With the beginning of Lent and the sacrifice that I am making, I began to ponder something. What would it have been like if I had been Jesus Christ? Good Lord, can you imagine what our world and our beliefs would be like today, if I had been the Son of God? Hell, I even have the perfect name. In Hebrew, Matthew means “gift of God”. Is it a frightening thought or is it an idea that thrills you to the core? I think our big blue marble would be one rockin’ oblique spheroid.This line of thinking has possibilities of being a hit TV show or at least a weekly Bagwine installment through Easter. I could play the role of the Great Matt-siah. Having fun and changing history is what it’s all about my friends. Events would play out so differently.
For instance, DaVinci’s picture, “The Last Supper” would be much different. My disciples and I would be sitting around eating, but unleavened bread and bitter herbs? Screw that. We’d be eating steak, shrimp, scallops…I would even turn the pile of dirt in the corner into a few dozen kick ass chicken wings. Boo Yah baby and pass the hot sauce. Leonardo would also have to put a few hookers in the picture as well. I mean, if I’m going to be lugging a big heavy cross for a few miles I am going to do it with a belly full of good food and no pressure on my prostate.
I, being the Son of God would clear up some mysteries as well. The truth about the relationship between me and Mary Magdalene would be widely known. Were we married? Hell no. Did we have a child? Absolutely not. Were we lovers? Of course!! I nailed her six ways to Sunday, but we never produced a child because I always wore a sacrificial lambskin condom.
My quotes in the bible would be more memorable as well. Try this on…”It’s fine that you kissed me Judas, but really, was the tongue necessary?” Pretty hip, huh? Folks, I think we have a winner of a series in this train of thought. I will work diligently upon it. Until tomorrow and Stream of Consciousness Friday, go ye and sin no more.
Cheers…
NOTE: My friend odat is very upset that I have exiled my pet monkey because of the temptation to eat his brain during these meatless days. Please let her know that you understand her grief and that we love her so, but my eternal salvation is on the line. Thank you and you can go to her site by clicking HERE….Pax Vobiscum
23 comments:
Faboo!!!! I await your words of divine wisdom my Lord! My cup runneth over with WIR..pass the anchovies...
btw???
"sacrificial lambskin condom"
Brillent!
Hmmm... I also imagine the Sermon on the Mount would have a decidedly different connotation as well...
You know, I don't appreciate being forced to participate in this sacrilege so that you may nab my VIP tickets to hell. It just won't work, do you hear me???
Anchovies...YUM-OH. I knew you would appreciate a good condom remark Cheesy.
HA, indeed it will Allie. Dont fret, there will be plenty of room for all of us in the nether region.
Love thy neighbor as thyself????
Thanks Mattsiah for the shout out...I may have some forgiving to do...but am yet undecided....
Peace anyway....hehe
I hope you find the Lamb of Peace within your soul Odat, along with a schtickle of mint jelly. Dee-Lish.
Mattshiah, you give new meaning to "a slip of the tongue"
And none of that "loaves and fishes" crap, right? If you were the magic man, you'd be feeding the masses with filet mignon and garlic biscuits (like the ones from Red Lobster... mmmmm), right?
Of course, you'd be turning all water into Bagwine...
Oh thank you wise one for the pop~up resurrection!
PS Mo? I have the recipe for those yummy biscuits..Want it?
Hey look watch Matt-Man walk on water haha
OMG....I can't stop laughing!
God forbid there be pressure on the prostate....no pun intended!
Mo, those biscuits are delicious, but this disturbing trend of you talking about food that I love has me questioning our friendship.
Anything for the Chessy one...
Hopefully it will be much wilder than that Roger.
Glad you got a chuckle Jillie. Of course you being a nurse should know the pain of a backed up prostate. If I can, I'll come out there and heal your foot!!
I'm just pleased to see, Matt, that you named a food "delicious" that I could actually enjoy with you. After the Spam, olives, and anchovies, I was beginning to think that we'd never actually be able to eat anything other than bacon together.
So it's bacon and Red Lobster biscuits.
And Cheese Allie, I like to eat Cheese, especially gouda!!
Now I know why my suit doesn't match....I have your top and you have MY bottoms! DAMMIT!
Too much bagwine maybe?
And you tell ME I'm going to hell???
WTF???
Yeah..I am a Heathen. I am giving up nothing. And I am happy about it.
-N
That night on the beach is so hazy in my memory Jillie. I cant remember how it happened!!
Cast not aspersions upon me Schmoop. For I am the light and the way.
I wouldnt expect anything less Nat. And I do respect an avowed Heathen...Cheers!!
Matt-siah. Hahaha!
Oh, the road to salvation (or is it damnation) would be so easy to tread if you were the Son of God.
I think you're onto something here son. The gospel of Matty according to Matty.
Looking forward to it!
Lizza, we will only know if it's salvation or damnation if I manage to not get struck down by lightning after my Matt-siah postings are complete.
Thanks Travis and I have plenty of room for an extra Apostle if you're interested.
Well, it's 24 hours later, and you haven't been struck down by flames from heaven, so congratulations.
God lets you squeak by with a lot of crap, doesn't he?
Either that or he's just waiting til the weather warms up...
I am sure that I am in his sights Janna.
well all i can say is if there is a hell you are so first in line... ha ha ha ha ha
smiles, bee
Ha...You're not the first person to tell me that Bee...Cheers!!
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