Hodgepodgical Hump Day

Okay you chuckleheads…Time for some Hump Day Hodgepodge. Let’s rip it up!!

There wasn’t a Varsity basketball game, but my son Ryno did have a JV game Tuesday evening. How did he do you ask?

4 of 9 from 3 pt. range and a 2 pointer for a total of 14 pts.

Oddly, the two pointer he sank was the first time all season he has made anything other than a three pointer. He also had four rebounds, four assists, and played some damn good defense which yielded 4 steals.

Here’s to the R-Man and the team as a whole as they won 56-38. His next games (JV and Varsity) are this Saturday night. Godspeed my seed, Godspeed.

Since my eyesight uncorrected is nearly 20/800, it’s fun to take my glasses off and look at the lights on the Christmas tree. It’s like experiencing the fun of dropping acid without the adverse side affects.

Schmoop is in day three of her monthly shedding of her uterine lining. It hasn’t knocked her on her ass quite as badly this month as it usually does, and we’re happy about that.

Nonetheless…

Thursday night at 11 PM EST on I’m With Stupid’s Hot Blogger Chicks and Sexy Twitter Babes episode, our lusty correspondent Kim Fragile will have a live remote report from Schmoop’s uterus. Fun for the entire family!!

My mom has been gone nearly five years, but I thought of her yesterday. I was working on a hit piece about someone and I thought of something she would frequently ask of me…

“Matthew, why do you always have to see how far you can push people?”

I would always reply, “Because it’s fun, Mom!!”

We would both chuckle, although she’d be shaking her head while doing so. The thought of her made me smile.

Something I learned New Year’s Eve that, like Al Gore, will remain forever seared into my memory is this…

Even if there is an uber-special on pork roast and you can get a 4 pound piece of pig for 10 bucks?

Don’t buy it if there are only two of you who are going to eat it. The Schmoopster and I still have fucking loads of oink meat in the fridge!!

Now, if I could get 4 pounds of bacon for 10 bucks, we could eat that type of pig in a single sitting.

Lessee, what else?

Oh. The funniest thing I heard over the recent holidays was as follows…

Christmas morning after Ryno opened all his presents, I was sitting on the couch with his mom who was talking to her mom on the phone.

Ryno was laying on the floor tossing his new basketball in the air and catching it.

Well, evidently the size, roundness, and smoothness of the new ball made him think of my bald head, because out of the blue, with ball in hand, he turned to me and asked:

“Dad? Do you still have to use shampoo?”

The boy is a riot.

Happy Hump Day all, and as always…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

Happy Hump Day, Bitches!!

Many of you in the Midwest experienced some violent weather Tuesday and we did too. However…

While some areas near me got hammered, Bagwine proper did not suffer anything devastating.

I did shoot two minutes of the storm that passed through Bagwine as Drive-By Mikey and I were at the Beer Mine…



That was pretty much it. I was hoping for more meteorological excitement, but alas, it was not to be.

I’m off all day today, and you know what that means…Damn Right!! Drinking and Cooking!!

It is Chicken Shit night at the Bagwine Digs. I will be making my recent culinary invention once again and it will look, as it did the last time, something like this…

I may have a new twist. And, if the new twist meets Schmoop’s approval, there me be Hump Day sex in my future.

Today I will also be prepping hard with the Jayman in order to get this week’s installment of I’m With Stupid ready for our Friday night broadcast on Blog Talk Radio.

Friday night you say? That’s right, Bitches!!

Due to a change in my Beer Mine schedule, I’m With Stupid is moving to 11 PM EDT beginning this Friday October 29th.

Friday’s show will be our, I’m With Stupid Halloween Party.

We will have Halloween related movie promos for you, discuss our Halloween Party horror stories, and of course our weekly I’m with Stupid football picks which will include some college games this week.

We hope you will join us, listen in, and call-in to discuss all things Halloween such as the most creative and or funny costumes you or your friends have worn.

It will be ghoulish laughs galore, and blood curdling screams of hilarity this Friday at 11 PM EDT on, I’m With Stupid.

You can go to our Blog Talk Radio page by clicking: HERE.

And don’t forget kidz…As tomorrow is Thursday here on Bagwine Ruminations there will be another award-winning installment of, He Said…She Said.

Schmoop and I do so enjoy doing those. But…

As Jay and I have a short week to prepare our weekly radio nightmare, I must now bid you adieu.

Until tomorrow…

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge

How about a little Hump Day Hodgepodge, today? Great!!

Tuesday at work was a killer. The 10-9 shift is a long day in itself, but once again it seemed like 80% of the day’s business was compressed into the three hours between 5 and 8.

Holy Cow, it was smokin' busy, and I was injured as well.

I fucked up my back lifting and twirling 30 packs of beer and then smashed my right elbow into the steel doorframe between the office and the drive-thru section of the Beer Mine.

I am glad I am off today so I can recuperate before going back Thursday at 5. Take me away Wild Irish Rose!!

I may see if Jay is available to talk today so we can do our always intensive show prep for the, I’m With Stupid Blog Talk Radio broadcast this coming Sunday.

Speaking of our show, Jay and I talked a couple of weeks ago about “creative” cuisine. I mentioned my less than successful attempt to make liver in the crockpot once.

I remembered at work Tuesday that I shot a video of Schmoop complaining about it the day it happened.

So, if you have never seen it, and/or would like to check out Schmoop’s purrrr-rific legs, here’s the video of the “Crockpot Liver Incident”…

There’s a lot in the news about the California Governor’s race and how Jerry Brown, one of his aides, or maybe even his wife was caught on a phone message calling his GOP opponent, Meg Whitman, a whore.

Two things, here…

First of all, as so many others, I find it hilarious that in the news reports, people refuse to say, “whore”. They say something like, “Brown called Whitman a word that rhymes with, snore.” I say to these “professionals” grow the fuck up.

The second thing and perhaps the most important thing about this “controversy” is this…

Since being called a whore by the Brown camp, has Whitman denied the allegation?

Hell, no!!

This needs further looking into because I think I have stumbled upon two things here…Meg Whitman is a WHORE, and I am fucking brilliant!!

That’s it for today, with the exception of a couple of notes.

Thursday I will be doing another installment of He Said…She Said with Schmoop. If it’s like last Thursday’s episode, you’ll want be sure to read it and chime in. Fun stuff!!

Also, if you’d like to be this Friday’s I’m With Stupid Hot, Smart Babe of the Week, e-mail Jayman or I with your photo along with what makes you smart, and we'll put your picture up on the IWS website come Friday.

Please though…no completely nude shots (breasts included). I was scolded by our Executive Producer for putting one up last Saturday.

That's it...and now, I must spend Wednesday healing up and show prepping. It’s a good thing that I have plenty of Rose, smokes, and beer on hand.

Happy Hump Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

I Like Mascots And Donuts, But Gloria Allred Is A Khunt

I usually reserve my more hodgepodgical posts for Hump Day as I am a fan of alliteration but I shall break tradition and parlay some various thoughts and bon mots upon you today instead.

I guess we shall consider today, Mélange Monday. Mmmkay?

Some of you may know that my son Ryno plays on his High School Junior Varsity Basketball team.

He is one of the two starting forwards and will end up as their leading rebounder this year when the season comes to an end after tonight‘s game.

However…Ryno pulled double duty during this year’s season.

During home games this year, after Ryan was finished toiling and sweating on the court with his JV teammates he would don his school’s lion mascot suit and perform as the mascot for the varsity games.

Damn right…Ryan the Lion. He digs it. And why is that? He explains as follows…

“Dad, when you’re wearing the mascot suit, you can get away with almost anything. Especially with the chicks.”

Here’s to Ryno…He is definitely his father’s son, although his ego may even be bigger than mine. It’s a toss-up at this point.

Schmoop went to the grocery this past Thursday. She was very kind and bought things I could eat without breaking my Lenten promise to eat no bread. She even knew that, oddly, I have had a sweet tooth of late.

So, what did she buy for me to feed this rare occurrence? Donuts!! Donuts, folks!! Hello…Deep fried what? That’s right…Deep Fried Bread!! Jeebus, Mary, and Joseph, people.

She says that it was an assident. Uh-Huh…She’s the fucking devil trying to tempt me. If she didn’t have such nice tits, and an impeccable hoo-ha, I’d exorcise her right out of my life.

But it’s okay…I have a defense.

I have set up the cabinet in which the donuts sit in a way that will prevent me from eating them…

Damn right, Bitches…Dashboard Jeebus will guard against me slacking from my commitment.

Oh I just had an extemporaneous thought…Is there a bigger fricking whore in world than Gloria Allred? I don’t fucking think so. God, she’s a khunt.

I am not a big celebrant of Birthdays but today is one very special Birthday…um…day. A great American who is responsible in great part for who we United Staters are today.

No, not George Washington. Washington was gay. Hell, George and Bend-a-Dick Arnold use to go down on each other behind the stables before Arnold cheated on him with Major Andre and was deemed a traitor.

No folks…I am talking about one Scott Oglesby who authors the very funny, Zodi’s Blog. Ol’ Scotty turns 37 today.

Scott no longer lives in the States; he lives in Spain. But I won’t hold that against him. I just figure he wanted to move to a country where it was socially acceptable to bathe in olive oil and take a nap six times a day.

Anyhoo…Happy Birthday to Scott. I even gave a present to Scott without his knowledge..

Last night, I had hot, sweaty, monkey sex with the Donut-Buying Devil that is Schmoop , and I had her call me “Scott” the entire time.

I hope you could feel it last night Scott. It’s the least I could do for you, and on top of that?

I figure now since I did that for you, the next time I have sex with Schmoop she’ll let me call her, "Tyra."

Cheers!!

Hump Day Hodgepodge: Thanks, Oops, And Halloween

It’s another Hodgepodgical Hump Day here at Bagwine Ruminations.

First up…I want to thank of all of you who left a comment, sent an e-mail, or even did an entire post (Jay-Man!!) in order to offer advice to my son and address his lack of effort in his first year of High School.

I printed your pearls of wisdom and personal stories off and put them into a nice, book type portfolio which was graciously stolen supplied by Schmoop.

The book looks very nice and the contents of each page are what make it an instant classic.

I gave the book to Ryan’s mom Tuesday morning so she could read it at work prior to handing it off to Ryan.

She gave it to him after work yesterday. He read each and every one your offerings, and in the words of his mom, “He was very touched.”

He was puzzled as to why people who do not know him would take the time to do such a thing, but his puzzlement became secondary.

Ryno’s mom, said that while he was reading it, he would periodically laugh, mostly looked thoughtful, and a couple of times his big brown eyes welled up. He likes it…a lot.

I was working so I didn’t get to talk to him very long, but he is already asking me about each of you.

I don’t know how effective your efforts will be upon him, but I do know he digs the thought, and Saturday we’ll talk more about what was written and I’ll let him know what a bunch of perverted psychopaths you all are.

I thank you all for helping me to reach through his thick head and wake that boy up. You’re all top notch.

I screwed up at work yesterday…

It was my first major one in the nearly 18 months since I’ve been working in the Beer Mine. A customer drove in and wanted a 12 pack of Non-Alcoholic beer. This person asked me what kind we had, and I said, “Old Milwaukee N/A.”

Well, the patron took said 12 pack from me, paid, and drove off. A few minutes later, I went to re-stock the Old Milk N/A, when I discovered something odd. There wasn’t one missing. Are ya seeing what happened?

I gave said customer REAL Old Milwaukee not the N/A version. Holy Cow…I may have messed this person up, because it was never returned.

I feel like I’m in the episode of Seinfeld when Jerry sat a drink down near Elaine’s alcoholic boyfriend at a Christmas party, the guy accidentally drank it, and fell off the wagon. Damn, I feel badly about it.

Speaking of work…Halloween Weekend? I am working ALL FUCKING WEEKEND!! Damn straight bitches. I’m closing Friday the 30th. Working 11A-9P on the 31st, and all day the following Sunday.

Boy I tell ya…When Mikey, Little Bill, and Pizza Bill screw someone they leave no doubt that they were there. Lousy Bastards!!

It does have its upside…There should be some scantily clad Halloween chicks coming through that night. I’ll make sure to take pictures.

I think I may dress up as well. I was thinking as going as a Priest. I need to be able to move around to do my job, so that might work pretty well.

I would like to dress up as Jeebus Christ but I worry about that.

What if towards the end of the night some already drunked up customer comes through and sees Jesus waiting on him or her, and freaks out?

That probably wouldn’t be good…Although it would be pretty God Damn funny. Let me re-think that idea.

Happy Hump Day, All!!

Cheers!!

Qaddafi, Brothers, and Fantasy Football

I have a bit of Hump Day Hodgepodge for you all today. Shall we begin? Great…

If you read Bagwine Ruminations yesterday you are aware that I talked about the residents of Englewood, New Jersey being none too pleased that Muammar Qaddafi may hold a soiree on the Libyan estate located there next month when he comes to address the United Nations.

Karen of, Smiling Through It All, suggested in her comment to me that since she lives near Englewood, she could tell Qaddafi through Mayor Wildes that he is welcome at The House of Bagwine and that he should pay me a visit.

I thought about her comment for a second, and then said to myself:

“Damn right he’s welcome here. I’d dig the chance to meet him and his cadre of sexy, female bodyguards.”

So ladies and gentlemen…I fired off an e-mail to the Libyan Mission office at the UN. What follows is a copy of said e-mail:

Dear Diplomatic Corps of Libya,

I have read that your Leader Muammar Qaddafi will be in the U.S.A. next month to address the U.N. General Assembly.

I have also read that many people in the State of New Jersey are complaining that he may want to entertain guests at the property that the Libyan Government owns in Englewood, N. J.

I am offering you the opportunity to visit my apartment in Ohio. If you want to see how a typical American couple lives, you are more than welcome to stop by our place and stay awhile. I'll even cook for you and your bodyguards. Purrrrrr.

I have even dedicated my daily article to the ghastly non-welcome you are receiving from the residents of New Jersey. Here's the link:

http://bagwine.blogspot.com/2009/08/muammar-qaddafi-muammar-gaddafihowever.html

If you are interested in familiarizing yourselves with "typical" Americans and being welcome at the same time, please let me know, and we'll set something up. It would be an honor and a pleasure.

I hope that you and your folks are enjoying your Ramadan season, and please let me know if we can make this visit happen.

Sincerely,

Matt-Man
Springfield, Ohio
xxx.xxx.xxxx (phone number)
www.bagwine.blogspot.com

I haven’t heard back from them yet, but I hope to soon. Thanks for the idea Karen. I’ll get you an autographed picture of Muammar should he take me up on my invitation.

If you’d like to help me in my quest to bring Qaddafi to my home, you can e-mail the UN Mission of Libya at the following address: libya@un.int

Tell them Matt-Man is a helluva guy and a great host. Thank You.

Next item…I just found out a couple of days ago that over the last few months, that the Chicago Sun-Times has published 11 of my posts on their website. Cool, no?

The most recent one was my Palin Picnic post. Here is the link to it as it appears on the Sun-Times website: CLICK HERE

As a demonstration of how sarcasm and sardonic wit runs in the family let me share something with you. I sent an e-mail to one of my brothers telling him about my posts appearing on the Chicago Sun-Times website.

This particular brother is a journalist by trade and had been an editor and reporter for a major newspaper for years. I thought he’d appreciate knowing this fact. His response in typical family fashion was the following:

This sez something about the state of today’s newspapers: Resorting to Bagwine to pump up circulation. But who knows? It may be the answer to the industry’s ills.

Ha…Our family is so warm, so caring, so god damn funny. His response made my day; thanks bro.

It’s almost football season folks and you know what that means? The Jay-Man has created a Fantasy Football League again this year.

I played for the first time last year and it was fun because Jay makes it easy to play.

Well, our draft is coming up Thursday so I am going to be spending today and tonight after work ranking players so I can try to draft who I want.

Last year my team did pretty well.

They had a good name too. They were called the Bagwine Boners.

This year? Based on a suggestion from my son Ryan, this year’s team has a new, more fearsome moniker. What is it, you ask?

The Jonas Brothers!! Go Team; Fight Team; Winnnnnnnn Team!!

Speaking of Ryno…He is now officially a High School Freshman. He began school yesterday, and of course, before I took him to school I had to have him pose for a picture…

I guess he hasn’t discovered what a blow dryer is yet. Good Luck to Him, and to all of you…

Have a wonderful Hump Day.

Cheers!!

Hodgepodge and Health Care Protestors

I’m feeling nervous…not necessarily a bad, doom-ridden nervous, but rather more of an anxious feeling.

That sensation is preventing me from focusing on any one thing, so…

Today’s treatise is a bit of hodgepodge…an olio…a potpourri, a veritable vichyssoise of somewhat random thoughts.

This day in 1945 was not only the day the first A-Bomb was dropped but also the day that my mom and dad were married.

If they were still with us, they would be celebrating their 64th Wedding Anniversary today. But alas, they are celebrating this day in Heaven.

My mom is undoubtedly playing cards with her friends...Picture a dozen blue haired ladies engaged in a vicious card game to see who will walk away with the grand prize of a $3.50 pine scented candle bought at the check out line of the grocery store.

My dad? He is laying on a long, heavenly couch watching re-runs of Mr. Ed, Hogan’s Heroes, or The Andy Griffith Show.

And in heaven, my dad is happy because they don’t show the Andy Griffith episodes in which the main story revolves around Opie or Aunt Bee. Oh, how he loathed those particular episodes.

I have no idea why, but the following things turn me on when worn by a woman:

A pony tail, especially when it sticks out of the back of a baseball cap. Thumb rings, no idea why. Ankle bracelets. Schmoop has one.

It’s quite plain, but seeing her wearing it, makes me hot. Glasses…A chick in glasses makes me weak in the knees. Schmoop should wear hers more.

A lady came through the Beer Mine last night. She was kinda cute but it was the perfume she was wearing that caught my attention. I wanted to ask her what it was so I could get some for Schmoop.

I didn’t ask her because I figured she would think that I was coming on to her and/or was some kind of creep. I think it’s sad that I had to even consider that scenario, but society has made people uptight.

See that picture of me?

On my forehead is a check that I just received from a company for embedding a link to their company within my June 10th post about the guy in Ohio who was arrested for parading around in a woman’s swimsuit.

It’s not a big check, but I thought it was cool.

They sought me out because they liked my writing. It was out of the blue and I initiated nothing. I can dig that. 10-20 of those a month and Schmoop and I would be quite happy.

I’m hanging out with Ryno this morning. We may drive some golf balls, hit the batting cages, or fish.

Whatever we do, I’ll have to feed the boy, and I may spring for Taco Bell for Schmoop and I tonight. Man, that aforementioned check went quickly.

Lastly…

A word from me to all of the Town Hall Meeting Health Care protestors. Quit being loud-mouthed assholes. You come off as senseless morons.

If you want to debate government health care, learn what proposals are out there and debate them on the merits.

Or, if you want to protest with the volume turned up, could you be funny about it? I like creative humor. I’m a propagandist for gods sakes, and like the protestors I have seen, not a policy wonk.

In fact, when government types are discussing health care or environmental policies and proposals, my eyes glaze over and I begin to drool white spittle from the corners of my mouth. You know, like Larry King does every night.

I beg of all of you Anti-Government Health Care Town Hall Meeting Maniacs, either be smart or be funny…but please, take your dunce cap off, quit shouting and start showing a modicum of respect for others, and by all means…

Since many of you wacky protestors I have seen appear to be getting along in age, make sure to write your representative and tell him/her you no longer want to receive Medicare, VA care, or the electro-shock therapy you so desperately need.

Cheers!!

Get Ready to Party America!!

The month of June is drawing to an end, and with it, so is our painting…finally.

I just want to post one more hodgepodgical entry before I finish up the paint job and get back to writing some serious funny business on the internets.

I posted a couple of pictures of Ryno and I yesterday. I have one more to throw out there for your enjoyment…


Have you ever seen a son look upon his dad more lovingly, adoring, and bemused as you see Ryno looking upon moi?

Of course not. Why is he so captured with me on a summer Sunday evening?

Well, because seconds before his mom took this picture I said the following…

“Hey Ryno, I bet that instead of using a backhoe to dig the grave of Billy Mays, the groundskeepers will use the Awesome Auger!!”

Ha. Like minds…Like senses of humor. I dig that.

Anyhoo. I must get to painting again. Tomorrow I will begin a four day celebration of our Nation’s 233rd Birthday.

Over the next few days, I will offer up some lesser known facts about our country’s history.

For instance…In 1748, Patrick Henry was only 12 years old when he uttered a phrase that foreshadowed something similar he would eloquently bellow some 27 years later.

At the time Henry was slight, had a high pitched voice, and unlike his young friends at the time, had not developed any male sex characteristics.

His friends teased him mercilessly about this.

One day, after a particularly severe razzing from his colonial buddies, young Patrick stretched his arms toward the heavens, and through tear filled eyes screamed in his girly voice:

“Give me puberty, or give me death!!”

I may also touch upon how the American Revolution truly ended.

The successful conclusion to the war came when General George Patton defeated Che Guevara at the Battle of Hastings forcing the Persian army to surrender.

Upon Guevara’s surrender to Patton’s forces, Frederick the Great was compelled to recognize our nation’s independence from the government of Madagascar by signing the Treaty of Honolulu.

Signing on behalf of the fledgling United States of America was of course our founding father, William McKinley.

Sadly, McKinley would be assassinated some 120 years later by Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme.

So there you have it, Bagwine Heads. Beginning tomorrow it’s Birthday Celebration Time, and we’re going to light a candle for America the rest of the week.

Enjoy your Tuesday, all.

Cheers!!

Hodgepodge Stew

I have several irons in the fire as I type this…none of which, of course, are near completion.

So because of that, and as well as a top secret mission I am working on today, I will just throw out some stuff and call today’s entry:

Hodgepodgical (Yes, it is a word. I invented it last year) Wednesday.

I am off until Saturday at 4 P.M. You know what that means. Uh-huh, that’s right…Not a whole helluva lot.

I was going to take down the Christmas tree, but we’re leaving it up year ‘round. We’ll decorate it accordingly to whichever holiday is approaching.

Hearts and baby pictures of me next month…Shamrocks in March…and perhaps in April as Easter nears, dozens of Cross danglin’ Jeebuses.

I have no idea how we’ll decorate it for Arbor Day. Maybe I’ll bring in a load of dirt and place it around its base.

Ann Coulter has a new book out. It’s called, Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America…

I have so many names for her. Annthrax Coulter…Annorexic Coulter…

Ann “The Fuckin’ Bitch Who Needs the High Hard One From Any Guy Who Could Have Sex With Her Without Throwing Up” Coulter.

Skeletor Girl can sell the books though…all that money and still a hypocritical asshole. Oh well.

I got another email from my blog critic Nicole.

I may have a few things to say about her sometime soon. She’s a real bitch pistol. But, I do love the back and forth so.

Ryno had another game Tuesday night. They won, and improved to 2-2. The Little Man had 5 points, 10 rebounds, 6 assists, 2 steals, and 2 blocks.

Oddly enough, my boy has turned into a feared rebounder and defender. Although he’s not huge, his coach always matches him up against the other teams’ big guys.

I guess he ticked off a couple of the opponent’s big guys last night. This is what Ryno told me…

"Dad, they were so mad because I play defense like you and I do when we play each other.

I bump as much as I can without fouling, as I tell them to bring it, and make crazy faces at them. They got mad tonight."

Knowing how my son can embellish, I asked his Mom for confirmation. She replied…

"Matt, he was in their face. I could see him laughing and talking to them while they were dribbling...

and then he started making that weird face that you and him think is so funny...

The one that you made the picture of."

Ha. Better Basketball through, Inside Yo Head Comedy.

The boy is brilliant!! If only he would put that much thought into his school work. But, I am incredibly proud nonetheless.

I guess I’ll end on that note. Hopefully, I’ll have something funnier and more substantial for you tomorrow.

Oh one last thing. I just realized something...

Only 49 Days until another 46 days of a meatless Lent begins for Matt-Man. God, I love the creativity that time instills in me.

Cheers!!