Rest In Peace My Friend, Rest In Peace

It is with a heavy heart that I report to my faithful readers the passing of my longtime friend Bagwine Kringle. Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. BK gave so much to so many and his passing will be felt the world around.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves” Tina and Dex, were busy wrapping presents for all of the good little boys and girls. While Tina and Dex selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage. He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone, because when Tina and Dex returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Dex called the paramedics while Tina tried to ply him with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles. She quickly found out that that was not the best idea. He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that resembled a poorly made marinara sauce with a stench reminiscent of bandicoot urine. Although nearing death, he was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is Bowling Ball. She is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye. Her seductive wiles are legendary. Oh sure, some women can really spread their legs wide, but Tina can take hers completely off. She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let them give her….shall we say, a facial. That of course, costs quite a bit more. Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there is good ol’ Dex Lexler, or Sarge as BK called him. He was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey. I know, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but Kringle was close. Those two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity…cirrhosis of the liver. They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they use to be…or something like that.

I guess when the paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately seeking life sustaining oxygen, but it was not to be. His two closest friends looked down upon him as they sobbed unrelentingly. And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his eye, and with his final breath said, “Don’t cry for me Sarge and Tina.”

How typical, hopefully his spirit will live on and Christmas will still be joyful. Raven will get her kitchen makeover, and Mo’s wish for the Matt-Man to finally get laid will come to fruition. Adav, I do know that BK did send you your surprise. He told me that it was “an elixir, of sorts.” If it actually makes it through customs, you’ll have it Christmas morning.

Bagwine Kringle, I will sorely miss you my dear friend. I say unto you in that great big bottle in the sky, fare thee well, and a great big Cheers to ya!!

P.S. I want to thank all of you for your concern about Corky, but she is doing just splendid. I have no idea where you got the idea she was dead, but thanks again for your outpouring...Cheers!!


Remember folks…Make sure to enter the “I Celebrated New Years with (Blankity-Blank) and All I Got Was (Blankity-Blank) Humor Contest." Deadline for entries is December 30, 2006. For details and a list of fabulous prizes click: HERE