Ask The Bag Man

Dear Bag Man,

I had to buy my Wild Irish Rose at the Kroger grocery store last week. The chick at the checkout counter asked if I wanted paper or plastic. I froze and didn’t know what to say. How should I have responded?

--Stumped in Springfield

Dear Stumped,

This is a very good question as most Wild Irish Rose is not purchased in grocery stores, unless it’s Bert and Ethel’s Corner Market next to the abandoned Jarts factory. The answer is simple; would you really want to put something as tasty, true, and pure into something as artificial as a plastic bag? Of course not, be genuine, use paper.


Dear Bag Man,

I am a novice Wild Irish Rose drinker. I am not certain as to which flavor of Rose goes with what dishes. Any suggestions?

--Culinary Chaos in Dayton

Dear Chaos,

The great thing about WIR is that it is such a versatile vino. It goes with anything and everything. I really like the Red when I am serving hot dogs, frozen pizza, or loosemeat sandwiches. The White goes well with chicken nuggets, and really shines when complimenting fried SPAM. If you’re having one of your ladies over, I suggest a combination of oysters and Fruit Rose with Ginseng. The oysters get her motor running and the Ginseng will help you keep it running. NOTE: Unless you like having colorful stool, there is no good reason to drink the Grape.

Dear Bag Man,

A lot of my friends drink Wild Irish Rose and they LOVE it. I don’t get what all the excitement is about. What’s the big deal?

--Bewildered in Brookville

Dear Bewildered,

I could go on and on about the bouquet, the fruity taste, and the clean, crisp finish; however, it’s much more than that. At $4.09 a fifth and 18% alcohol, it’s like an inexpensive, liquid version of crack.

Dear Bag Man,

My wife has told me that unless I stop drinking Rose and get a job, she is going to leave me. She’s really a nag, and I love Wild Irish Rose. Help Me Out!!!

--Married and Drunk in Beavercreek

Dear MD,

Just tell her that it was the consumption of Rose that prompted you to ask her to marry you, so it’s only fitting that the Rose be the demise of your marriage. Try that and let the chips fall where they may.

That’s all the advice for today. Remember, a cheap buzz is only a fifth of Rose away.

And Now Our Moment of Hinn…

In for Benny today, is someone who obviously drinks Wild Irish Rose, Pastor Jesse Duplantis:

"There was a cloud that looked like smoke going up from the Throne and I heard that massive sound, "whoosh! It was power like I’ve never experienced in my life. Then I saw God’s finger barely move and when it moved, an angel that was flying near Him was thrown up against a wall. Bam! It didn’t hurt the angel."

--Jesse Duplantis