Keith Olbermann Fired...Oh The Humannnnity!!

Friday marked the end of Countdown on MSNBC as Keith Olbermann both abruptly resigned and was fired by MSNBC.

That’s a talented way to go out by golly!! Only an ego of massive proportions could pull a daily double like that!!

And well…his ego was more than up to the task…per usual.

I won’t miss Olbermann, and I’m not sure why.

Maybe it’s my overwhelming dislike for him propagated by his, picayunish way he points out any piece of minutiae that may make any right winger look stupid.

Perhaps it’s his uber sponge-like quality of self-absorption. It could be because he is just like Sean Hannity, El Rushbo, and Glenn Beck and doesn’t recognize that fact.

Those are all good reasons to dislike him, but I think it all comes down to the fact that Olbermann is a narcissistic fucktard.

Yeah…I’m pretty sure that’s it.

Anyhoo…I’m glad Olbermann is gone. He’s a bloviating jack ass.

So to Keith Olbermann I say…

Good Night, and Good Riddance, Sir!!

And to all of you, I say…

Cheers!!

A Box Full of Kindness

Look at this…

It appears to be merely a box full of stuff. But really, it’s much more than that.

It’s actually a box full of thoughtfulness. A box full of kindness…indeed, a box full of love.

And? It was sent to Schmoop and I from the same general area where the serial shooting took place this past weekend.

While I know this all may sound full of hyperbole, this box sent from the Phoenix/Tucson area represents not simply the full on generosity directed at Schmoop and me…

It should serve as a reminder and symbol to all of us, that there is still more kindness in this world than crazy.

Certainly, the crazy and hate-filled jerks like Jared Loughner often grab the headlines by stealing the lives of others.

On TV, blowhards like Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck distort an otherwise clear screen.

The likes of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and Alan Grayson make a mockery of the political lineage of Jefferson, Jackson, and Lincoln.

People of that ilk and the millions of others like them, are hateful, obnoxious, and in the extreme case…deadly.

Sometimes it seems as though that people like that are the norm in this world, but they are not. They’re just louder.

The vast majority of people in the world are good. They are the quiet kind that make up the vast majority of our planet.

And the quiet kind far outnumber the loud, hate-filled crazies that populate this world.

My buddy Desert Rat, the propagator of the aforementioned gift, is one of the many kind-hearted people in this world, and while there is only one Desert Rat, there are many others out there like her.

Ha…In fact, when Schmoop and I were unwrapping the contents (yes, she took the time to wrap some of the things), Schmoop said, “It’s like Christmas in January.”

Schmoop was right, but more so…If you know a person like Rat, and we all do, it’s Christmas every day of the year.

I know…as I stated earlier, this post is a bit of hyperbole, but the events in Arizona last weekend and the corresponding origins of the gift gave me a reason to pause and think.

Just keep in mind folks, as the lovely Desert Rat, has reminded me, so let her actions remind you as well…

The quiet kind of the world far outnumber the loud, the crazy, and the lethal.

And one other thing…In spite of the following picture:

Desert Rat is NOT retarded.

Thanks my friend and to you all…

Cheers!!

Keith Olbermann Suspended By MSNBC...For Two Days!! Talk About Your I'm With Stupid Moment!!

If you haven’t heard...

Keith Olbermann was suspended “indefinitely” on Friday by MSNBC for violating a campaign contribution policy placed by MSNBC on their talking head types.

Some of you are probably asking…

“So?”

Some of you are saying…

“Good!!”

Many of you are probably asking…

“Who?”

Olbermann is a pretentious bastard who does an uber-left talk/opinion/agree with me or go to hell, type political show on MSNBC weeknights at 8 PM EST.

Against the MSNBC policy of their hosts contributing to political campaigns without permission, Olbermann along with his ginormous ego donated to three Democratic candidates this past year.

He was “indefinitely” suspended, well…if indefinitely means for two shows.

MSNBC wimped out, and Penis Envy Keith will be back Tuesday night and I’m sure he will be painting a canvass with a broad brush of hyperbole and histrionics that only he can.

I loathe him, and I am disappointed in MSNBC for their mere slap on the wrist of such a lying hypocrite.

Olbermann and his buddy Rachel Maddow (also on MSNBC) claim to have no agenda. Ha!!

They pimp out a far left agenda on MSNBC just as obviously as Sean Hannity and Glenn Beck pimp out the far right on FOX News.

It’s a joke, and so is Olbermann. And now..?

Some fun!!

This Friday November 12th at 11 PM EST on I’m with Stupid, Jay and I will be discussing all the social networking and media outlets that are everywhere.

Facebook, Twitter, Blogging etc. will be the topic of discussion.

We want to know why you use them. Perhaps why don’t, and all that jazz.

This subject is also the opening to a new segment that we will be doing every week on I’m With Stupid if we can get you to participate with us.

Beginning this Friday, in addition to the social media topic and all of our other fun and frivolity we want to interview YOU!!

If you have a blog and it is current and active we want to ask you questions about it and help you to pimp it out just like Keith Olbermann does the far left agenda!!

We will be doing one blog a week and really get into the what, whys, and where-to-fores of your blogsite.

If you would like to be a special guest of I’m With Stupid in this respect let Jay or I know and we will have you on the air with us and pimp out you and your website.

Especially for this week’s show, let us know no later than Wednesday so we can go through your blog and prepare for a good interview.

So let us know by emailing us…

Jay: jayman3768@gmail.com

Or…

Matt: neshobadude@yahoo.com

Have a wonderful Monday Chuckleheads, and as always…

Cheers!!

Could Ya Throw A Brutha Some Good Karma?

If you listened to I’m With Stupid or read my post this past Sunday, you know one thing for sure…

Matt-Man is in a Karma funk. Allow me to ‘splain…

My computer which has slowly been going to the dogs, has damn near barked its last bite. But, is getting replaced on Thursday.

Nonetheless…

The crashing could not have come at a more inopportune time, and in the meantime...

I will continue to listen to my current computer making a garbled, incoherent, moaning sound that resembles the noise made when Helen Keller had orgasms.

Our phone went to shit and our router box may or may not have gone to shit. Okay, I can get that replaced free.

And dig this…

Last Monday, I was getting ready for work, and a cross that I wear on a chain around my neck, fell off and went into the toilet as I was peeing.

I said to myself…

“Self, this can’t be a good sign, but I must stick my hand into my own urine and save the symbol of the Little Baby Jeebus.”

I did. I parted the Yellow Sea and saved the cross.

And then on my Fantasy football team, I got rid of a running back and picked up a sleeper named Montario Hardesty. This guy is a touchdown machine.

The same day I picked him up, he indeed, during a pre-season game, scored a touchdown, and then later in the game?

He tore his fucking ACL and is out for the season.

And then, I find out that T.J Houshmandzadeh who is one of my starting WR’s gets cut by the Seahawks.

What the Fuck?

So, I pick up a loser castaway WR from the Cowboys in Patrick Crayton. At this point I’m thinking…

“Gee, when is my spectacular QB Matt Schaub announcing that he has converted to Mormonism and will leave the NFL to serve a two year mission in Botswana or Sierra Leone?”

So far, that hasn’t happened, but I expect it anytime now, and if it does happen? I'm going to fuck Glenn Beck in the ass and make it hurt!!

Oy…and then, yesterday, Monday fucking morning…I go out to the kitchen, hit the light switch, and one of the fluorescent lights assplodes.

On top of all this, Schmoop is getting rid of the couch I love, people hate me, and my hemorrhoids are acting up.

I don’t get it…I’m such a nice person. And yet, what do I get for it?

Damn right…Heartache!!

I’m working all day today, so be nice to one and other in my absence.

Maybe if you are nice on my site, the good Karma will osmomatically return to me.

Cheers!!

Sharon Angle...Three's Company

Dumb...
Dumber...

Dumbest...


Cheers!!

A Myriad of Mish-Mash

I was home all day yesterday and when that happens, I drink and think.

While I drank much more than I thought, a few things did pop into this bald noggin of mine.

I feel chunky. I lost 90 pounds a couple of years ago, and I never want to balloon up again. I was huge.

So, I am going to do what I did to lose all of that weight again through Labor Day.

I’m cutting way back on carbs. Bread, pasta, beer…Ha Ha Ha. Yeah, right. I’m still going to drink plenty of beer and Bagwine, but…

No sandwiches, very little pasta.

I’m going to eat mainly naked meat, vegetables, and my go to diet food, soup. Lots and lots of soup. I invented the soup diet and trust me, it works.

I just want to lose ten pounds by Labor day…shouldn’t be a problem.

I listen to several talk radio shows. Hannity, Boortz, Beck-Tard. They’re hilarious and they have great commercials.

Beck hawks survival seeds, and Hannity pitches some shit called Food Insurance. It’s like MREs that they use in the armed forces. A bunch of dehydrated entrée type shit.

When I heard the Food Insurance thing, I thought…

I bet I could make a lot of money if I could manufacture and market, are you ready gang…

Dehydrated Water!!

Of course, I don’t know what one would add to it to make it water. Minor detail.

It was incredibly hot and humid in Bagwine yesterday and Pizza Bill had to work the Beer Mine from 10-9. Ol’ Pizza Bill is susceptible to a type of heat rash that he refers to as Ass Chap.

Knowing the humid conditions outside and Bill’s problem I was struck by a vision of him all sweaty as he left work and his butt looking like two big tureens of Split Pea soup and wet, uncooked Pancake mix.

I couldn’t get the morose vision out of my mind until two beers later.

After that, I had a better vision. If the dehydrated water thing doesn’t work I could make tons of cash making a line of cars that appeal to right wing Fundamentalists.

The name of my newly founded car company?

Christler!!

I think that would be a winner. I can hear it now.

“Hey Dave what kind of car is that? It‘s very nice.”

“Well Tom, that’s the 2011 Christler Apocalypse, and let me tell you. When you’re riding in this, it feels like the streets are paved with gold.”

Lastly, I talked to Jay yesterday for a looonnnng time about our impending radio show.

We covered a lot of ground and ha, our conversation would have made a good show. We do have one problem first and foremost…

We can’t think of a name for the show. Jay being the flamboyant, creative master-mind that he is, offered this…

The Jay and Matt Show.

Ha. I love that guy...but we will keep working on the title anyway.

Only working 5-9 today so I’ll be ‘round for awhile. Enjoy your Thursday all; Friday is just around the corner.

Cheers!!

God From The Machine

Maybe it’s the dread of the White Death that is coming to Bagwine, Ohio and the 8-12 inches of snow we’re supposed to get from it but man…

I had one helluva crazy dream Sunday night/Monday morning.

I was at picnic fundraiser for Sarah Palin. It was a warm summer day, and the fundraiser was being held at a park.

True to her folksy, homespun carnival act personality, there were all sorts of activities that one might find at a small town America cookout.

I signed up for the three-legged race. I’ve always kinda dug that. We all threw our names in a hat and Sarah drew names to see who would partner with whom.

I was excited because I knew that if I had a decent partner I had a good shot at winning. My excitement soon became despair when Sarah named who would be tied up with me…

Stephen Fucking Hawking!!

“What a disadvantage that puts me at.” I muttered to myself.

While other pairs are running the race with three good legs, I’m going to be draggin’ Hawking down Lane 4 for 50 yards.

I was thinking to myself, “Holy Shit…Having Heather Mills as my partner would be a step up.”

Anyhoo…Hawking comes rolling up to me, and in his creepy McDonald’s Drive-Thru speaker voice, said…

“Let’s kick some ass, Matt-Man.”

So I dump his ass out of his wheelchair, and he’s laying there in all his palsied and Parkinsonian glory flippin’ and a-flappin’ around like a washed up walleye contorting on a hot rock, and I tied him to my right leg with a bungee cord and duct tape.

I dragged him and his useless body over to the starting line. There were six teams in the race, but one team in particular was giving me and The Hawk-Man the stink eye.

It was the team of Bill O’Reilly and Glenn Beck.

After we stared them down (well, after I stared them down, Hawking’s face was in the dirt, mumbling some incoherent bullshit about supernovas and their effect on the space/time continuum), I turned my eyes to the prize and the finish line that was 50 yards away.

Palin with bullhorn in hand, shouted, “Ready, Set…” and then several rounds from her AK-47 set each team into motion.

Despite the dead weight attached to me, I was bolting like lightning down the course…
Hawking beside me and behind me all the way, his face being bloodied by the ground as he drooled and continuously muttered, for whatever reason, “Deus ex Machina!!”

O’Reilly and Beck were leading, but as we neared the finish line lagging behind those two nut jobs, they abruptly stopped in order to deeply kiss and fondle each other’s dick.

As they engaged in their ego and cock stroking man love, I sped passed them hauling Hawking’s bouncing, crippled body beside me.

As we crossed the finish line in triumphant fashion, I realized the brilliance of Hawking. O’Reilly and Beck’s public display of depravity had been our Deus ex Machina.

I cut Hawking loose from me, gave him a bottle of Gatorade, and proceeded to have obligatory winner’s sex with Bristol Palin.

Hawking? Unable to put himself into his wheelchair, he lay there calculating exactly how long it would take him to die from over-exposure to the hot summer sun. And you know what?

That brilliant bastard predicted his sunstroke induced demise right to the nano-second.

Cheers!!

Sarah Palin Signs With FOX News...Roger Ailes Is My Hero!!

Wow kids…There was big news on Monday.

The Harry Reid, negro dialect comment fallout? Not at all, bitches and ho’s.

Mark McGwire admitting that he was using steroids when he broke the home run record? Swing and a miss batter; that’s no surprise.

Simon Cowell announcing that he will be leaving American Idol? This judge says no.

No my friends, the big news on Monday was that former Alaska Governor Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin was inked by FOX News to a multi-year deal where she will work as a contributor and provide among other things, political commentary.

Political commentary? From Sarah Palin? Holy Cow!!

My funny bone has a hard-on right now thinking about the amount of jocularity that Palin will produce while weighing in with and alongside Senators, Generals, foreign leaders and the like. Oh Baby!!

Say what you want about FOX News President Roger Ailes, the man is a fucking comedic genius. He knows how to take stupid and turn it into ratings as hilarity ensues.

Tune into Fox and Friends in the morning and gaze upon Steve “Sure Thing, Mr Ailes” Doocy, Gretchen “I Graduated From Stanford, But They Don’t Advertise It” Carlson, and Brian “Huh?” Kilmeade do their 21st Century Three Stooges schtick. It’s Hi-Larry-Ous.

Sometimes I wonder how those three keep a straight face while delivering their goofy, tea bagging, right wing paranoia, and then it hits me…

They have no idea what the hell they’re talking about!! Ailes hired those people to be oblivious and the trio have immersed themselves head deep into a bucket full of stupid. Well done, Roger!!

Bill “Ego Oozes From My Pores” O’Reilly of course, pales not to those three. He needs no encouragement from Roger Ailes.

Billy-Boy knows what he says is the truth because, well, he tells you it is. And if you don’t believe him, he’ll threaten to kick your ass. Nicely played once again, Mr. Ailes.

And then there is…

Glenn “Every Book I Write, I Steal The Title From Someone Else’s Book” Beck. Now there’s a man I enjoy watching.

Unlike the aforementioned FOX personalities, this guy is flat out, bat shit crazy. He can become tiring after awhile but when he’s at his crazy, crying best, he is comedy gold.

Well, I have a word of warning for ya, Mr. Beck…

There’s a new crazy person on FOX News, and she is going to be going fucking rogue!!

Sarah Palin is oblivious like the Fox and Friends stooges. She feigns toughness like Billy Boy, and she is bat shit crazy like the Beck-Meister.

Great Googly Moogly, the Eski-Ho is a fricking triple threat, and Ailes will ride her like a bitch-slapped polar bear to the ratings feeding hole.

Congrats on a another slick move, Roger Ailes. I for one, will be tuning in to watch Palin dish the funny.

I just hope you have set aside plenty of thigh high skirts and low cut blouses for Sarah. I want her to blend in with the other FOX babes.

Cheers!!

My Past Came Back To Taunt Me

Some of you may be aware of the fact that some 23 or 24 years ago I did stand-up comedy in the Bagwine area.

It was a solo musical/comedy act that I did posing as a third-rate lounge singer named, Joey Goodbar. I had some good times and a relatively small but fiercely loyal following.

I just never took my comedy act as seriously as I should have, and truly pursued it. I regret that sometimes. Perhaps regret is not the right word. In fact, I know it’s not.

I think the most accurate way to describe my feelings about no longer doing comedy is that… While I rarely mention it, I miss it…alot.

I decided that it is time to stop missing it. Today as I stand a mere one month and two days away from my 45th Birthday, I am going start the pursuit anew, and not merely on a local level and not while hiding behind the guise of, Joey Goodbar.

I am going to try to get gigs on radio, TV, and of course doing live shows while being known simply as Matt Mahoney.

I am going to start today working on a new website which will serve as my contact point for perspective employers.

It is going to take quite a bit of work. I have to build a resume…establish a database of TV/Radio media contacts and show producers, and continuously send topical emails to these contacts in order to get on their shows.

And as much as I hate to…I’ll have to start utilizing Facebook and Twitter. Oh the crosses we bear to achieve a dream.

I think if I apply myself I can do it. My selling point is that I am not just a comedian. I am a commenter on social, cultural, and political goings on in the talking head mode who happens to be pretty damn funny. Other pluses?

I am not an ideologue. I can look at issues from a wide array of angles, and appreciate all viewpoints. I'm like an anti-Olbermann, an anti-Beck...an anti-Dickhead.

I actually know the mindset of the vast amount of Americans who do not live on either coast. I can speak with a plain, rough around the edges voice which actually connects with people outside of the beltway or Manhattan and L.A.

I’m kind of excited. If I can successfully blend my love of politics, culture, and comedy into something more than Bagwine Ruminations I will be a happy, happy man.

I guess my attempt at this can be considered my New Year Resolution. I still have to first and foremost deal with everyday life such as spending time with Ryno, helping to pull Schmoop and I out of some difficulties, and all of the other commitments, but…

If something comes of this, the other stuff will not only take care of itself, it will be better. Much better.

So there you have it. That’s my goal for 2010. I hope to have something to show you in two or three weeks, and don’t worry…This site will always continue to carry on no matter what happens.

Oh and if you want to or know a way to help out, please shoot me an e-mail or a comment.

Cheers!!

Thanksgiving Recipe: Football, Food, and Hold the Blathering

I am looking forward to this Thanksgiving more than any other in recent memory.

Why? Because I have become so fucking bored and addle-minded due to all of the political punditry, prognostication, and repetition of the same vapid crap on the cable “news” shows.

Thanksgiving will offer me a respite from all of this.

Health Care…Anymore, when an “in-the know” panel begins to discuss and debate Health Care reform, my eyes glaze over…my ass hole tightens…and the left side of my upper lip twitches.

I hope that if anything in this area does gets passed, that my syndrome will be covered.

But nothing substantial, if anything will get passed. And why should it? If there is nothing in any proposed bill to control costs, what’s the damn point?

I think my breaking point on this entire issue was when the Senate debated eight hours on a vote that would allow debate on the Senate bill.

And here I thought that our legislators were already there to debate such issues. Silly Matt-Man. Pffffft.

Sarah Palin…Oh Dear GAWD!! I can’t believe I am saying this, but…I am sick of hearing from and about Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin. I know, she is a source of comedy, but her empty-headedness has reached the point of the mundane.

She’s not going to be President. She’s not a force to be reckoned with. She’s a half-term iglooramus that is going to make a lot of money and have a talk show some day.

Good for her, now go make a made for TV movie of her life and show it on the Lifetime Network.

Lifetime could debut her movie right after a showing of the TV cinematic event…God’s Favorite Vegetable: The Terri Schiavo Story.

Ugh…It’s the same old shit. Climate change. I don’t really care. I mean, I want a clean, freely spinning on its axis Earth, but stop the moaning and gnashing of teeth folks. We’ll live to see another day.

And now? There’s the this whole Afghanistan thing. When will Obama make up his mind? When will he stop dithering? Pfffft. Who fucking cares?

Obama is taking his time on a strategy, good for him.

It is almost winter in Afghanistan and there isn’t going to be a whole helluva lot going on for a few months. Maybe his options suck because they all have us staying in Afghanistan for several years.

I say we buy up the poppy fields. Employ the Afghans to cultivate and harvest them and sell the crop to the pharmaceutical companies so they can produce all of the medicinal opiates that they need.

We take our cut, and the rest of the money can be used to build infrastructure, schools, and housing. On top of that, the unemployment rate in Afghanistan would be like 4%. That’s how you make people happy.

See? Unlike other talking heads…I have just defined victory in Afghanistan. Happy Afghans.

And please network talking heads…Quit saying that Obama, in order to decide our strategy, has convened his “war council”.

War Council? WTF?

Are we living in 14th Century England and Obama is King Edward III discussing plans for the Battle of Crécy?

Just…Stop…It…

Anyhoo. Thanksgiving will offer me the opportunity to eat, drink, and watch TV that will be devoid of all of this blathering for nearly four full days.

I am very much looking forward to all of the coverage of football, sappy family stories, and video of early morning shoppers storming the stores for Christmas bargains.

For that, I am truly thankful.

Cheers!!

Yom Kippur...Day of Atonement: Pray And Fast All You Want My Jewish Friends, But Please, Take A Bath

Sunday at sundown marked the beginning of the Jewish observance of Yom Kippur…The Day of Atonement.

In Judaism, this 25 hour period of Yom Kippur marks the end of the annually occurring High Holy Days, or as I call it… Jew-a-Palooza.

As the name, The Day of Atonement implies, it is a period of repentance.

Those of the Hebrew faith will be asking for absolution from God Almighty for their lapses of good behavior and transgressions against the Heap Big Holy Cheese, Hizzelf.

Many of the Torah Toters will be praying, fasting, and avoiding work. Some will participate in other, more disturbing Yom Kippur rituals…

No Wearing of Leather Shoes…I don’t get that. I can see where they might not wear shoes made of pigskin, but leather?

No Bathing or Washing…Holy Moses!!

I bet that today, there are quite a few packed synagogues that will smell less like a gaggle of Jewish chicks at a Palm Beach perfume counter and more like a gang of sweaty Palestinian arms smugglers burrowing a new tunnel through the Gaza Strip. Whew!!

No Marital Relations…Ha. I guess if one is married to a Jewish babe, why should this day be any different than the rest of the year? I do wonder, however…Does this mean that Extra-Marital relations are acceptable?

Anyhoo…

While I am not Jewish, I think I too, will seek atonement with the G-Man today. I will ask forgiveness for throwing a goose egg at the High School Marching Bad Director and hitting him on the ass at the start of my sophomore year.

I will atone for agreeing to an appointment with a window salesman who drove around for an hour looking for my house when all along I was living in this apartment complex of some 100 units.

I will beg forgiveness for the existence of Carrot Top. God won’t take responsibility for him, let alone any mortal, so on behalf of all humanity, I will man up and accept the blame. Please forgive me.

Today, while Glenn Beck is sneaking a Big Mac or six on his National Day of Fasting and Prayer to Save Our Republic, I the Matt-Man, will be on my knees in holy supplication mode.

If there are any hot Jewish babes out there who would like to get on their knees with me, I would be more than happy for you to join me.

After all, as I pointed out earlier, only Marital Relations are a no-no on this day, so we could get together and do a little Yom Kippurrrrring.

To my friends of the Jewish persuasion, I bid you, Mazel Tov, Shalom, and a solemn sin shedding Yom Kippur.

And to ye of all faiths, or lack thereof…

Cheers!!

Glenn Beck Is An Asshole, But He Is Not Who He Appears To Be

I announced back on September 15th the founding of a new political movement called, “The Speleology Coalition”.

It is a coalition of people who politically, are open to new ideas, think for themselves, and are not right or left wing psychopaths.

In my announcement, I discussed Plato’s, Analogy of the Cave.

I talked about how folks who watch, listen, and nod in blind agreement with the likes of Keith Olbermann and Glenn Beck are merely watching shadows on a wall and accepting them as real.

When I wrote that, my mind kept going back to Glenn Beck and what an asshole he is. I knew that he reminded me of someone from the past with whom I was familiar.

However, I couldn’t quite put my finger on who it was. It’s been driving me crazy.

Here’s this guy, Glenn Beck who can emote with tears at the drop of a hat…who can then shut off the waterworks and go on a tirade against non-existent threats to our nation.

Beck will then look into the camera with his empty eyes and speak directly to his legion of Beck-Tards, by channeling and often misquoting Jefferson, Madison, other Founding Fathers, and sometimes even God Almighty.

He is now calling for a day of Prayer and Fasting during Yom Kippur in order to save our Republic. Ha...Like Glenn Beck is going to be able to fast for a day. Freak.

He’s an amalgam of paranoid goof, carnival barker, fear monger, and ratings whore. Most of all, he is simplistic and loose with oh so many facts.

But hey, Beck-Tards don’t mind, even when he calls President Obama a racist. Beck-Tards simply clench their fists and yell: “Damn Right Glenn, Off with his Head!!”

Beck will incite his considerable audience with intellectual gems such as, “President Obama is addicting this country to heroin---the heroin that is government slavery.” Or this one…

“The president has an agenda that is radical, revolutionary, and in some cases, MARXIST!!”

I was still trying to put my finger on the person of whom Beck reminded me, and then, yesterday morning, the clouds blocking my recollection began to part.

I had partially figured it out. He reminded me of a game show host. But which one, I thought.

Bob Barker? Alex Trebek? Or my favorite, Wink Martindale? No, none of those fit the in your face lunacy of Beck, nor do they have that burning hate and fear.

I was trying to think, and then in my head, I could hear the voice of the game show host I was trying to recall saying things like, “You Bastard. Drop Dead!!”…and, “Who loves you, and who do you love?”

And then, the quote that jarred my memory like a juggernaut, fired up my synapses, and involuntarily left my brain, came out of my mouth:

“Hello, this is Killian. Give me the Justice Department, Entertainment Division.” And it hit me…

Holy Cow…Glenn Beck is Damon Killian!!

Damon Killian was the game show host character that Richard Dawson played in the Schwarzeneggar movie, The Running Man.

Killian and Beck are cut from the same oil cloth. They both play upon fear and the worst and basest instincts of people. And it doesn’t matter to them, only the ratings do.

As Killian said, and I can hear it coming from Beck’s mouth as well:

“This is television, that's all it is. It has nothing to do with people, it's to do with ratings!!”

Hey Beck…I’ll Be Back, and one other thing. Suck It!!

Cheers!!

*For those of you interested, Jay-Man has written a brilliantly funny post that offers advice to my slacker son. You can click HERE to read it. Thanks Jay!!

*Holy Crap, one other thing...My nephew and his wife, Jamie, are in California today. She made it on to Jeopardy and they are taping today. The show will air the week of October 19th. Wish her Luck!!

Beck, Maddow, Hannity, and Followers Thereof...The Speleology Coalition Is Going To Stick The Stalagmite of Common Sense Up Your Ass

Over the past few days and weeks, I have been taking shots at Glenn Beck, Keith Olbermann, Rachel Maddow, Sean Hannity, Tea Party protestors, and those who watch them in order to determine what they should think.

I announced on Thursday September 10th, that I had had enough with these dullards and was determined to form an effective third political party.

My desire was to form a group that could counteract the stupidity that flows from the minds and mouths of the aforementioned morons.

I am still in the process of putting this idea into an entity of tangibility, but I have made progress. I have come up with the name of this political movement, and our basic purpose…

The Speleology Coalition.

“Matt-Man,” you ask, “what the hell is speleology?”

Speleology is the study of caves…and why have I named this movement after the study of caves?

Sure, some of you who have known me for awhile, may think it refers to a perverted desire of mine to be a caveman who engages in sex with hot Neanderthal chicks who, instead of having language capabilities and the ability to talk back, can only grunt.

As appealing as it would be to have sex with a chick who is unable complain, that is not the reason.

No my friends (and critics), my reason for choosing, The Speleology Coalition refers to the Allegory of the Cave set forth by Plato in Book VII of his epic work, The Republic.

No, I have not lost my mind, so stay with me…

In the Allegory of the Cave, Plato, who is writing in the persona of Socrates, describes a hypothetical situation in which people since childhood have been held prisoner in a cave.

Their arms and legs shackled; their heads stationary, gazing at a wall, they are forced to watch shadows of animals, humans and other material things being cast upon the cave wall through the cooperation of a blazing fire and people walking behind them.

To the prisoners, the shadows and accompanying noises and voices they hear, are to them, what comprises the “real world”.

To the incarcerated, the beclouded specters and muddled voices combine in concert to compose what is the, Symphony of the Real World in B Flat.

In 2009, Plato’s Cave Allegory is being put into practice. Millions of Americans are shackled to their couches watching the shadows of ignorance and unyielding ideology being played out on TV, while in the caves of their homes.

Millions more hear the muddled voices while in their cars as they listen to talk radio.

They are prisoners to a marionette show put on by self-aggrandizing, puffed up puppet masters who are pulling the strings of fear, intellectual incapacity, and herd mentality.

This modern day, cave staged, Punch and Judy show, and the ensuing, go along-get along attitude towards it from the audience, is what feeds the lack of non-thinking realism to many, and gives this movement its purpose.

It is up to us as members of this organization to lead prisoners from their cave of shadows and fear.

It’s time to let the light of common sense and heated, yet respectful debate between those who agree and disagree, shine as a rainbow of humanity's evolution through the prism of informed personal discernment and social debate.

The 21st Century cave dwellers of whom I speak, need to realize something, and realize it quickly, lest we all lose...

In the words of Plato’s fellow Greek, Plutarch:

“I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.”

Glenn Beck, Rachel Maddow, Birthers, Truthers, Tea Baggers, et al., have become shadows of each other. A shadow does not think for itself. It follows blindly. But…

When light is shone from a point that has no angle one way or the other, and is straight up, a shadow dissipates, and a person is left with only him or herself.

It is at that point when actions and thoughts are the sole responsibility of the person in question.

It is also at that point, that no matter how painful and unfamiliar that intellectual soliloquy may be, a person must think for him or herself, and climb out of the cave.

Shining that light and being a catalyst for others in order to make that metamorphosis happen, is the purpose of this movement.

And for his wisdom, which is as ancient as the scorpion, I thank Plato.

However...

Unlike Plato, I am not calling for Philosopher Kings. I am calling for Philosopher Citizens.

I hope you join The Speleology Coalition and along with me, become a Spelunker.

Cheers!!

Tea Party March On Washington, D.C.: FOX News And Glenn Beck Aren't Fair and Balanced; They're Steeping The Tea!!

I mentioned yesterday that I was just flat out pissed off and disgusted with what I saw on the FOX News coverage of the Tea Party march on Washington, D.C.

As one who appreciates loud, proud, and sassy civil disobedience, don’t think for a moment that I feel that these tea baggers shouldn’t have descended on our Nation’s Capitol.

However…I was disturbed by a couple of things that I saw.

First of all FOX News…

I heard inflated attendance numbers given by the moronic numb nut Griff Jenkins. I watched and listened to Glenn Beck heaping praise upon the protestors as his eyes “welled-up” with pride.

Former Congressman and House Majority Leader Dick Armey, whose group FreedomWorks Foundation has sponsored and financed many of these events, talked about the “spontaneous and grassroots” movement that is taking place.

Many in the crowd, when placed in front of a FOX News microphone by the aforementioned Griff Jenkins, returned the praise given by Glenn Beck by thanking him and FOX News for helping to get their message out.

Fair and Balanced, alright. FOX News is as fair as Rachel Maddow is an open-minded chick who likes guys and as balanced as Keith Olbermann is not a guy who is full of himself. Puhleeeeze, how the hell do you guys say that with a straight face?

Anyhoo…The Teabaggers…I heard the same old tired crap. “Obama is a Socialist!!” Now, let me do my best Joe Pesci and ask:

A Socialist, how? A Marxist? A Trotskyite? A Stalinist? An Uber-Hot, Blonde, Swedish Chick Who Lives in Stockholm? Exactly what do you mean by Socialist? Oh that’s right…You haven’t a God Damn clue!!

Then I saw posters and signs throwing the tired, old Nazi label on Obama.

Hmmmm…The only time I have ever seen a black Nazi was when I saw the late Ivan Dixon portray one a couple of times on Hogan’s Heroes during one of their wacky, wartime capers.

Glenn Beck recently released a book titled, “Glenn Beck’s Common Sense”. The title sums up the book correctly, well…halfway anyway.

It’s Beck’s book alright, I mean, other than the title that he creatively borrowed from Thomas Paine, but it’s far from common sense.

And the tea baggers who marched on D.C. Saturday that Beck helped to inspire, displayed the same lack of common sense that spews from Beck’s mouth on a daily basis.

I heard shouts of, “We’re losing our liberties!!” “It’s Communism!!” Hell, I was fully expecting someone to echo Beck’s words that we are now living under an “Oligarhy”. Ha.

The folks that FOX News showed and had talk on camera just threw out quick lines that injected some sense of losing freedom, Communism, Nazism, or otherwise dictatorial intent on the part of the Obama administration.

Get over it. Protest all you want. Protest loudly. Have fun with it. But please, I beg of you…

Could you refrain from merely throwing out invectives and vagaries? Seriously…put some thought into what you are protesting and put an argument behind it.

Do this not, and I will call upon Ivan Dixon to return from the dead, and in all of his Nazi glory, gun you down with his Schmeisser.

Tomorrow…I will announce the name and direction of the independent third political party that I am establishing.

Until then…I am working a rare day time shift today, so play nice while I am gone. If you can, try to keep folks in line, Phfrankie.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Tea Party Express

It’s going to be a bee-yoo-tee-fu Sabbath here in Bagwine today.

My 11-7 stint at the Beer Mine should be full fun and frivolity. No…seriously, on Sundays, the folks coming through are pretty cool, and today will be busy as it is the first Sunday of the 2009 NFL football season.

However, allow me to reflect on my Saturday for a moment…

By 10 P.M. Saturday night, I was footballed out. I turned to FOX News. Geraldo Rivera was on. Much of his show involved covering the Tea Party Express March on Washington, D.C.

I found out something funny while watching…something ironic…something that I knew subconsciously, but never mentioned, and yet was the impetus for me wanting to start an effective third political party.

Oh screw it…just screw it…I’ll talk to you all on Monday.

Cheers!!

Obama School Address: A Rebuttal By Matt-Man

Today, President Obama will address many of our sons and daughters who are beginning the new school year.

I have read the speech text. It is shocking. Obama implores the students to work hard, never give up, overcome difficulties, and study, study, study.

He has the nerve to tell our youth that if they apply themselves they could someday create a cure for cancer or AIDS.

He goes on to tell the students that if they develop critical thinking skills and their creativity, they may someday end poverty, discrimination, build businesses, and make America a better place.

Oh the nerve of that man…

Some administrators and parents are refusing to allow their kids to hear this outrageous back to school message from Obama and rightly so. However…

These children who are the spawn of parents who live according to the world of great Americans such as Glenn “Believe in Something Even if it’s Wrong” Beck and Michelle “I Wear Tons of Lipstick To Hide The Callouses I Got From Sucking The Pelvic Bones of John Birch’s Skeleton” Malkin, deserve a Back-to School address as well.

Fear not, my irrational, birther nation…I, Matt-Man, shall address your child. So gather them ‘round the computer and allow me to send them back to school with an inspiring message that is not a bunch of socialist, Obama drivel.

Hi Kids…Matt-Man, here.

I don’t care if you are kindergartener or a Senior in High School, life can be fraught with challenges and difficulties. Get used to it. Life is often arduous and for many of you, it will overwhelm you to the point where you need to rely on drugs and alcohol.

That’s okay, I can tell you…it’s not that bad of a way to go through life.

You can study as hard as you want…however, some of you may very well not “make it” in life.

In fact, most of you won’t. That’s the breaks. Sure, some of you may become doctors, lawyers, and entrepreneurs, but since Obama is hell bent on destroying our country, does it really matter?

And for those of you who think if you study really hard you could become President someday? Ha.

Your mom must have been drinking vodka and smoking crack while she was pregnant with you, because you’ve got no chance of that happening.

The only way any of you will have anything remotely in common with the Oval Office is if you happen to be a male student named, Dwight House.

Jeebus Christ kids…if your mom and dad have kept you from viewing the Obama message they have done you a big favor.

They, along with folks like Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and Laura Ingraham are well aware that President Obama has screwed this country, turned it into a socialist state, and now like a pied piper is asking you to join him.

Youth of America!! Do NOT be fooled. Obama wants you to become part of his diabolical, Marxist-Muslim movement that may involve many of you being forced to participate in a ritual of testicle shaving and being commanded to eat food prepared by a British chef. Bastard.

Kids…your parents have already shown you that there is no need for critical thinking. Hell, critical thinking leads to problems.

You may not know this, but do you know how Mad Cow Disease got started? A mindless, herd following cow decided to think for his own bovine self. What did it get him?

He went fucking mad, and then ruined all of our beef…that delicious beef that us like minded folks just eat up. So…

Don’t try hard…Don’t study…Don’t think. If you do? Your mom, dad, and Glenn Beck will cry. We don’t want that do we?

Of course not…And, that’s my message to you. Now get out there and have the most unproductive school year you have ever had!!

Cheers!!

Obama Addressing School Children: How Dare That Communist Bastard Do That!?

I have had it. No, really, I have HAD it.

President Obama has a video feed set for Tuesday September 8th that will have him asking for school kids to do their best and work hard during this school year.

How partisan can a group of people…right wing talk show hosts, pundits, and yes, many parents be? Jeebus, Mary, and Joseph!!

Fuck Em….

I have nothing other than that to say…Indeed, I can only say, Fuck Em.

Okay…that’s not true, I can say more than that.

Has a large portion of Americans simply lost their goddamn minds? Is a large portion of Americans saying:

“Screw that Kenyan born motherfucker; how dare him ask my kid to do well in school.”

From Glenn “Oligarhy” Beck, to Laura “Keep Your Kid Home From School” Ingraham, to Michelle “My Eyes Are Not Only Slanted, They Are Three Feet Apart” Malkin, and a host of other low IQ fanatics have been bashing Obama over this.

People like these morons and others like Billy Cunningham of 700 WLW, and Rep. Greer (R-FL) are saying that Obama is attempting to indoctrinate our youth….

Some have said, that much like Mao, Kim Jong Il, and Stalin, the O-Man is trying to lure our children to Socialism..

Gimme a fucking break.

Yes, our representatives of late do nothing but watch their own backs, however…

The people who elect said representatives have devolved into a series of cable TV and sound byte impulses.

They think not for themselves, and in many cases, they think not at all. And many, eat this "indoctrination by Obama conspiracy" shit up.

This anti-addressing of American students is the last straw for me.

I think I am fairly reasonable…I think in some aspects of life, I am quite smart.

However, I have over the years, at times, thought maybe I was a bit crazy. With the stupid right wing smack down that is going on over this crap, I have finally realized that I am not crazy.

Although…

I wish I was crazy like these dumb asses, because it would make life so much easer.

Cheers!!

And...I just thought of this...Many of those protesting Obama, would have no problem with public prayer and "Christian" leaders giving a video message and "indoctrinating" kids in public schools.

Glenn Beck and Laura Ingraham: What a Stupid Porn Flick That Would Be

I’m off on Thursdays.

And, that affords me the opportunity to watch opinion shows that I don’t normally watch.

First up on my “get to watch” list was Glenn Beck…HA…What a fucking toad.

Did you know, that according to Glenn Beck, President Obama wants to create a civilian national security force which will unarm us from our liberties?

Yes, Obama said that he wanted a national security force once, but he also said,

"…the future of our nation depends on the soldier at Fort Carson, but it also depends on the teacher in East LA, the nurse in Appalachia, the after-school worker in New Orleans..."

Beck went on to say that AmeriCorps is Obama’s way to actualize his means…Beck, upon saying this, while coming close to crying, managed to hold back the reservoir of tears.

I managed to maintain my non-crying state by thinking…
Don’t we already have a civilian military force called the National Guard?

What a fucking freak show this guy is. The sad thing is…there are more than a few people who take him seriously. I don’t think Beck takes himself seriously, but if he does?

Holy Shit…I should give up everything in which I believe, and just rail against facts haphazardly. I could be as rich as Beck, and trust me, I would shed no tears. Beck tears , crocodile tears or otherwise.

I’d be laughing…as I’m sure, Beck is at this moment, as he stocks his Mormon food pantry with prime rib, filet mignon, and roe.

Then, Bitches…I got to watch Laura Ingraham as she sat in for Bill O’Reilly. I know that it is not politically correct to make fun of cancer survivors, but…well…fuck her….She’s a bitch, and I think she’s gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ingraham has been “nearly” married many times, and yet she is unmarried.

Last night she was taken apart by one of her guests, a Brzezinski no less, and while I watched and wanted to bite her in a sexual way on her ample nose, I also wanted to punch her in the face at the same time. Man, what a dilemma.

Hell, even Alan Colmes…Alan Colmes of all people, put her in the basement last night!! Colmes couldn’t win an anti-death penalty argument with a guy eating chicken wings prior to his frying in the electric chair.

I used to like Laura Ingraham, but she has become a freak in order to keep up with Anthrax Coulter and Michelle “Jeebus Curing a Leper is Socialized Medicine” Malkin.

Holy crap, the Laura bitch is against Obama asking for September 11th to become a National Day of Service. WTF? Hey Bone-headed Bitch, are you against people helping their neighbors out?

And listen folks…If you think my breast cancer comment is out of line, bring it on…Ingraham has no clothes on this one.

She's a cunt…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: I Pray For Guidance

Schmoop went to bed early last night so I was up by myself.

I watched a repeat, I think…of Glenn Beck.

Holy Cow…First of all, that messed up dude is getting a double chin. I don’t know if the Beck-Boy is chowing down on all of those Mormon staples that he keeps in his basement or not, but man…

He looks like he just swallowed Brigham Young, Joseph Smith, or that Indian guy who claimed to be or know Jeebus…or something.

I will tell you one thing…Glenn Beck is an asshole. I mean anyone who says that Obama is a racist, is in my opinion, an asshole.

It’s kinda like Rush Limbaugh…A few years ago he said that he wanted all drug addicts to go to jail, and then it’s found out that he used some poor maid of his to acquire drugs for his own two selves. Or is that three selves?

You know…One for him…One for his ego…and one for his ginormous ass. Oh yeah, Limbaugh is a asshole. A big one.

“Wow Matt…what brought this on you might ask?” Well, my soon to be less than friends, let me tell you.

I have shoved off my, “I’ll let it slide off of me" attitude.

I am no longer going to let hate filled ego pass by with a joke. I am no longer going to allow self-importance be the a punch line.

Much like the rude, uninformed Health Care protestors, Rush Limbaugh, and Glenn Beck, I have decided to just throw out whatever comes to mind…whether it makes sense or not.

Oh Boy…this is going to be fun.

Cheers!!

Obama, Palin, Beck, Gladney, SEIU...It's A Health Care Donnybrook!!

Hey sports fans…We have a new game in town. It’s called…

Health Care Town Hall Brawl, and it's sweeping America faster than a Spanish Flu outbreak.

I have mentioned that I am not a policy wonk and am really not an expert on Health Care legislation, but I have been and remain a student of psychology.

And Boy Howdy…

Psych pioneers such as Freud and B.F. Skinner would be in seventh heaven if they were alive to study what’s going on at the Health Care Town Hall Meetings taking place across America.

It seems now that not only are angry anti-Obama Health Care Plan morons shouting down and harassing lawmakers and others who disagree with them, Service Employee International Union (SEIU) has joined the fray on behalf of getting health care reform legislation passed.

I am sooooo digging this. College football has yet to start and I am so sick of hearing exclusively about the Yankees and the Red Sox, that this new, Town Hall Brawl fills my sports need vacuum.

Allegedly, SEIU members beat up a black, T-Shirt hawking guy named Kenneth Gladney in St. Louis, and they allegedly pummeled elderly protestors at a town hall meeting in Tampa.

I used to play on the SEIU team for about 4 ½ years as an Administrative Organizer and Political Director so my interest is really peaking.

Yelling, cussing, brawling…Fuck the WWE, this health care “debate” is much more verbally and physically violent, and the anger and blood are real. Bring it on, Bitches!!

I don’t know if SEIU members are responsible for attacking anyone, and if members actually did do that, it is not something directed by the SEIU headquarters.

I can’t see Andy Stern and Dave Regan (someone I personally worked for) calling for member goon squads to pummel protestors.

Oh sure, the two of them may have joked about it behind closed doors, but those two, tight-fisted with a dollar bastards, would never pay union wages to anyone to simply put a left jab to the jaw of a moron.

Knowing Regan as I do, if he wanted to punch someone, he would do it himself. As much as he’s pretty damn arrogant, he is also uber-smart and fearless.

Getting back to the game and sport of Health Care Town Hall Brawl…A new participant has thrown herself into the game.

Our favorite Eski-Ho, Sarah “Lame and Dull” Palin has chimed in.

She says that if Obama’s plan is passed, your grandmother and her son Calculus, Algebra, or Trig, whatever the hell his name is, will have to go before the “Obama Death Panel” to see if he is productive enough to get health care because he has Down’s Syndrome.

Hey Sarah, I didn’t know until now that smoking Arctic tundra grass gave one a bigger high than marijuana. You are one fucked up woman. Anyhoo…

There’s a problem with this sport. While it is exciting, funny, sad, and full of uninformed hate and stupidity, I already know the outcome.

Team A, comprised of big Pharma, Glenn Beck-Tards, and those who think Obama is the Second Coming of Stalin want nothing done in regards to out of control costs and affordable health care options.

Team B, wants to pass an entirely comprehensive system that will bankrupt our country…I mean more bankrupt than we have been for the last ten years.

In the end, neither team will win…Oh sure, the insurance companies will win. Pharmaceutical companies will win, and those paying high premium costs and the uninsured will lose, but well...sigh...

While my inner twelve year old is enjoying watching the game, my grown-up forty-four year old is sick to my stomach, and if I want that condition treated I am going to have to pay out the ass.

Cheers!!