I Ask the Questions Here Matt-Man

My friend Gouda, was given several interview questions from a friend of hers. She answered them HERE, and asked if anyone would like her to interview them. If so, let her know and she would put together some questions especially for the person requesting said interview. Well I asked her to question me without impunity. The following are Gouda’s questions and my well-though out responses.

1. Would you rather have a permanent smile or a permanent erection? Explain your answer.

That’s a tough one. If I had a permanent erection and was able to empty the contents of my Johnson when needed, that would lead to a permanent smile as well. However, if by permanent erection, you mean always stiff as a board and no relief, then I’ll have to opt for the upside down frown.

2. You are a condemned man and are granted the final meal of your choice. Explain each course.

I would have six Taco Bell Burrito Supremes, a case of White Castle Hamburgers, and a stick of butter. When they injected me, my bowels would open up like a New Orleans levee and leave them with a mess of liquefied entrails that has a big old P-U and F-U written all over it.

3. Armageddon has ensued in the form of nuclear war. There are only 2 people left to repopulate the planet -- you and Rachel Ray. Describe how, in the absence of firearms, you would kill yourself.

I would kill her instead. I would take my tally-whacker that has been blessed with a permanent erection and beat her over the skull until she succumbed. That would leave me alone on Earth with my continuous stiffy, what a “touching” moment. Are you listening, Lifetime Movie Network?

4. You are given a time machine for your birthday. To what "when" do you first go?

Being the patriotic American that I am, I transport myself to the moment just prior to George W. Bush’s conception and bind Barbara Bush’s legs together. Just for good measure and some extra insurance, I kick George H.W. Bush in the nuts.

5. You find, as you walk down the street, that George W. Bush is flailing before you on fire. You also note that you have a mighty full bladder. What do you do?

That’s easy; I would laugh my ass off as I pissed my pants.

Enjoy the day folks, and make sure to return tomorrow for the big party. I am sure to make it more mundane that anticipated. Cheers!!

P.S. All of the bread and milk are gone from the grocery store shelves and Interstate 71 is at a standstill; the WHITE DEATH is upon us!!