The Last Supper: Eat, Drink, and Make Mary!!

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse, so let's chow down...

J-Man and His Gang of Twelve all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who had a foot fetish, washed their feet.

Why the feets washing, you ask?

Allow me to 'splain...

J-Man was known among the group not as Lord. Not as Teacher. Not as Master...

Jeebus was referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess they were thinking that twelve apostles make a foot, and he was the leader, or something.

And as the Big Toe and a quasi-person who had a fear of toe jam, Jesus liked to scour the figurative feet of redemption.

Anyhoo..

They all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus was not weeping because he knew that he was going to die tomorrow; he was weeping because he knew that he had just received his last blow job.

As I explained yesterday, Judas had already identified to the Romans which guy was Christ by slipping him some tongue.

Jeebus stood in the garden, dried his tears, turned his frown upside down, looked at Judas, and said…

“Judas? It was you who kissed me, and here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry...as angry as angry could be, and, it was Matthew who cried out to God announcing the travesty that they were witnessing by screaming:

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of un-fucking-leavened bread? Somebody trumpet out for pizza, god dammit, I'm fucking starving!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied, puffing on a cigarette, and accepting the fact that she would be unfairly and untruthfully demonized for centuries.

And there you have it folks…

The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

And tomorrow...I shall accurately and truthfully describe his madcap march to the cross.

Until then, and as always...

Cheers!!

Lent: Give Us Not Our Daily Bread

This is it folks…It’s Mardi Gras…Fat Tuesday…the last day of joy until Jeebus is resurrected on Easter morn. Lent begins tomorrow, Ash Wednesday.

And this year during Lent, instead of giving up meat for 46 days, I am giving up bread, and bread related food. For 46 long, long days…

No bread, no pasta, no mac n cheese, no bun for my burger, nothing. It’s as if I am being crucified, but instead of brutish Dagos and uptight Heebs hanging me upon the cross, I am doing it to myself. Mea Culpa.

Ironic, this entire thing…In fact, I was discussing it with Jeebus Monday night when he stopped by to wish me luck and toss back a gallon of Manischewitz (God, I hate kosher Bagwine) with me.

I said to JC:

“It’s as though our journeys are mirror images of the other’s.

My Last Supper is Tuesday and my culinary crucifixion on Wednesday start at the beginning of Lent whereas your Last Supper and crucifixion take place at the end of Lent. Pretty Wild, no?”

Jeebus laughed, and said:

“Ha. I guess that makes you the Anti-Christ, Matt-Man. Bada Bing. I’ll be here all week ladies, and gentlemen. Make sure to try the veal and tip your waitress. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Damn…I’m funny, Bitch!!”

After saying, “Good luck with your breadless shit, Matt-Man.”…He patted me on the back, threw up on the cat, apologized, and left. He’s cool like that.

Anyhoo…

Today, Tuesday February 16, 2010 is the last day that I shall consume any bread until Easter Morning April 4th.

However there is a caveat. I weigh 174 pounds now. I told my BFF/OSP Schmoop, that if before Easter I hit 165, I shall once again eat bread as I do not want look to like a centerfold for Men of Auschwitz Quarterly.

But, there is some manna for me prior to this maelstrom of bread deprivation.

Thanks to my buddy Rat, as soon as I get off work tonight at seven, I am headed straight to McDonald's and purchasing fifteen dollars worth of bread wrapped grease for my Last Supper.

Quarter Pounders w/ Cheese, Filet O’ Fucking Fish, and of course…Big Macs. Oh how I love that middle section of the Big Mac bun that has grease, sauce, and a goodly and Godly dose of heaven on it.

I have no doubt that consuming these items will give me the first hard-on that I’ve had in a long time that occurs without me fondling myself. Praise Jeebus and pass the special sauce, my friends.

Enjoy your Mardi Gras…Mine will be spent consuming calories for Christ. And with that…I must reflect, gather strength for my breadless journey, and read my Bible.

I think I’ll begin with Genesis 19: 30-38. Damn, that always makes me hot.

Cheers!!

I Am The Light and the Toe

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse.

They all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who has a foot fetish, washed their feet. In fact…

J-Man’s nickname among the group was not Lord. It wasn’t Teacher. It wasn’t Master...

Jeebus preferred to be referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess he was thinking twelve apostles make a foot and he was the leader.

Anyway, they all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus knew that he was going to die tomorrow, and that he had just received his last blow job.

Just then, Judas came out and kissed Jeebus in an act of betrayal, signaling him to be the Messiah to the Roman soldiers.

Jeebus dried his tears, looked at Judas and said…

“And here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry. As angry as angry as could be. And, it was Matthew who cried out to God…

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of frickin’ bread? Someone call out for pizza, dammit!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied and puffing on a cigarette.

And there you have it folks…The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Jeebus is being held by the authorities and I have begun my 72 hour fast. None of this can be good for anyone.

But to improve the mood a bit...Here is me singing Nazarean Dandy in an updated form. I hope you enjoy it.

Cheers!!