Lent: Give Us Not Our Daily Bread

This is it folks…It’s Mardi Gras…Fat Tuesday…the last day of joy until Jeebus is resurrected on Easter morn. Lent begins tomorrow, Ash Wednesday.

And this year during Lent, instead of giving up meat for 46 days, I am giving up bread, and bread related food. For 46 long, long days…

No bread, no pasta, no mac n cheese, no bun for my burger, nothing. It’s as if I am being crucified, but instead of brutish Dagos and uptight Heebs hanging me upon the cross, I am doing it to myself. Mea Culpa.

Ironic, this entire thing…In fact, I was discussing it with Jeebus Monday night when he stopped by to wish me luck and toss back a gallon of Manischewitz (God, I hate kosher Bagwine) with me.

I said to JC:

“It’s as though our journeys are mirror images of the other’s.

My Last Supper is Tuesday and my culinary crucifixion on Wednesday start at the beginning of Lent whereas your Last Supper and crucifixion take place at the end of Lent. Pretty Wild, no?”

Jeebus laughed, and said:

“Ha. I guess that makes you the Anti-Christ, Matt-Man. Bada Bing. I’ll be here all week ladies, and gentlemen. Make sure to try the veal and tip your waitress. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Damn…I’m funny, Bitch!!”

After saying, “Good luck with your breadless shit, Matt-Man.”…He patted me on the back, threw up on the cat, apologized, and left. He’s cool like that.

Anyhoo…

Today, Tuesday February 16, 2010 is the last day that I shall consume any bread until Easter Morning April 4th.

However there is a caveat. I weigh 174 pounds now. I told my BFF/OSP Schmoop, that if before Easter I hit 165, I shall once again eat bread as I do not want look to like a centerfold for Men of Auschwitz Quarterly.

But, there is some manna for me prior to this maelstrom of bread deprivation.

Thanks to my buddy Rat, as soon as I get off work tonight at seven, I am headed straight to McDonald's and purchasing fifteen dollars worth of bread wrapped grease for my Last Supper.

Quarter Pounders w/ Cheese, Filet O’ Fucking Fish, and of course…Big Macs. Oh how I love that middle section of the Big Mac bun that has grease, sauce, and a goodly and Godly dose of heaven on it.

I have no doubt that consuming these items will give me the first hard-on that I’ve had in a long time that occurs without me fondling myself. Praise Jeebus and pass the special sauce, my friends.

Enjoy your Mardi Gras…Mine will be spent consuming calories for Christ. And with that…I must reflect, gather strength for my breadless journey, and read my Bible.

I think I’ll begin with Genesis 19: 30-38. Damn, that always makes me hot.

Cheers!!

Ash Wednesday: Giving My Colon To Christ

A new day has dawned.

Past are days full of cheeseburgers, sausage, and…bacon. Of veal, ham, and the glorious goodness that are all things Taco Bell.

We have entered the solemn season of Lent and with it I enter the 46 day hike along my culinary Road to Damascus…each lonely mile marked by a meal of beans, salad, soup…and more beans.

But ye though I walk through the shadow of the Valley of Meatlessness, I shall fear no commercial for Donato’s Serious Meat Pizza.

For I am one with God, and in making my sui generis journey for Jeebus, I shall find my joie de vive.

I have helpers…

For I will drink mightily of Ice Mountain Water and Vitamin Water (on sale now at Drive-By Mikey’s for $1.70).

But Matt-Man cannot live on water alone, and to this end I will call upon my two best friends…




With my thirst quenched, my hunger will be abated by a soup-a-copia, beans-a-plenty, and the occasional fish.

Not just any type of fish mind you. Oh sure, some people like salmon. Some like orange roughy. And others, indulge in pike or catfish.

Not I…I am partial to the succulent and piquant goodness of minced fish…



The magical minced fish is a breed unto its own. As is the taste.

More than a few scoff and say to me, “But fish is meat; you’re cheating.” I say unto these cretins in a thoughtful and ecumenical tone…

Blow Me.

If it’ll make these folks feel better, I’ll just state that during Lent, I will refrain from eating any animal that had or has legs.

Well…except for Schmoop. I’ll still eat her. I gots to have my Schmoop.

And speaking of Schmoop…When I arrived home from work Tuesday night while she was fast asleep, I opened up our fridge.

She had left a little present for me inside of it. It was this…

That’s right. Three Burrito Supremes and two Taco Supremes from the Bell del la Taco. Yo Quiero, Jeebus Christ!!

I guess she bought my Last Supper, as it were.

Anyhoo, thus it begins. For all of you trying something similar, be you Catholic, Protestant, or a spiritual vagabond such as myself…

I wish you good luck on your experience. As for me?

I think my reward is already paying off.

For Wednesday morning, after applying some of Joan of Arc’s ashes (which I bought on eBay) upon my forehead, I was bathed in a wash of glory.

Looking toward Heaven, I came face to face with The Almighty, and he said unto me…

Matt-Man my son, I art with thou. But one thing...Dude, Fish Sticks blow.

Here’s to the next 46 days (or 40 days for you pussies who take Sundays off).

Cheers!!

It's Mardi Gras...Let's Get Wet!!

Today is Fat Tuesday…

The culmination of Mardi Gras activities through out the world.

It’s time to party up prior to the solemnity of the Lenten season setting in tomorrow.

Pass me a beer, cook me some meat, and show me your tits. This is my last chance to live it up until Easter.

It’s gonna be rockin’ down N’awlins way today. Hot drunken babes will be flashing their boobies in order to collect necklaces comprised of worthless beads.

God, I Love America!!

I am all set for Mardi Gras, or as we call it here in Bagwine, Matty Gras…

As you can see…I have my party shirt on. A beer in my hand…and beads to give away to any buxom chick who’d like to flash her fun bags at me.

In fact, I may take the beads with me to work today, and offer them to sexy female customers in exchange for a mammary flash.

If even one hot patron takes me up on my offer, my face will probably look something like this…




Of course as the carousing on Tuesday ends, Lent begins with Ash Wednesday. And thusly, my 46 days of Meatlessness for the Messiah will confront me.

Come Wednesday, with the ashen mark of Jeebus upon my forehead, my face will undoubtedly look something like this…

It will be rough come Wednesday, but in the meantime, let’s party it up today bitches.

In fact, Monday afternoon at work, the owner, Drive-By Mikey and I had a little bit of Pre-Mardi Gras fun.

You see…Even at the relatively young age of 42, Mikey owns a successful Drive-Thru business as well as a successful agri-business.

The reason? Because he is always thinking.

Yesterday, while in deep thought, he discovered that rubbing a case of bottled water with his feet makes a sound similar to the sound made during hot sex.

We videotaped it…

Yeah Baby!! Mikey and his H2-Ho.

Who says you can’t have fun at work and still do a good job?

Have a wonderful Mardi Gras all, and to my co-worker Pizza Bill…

You have GOT to leave a comment on this post.

Cheers!!

Mundane Monday

Mondays are always blah, but wow, this Monday has nothing.

It’s the last Monday of the butt ass crack dismal month of February.

Cold, gray, and as exciting and captivating as listening to an audio tape recording of the Bible being read by Stephen Hawking.

Although, I guess that would be kinda funny.

I mean, can you imagine listening to the story of Lot having sex with his daughters as told through the tone and quality of a McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker?

Ha. I may need to revisit that, but that’s not my point. My point is…Monday February 23rd is like a non-day.

If I could put time in a bottle, this day would be the backwash.

But rejoice my friends…all is not lost. Tomorrow will usher in better times, more excitement, and move us 24 hours closer to the weekend.

And…

Tomorrow is Mardi Gras!! Better known in Bagwine, as Matty Gras or Mat Tuesday. Boo Yah, bitches; we’ll be celebrating it right here.

E-mail me a picture of your boobs today or tomorrow and by golly I’ll e-mail you a picture of some beads for your effort. Ya can’t top that deal.

Of course Wednesday is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. For me as you know, it means not eating meat for 46 days, but that’s not all…

Jay, the Cynical Bastard himself, has entered the Sweepstakes of Salvation.

The man is giving up all forms of junk food for Lent.

Is that big or what? Damn right it is. He’s eschewing cakes, cookies, chips, pizza etc. until Jeebus arises in April.

After our sacrifice is complete, Jay and I will be securely held within the bosom of the Lord.

I think three things when I envision that menage a trois of Messianic matriculation…

Sweet, ironic, and pretty damn creepy.

And to get you through this most mundane Monday of the year, I leave you with that vision.

A vision of me, Jay, and Jeebus sitting in a land of milk and honey eating cheeseburgers, tossing back burritos, and drinking heavily.

And of course, we’ll all be naked and taking turns going down on Mary Magdalene.

Here’s to the end of Monday.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Super Happy Fun Week

It’s a beautiful Sunday here in Bagwine, Ohio. Somewhat cloudy, but a high of 41, not bad at all for the first weekend of February.

Today marks the start of a “Super Week”.

Today we have Super Bowl Sunday. Two days from now, it will be Super Tuesday.

And then follows, Super Ash Wednesday, followed Thursday by, the Super 43rd Annual Matt-Man Creation Celebration.

Friday we will party down during the Super 39th Annual Starrlight Slide Down the Birth Canal Party.

Wowzy wow wow!! Insert the word “Happy” prior to all of those “Supers” and I’d swear that I was living in Tokyo… “Super Happy Fun Week” to us all, and Konichiwa, Bitches!!

I just can’t get into the Super Bowl this year. I’m not a big fan of either the Giants or the Patriots. I’m even less of a fan of listening to 8 mind numbing hours of pre-game analysis.

Analysis, that almost always contains such gems as the following:

The Giants must try to put pressure on Tom Brady…Hmmmm, don’t most defenses try to put pressure on the Quarterback, any Quarterback?

The running game may be the key. If they can run on their defense, that will help…Really? I thought maybe the offenses were hoping to lose yardage on every running play. Silly Matt-Man.

They must be careful with the ball. You don’t want to fumble it away or throw an interception…That is a fucking brilliant observation Mr. Analyst…I didn’t realize that!!

This game could come down to a field goal…You’re kidding!!? That can happen in a football game? You my MIT graduate, are gifted indeed.

My wonderful Bagwine readers, there are only two things that you need to know about the game. The team that scores the most points will win.

And more importantly, you can’t spell “analyst” without “anal”…

Now please, let us bow our heads.

Father, give peace unto us all and strike down Terry Bradshaw with a severe case of laryngitis.

Lord, create a Halftime Show wardrobe malfunction allowing the old, shriveled up Rock ‘n’ Roll wanker of Tom Petty to be visible to the entire viewing audience. Disgusting yes, but quite a hoot nonetheless.

Your Holy Dudeness, smile down upon me today, and help me to put my pigskin into the End Zone. I really need to score.

To all of our petitions, Lord Hear our Prayer.

Amen, and Amen.

With that done, it is time for our Sunday Serenade. Today’s Disservice music comes to us in the form of the great Man in Black singing the incredible lyrics of Kris Kristofferson. Enjoy.

Cheers!!




NOTE: If the Super Bowl turns out to be less than Super, tune into Turnbaby’s BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at 8 EST. For details, click HERE.