of here, and…

I found my boss’s keys, as well as my boss himself. Three times. Oy, and bleah.

What to do? What to do? Oh I know, write a blog post!!

Does this seem wrong to anyone? 

I mean, I am stealing company time, but in all actuality, I’m still technically working, right? 

Since Matt-Man doesn’t pay me for this, shouldn’t someone?

In all honesty, I’ve been here a long time and pretty much do what I want anyway…as long as the important stuff gets done, that is.

What I’d really like to do is work from home, where the only keys I have to find are my own. Where I don’t have to answer to someone else or talk someone off the ledge. 

That happens more times than I care to admit.

A place where I can drink. My damn boss still refuses to install a wet bar here. 

Of course, alcohol might be a deterrent if I was doing something really important…you know, like transcribing and/or interpreting medical records.

“Whoopsy!! Sorry, Mr. Jones, you were supposed to have a tonsillectomy, not an anal probing. I apologize.”

Yeah…Not sure that I could have a home office with beer. Now working without pants? Boy Howdy, I am soooo there. But…they don’t let me do that here either.

Where the hell are my motherfucking perks? Mayb---Oh gotta go…My boss lost the deposit bag…AGAIN!! 

Anyhoo…

Listen to the I’m With Stupid show that took place yesterday.
 

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

Jay and Matt-Man may not be bright, but they know their politics and in their own minds, are well hung.

Don’t forget…Big announcement by Matty-Boy six days from now…He better get his lazy ass into gear.

Zoooooves!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: The Land of Milk and Honey

It’s going to be a rainy and glum Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today. I’ll blame it on Obama; why the hell not, eh?

Now yesterday for the majority of the day it was bee-yoo-tee-ful. My shift at the Beer Mine was more than bearable.

I caught some rays. It was busy which made the time go quickly, and…

Evidently it was Breast Awareness Day at the Beer Mine on Saturday. My, oh my.

I haven’t seen that much cleavage on display since the time I was eight and spent the afternoon looking at the bra ads in my mom’s JC Penny catalog.

It was like working a fun bag smorgasbord.

There were all sizes, shapes, hues, and personalities. Damn right, Bitches. Tits have distinct personalities.

And listen up…I got some nipple shot. Twice!! Although seriously, I could have done without seeing the nip on the second chick.

I was getting so worked up looking at the myriad of mammaries parading through the place that I couldn’t wait to get home so I could play with Schmoop’s boobies.

Or should I call them, Schmoobies? Anyhoo…

So, at 9:10 P.M., I walked into the digs and lo and behold…Schmoop was sound asleep. The titty tussle I had so hoped for, was not to be.

Bummer.

I popped some beers, turned on the Reds/Cards baseball game, and instead of playing with Schmoop’s titters, I tweeted on Twitter.

Such is the life of the Matt-Man. Maybe today will bring a fun-filled time with the Schmoobies. I can only hope.

Amen, and Amen…

Have a wonderful Sunday folks. I am off to see Ryno this morning and have to stop at the funeral home this afternoon.

My brother’s MIL passed away late Thursday night at the age of 79. She will be missed by even those who only met her briefly.

While it is always sad when it happens, this wonderful woman packed a lot of life into her years and she was in a word, fun.

Here’s to her, and to all of her family and friends.

Cheers!!

I'm A Fucking Genius

It’s a cool but gorgeously sunny Saturday in Bagwine, Ohio, and I am working 11-9.

I don’t mind working on Saturdays because people tip well on Saturdays and more importantly, people who come through are in a good mood.

I like happy people. I like being around people who are happy. Happiness makes me happy. Just like gonorrhea, happiness is infectious.

Anyhoo…

I have a couple of random thoughts before I depart for my shift at the Beer Mine.

Tomorrow I am putting up my first advertisement on Bagwine. I don’t put much crap on my sidebar. I like simplicity and unclutteredness. However…

Long time Bagwine buddy and funny woman Marilyn runs her own business, and I wanted to offer what little help and promotion I could, so I told her to send me an artsy link button.

She sent me one, and tomorrow I shall post it prominently upon the sidebar of my beloved Bagwine Ruminations page.

It may help her. After all, yesterday my site had 1248 first time visitors and nearly 2,000 page views, and you know why?

Because of that stupid Heidi Montag/Megan Fox Naked post I did some time ago. Ha.

They weren’t even naked on my site and yet the Googles directed horny men and women to my site through searches.

I’m a fucking genius.

Did you know that some companies make wheelchairs for dogs? I was astounded to find this out.

Dogs today have Chef Michael food, orthopedic beds, and wheelchairs. I’m thinking to myself, how I can get into the pussification of dogs business?

I came up with a great idea. I’m going to have sex with chicks, get them pregnant, and raise and train the children as, are you ready for this?

Seeing Eye Humans for Blind Dogs!! Once again, I’m a fucking genius.

If any of you ladies out there want to help me get the business off the ground, let me know; we’ll have sex. And remember…

"Every time we fuck, a blind dog gets his sight back."

And there you have it folks. My gift to you on this wonderful April Saturday.

Have fun, drink a lot, and have plenty of sex, after all…

There’s a blind dog out there who needs you to cum.

Cheers!!

Driving Sharky's Machine To Bob Evans

Another beautiful day in Bagwine today. Sunny and a high of 67. I can dig it.

I’m working 11-9 today, but the weather should help to put a smile on the face of each and every customer…

At least I hope it does.

As I mentioned yesterday, I took my son, Ryno to Bob Evans for breakfast yesterday. When I showed up at his house, this is what I was greeted with…

Damn right, Bitches. My son grew a moustache over night and was doing his impersonation of Burt Reynolds in the 1981 cinematic classic, Sharky’s Machine.

Hee Hee...He is definitely my son!!

Typically when Ryno and I go out to eat we are surrounded by plenty of strange people and he and I spend our time laughing at their oddness.

Yesterday? The denizens of Bagwine dining at Bob’s were abnormally normal. It was a bummer. So, Ryno and I spent our time making fun of each other. It was touching.

I did manage to capture a picture of the toilet in the men’s room in which I took a piss…

Fascinating, no? I thought you’d like it, and yeah I hadn’t flushed yet, so you just saw my pee. Don’t you feel closer to me now? Of course you do.

And that’s all I gots for today.

I’ll have my camera with me at work in case there is any breaking news or drunk chicks with big tits coming through to order a case of Bud Light and a piece of my ass.

Until tomorrow folks, remember…

Nobody leans on Sharky’s Machine…

Cheers!!

Can't We All Just Get Along...And Quickly?

It has been warm here in Bagwine of late, which means the last two days at the Beer Mine, especially Tuesday night, have been damn busy.

It’s great to have oodles of business, but it was quite evident that many people who are just now coming out of hibernation have forgotten the rules of the Beer Mine. So…

I thought this would be a perfect time to re-visit the rules in order to make your trip through the Beer Mine speedy and enjoyable for yourself, the staff, and the customers in the cars behind you. M’kay?

First off, an easy one. Drive-By Mikey’s Golden Rule: No complaining…especially about the prices. If you complain about our prices, you will be told, “Well, Speedway’s down the street.”

If you have three kids with you DO NOT wait until you pull in to ask, “What do you want kids?”

If you do this, you will forever be hated not only by us but the other customers waiting patiently. If the kids don’t know, make their damn minds up for them. Quit spoiling the rotten little shits.

Another good way to speed things up for everyone, is to know if you have money PRIOR to pulling in and ordering.

Call me crazy, but when I go to buy something, I usually know if I have money on me. Just sayin’.

This leads to a related rule…Know where your goddamn money is. Don’t order and wait until I get back with everything to stick your sweaty hand into a purse the size of a hefty bag looking for your money. Have it at the ready.

And please…if your order comes to, oh let’s say…$15.34? Don’t hand me a 20 and then say, “Hold on, I think I have 34 cents in here. It’ll help you out.”

It doesn’t help me out; the time you take to root around for cum stained pennies pisses me off. And those behind you even more so.

Oh by the way…DO NOT wait until we gather up all of your shit, ring it up, and then bring it to you to ask, “You take debit and/or credit cards right?” We don’t. You might want to ask that when you first pull in, Einstein.

Knowing EXACTLY what you want helps too. If you tell me that you want a pack of Marlboro Menthols and I bring them to you and then you ask, “Do you have these in 100’s?”, my answer will of course be, “no.” While I am pretty fucking amazing, I’m not Kreskin.

DO NOT ask us, “What kind of pop do you have?”

We only have a few pop coolers and they are quite visible so just look around quickly sport. Unless of course you are a blind fucker, which leads me to the next rule…

If you are blind, you shouldn’t be driving and going through the Beer Mine.

I may enjoy you as a customer, but really…when there is a line of cars behind you, I do not have time to hear how your wife left you, how you got VD from your dog, or the smell of your weepy abscess. Get your beer and move along.

If we ask you for your ID, and you say, “Well, how old do you think I am?” Know this…We really don’t fucking care, as long as you are old enough to buy smokes and/or alcohol.

If you want us to go outside during a thunderstorm to get you a bag of ice, we will say, “I’m sorry; we’re out.”

And lastly (for now) if I scan something and it doesn’t ring up the first time, I don’t want to hear for the 10,000th time:

“Hee Hee…If it didn’t scan the first time it’s free.” If that happens and you say that, it’s not only not free, the price just went up 100% and I will pee all over your tires.

I hope that these guidelines can help us all have a more enjoyable upcoming summer at the Beer Mine.

The owner and staff of the Beer Mine appreciate your attention.

Cheers!!

Holy Tuesday Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

As postal employee Newman once uttered:

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

On Mondays and Tuesdays, I now work from 10 A.M. til' 9 P.M., so I have little time to surf around, so I shall catch up with ya all sometime Wednesday...Unless my computer pukes, the color is off and it's making a very odd noise.

Cheers!!

Is This Post About Me, Or Chick? Eh, Either Way, It's Sweet!!

You know what I discovered?

I discovered that I really don’t care what people think of me.

And…I don’t mean that in a “fuck the world, I’m on drugs” kinda way. Let me tell ya…

My ex once said to my son, Ryno, “If you don’t get good grades you’ll end up working at a Drive-Thru like your dad.”

Yeah, uh-huh…she really did. And it hurt…temporarily.

When I found that out, I wanted to say,

“If you’re not careful son, you’ll end up marrying some bitch with a death wish and the wish is all about you.”

But, my good nature precluded me from saying that...and I digress...

A couple of people said things to me recently that made me happy. First of all, Schmoop said:

“Hey, Mahone? Ya wanna sleep with me tonight?”

She didn’t ask me ‘cause I was in need. For God’s sakes she needs my dick more than I need her hoo-ha, but she asked me because she thought it would be nice…and as you guys know…my back hates that bed.

Ha...like she needs my dick more than I need her thang...Ha..I kill myself. Anyhoo, to my point...

Someone who is a relative new commenter to Bagwine said something yesterday that rocked my world…

My relatively new buddy Mystery Chick said the following:

“I tried to stay up til you posted tonite but was unable to keep my eyes open. Luckily for me I got an ill-timed text that woke me and now I can have my daily fix.”

It was the fact that she implied that she stays up until I post that set me off.

I melted…Now don’t get me wrong…I’ve seen pictures of her cleavage and I dig her cleavage and fishnet stockings, purrrrrr, but that wasn’t it. I was just kinda shocked…in a good way,

I thought Chick, saying that she stayed up for my post, was the coolest thing in the world.

Someone, perhaps, Scott said this week that I’m a lucky guy…

And you know what? I am. I have a job, a woman who loves me (well, at least one), and as Schmoop says, “a place to come home to.”

I felt tonight, and I don't know why, and I know this post is all disjointed and what not, but I've been thinking about MC for a couple of reasons and wanted to say hey. That's all.

Chick is going through some tough times, as are many people. She didn’t realize it, but she made my day, and I feel the need to pay her back.

Not because she expects it, but because I want to.

So Chick..if you see this or not…here’s to ya.

And while I am working 11-9 today…all you folks show someone out there that you care…intentionally or not.

Cheers!!

Pissed Off...But Just A Little Bit

It’s Saturday, I have to work later, but boy do I have some things on my fricking mind.

I have a thing against mommy bloggers in general, mainly because they get HUGE AUDIENCES without having any talent…however…

Some of them get HUGE audiences in spite of their ability to write, and that ticks me off.

I bust my butt in order to post everyday, and for the most part, my shit is pretty funny. Okay, not always, but at least, it is for the most part, entertaining.

AND, everyone who reads me, I find funny, and for the most part quite intelligent…More often than not, I find your comments funnier than the post.

That is why I read you…but yeah, I have some jealousy. I have a streak of vanity that once in awhile raises its cobra-like head.

As much as I am a run of the mill kinda guy, I make no bones about me wanting to make some money off of all of this, and ya know…

I just don’t get it.

I see others with sites who have nearly 1,500 followers, (which I don't do) and are “nominated” for Humor Blog of the Year and I want to throw up.

There’s one chick in particular that I happen by and I think…WTF? And yet, she’s relatively large.

I hate those kinds of things.

I would never ask you guys to be my “followers” nor would I beg you guys to vote for me for some stupid award, and yet, I hate the petty feelings of jealousy that I somtimes get, but..

I do get a bit of pissiness in me once in awhile about this. I bet some of you others do too…

Maybe you guys don’t feel the same way, but dammit, I’m pretty funny and many of you are too, and we should get credit for it. Whatever that means…

But damn, why can’t we all make people just figure out how fucking "magnificent" we are without effort?

Lastly, I need to tell you all something quite painful…

If you followed me on Wednesday, I told you that Ryno’s tiny, private school is going to field a baseball team this year. They play in a major Ohio conference.

Well, anyhow…13 players signed up. I asked Ryno the following:

"Hey Ryno? How many have played in the last 2 years or so?" He replied, “Two.”

I further pondered...“Um..Sweetie? When is your first practice?”

He answered, “Tonight Dad.”

I asked…”What are you going to be working on during your first practice?”

He replied, “Catching and Throwing.”

I thought to myself, “Well…ya gotta cover the fundamentals“…Oh Dear God, pray for Ryno and his team.

Cheers!!

Correction and Apology: This post orginally had Amid Life's Crises as one of the labels. It was supposed to be labeled "Life". Dana's site of the aforementioned title always comes up first in my label list and I inadvertantly hit that one.

This post had nothing to do with Dana or her site. I apologize for the mistake.

Saturday Morning Cartoons

Man Oh Man, and Oy Fucking Vay…

I spoke earlier this week about Lent having a disciplinarian type effect on me and that it affords me the opportunity to accomplish something. Well, in addition to the breadless thing, that all came to fruition yesterday.

Yesterday, when I woke up I said to myself:

“Self, you have been a good boy for quite a few days…You’re off today, Schmoop is at work, and you’ve nowhere to go. Let’s get shit faced.”

Holy Cow, did I ever accomplish that. I had 8,000 beers and a pint of Rose intermixed with two naps.

And now? I sit here typing this with palsied hands and a 3,000 pound head. But it’s all good, because I accomplished what I set out to do. My goal has been met.

There is a down side…I have to work 11-9 today. Fortunately, we just received a new supply of NOS and Full Throttle at the store so I should be able to muddle through.

The epiphany I mentioned yesterday is still in the works, but I think it will bear fruit soom…um…soon. Thanks Rat.

So today, since I must be off in awhile my post is but a couple of pictures. We can consider them Saturday Morning cartoons…

Yeah, this is me with the quasi-mullet and the red jacket. This picture was taken in Bowling Green in 1986 as I am having deep thoughts with my buddy Scott...

Here I am on the same day receiving amore from Brian with the aforementioned Scott between my legs...

And here ladies and gentlemen, is the sexiest dirt dweller in the world...Ooo La La...Oh how I yearn to be her hand puppet...

Have a wunnerful weekend, all!!

Cheers!!

Why

I have a couple of things on my mind.

First…I was dissed by a long time friend. I was deleted from her life. NO, not physically, but emotionally.

It’s kinda weird because I usually wouldn't give a rat’s ass, but we had been friends for years, and her casting me aside because “it doesn’t look good” sucks. I know…I am using great English today….Fuck it.

It’s absolute bullshit. If this chick has to “hide” me from her man, that is just silly. On her part and on his. We were friends. For a long damn time.

Does anyone get that? I have lots of friends that I used to go out with. Does Schmoop care? And Schmoop? Hell, she's hosed the entire city. Do I care? NO, she knows I love her.

When do people stop being 14 year olds? Oh, I know…they don’t!!

Holy Cow!!

Anyhoo…My brother Vince, found a copy of my dad’s first book. And from this book, Irish Coffee, I give you a poem titled, “Why”.

Why

Why do you seek to destroy
all that I build
knowing full well
that time alone would serve instead.
and once the pillars rot
and the castles fall,
you would not be burdened
with a sense of guilt?

Why do you taunt me
with practical things
nor realize that all dreams
must someday be shattered,
and falling to earth
awake each man
with the thunder of mediocrity?

Could it be that deep inside
you cannot watch me suffer
the pain of one
who strives for stars
and struggles,
day by sad day,
up a ladder without rungs?

Jack Mahoney ©1974

Yeah…my dad had a way with words, and he passed it on. I just hope I don’t let him down.

Working 11-4 so wish me a good day. We’re having some snow, Bitches!!

Cheers!!

Burgers, Schmoop, and Ass Chap

Another fun-filled weekend for the Matt-Man. So fun in fact that the Matt-Man is compelled to talk in that pretentious third person type of way that makes the Matt-Man more annoying than usual.

Yes indeed. Matt-Man will be working all weekend. Saturday 11-9 and tomorrow from 11-7. Don’t worry ‘bout Matt, Pizza Bill…

You simply enjoy spending time with your family in your nice warm home while Matt-Man freezes his nuts off doling out beer to the idiots of Bagwine, Ohio our loyal customers. The Matt-Man hopes that you get winter ass chap, sport.

Oy Vay…Okay I think the Matt-Man is done with the third person talk. The Matt-Man apologizes.

As I was off yesterday I asked the uber-sexy, soon-to-be-ragging Schmoop what she would like me to cook for din-din.

She had only one request. She said to me…

“Would you just make something normal for once? No Hot Dog Helper…no Cheesy Noodle Loaf…no other “wacky” creation that your twisted mind has come up with.”

She went on to say…

“We have hamburger. Why don’t you just make hamburgers. You know, real hamburgers. You pat them and mold them into round patties and the cook them…with cheese on top. Oh dear God. Can ya just do that for once!?”

After licking the wounds that had been suffered by my culinary ego, I acquiesced. I made hamburgers…plain, ordinary hamburgers, with one exception…

I shaped them like this…

Damn right. In spite of her outburst and attack on my culinary creations, I expressed my love by shaping the burgers into hearts.

Not only did I find this to be a nice gesture, I found it amusingly ironic that we would be eating burgers shaped in the very organ that would be getting clogged up by the fat contained in said burgers.

Maybe I’ll open up a restaurant that specializes in “Ironic Food”. Oh yeah, Bitches. This has possibilities written all over the bill of fare.

I will be working this idea up in my brain as I freeze my nuts off at work all weekend. And Pizza Bill..?

If you want a job at my new restaurant…your chapped ass is going to be working weekends.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Faith, Hope, and Charity

It’s a gray and damp Sabbath in Bagwine, Ohio today.

My 11-7 shift at the Beer Mine will probably be a little slow and boring as was yesterday, although yesterday at work did yielded a couple of high points.

First, my brother Marty stopped by and gave me a genuine, sweet looking Camel Hair suit coat that no longer fits him. He even had it dry cleaned and let me tell ya, I look sexy in it.

The ex and Ryno stopped by as well to pick up their “weekly allowance” from me and in the process brought unto me two corn dogs and a huge cup of coffee. Zehr gut.

Schmoop’s brother Dave came through and not only brought me a huge ham and swiss cheese on dark rye, he also gave me a radio that he no longer needs. I shall put it to good use at work today.

Praise Jeebus, it was like Christmas at the Beer Mine yesterday!!

With so much good will and charity being shown toward me, I feel like Haiti. I may start referring to myself as, Matt-au-Prince.

Speaking of Haiti…could this earthquake end up being a blessing in disguise for the long suffering country?

In addition to the tragedy claiming so many innocent lives, wiping out housing, and destroying the minimal infrastructure of the nation, is it possible that this tectonic cataclysm has also wiped out years of crime, corruption, and abject poverty?

One can hope, and one should pray that perhaps this near total erasure of what once existed in Haiti and specifically the capital of Port-au-Prince, has given the inhabitants of this island nation a chance to clear away the rubble, and build a new future…

A future that consists of housing and buildings that are more tolerant of hurricanes. A future that includes an honest government, free of corruption and that works for the development of the country.

A future that is built on a viable national economy that provides services, educational opportunities and good paying jobs to the current and future generations of Haitians.

I do hope and pray that this will be the case.

I hope that the people of Haiti demand from those who claim to have the best interests of Haiti in mind to make certain that the outpouring of money and aid from the international community is put into the reconstruction of Haiti and not into the pockets of criminals, thugs, and racketeers.

The country of Haiti, in spite of the indescribable tragedy of human life is being given what many of us would like to have…a do-over.

Once the rubble is removed, the bodies buried, and the tears wiped away, Haiti will be, for all intents and purposes, a blank slate…an unpainted canvas.

I hope that the citizens of Haiti demand better than what they have been getting from their government and that future leaders of Haiti take the resources given to them by countries around the world and paint a picture of Haiti that is worthy of the beautiful region in which this island nation sits.

Amen, and Amen.

Enjoy your Sunday all…

Cheers!!

Alisyn Camerota Naked!!

It’s Saturday Bitches, so let’s party!!

Well…you guys can party. I will be spending my entire day and evening supplying folks like you with smokes and beer.

I must man the Beer Mine from 11-9 today. Poor ol’ Matt-Man. Beer and Bagwine everywhere and not a drop to drink.

I did party yesterday, and had a few beers with Schmoop’s brother, David. I also did his city taxes while half shit faced. I’m pretty sure I filled them out correctly.

At least the temps will be in the 40’s. The way it’s been here since the first of the year, it’s going to feel like it’s summer.

Of course, with the warmer weather, every freak in town will be coming through the Beer Mine. I’ll be sure to have my camera on hand just in case that’s the um…case.

I was watching Fox and Friends this morning. I was really disappointed. Alisyn Camerota appeared to have been out shagging all night.

She looked worn out and her hair was not its usual gorgeousness. I can’t believe she’d get her freak on sans Matt-Man.

Her thighs, as always, still looked incredibly tongue-licious, so that gave me a little bit of morning wood.

And hey, what more can a guy ask for when so many Haitians are dead or wondering where their next coup will come from?

Matt-Man…Always thinking of others.

Anyhoo…I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday, and perhaps tonight when I get home I’ll pound some beer, get drunk, and go on Twitter and Facebook for a couple of hours.

I never use either of those things, but tonight could be the night. Maybe Alisyn will be on Twitter and I can finally make my move.

We’ll see, and I shall see you all tomorrow. Well, for a little bit. I have to work the Beer Mine 11-7 tomorrow as well.

Jeebus Christ, if it wasn’t for me, this town would sober up.

Cheers!!

I'd Love To Chat, But My Feet Need Amputated

Let me tell you folks…Yesterday was rough.

I worked the Beer Mine all day and it was cold. When I got there in the morning it was 6 degrees and when I left eight hours later, it was a balmy 18.

The wind chill during that time? Anywhere from -5 to 10. It was so damn frigid I could smell the cold.

It smelled like rotten bananas that had been dipped in wombat shit and pissed on by Billy Bob Thornton. The smell stayed with me all day because it froze to my nasal lining with each inhalation.

Global warming my ass. The only warmth I experienced yesterday was when I picked up the heater in the office to move it and burnt my fucking hand.

Funny thing…when it’s colder outside than it is within the vaginal void that exists between Ann Coulter’s legs, people seem to enjoy talking to me as I stand next to them while they sit inside their warm car.

“Cold enough for ya?”

Yeah, I heard that 8,000 times yesterday. A couple of times I came close to responding by saying...

“Yes, but not as cold as the type of cold I’d like you to experience. You see, dumbass…

Upon hearing that stupid question, I want you to experience the absolute cold that you feel once I kick your empty head in, and rip your internal organs out.

And then, my valued customer, I am going to dig your grave in the frozen ground, with your femur I might add, and prior to me putting your dying, rotting corpse within it, I am going to force you to watch me sodomize your wife.

Keep in mind that it is already cold so don‘t be alarmed when I spread her ass cheeks and a light bulb comes on, but provided that I can get my frigid, frightened pecker hard enough I will pump her trunk nonetheless. And that will be the last vision you ever see.

THAT’S how cold I would like it to be, okay? Now thank you, and come again.”

Oy Vay…And I get to do it all over again today. But all was not loss yesterday.

When I got home Sunday night I was greeted by some good news.

As many of you know, I have been participating in a Fantasy Football League set up by Bagwine fave, Jay. Well my friends…

Yesterday was the last game and my team, The Jonas Brothers, were in the Championship game against the formidable team, The Pantless Freaks.

After a long arduous season, The Jonas Brothers assumed their rightful place as Champions of the Open Bar Fantasy Football League.

My Jonas Brothers juggernaut swept to victory in decisive fashion. In fact, you could say that the Jonas Brothers beat the pants off of their opponent, but as you can see from the name of the opponent they didn’t have any to begin with.

But anyhow…My team has won the League and I want to thank the Jay-Man for setting it up. Here’s to my coaching prowess, and a rare scrap of luck.

Have a wonderful Monday all. I’m going to be spending mine, freezing my ass off and digging graves for assholes.

Cheers!!

Working Through the White Death and the Weekend

Oh my God. The White Death is currently crippling the Bagwine area. We must have at least ¼ inch of snow on the ground.

And the roads? Well, at 32 degrees our roads are very, very, very…um…wet. You know, like it rained or something.

But as some of the preeminent freaks in the world reside in Bagwine, drivers ’round here will freak out and cause wrecks left and right.

Oh well, as long as I safely make the three minute drive to work today I will be a happy man. Did Matt-Man say “work”, you ask?

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I will be working ALL day today. 11 A.M.-9 P.M. And that’s not all, no sir-ree-bob.

I am working 11 A.M.-7 P.M. tomorrow. Holy Moly, I will be spending the entire weekend de-thristifying and selling smokes to stressed out last minute holiday shoppers.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel like the Santa Claus of the Beer and Cigarette world. Ho, Ho, Ho, burp, hack.

Schmoop picked up some candy canes for me so that I can pass them out to all of the hot babes that come through this weekend. I have approximately 40 candy canes, which means…

After I pass out canes to all of the really hot babes that come through our Drive-Thru, when I am done working the weekend, I will still have 36 candy canes to put on our tree at home.

Wish me if you will, a quiet, tip laden, moron free 18 hour weekend stint at the Beer Mine. I thank you in advance.

I went to Ryno’s basketball game last night. Oy Vay!! His school, which is a small private school, stepped up in competition this year by joining a conference that has some Division III and IV High School powers.

Well my friends…Last night, it showed…and showed…and showed.

Many people would call the game last night, “a character builder”. Ryan’s team got brutalized and posterized by a score of 62-18. The ugliness of the final score was matched only by the play of Ryno and his teammates.

The varsity team fared little better, losing 71-41. Oh well…live, learn, and get better.

Lastly…

Here’s to my nephew Kevin. Kevin will be graduating from Eastern Illinois University today. Congratulations to the big guy and to his dad (my brother Denny), who did a fine job raising him and Kev's brother and sister.

Have a wonderful weekend all. I’ll pop in when I can, provided some non-driving mo-fo doesn’t crash into the Beer Mine on the ¼ inch of snow.

Cheers!!

Saturday Mish-Mash

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

It’s a cold morning in Bagwine. 21 degrees Fahrenheit. For all of you pretentious Celsius clowns out there that’s -6 degrees.

I start my new schedule today and will be working 11-4 today, so I’ll be shivering while delivering the suds and smokes.

For me, winter is officially here when I go into the beer cooler to warm up because it’s warmer in the cooler than it is outside.

Today is such a day, but I dig the new schedule. I work four days and then off for three…and unlike my days off in the old schedule, my days off are consecutive. Boo Yah!!

I like working 11-4 because it gets me up and gets me going and I get off early enough to still enjoy the Saturday. And today will be decent because although it will be cold, it is supposed to be sunny. I like that.

I know what you’re thinking…

“Damn Matt-Man, this post is fucking fascinating!!”

What can I say? Fascinating is my middle name. Well, it’s one of my middle names…My other one being, Asshole. But of course, what’s in a name?

Anyhoo…

That’s all I’ve got. That’s all there is. There isn’t anymore.

I’ll talk to Ryno later this morning and find out how his regular season debut on his High School JV basketball team went and report back.

One last thing…

Good Luck to the Wittenberg University Tigers. Wittenberg is a very good private school located here in Bagwine, and their football team is playing in the NCAA Division III quarterfinals today.

Go Tigers!!

Until later today, perhaps tomorrow, or well, whenever…

Cheers!!

Blow Out Your Advent Candle, Christmas Is Here!!

Christmas has come early to Bagwine…

I found out late yesterday that I am off today. We have moved to our winter schedule at the Beer Mine, and I thank Pizza Bill for letting me know.

You see, our owner was too busy applying cream to his feet, asking for pesos, and dealing with crazy fuckers named Shaky-T to let me know about the change, so PB stepped up and let the Matt-Man know that I was free to bandy about today.

So I thank Pizza Bill for that, and now, secondly...

If my son isn’t “stretching the truth” (his dad put it kindly) and the soon to be posted online grades reflect what he is telling his mom and I, he is doing much better in school.

Also, his first regular High School game is tonight, and if he can keep up what he did in his last scrimmage, my little 5’10 small forward with size 14 feet will be putting up 9 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists, and draw 1 charge tonight.

I am really proud of Ryno because of his basketball prowess…

Not because it makes him a “manly athlete” but rather because it is something to which he actually does show commitment.

He has always gotten bored quite easily and would often walk away from things, especially if he didn’t conquer them the first time.

Basketball is something which at first, he wasn’t very good, but for some reason, he would not let it go away. He stayed with it and constantly practices and more importantly knows the game.

Sometimes, I think he would make a better coach than player, but anyhoo…

I wish he had the same attitude towards his classes, but at least I know that he now knows what commitment is, and how one aspect of life can affect another. He knows now that he needs grades in order to play.

See this picture..?


This is a picture of the last 12 antibiotics that I have to take. I will have completed my ingestion of said pills at noon today. On Tuesday, I was done with my $14 a piece pills that I was taking for a month.

This may not seem to be a big deal to you, but being done with taking my $525.00 worth of pills signifies something more than being in better health and incredible debt.

It signifies that once again, after two lonnnnnng months, Schmoop is willing to have sex with me!!

Schmoop had refused to have sex with me because she didn’t want me to blow a lung out on her and suffer the embarrassment of having the paramedics peel my dead body off of her warm, sweaty, lithe body should I expire during sex.

Tonight?

That all comes to an end as I am going to take her drunken ass to bed and rediscover the hot body that has no doubt been ravaged by every man in the neighborhood while I have been under the weather.

Wash it up Schmoop, Matty is coming home!!

So there you have it. There’s good. There’s bad. But…

Even in the darkest of times there is hope. And, I hope that after reading the last part of this post, Schmoop acquiesces and still allows me to have sex with her.

It would only be right after suffering so long. Right?

Cheers!!