Lactating Testicles

Well folks, Corky is home and doing well. She is not happy with the food that she has to eat but that’s life. She has been busy re-marking everything in the place. She has worked her claws on the legs of the dining room table, and has been rubbing up against all of the furniture. I was so happy to have her back home that we played a little game that she likes so much.

Corky likes it when I apply milk and catnip to my testicles. She gets all crazy as she licks and paws at them. Mind you, I find it repulsive and perverse, but whatever I can do to make her happy, is very important to me. Note to self: Next vet check up, get her de-clawed…Anyhoo.

One thing I failed to mention yesterday is the weather that we are having in Ohio. Holy Moly it has been in the low 60’s for a week. Kids are playing outside, the birds are chirping, and the hookers and crack dealers are enjoying an extra week of their annual sidewalk sale. Life is good.

I guess it is time to start gearing up for Christmas. This will be the first Christmas that I will be spending with both parents gone. Dad died some eight years ago, and Mom passed away last June. I miss them both very much, but there is an upside. Money is pretty tight this year, so I guess it is good that I have one less present to buy. Oh c’mon don’t moan at that one. My mom was pretty frugal and my dad was really funny so I think they both appreciated that joke.

My family is getting together Christmas Eve…all eight of us plus everybody’s second and/or third spouse/significant other and the kids. There will be gifts galore around the tree. It is always cramped Christmas Eve, but not because of all the people and presents. The problem is trying to cram all of our massive egos into one house. Oh yeah, we all have big heads, literally and figuratively.

My son is getting excited as always. He is such a sweet kid, and he is an aberration as far as twelve year olds go. For example, his grandpa and grandma wanted to get him the new $600.00 Playstation for Christmas. The sweet little man said, “Thanks a lot, but please don’t get it because it costs too much.” I also remember taking him home from my Mom’s house a couple of years ago after our big Christmas Eve bash. His mom and I had bought him a Nintendo Game Cube system. As we were driving home I said to him, “Ryan, I hope things work out and you get your Game Cube.” He simply looked at the back seat full presents that he got at Mom’s and said, “That’s okay Dad, either way, I am one lucky boy.”…And the Matt-Man teared up, what a good boy.

Well, I am off to the store to get some more milk and catnip. And by the way, do not tell Pastor Parsley about this, for I do not want to lose my reward in heaven.

Cheers…