The Last Supper: Eat, Drink, and Make Mary!!

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse, so let's chow down...

J-Man and His Gang of Twelve all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who had a foot fetish, washed their feet.

Why the feets washing, you ask?

Allow me to 'splain...

J-Man was known among the group not as Lord. Not as Teacher. Not as Master...

Jeebus was referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess they were thinking that twelve apostles make a foot, and he was the leader, or something.

And as the Big Toe and a quasi-person who had a fear of toe jam, Jesus liked to scour the figurative feet of redemption.

Anyhoo..

They all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus was not weeping because he knew that he was going to die tomorrow; he was weeping because he knew that he had just received his last blow job.

As I explained yesterday, Judas had already identified to the Romans which guy was Christ by slipping him some tongue.

Jeebus stood in the garden, dried his tears, turned his frown upside down, looked at Judas, and said…

“Judas? It was you who kissed me, and here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry...as angry as angry could be, and, it was Matthew who cried out to God announcing the travesty that they were witnessing by screaming:

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of un-fucking-leavened bread? Somebody trumpet out for pizza, god dammit, I'm fucking starving!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied, puffing on a cigarette, and accepting the fact that she would be unfairly and untruthfully demonized for centuries.

And there you have it folks…

The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

And tomorrow...I shall accurately and truthfully describe his madcap march to the cross.

Until then, and as always...

Cheers!!

Mardi Gras? Screw That, It's Matty-Gras!!

Well here we are. And exactly where are we Matt-Man, you may ask?

In less than 24 hours, I am giving up smoking; for today is Mardi Gras and tomorrow Lent shall begin.

In the past, in spite of my loathing of organized religion in general and the Catholic Church in particular, I have always made a sacrifice during Lent.

In the past, I have given up meat, and last year I gave up pasta and bread, but this year will be a monumental challenge as I am giving up something I have made oral love to for some 30 years.

No, not Schmoop, you idiots…I haven’t known her THAT long.

I’m talking cigarettes.

At midnight Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning my addiction and love for nicotine, carbon monoxide, arsenic, and my fave, tar, shall come to an end. However…

Between now and then I am going to smoke 8,000 cigarettes and I don’t give a fuck what kind they are, but I digress…

I’d like to say that I am doing this for myself, my son, and my future, but I am not.

I am going smokeless for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You see…

Centuries ago, Jeebus was put into bondage and bore a terminal cross at the hands of Pontius Pilate…Me?

I am in bondage and bear a deathly cross cast upon me by a guy named Phillip Morris. However…

I shall purge myself of this evil man’s grip on me and in the end, exalt the power and beauty of Christ. I’m fucking cool like that.

Now I did pray that Mary Magdalene would descend naked from the sky and help to distract me from the smoking thing, but I have something better, and perhaps a bit of alternate Divine Intervention on my side…

For just as Mardi Gras ends and the somber season of Lent begins, the parting and flooding of Schmoop’s Red Sea has abated and she is now dry.

While Jeebus wouldn’t cough up the lap of luxury that is Mary Magdalene in order to alleviate my oral fixation, he has given me back the Schmoop.

I appreciate that, and I shall, instead of smoking, feast on Schmoop’s God given Land of Milk and Honey until Easter.

So, at least this year as I am having sex instead of smoking today, this day, and in fact all 46 days of Lent shall not be known as Mardi Gras, but rather Matty Gras.

And let me tell ya…

Schmoop is gonna get at least one set of beads every damn day, because man, if my mouth ain’t smokin’ a cigarette, it’s gonna be smokin’ something.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Christ Is Risen!! Pass Me Another Slice of Pizza and Wash It Up, Schmoop!!

Happy Resurrection Day, Bitches!!

Jeebus has moved away that big ass stone and is now walking around in search of Mary Magdalene so he can tell her he’s back and that he wants to toss her salad.

I am going to go see Ryno this morning for a little bit, and then I am headed back home in order to end my six week breadless sojourn and eat pizza.

And when I say that, I mean eat pizza…all…damn…day.

Schmoop and I have been having a craving for Pizza Hut, so we are getting a large pan crust Super Supreme, and a large thin crust Meat Lover’s.

Holy Cow!! My arteries are getting as tight as my dick is hard just thinking about it. Oh Baby!!

Schmoop’s brother may be over for an Easter Service beer, but other than that, we will just be hanging out and eating…alot.

I may post some pictures of the gastronomical orgy later today, but other than that, I just plan on feeding my bread need, becoming one with Jeebus, and perhaps getting some of this for dessert…

Oh yeah…Praise Jeebus!!

Happy Easter All, and may you enjoy the day.

Amen, and Amen.

Cheers!!

Holy Tuesday Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

As postal employee Newman once uttered:

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

On Mondays and Tuesdays, I now work from 10 A.M. til' 9 P.M., so I have little time to surf around, so I shall catch up with ya all sometime Wednesday...Unless my computer pukes, the color is off and it's making a very odd noise.

Cheers!!

Easter Ham

I haven’t talked much about the upcoming Easter holiday this year, but never fear; this coming Monday marks the beginning of…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Now those of you who have been drinking the Bagwine for awhile know how reflective, informational, and down right exciting SHHJW is on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations.

I thought today, in order to get us all in the Easter mood, I would visit a question that many people have.

Why do so many Christians, specifically American Christians, eat ham at Easter? It’s as though the religious holiday and the porcine flesh are synonymous with one and other.

I have already heard advertisements for grocery stores exclaiming, “It’s not too early to order and/or pick up your Easter Ham."

Many cultural, societal, and religious historians will tell you that as Easter celebrations began to spring up in America, that pork was plentiful.

Hogs were butchered in the late fall and were smoked and cured for preservation. Thus come spring time when Easter arrived, ham was readily available, thus beginning the tradition.

Others insist that the eating of ham at Easter, was a clever marketing ploy by 19th Century pork producers who had a pig glut on their hand.

My imagination research does show that in 1818, a German immigrant named Richard Von Kopf, noted in his diary that there was an abnormally high rate of pig fucking going on due to the nation’s slop supply being accidentally tainted with peyote.

Von Kopf referred to this phenomenon in his writing as “Sows Gone Wild.” Interesting, however…

Many folks were eating ham at Easter prior to the Great Swine Sex Outbreak of 1818. So what gives? To answer that, one must go back to the day that Jeebus was resurrected.

Shortly after the tomb was discovered open and Jeebus nowhere to be found, Jeebus appeared to Mary Magdalene.

After exchanging pillow talk and Jeebus asking Magdalene if she would show him her tits before he roamed around for a few days and then ascended into heaven, Mary whipped em’ out and said…

“You are risen my Lord. This makes you new a new religion unto thou self. We shall worship and praise you for all eternity. You kicked those dirty Heebs right in the baby makers by rising up on this first Sabbath after the first full moon after the vernal equinox.

We shall honor thou on this day every year until God’s Kingdom comes. We shall sing, pray, and above all, feast in your name.

In fact, in order to give those murdering Jew basatrds a big ol’ Fuck You, we shall gorge ourselves on the flesh of the pig.”

Jeebus nodded and laughed...He gave Mary a big wet kiss, licked each exposed breast, and began to his roamin'. But then, after a few steps, he turned around said unto her…

“Hey Mary, the ham does sounds great, but please, don’t put pineapple on it. That is so fucking gay.”

And that my friends is why we eat ham on Easter, and it also why that not only in my eyes, but in those of the Holy Baby Jeebus, putting pineapple on a perfectly cooked smoked ham is a Goddamn sin.

Cheers!!

I Am The Light and the Toe

It’s Holy Thursday!!

Yes indeed. Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues. And today?

It’s the Last Supper for Jeebus and his posse.

They all sat down to eat after Jeebus, who has a foot fetish, washed their feet. In fact…

J-Man’s nickname among the group was not Lord. It wasn’t Teacher. It wasn’t Master...

Jeebus preferred to be referred to as, “The Big Toe.”

Freaky, no? I guess he was thinking twelve apostles make a foot and he was the leader.

Anyway, they all sat down to eat. Jeebus passed around bread and wine and told them that it symbolized his body and blood, and they should eat him and drink him.

Thus, the celebration of the Eucharist was born.

Unbeknownst to the Apostles, Mary Magadalene was ‘neath the dinner table between J-Man’s legs, performing…um…a more literal celebration of the Eucharist.

After they ate, Jeebus went out into the Garden of Gethsemane and wept and prayed, and prayed and wept...

Jeebus knew that he was going to die tomorrow, and that he had just received his last blow job.

Just then, Judas came out and kissed Jeebus in an act of betrayal, signaling him to be the Messiah to the Roman soldiers.

Jeebus dried his tears, looked at Judas and said…

“And here all along, I thought it was John who made up the 8.3% of the gay Apostolic community. LOL.”

With that being done, Jeebus was arrested.

The twelve Apostles were angry. As angry as angry as could be. And, it was Matthew who cried out to God…

“Holy Crap!! Our last supper together was a piece of frickin’ bread? Someone call out for pizza, dammit!!”

His anger was echoed by John who lisped…

“Jeesthus, Mary, and Joesthuph…I shaved my legs for this!?”

Not a good ending to the night for anyone involved.

Well, except for Mary Magdalene who, sitting in the corner of the room, was well satisfied and puffing on a cigarette.

And there you have it folks…The events leading up to the death of the Holy Baby Jeebus.

Jeebus is being held by the authorities and I have begun my 72 hour fast. None of this can be good for anyone.

But to improve the mood a bit...Here is me singing Nazarean Dandy in an updated form. I hope you enjoy it.

Cheers!!

Holy Tuesday, Matt-Man!!

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ continues today. And today? It’s Holy Tuesday.

Holy Tuesday in the Roman Catholic Church gets the shaft.

It’s like the line uttered in an episode from Seinfeld by Newman rings true…

"Tuesday has no feel."

However, in the Eastern Orthodox Church, Holy Tuesday is set aside to perform a special service surrounding the Parable of the Ten Virgins.

The parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew 25:1-13.

It is a story spoken by Jeebus that talks about ten virgins, a bridegroom, lamp oil, and the importance of always being prepared for Judgment Day. For, we know not when it shall come.

In spite of Matthew’s uber-cool name, he got the story all wrong. I know what really went on with the Ten Virgins.

And c’mon…Are you going to believe Matt-Man or Matthew? I mean he was a tax collector after all.

Hell, the only thing he wrote into the Bible concerning this that was accurate, is that there were indeed several virgins involved and plenty of oil…

But let me tell ya, it wasn’t used for lamps.

In fact, Matthew should have fessed up about this incident because he was involved.

On the Tuesday night before his crucifixion, Jeebus and his posse had prayed themselves into a sexual frenzy.

Jeebus was ready for some hot Messiah on Magdalene action, but didn’t want his Apostles to feel left out. So…

Jeebus procured twelve virgins, one for each of the Apostles. John, being gay, didn’t participate and neither did Thomas, for he doubted that he would be able to get it up.

The two virgins left out of the Apostolic mix ran off to the Garden of Gethsemane and had hot lesbian sex. Later that summer, they took lyre lessons, went on tour, and originated Lilith Fair.

Anyhoo…Jeebus got the festivities started by saying, “Behold, we are all naked before God. Let this Come With Jesus Meeting Begin!!”

The boys all got their groove on with the virgins and the oil was flying everywhere.

It was madcap sexcapades of biblical proportions.

The boys were diggin’ the hot respite from all the hiking, miracle watching, and innocuous story telling they had endured while following Jeebus.

They were getting their reward on Earth. But, not without incident.

The virgins quickly found out who was James the Greater and who was James the Lesser. Peter denied that he was enjoying his blow job.

The virgin assigned to Judas was complaining that all he wanted to do was kiss.

And Matthew, the tax collector, kept begging his chick to let him pimp her out.

All in all however, it was a good time and it was best summed up by Bartholomew who said…

“Holy Shit…Tuesdays feel gooooooooooood!!”

Damn right they do, Bart.

Take that Newman…No Jeebus for You!!.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Palm Sunday 2009

It’s going to be a warm yet stormy Sunday here in Bagwine, and the rest of the week has much colder, crappy weather on tap for us.

But, that’s okay, because I will be awash in the sunlight of the Lord, for today marks the beginning of Holy Week, or as I call it…

Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week!!™

Today we celebrate Palm Sunday. For those of you who are either uninformed or misinformed as to what Palm Sunday is, let me ‘splain.

Jeebus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey the week before his death and resurrection so he could whoop it up one last time before getting nailed.

So after the Jeebus Day Parade, complete with Assyrian Clowns and Persian Shriners, Jeebus gathered his 12 Apostles together.

They ate a slew of Little Caesar’s Pizza and drank Mogen David wine by the gallon.

After becoming sated from the pizza and horny from the wine, they formed a circle.

In the middle of the circle sat a naked and oiled up Mary Magdalene who was doing unspeakable things with a shofar.

Jeebus and his Apostles began to masturbate to the point of climaxing simultaneously. And that my friends is why this day is known as Palm Sunday.

But…There’s more.

After their collective, ecumenical ejaculation, J-Man proclaimed the little known 11th Commandment by saying unto those gathered…

“Eatin Ain’t Cheatin’, Bitches!!”

Thusly, the Lord and his Holy Henchmen took turns givin’ Mary’s hoo-ha a tongue bath.

Mary was squirming around like an eel out of water with every lick and that is why Palm Sunday is also known as a movable feast.

Is this true, you ask? Of course it is, because I believe it.

Amen and Amen.

I’m off to work all day at the beer mine and then meeting up with Ryno afterwards, so I bid you adieu.

Enjoy your Sunday, all.

Cheers!!

Mundane Monday

Mondays are always blah, but wow, this Monday has nothing.

It’s the last Monday of the butt ass crack dismal month of February.

Cold, gray, and as exciting and captivating as listening to an audio tape recording of the Bible being read by Stephen Hawking.

Although, I guess that would be kinda funny.

I mean, can you imagine listening to the story of Lot having sex with his daughters as told through the tone and quality of a McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker?

Ha. I may need to revisit that, but that’s not my point. My point is…Monday February 23rd is like a non-day.

If I could put time in a bottle, this day would be the backwash.

But rejoice my friends…all is not lost. Tomorrow will usher in better times, more excitement, and move us 24 hours closer to the weekend.

And…

Tomorrow is Mardi Gras!! Better known in Bagwine, as Matty Gras or Mat Tuesday. Boo Yah, bitches; we’ll be celebrating it right here.

E-mail me a picture of your boobs today or tomorrow and by golly I’ll e-mail you a picture of some beads for your effort. Ya can’t top that deal.

Of course Wednesday is Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent. For me as you know, it means not eating meat for 46 days, but that’s not all…

Jay, the Cynical Bastard himself, has entered the Sweepstakes of Salvation.

The man is giving up all forms of junk food for Lent.

Is that big or what? Damn right it is. He’s eschewing cakes, cookies, chips, pizza etc. until Jeebus arises in April.

After our sacrifice is complete, Jay and I will be securely held within the bosom of the Lord.

I think three things when I envision that menage a trois of Messianic matriculation…

Sweet, ironic, and pretty damn creepy.

And to get you through this most mundane Monday of the year, I leave you with that vision.

A vision of me, Jay, and Jeebus sitting in a land of milk and honey eating cheeseburgers, tossing back burritos, and drinking heavily.

And of course, we’ll all be naked and taking turns going down on Mary Magdalene.

Here’s to the end of Monday.

Cheers!!

Holy Week: It's Wednesday, Who's There?

Yesterday, we spoke about how Jeebus was a bit of a prankster and jokester.

Well, have I got some news for you!!

Back in 1999, while trying to bury what was left of my self-esteem in the backyard of my “soon to be handed over to the ex” estate:

Something HUGE Happened…

I discovered an ancient religious text buried beneath several inches of dirt, dead grubs, and three empty bottles of Bagwine.

This my friends, forever changed my life.

Much like the Book of Menus, that I mentioned yesterday, this was quite the find.

This ancient book reveals that our boy Jeebus, was on the cutting edge of comedy, and the inventor of the Knock-Knock joke.

From what I have heard through the word of God, he came up with them on the Wednesday prior to his crucifixion.

While most of his jocularity has been lost, my fortuitous dig turned up the lost Knock-Knock jokes of Jeebus Christ.

This text, which was labeled, The Book of Rodney, was full of these gems, and comprises the first book of what I call, The Knockstic Gospels.

I also found a series of unmarked one-liners by Jeebus, that I have called, the Book of Henny. More on that at a later date.

The Book of Rodney contains the following…

Father, the Pharisees show me no respect. (Rodney 1: 1)

I walked into the Temple, and the Moneychangers said unto me, “You are so ugly; you would have to sneak up on a glass of Holy Water.” (Rodney 1: 7-8)

I’m a bad lover. Once, I caught a Peeping Thomas booing. He also doubted me. (Rodney 3: 14)

We then get into a few of his Knock-Knock jokes…

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Jew. Jew Who? Dry Your Yiddish Tears You Big Ninny. (Rodney 5: 17-18)

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Judas. Judas Who? Judas See Who Kissed Me? (Rodney 13: 28)

And my favorite…

Knock-Knock. Who’s There? Noah. Noah Who? Noah good Doctor who could sew up the holes in my hands? (Rodney 11: 22-24)

What a Holy Laugh Riot the Holy Baby Jeebus turned out to be…You RAWK Jay-Cee!!

There’s also a funny story about Holy Wednesday that is relayed to us in the Book of Rodney…

And thusly, the Apostles awoke on the mid week day. There was a ruckus. Bartholomew asked, “What the Hell is going on?”

Matthew spaketh, “Jeebus is plowing Mary Magdalene’s Garden of Eden.”

Thaddeus answered…

“I hope Jeebus’ snake doesn’t get charred by her Burning Bush.”

Jeebus emerged from the den, and spoke,"Mary and I were happy for twenty years...and then we met. Bada Bing, I'll be here til Friday!!"

Jeebus, all 12 Apostles, and a butt-nekkid Mary laughed their Holy asses off. (Rodney 7: 10-17)

And that my friends, is what transpired on Holy Wednesday.

I hope to see you all tomorrow for a special Easter edition of Half Nekkid Holy Thursday.

Cheers!!

Holy Week: Jesus Shows His Comic Side

It’s Holy Week folks, and just five meatless days to go.

Holy Week has always been a bit of mystery to me.

During the Triduum, which runs from Thursday evening to vespers on Easter Sunday...

We have all Hell breaking loose.

The Last Supper…Christ Gettin’ Nailed…The First Round of the NCAA Tournament…Oh, and then the Resurrection.

WTF?

Hayzoos arrived in Jerusalem on Sunday. Are you telling me nothing happened on Monday through Wednesday?

Of course things happened, and I know exactly what went down…

Mack Daddy J and his 13 Apostles, along with that minx, Mary Magdalene, partied their holy asses off.

They rented the Bar Mitzvah reception hall near the Garden of Gesetheme.

Once inside and set-up with mirrors and a giant disco ball, they planned the mass intoxication of civilization, while having an immoral free for all.

The 13 Apostles played poker. JC and Mary played escaped slave and the owner’s wife.

All the while, they all sucked back mass amounts Mogen and David wine from a bottle that JC kept refilling.

Pathetic…Until you think about the fact that Messiah-Boy was merely throwing one helluva pre-crucifixion wake.

When they got hungry they would order pizza from Little Caesar’s.

They would get the Goliath Super Deluxe, hold the anchovies.

Jeebus hated anchovies. He would always say, “No anchovies, please.”

Thus, years later, The J. Geils Band would write a song based on that quote.

The quote itself, appears in a series of writings that never made their way into the Bible. It’s from a text called, The Book of Menus.

One time, one of the Apostles, Rick of Tyre, slid a piece of the hairy fish onto Jeebus’ slice of pizza.

J-Mac was so pissed that he turned Rick into a tiny piece of primordial dung.

Centuries later, that piece of dung would form itself into whom we now know as Bill O’Reilly.

This explains why we only recognize 12 Apostles, and why Bill O’Reilly is such a major league asshole.

JC was also a big joke teller and prankster.

He loved taking his posse down to the local Tobacco and Hookah Shoppe.

Jeebus, would ask the tobacco merchant, “Do you have King Herod in a can?”

Ha…Everyone would burst out into a chorus of Holy laughter. JC was a regular Shecky Greene.

There is much more to this story of Holy Tom-Foolery, but alas, that must wait until tomorrow.

Have a great Holy Week Tuesday.

Cheers!!