Sarah Palin: Getting Divorced? I Smell Something Fishy

Upon Gov. Sarah Palin being chosen to be John McCain’s running mate nearly a year ago, the internets became rife with rumors about her.

There were rumors going around that perhaps Trig was not her child but rather was the offspring of her daughter, Bristol.

Recently, a “journalist” named Jesse Griffin who authors a blog called, The Immoral Minority claimed that he had discovered that Gov. Palin and her husband were going to get divorced.

I have never been one to participate in the rumor mill. I have enough actual grist in my head, and of course, I would never participate in promulgating unsubstantiated crap.

However, being the iconic purveyor of truth that I am, when a naked verisimilitude falls into my lap, I must herald it…no matter how distasteful. I have information that is shocking…

While Bristol, Willow, Trig, Tangent, and Co-Secant or whatever, are her kids, Sarah Palin is getting a divorce. The reason?

Sarah Palin is a Lesbian!!

Damn right. I have a well-placed source who is very, very close to me, the Matt-Man, who has passed this scandalous information on to me so that I could share it with the world.

My source has inside information which builds the evidentiary foundation upon which Palin’s gay lifestyle is built.

Consider this…She hunts and guts moose like a man. She wears hip waders without regard for her appearance like a man.

In High School she played basketball. I am told by my source that more than the game itself, Palin loved the post-game locker room nakedness with her female teammates…alot.

When playing for the High School girl’s B-Ball team she had a nickname. Sarah Barracuda. And my friends, what do barracudas eat? That’s right…other fish. See the pisces...er...pieces coming together?

I am told by my shadowy source that Palin developed a new nickname as she grew into adulthood. Most church going folks call her Sarah “The Beauty Queen” Palin, but...

All of the hip, gay chicks who hang out at the Valley Lanes Bowling Center in Wasilla, Alaska refer to her as, Sarah “The Scissors Queen” Palin.

And both the feminine and butch bowling chicks alike, say that she can really cut a rug…and they ain’t talkin’ about dancing, my friends.

Oh sure, she married Todd “Clueless Dude” Palin, spit some kids out, and sang Onward Christian Soldiers in the church choir. That was for the perfect family look that would help her get elected to office. But…

All the while she has been getting naked with busty babes, cursing her reproductive organs, and singing along to Melissa Etheridge and K.D. Lang CDs.

There nothing wrong with being a lesbian. In fact, knowing that she gets it on with other women makes me kinda hot, but it’s time to come out of the igloo closet.

If this gets read by Palin, I am sure her spokeswoman (uh-huh, spokesWOMAN), Meg Stapleton, who I bet has seen Sarah naked a time or two or a hundred, will go on Facebook or Twitter and deny it.

Do what you will ladies. Unlike that pussy Jesse Griffin who tried to post his divorce accusations anonymously, I am Matt-Man; hear me roar.

I know what you’re thinking folks…

“Aren’t you afraid of being quasi-threatened with a lawsuit from Palin like Jesse Griffin was after publishing his claim that she was getting divorced?”

No my friends, I am not. I have the truth on my side. I have well-placed voices talking to me. Most importantly…

I know it’s true because number one, I believe it…and number two?

I’m Matt-Man, Bitch.

Cheers!!

Billy Mays: I Dug The Awesome Auger, But I Needed An Awesome Buzz

It’s Monday Bitches, so let’s catch up on something in the news that was reported late Friday. Maybe you were busy drinking and whoring around over the weekend and missed it.

The Hillsborough County (FL.) Coroner’s office has concluded their autopsy of that Pitch Man of Pandemonium, Billy Mays, and has discovered…

There was cocaine, prescription painkillers, anti-anxiety drugs, and a few drinks in his system at the time of death.

They went on to say that cocaine use led to his ticker having Mighty, Mighty Heart Disease, which was listed as the cause of death.

But that’s not all, folks…

His wife, Deborah, is outraged by the findings of the Coroner’s office. She denies any drug use, and says that the autopsy report was, “speculative…and unnecessary.”

She says that her husband was a victim of chronic, untreated hypertension.

Um...I understand that she is grieving, but is she saying that while Billy Mays was receiving prescriptions for pain and anxiety, the doctor or doctors treating him left his high blood pressure unchecked?

C’mon now....

Hippocratic oath aside, if the docs could throw one more drug into him in the form of blood pressure medication and get a return on it, they would have gladly done that.

I don’t care how fun loving, hard working, and affable someone may seem…We all have our demons. It can be unfortunate…It can be detrimental, but it’s human, and it’s okay.

I do bring this news item up for another reason. I want some kudos from the general public. During the initial bemoaning of Mr. Mays’ death, I while a fan, took a more jaded approach to his eternal expiration.

In my post of June 29th, the day after his death, I wrote the following:

“Here’s to Billy Mays who passed away yesterday. As of this writing, the cause of death is unknown, but I’m thinking that he OD’d from snorting too much OxiClean and either his heart or his head went Kaboom!

No matter what happened, there isn’t enough Mighty Putty in the world to fix him.”

That’s right folks…The death of Billy Mays may not have directly involved OxiClean, but he was sure as hell snorting something…and I called it.

On second thought, maybe it was “OxiClean” that he was snorting because after all, can one spell OxiClean without using the letters that appear in the word, “cocaine”?

Maybe the FDA should consider looking into exactly what is in that powerful cleanser.

And maybe, you should say to me:

“Matt-Man, you are a fucking genius.”

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: I Pray For Guidance

Schmoop went to bed early last night so I was up by myself.

I watched a repeat, I think…of Glenn Beck.

Holy Cow…First of all, that messed up dude is getting a double chin. I don’t know if the Beck-Boy is chowing down on all of those Mormon staples that he keeps in his basement or not, but man…

He looks like he just swallowed Brigham Young, Joseph Smith, or that Indian guy who claimed to be or know Jeebus…or something.

I will tell you one thing…Glenn Beck is an asshole. I mean anyone who says that Obama is a racist, is in my opinion, an asshole.

It’s kinda like Rush Limbaugh…A few years ago he said that he wanted all drug addicts to go to jail, and then it’s found out that he used some poor maid of his to acquire drugs for his own two selves. Or is that three selves?

You know…One for him…One for his ego…and one for his ginormous ass. Oh yeah, Limbaugh is a asshole. A big one.

“Wow Matt…what brought this on you might ask?” Well, my soon to be less than friends, let me tell you.

I have shoved off my, “I’ll let it slide off of me" attitude.

I am no longer going to let hate filled ego pass by with a joke. I am no longer going to allow self-importance be the a punch line.

Much like the rude, uninformed Health Care protestors, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck, I have decided to just throw out whatever comes to mind…whether it makes sense or not.

Oh Boy…this is going to be fun.

Cheers!!