Awhile back I wrote about changing the definition of sex. I changed the definition of have, having, and had sex to mean eat, eating, or ate a meal. This has remained one of my most viewed posts even today, mainly because several perverts type in a Google search using the words “Sex with Mom”. If you are unfamiliar with the post, you can go to it here: Damn I’m Starved, Wanna Have Sex?”Anyway, in keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex once again. I will offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, these are the rules…
Have Sex= Wrap presents
Having Sex= Wrapping presents
Had Sex= Wrapped presents
To wit, and heretofore is the following.
Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend, Sherri, and I were having sex in my bedroom when one of my brothers walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at it. Unfortunately, the little sneak also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.
During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it. They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.
When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 am, and I awoke with a thirst. I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.
One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should. It’s really quite frustrating.
I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me. Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them.
Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink egg nog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.
Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season. In fact, I hope that this weekend my son and his mom go out, buy me something nice, and then take it home and have sex. What could be more pure and traditional than that?
Merry Christmas all, and if you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I would enjoy having sex with all of you.
Remember folks…Make sure to enter the “I Celebrated New Years with (Blankity-Blank) and All I Got was (Blankity-Blank) Humor Contest." Deadline for entries is December 30, 2006. For details and a list of fabulous prizes click HERE
Cheers!!
24 comments:
I never have sex. My sister used to do it for me, conclude from that what you will. I now buy those gift bags that are made for people like me who suck at having sex.
Hahaha! Good Lord.
Sadly, I'm quite inept at having sex. I've been doing it every year since I was a kid, but I just can't quite get the hang of it. I envy people who make the act of having sex seem so easy to do.
Adav: Would that make the gift bags kinda like condoms?
Lizza: It doesnt make sense does it? You'd think after all these years of having sex one would get the hang of it. Blast it, anyway.
I'm horrible at having sex, too.
Sloppy doesn't begin to describe it.
Yes, I'm a bagger, too.
This year, most of my stuff was just getting shoved in a box (and mailed), so I didn't have to have sex at all.
The surprising thing is: Lee is awesome at having sex. I mean, when he worked at Borders, they would put him at the having sex table during the holidays and he really perfected his technique! He would qualify as a master in the field, I think -- with all the bows & extras included! You'd think some of that technique would rub off on me, but no -- I'm still sloppy and get frustrated by my lack of finesse. Bagging is the way to go this year for Mo!
Ho Ho Ho
mo
You bring up an interesting thought Mo. I could have substituted wrapping a present with teabagging a hooker. I too am sloppy at having sex. My stuff flies everywhere.
You want to have sex with me?
Ew.
Steve~
I love having sex. On the table, on my bed, at my desk...having sex is what makes Christmas fun. Oh the excitement in the kiddies eyes when they know I'm having sex.
This season, I haven't had any sex yet. I'm saving it up for one big having sex session. I like to make a prty out of it.
Get with the program Steve, and get your ass to the Pep Rally.
Wendz: I couldnt agree more, and am so glad that you'll be making it a special time this year. It is always fun to get out some tape, a sharp pair of scissors, and have sex. Cheers...
Not only do I really enjoy having sex, I'm very good at it. I like to have sex for myself, my family, and my friends. I usually have sex on the floor by the Christmas tree while I watch television. In fact, when I was in high school my mom's friends would pay me to have sex. It was fun and I got paid. I really like having sex for money. Good times!
Aisby: You never fail to enhance my stories. Sex by the tree while watching television? You're a multi-tasker!! Enjoy spending the next few days having sex with your kids!! Cheers...
I'm a dab hand a sex, me. Very neat and precise. Never done it for money, that just doesn't seem right. You have to do it yourself or maybe with the wife to give it the right feel, you know? Mind you, I'm not into those complicated tie up jobs, that's just sadistic, you need too many hands. Just give me a little tape to hold everything down.
TheBoy (Blogger isn't let me sign on and comment any more, gol darn Beta Blogger)
HA...Very Good Boy. BTW you are the second person who has said that they cannot comment on my site with their name. Do you have BETA or not? Anyway, have a good time with your mum...Cheers!!
Having sex is always best when you have a decent box, otherwise it can get pretty sloppy...
You so speak the truth Allie, my friend. It's really hard when there is no box at all.
As a teen I worked at Douglas on Saturdays. They paid about $7,00 per hour... therefor I had to have sex with every single person who bought a bottle of perfume. During Christmas shopping I´ve had sex with about 200 up to 250 each Saturday. Some of my customers seemed to be very ambitious but their smile told me I was able to satisfy all of them...
Too bad I don´t have sex anymore. I loved my work but someday it turned out I am too OLD for my sexy student job. My family and friends have quit having sex years ago... so I am blasted to waste my time living like a nun!
Anybody out there who needs professional advice for having sex on Christmas Eve?
Signed,
Sanni... who has to live without any sex and is not allowed to leave comments using her identity! Bloody life!
Wow that's alot of sex Sanni. And yet you pulled it off so well...so to speak. It's a shame we get older. It takes me forever to have sex anymore, and even then it looks like crap, and I get severe cramps in my hands. What is with the inability to post using their names on here? Anybody know?
I have not done any shopping so I am not sure there I will be having any sex at all...ever. Sad for me.
-N
I guess from now on its Anonymous sex for me?? lol
I miss having the kids here,,, they always had sex for me... Now I have to have sex all by myself... wanna watch? But be warned I have sex with scissors in my hand!
Cheesy
cripes guess I wil have to do this the hard way lol
I had sex all last night. I forgot the bows though. They would have been a nice touch...Had so much that I forgot to even post on my blog....!
Peace
Nat: My heart goes out to you. If it will help, I will think of you when I have sex next time.
Cheesy: I love it when you do it the hard way.
Odat: I hope it was safe sex, I wouldnt want ya to get a paper cut!!
Ddamn, I usually wrap my gifts with Scotch tape. I guess I should buy duct tape this year.
And Mist gets her freak on....Have a good weekend.
Hehehehehe. But wrapping presents on teh other hand is so fun. Specially if no one walks in one you.
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