Havin' Fun with Jesus

Even though my smoke-free Lent fell through, the Messiah and I are still pretty tight. In fact...

He agreed to once in awhile appear in zany situations on the pages of Bagwine Ruminations through Lent.

So with that being said, let's have fun with Jesus!!

Are you facing death within hours or even minutes and you have led a life of sin and debauchery which will certainly cast you into the caustic fire pits of Hell?

No worries, my terminal reprobate. Pick up some Jiffy Jesus!!

That's right. Just place Jiffy Jesus in the microwave and in sixty seconds or less you'll be experiencing the sweet taste of Salvation!! Jiffy Jesus...When Heaven can't wait!!

Is your demise less than imminent and you prefer to soak in the love of the Lord at a slower pace?

No problem folks, try Crockpot Jesus!!

Toss Crockpot Jesus into the crock, set on low, and the heavenly aroma of the mercy of Jesus will fill your house, and your soul for hours. Crockpot Jesus...it's what's for dinner!!

Thanks for helping out J-C. And now...


Tonight at 11 PM EDT on I'm with Stupid on Blog Talk Radio, Jayman and I are getting raw, naked, and talking SEX!!

That's right...We will be talking about all the sex we have ever had, especially those less than typical sexcapades such as car sex...pool sex...barnyard sex.

Let me tell you, we are going to dripping in sex tonight and we want you to drip with us.

Listen in and even better, call-in with your sex stories. You can access our radio page by clicking HERE.

And if you can't listen because you will be having sex during the show, call us at 661.244.9852 we'd love to listen in.

This is going to be a huge show. So big in fact, that hours before she died, Elizabeth Taylor did a promo for the I'm with Stupid sex show:



(if the button does not work, click: twaud.io)

Thanks Liz, and to all of you, I hope to see you on the radio tonight.

Cheers!!

Joyce Meyer Is Saving Me...One Tweet at a Time

It’s Friiiiiiiday Chuckleheads, so let’s get with it ‘cause we’re losing an hour of the weekend this…um…weekend.

First up, Jayman and I gave our souls to Jesus last night as we talked about Lent on I’m With Stupid.

It was another award winning show and one which all but secured our places in Heaven.

Marty Martenstein reported live via digital recording from Catholic Ash Wednesday church services.

He took us on a tour of the church’s gift store which not only included rosary beads, but anal beads as well.

Jesus Christ himself reported from my smoke free lungs and also did a bit of stand up. It was first class.

We had a fine crowd of folks in the chat room and in addition to IWS uber-fan Dub-K calling in, so did the uber-lovely Dianne.

And let me tell ya, nobody drops the fuck bomb any sexier than Dianne.

Through it all, Jayman did not cuss, and I did not smoke. So other than reports of some folks having trouble logging in and not being able to listen (thanks BTR), it was all good.

If you missed it, please give it a listen by utilizing the magical, I’m With Stupid archive machine:

Listen to internet radio with Im With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio

This Lent thing is really coming together and I am getting messages from above that I am already being blessed.

Yesterday morning I was alerted by Twitter that none other than Joyce Meyer is now following me on Twitter.

For those of you who don’t know who she is, she is one of my favorite domestic terrorists God filled televangelists.

I hope our relationship flourishes and blesses us both, Joyce. Let’s spend the day tweeting each other; it’ll be HOT!!

Lastly…I alluded to losing an hour this weekend. That’s because we all need to set our clocks forward an hour when we go to bed Saturday night/Sunday morning.

I never forget, because...

On Sunday morning I like to cure my hangover with a half dozen McMuffins with sausage and cheese and if I were to show up ay McDonalds with my Sunday hangover and discovered they were already serving lunch, I would be pissed.

So there you have it, kids. Enjoy your Friday, your weekend, and rest up, for St Patrick’s Day is just a few days away.

Cheers!!

He Said and She Said...Listen to I'm With Stupid!!

Haven’t done this in awhile…

Time for another installment of, He Said…She Said where I and my BFF/OSP Schmoop go spontaneous with each other through the magic of Microsoft Word.

Let’s kick it, shall we?

Schmoop: I think it’s great that you’ve stopped smoking for Lent. How’s that going?

Matt: You know damn well how it’s going. It sucks. So, if you could, blow your exhaled smoke in my direction would ya please? Ima needin’ a fix.

Schmoop: Oh sure honey, no problem. I happen to have one burning right now, want a hit? Hee!

Matt: Mmmmmm. Thanks, that gave me a hard on. Time for nippy bottle of Rose.

Schmoop: Rose, and no smokie. Hmmm, interesting. Am I getting laid tonite, or are you too weepy?

Matt: Sure, if I’m not climbing the walls, but tread carefully…In my current nicotine-free state, I may be rougher than usual on ya.

Schmoop: Oooooo, yummy! Cuffs, or rope?? So, um, seriously though, want a smoke?

Matt: Fuck You. Ahhh that felt good. Glad I gave up smoking for Lent rather than cussing like our favorite son of a bitch, Jay did. Talk about difficult!!

Schmoop: Fuck yeah. I don’t know how the bastard is going to do it. I’d rather go outside and throw my own shit at rabid squirrels than quit fucking cussing.

Matt: Yeah well, he’s a trooper, or should that be, trouper? Hell, I don’t know, and really don’t give rat’s ass. I just hope Jay like me, sits in favor with the Lord when all this Lent shit is over.

Schmoop: Amen.

Matt: Ha. Well that’s all I got. I mean, other than beads of withdraw sweat dripping from my nose, so say, “Goodnight Gracie.”

Schmoop: Goodnight Gracie.

And now…

Tonight on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST, Jayman and I will be discussing Lent and what we have foolishly given up.

We’d like to hear from you, and what if anything you have given up as well.

In addition to that, Jesus will be reporting live from my lungs and Marty Martenstein, our fave Jew reporter, may ironically enough, be reporting from a Catholic Church.

Oh, the Holy-Hijinx that will ensue!!

Anyhoo…

Please catch Jayman and me on I’m With Stupid tonight on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST.

The number to call in is 661.244.9852 and you can access our radio page by clicking HERE.

While we hope you listen , we know one person who won't, and that would be Pat Robertson...The crazy man trashed us just yesterday:



(if the button doesn't work, click where it says, "twaud.io")

Until I see you tonight on the radio…

Cheers!!

No Smokin'...No Cussin'...Know Jesus

This is it folks…It’s Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent-a-Palooza 2011.

Christ is once again living out his last forty days on Earth and I am living a life of sacrifice in his honor.

This year as many of you know, I am giving up cigarettes for Lent. My partner in internet radio crime Jayman, is giving up cussing.

What a bunch of shit.

Come Easter, as always, Christ will resurrect himself and end up on streets paved with gold, and what do I and Jayman get out of it?

Damn right…heartache.

But, because we are superhuman we shall persevere just to prove that we are superior to ourselves. What? Anyhoo…

Already I can feel the mucus heaving itself from my lungs in a sea of green that would rival the discharge from Paris Hilton’s vagina.

My lungs rale bilaterally in an incoherent cacophony similar to a Sarah Palin speech, and…

My thoughts are manifesting themselves like the discordant verbal ponderances of a Charlie Sheen ustream episode.

Things…are…not…well, but…

It’s all for The Lord, and at some point I shall lie down in green pastures…and then smoke the shit out of it….Sorry…I’m fine.

Anyhoo…This week on I’m With Stupid, Jayman and I are honoring the Lord and Lent by discussing my non-smoking and Jay’s non-cussing.

It should be, a God Damn Hoot!!

It could actually be a semi-silent show this week as Jayman will be afraid to say anything lest he cuss, and I will be tapping my nicotine starved hand on my computer table.

So, we would really welcome your fucking calls this week in order to break up the muted smoke-free monotony.

If you’d like to join in, you can access our show page by clicking HERE. And as always…

The number is 661.244.9852

If you’ll excuse me, I see an old woman walking by my window and I am going to go beat the hell out of her for no reason.

Happy Ash Fucking Wednesday, and as always…

Cheers!!

Mardi Gras? Screw That, It's Matty-Gras!!

Well here we are. And exactly where are we Matt-Man, you may ask?

In less than 24 hours, I am giving up smoking; for today is Mardi Gras and tomorrow Lent shall begin.

In the past, in spite of my loathing of organized religion in general and the Catholic Church in particular, I have always made a sacrifice during Lent.

In the past, I have given up meat, and last year I gave up pasta and bread, but this year will be a monumental challenge as I am giving up something I have made oral love to for some 30 years.

No, not Schmoop, you idiots…I haven’t known her THAT long.

I’m talking cigarettes.

At midnight Tuesday Night/Wednesday Morning my addiction and love for nicotine, carbon monoxide, arsenic, and my fave, tar, shall come to an end. However…

Between now and then I am going to smoke 8,000 cigarettes and I don’t give a fuck what kind they are, but I digress…

I’d like to say that I am doing this for myself, my son, and my future, but I am not.

I am going smokeless for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You see…

Centuries ago, Jeebus was put into bondage and bore a terminal cross at the hands of Pontius Pilate…Me?

I am in bondage and bear a deathly cross cast upon me by a guy named Phillip Morris. However…

I shall purge myself of this evil man’s grip on me and in the end, exalt the power and beauty of Christ. I’m fucking cool like that.

Now I did pray that Mary Magdalene would descend naked from the sky and help to distract me from the smoking thing, but I have something better, and perhaps a bit of alternate Divine Intervention on my side…

For just as Mardi Gras ends and the somber season of Lent begins, the parting and flooding of Schmoop’s Red Sea has abated and she is now dry.

While Jeebus wouldn’t cough up the lap of luxury that is Mary Magdalene in order to alleviate my oral fixation, he has given me back the Schmoop.

I appreciate that, and I shall, instead of smoking, feast on Schmoop’s God given Land of Milk and Honey until Easter.

So, at least this year as I am having sex instead of smoking today, this day, and in fact all 46 days of Lent shall not be known as Mardi Gras, but rather Matty Gras.

And let me tell ya…

Schmoop is gonna get at least one set of beads every damn day, because man, if my mouth ain’t smokin’ a cigarette, it’s gonna be smokin’ something.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

Mike Huckabee: Political Whore of Babylon

Happy Hump Day chuckleheads let’s spoon out some hodgepodge, shall we? Great…

First up, Bagwine Ruminations’ ol pal Mike Huckabee is in the news.

The Huckster said in an interview yesterday that President Obama grew up in Kenya.

This came as news to all, especially Obama himself who never realized that the Catholic schools he attended in Indonesia were actually Muslim Brainwashing factories located in Nairobi.

Guv? As an alleged man of God, who may run for President, pick a side, because it is impossible for anyone to run for President AND be a man of God.

Huck went on to say that his Kenyan roots led Obama to BELIEVE that the British were Imperialists. Ha. I never realized that one had to grow up in Kenya to KNOW that the Brits were Imperialists.

The worse thing about that statement by Huck is that if he doesn’t know that the Brits were Imperialists, he may as well open up a MENSA Chapter with Sarah Palin.

Oy…

One week from today is Ash Wednesday and I shall be going Smokeless for Jeebus!!

Yes, in just seven short days I shall being giving up my cigarettes for at least the forty-six days during Lent.

Hopefully, the Lord will feed me nicotine through the process of Holy Osmosis or someone will surely die.

Lastly…

Tomorrow night on I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio at 11 PM EST…

Jayman and I will be celebrating the Life and Times of Charlie Sheen. We will be talking not only abut Charlie Sheen but all of our fave celebrity train wrecks.

From Boy George to George Michael to Larry Craig to Gary Busey, Lindsay Lohan, and Mel Gibson.

Kim Fragile may even being doing a Live Remote from the Betty Ford Center.

Having fun with the demise of others always makes for good radio. In fact, Charlie Sheen did a promo for tomorrow night's show…



(if the play button doesn’t work, click twaud.io)

It shall be a good time and we hope you listen and call in with your favorite stories of celebrity demise at 661.244.9852.

That’s I’m With Stupid Thursday at 11 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio. You can access our show page by clicking HERE.

That’s all I gots for today. Happy Hump Day and as always…

Cheers!!

Lent 2011: So Let It Be Written; So Let It be Done!!

For the first time in a long time, I smiled and even laughed for an extended period on Twitter last night.

It was odd.

Usually, I have a laugh here and there, but early Monday night for a period of twenty to twenty-five minutes, I smiled and chuckled the entire time.

It was refreshing, and well, for lack of a better term, nice.

For a brief moment in time, Twitter was not filled with the “look at me”, “follow me”. “please empathize with my latest crisis” comments.

I was for a short time, talking with people who were not only having fun, but making sense as well, and…

No drama or theatrics!!

I dug it. And seriously, I have mixed feelings about Twitter. I both love it and hate it.

I enjoy talking to folks in near real time about stuff from the empirical to the existential, and the silly to the sublime provided we’re just having fun, and yet…

Twitter is also a Junior High School playground fraught with jealousy, hurt feelings, and turf wars. Yeah, that aspect makes me sick and one I constantly try to contribute to avoid.

However…

Amongst the less than adult, but more than juvenile fun I was having with some new friends last night, I was inspired…

A new found Twitter friend, Kathy, quit smoking at noon on January 15th. Beginning March 9th (Ash Wednesday) I will begin my annual Lenten struggle and refrain from smoking for 46 days.

After that, hopefully I shall never smoke again…be it Lent or not, ‘cause, well…I ain’t really Catholic.

Anyhoo…

The odds are against me.

Just as Ryno’s mom asked me what my layoff meant for HER, Schmoop asked me what my impending non-smoking meant for HER.

Obviously, all my sorrows and sacrifices will be carried solely by the Holy Baby Jeebus and me, alone or together…or whatever…or…you know what I mean.

But as much as (and I don’t know how) Charlton Heston (Dead) rebuked the advances of Anne Baxter (uber hot) in The Ten Commandments, so come March 9th shall I rebuke tobacco.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

Cheers!!

Lent 2011: I Am Leaving My Walk Through The Wilderness Up To You

Every year at this time, I begin to think about something…

What should I give up for Lent?

This year, Lent begins relatively late (March 9th), but I have already begun to think about what 46 day quest of sacrifice and ultimate glory that I shall traverse this year.

In the past I have given up meat, and last year I gave up all forms of bread and pasta.

My willpower is such, that neither of those abstinences provide anything more than mere discomfort.

So…this year? I am setting my sights higher, and want to have a real challenge. I am asking you to help me.

Do you have any ideas as to what I should give up between Ash Wednesday and Easter Morning in order to test my holy mettle?

I have a few ideas…

I could give up meat (as I have done before).

I could give up bread/pasta (as I have done before).

Or…

I could give up one of the following:

Alcohol…That would be tough, especially since I live with a bitter, heathen woman.

Cigarettes…That would be even tougher. Oh Dear God, I do love my Marlboro Lights.

Sex…Ha…Just never mind that idea. I may live with a bitter, heathen woman, but damn…she’s hot!!

NOS/Energy Drinks…You may not see this as difficult, but trust me…NOS is my crack.

Cussing…Either in spoken or written form, this would probably be the most difficult in comparison to all of the aforementioned suggestions.

Blogging…That would be rough, and what fun would it be if I couldn’t post abut how fucking crazy I was going!?

So, those are some suggestions. Let me know what you think, or if you have something else in mind with which to torture me during the 46 days of Lent, lay it on me.

I’ll be home all day on this introspective Monday, so let me know what ya think.

Yours in Christ, and as always…

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: Christ Is Risen!! Pass Me Another Slice of Pizza and Wash It Up, Schmoop!!

Happy Resurrection Day, Bitches!!

Jeebus has moved away that big ass stone and is now walking around in search of Mary Magdalene so he can tell her he’s back and that he wants to toss her salad.

I am going to go see Ryno this morning for a little bit, and then I am headed back home in order to end my six week breadless sojourn and eat pizza.

And when I say that, I mean eat pizza…all…damn…day.

Schmoop and I have been having a craving for Pizza Hut, so we are getting a large pan crust Super Supreme, and a large thin crust Meat Lover’s.

Holy Cow!! My arteries are getting as tight as my dick is hard just thinking about it. Oh Baby!!

Schmoop’s brother may be over for an Easter Service beer, but other than that, we will just be hanging out and eating…alot.

I may post some pictures of the gastronomical orgy later today, but other than that, I just plan on feeding my bread need, becoming one with Jeebus, and perhaps getting some of this for dessert…

Oh yeah…Praise Jeebus!!

Happy Easter All, and may you enjoy the day.

Amen, and Amen.

Cheers!!

Jesus: He's Still Dead

ONE

MORE

DAY

Today, I am working 11 A.M. until 9 P.M...tomorrow? I am eating food that isn't good for me from 6 A.M until Midnight.

Cheers!!

I Like Mascots And Donuts, But Gloria Allred Is A Khunt

I usually reserve my more hodgepodgical posts for Hump Day as I am a fan of alliteration but I shall break tradition and parlay some various thoughts and bon mots upon you today instead.

I guess we shall consider today, Mélange Monday. Mmmkay?

Some of you may know that my son Ryno plays on his High School Junior Varsity Basketball team.

He is one of the two starting forwards and will end up as their leading rebounder this year when the season comes to an end after tonight‘s game.

However…Ryno pulled double duty during this year’s season.

During home games this year, after Ryan was finished toiling and sweating on the court with his JV teammates he would don his school’s lion mascot suit and perform as the mascot for the varsity games.

Damn right…Ryan the Lion. He digs it. And why is that? He explains as follows…

“Dad, when you’re wearing the mascot suit, you can get away with almost anything. Especially with the chicks.”

Here’s to Ryno…He is definitely his father’s son, although his ego may even be bigger than mine. It’s a toss-up at this point.

Schmoop went to the grocery this past Thursday. She was very kind and bought things I could eat without breaking my Lenten promise to eat no bread. She even knew that, oddly, I have had a sweet tooth of late.

So, what did she buy for me to feed this rare occurrence? Donuts!! Donuts, folks!! Hello…Deep fried what? That’s right…Deep Fried Bread!! Jeebus, Mary, and Joseph, people.

She says that it was an assident. Uh-Huh…She’s the fucking devil trying to tempt me. If she didn’t have such nice tits, and an impeccable hoo-ha, I’d exorcise her right out of my life.

But it’s okay…I have a defense.

I have set up the cabinet in which the donuts sit in a way that will prevent me from eating them…

Damn right, Bitches…Dashboard Jeebus will guard against me slacking from my commitment.

Oh I just had an extemporaneous thought…Is there a bigger fricking whore in world than Gloria Allred? I don’t fucking think so. God, she’s a khunt.

I am not a big celebrant of Birthdays but today is one very special Birthday…um…day. A great American who is responsible in great part for who we United Staters are today.

No, not George Washington. Washington was gay. Hell, George and Bend-a-Dick Arnold use to go down on each other behind the stables before Arnold cheated on him with Major Andre and was deemed a traitor.

No folks…I am talking about one Scott Oglesby who authors the very funny, Zodi’s Blog. Ol’ Scotty turns 37 today.

Scott no longer lives in the States; he lives in Spain. But I won’t hold that against him. I just figure he wanted to move to a country where it was socially acceptable to bathe in olive oil and take a nap six times a day.

Anyhoo…Happy Birthday to Scott. I even gave a present to Scott without his knowledge..

Last night, I had hot, sweaty, monkey sex with the Donut-Buying Devil that is Schmoop , and I had her call me “Scott” the entire time.

I hope you could feel it last night Scott. It’s the least I could do for you, and on top of that?

I figure now since I did that for you, the next time I have sex with Schmoop she’ll let me call her, "Tyra."

Cheers!!

Well There Ya Go...

Okay folks…

I am giving up bread and pasta, and the such for Lent, but evidently that isn’t good enough for a handful of you.

I hate to punch down, but in this case I feel the need.

So, this an open letter to those of you who feel I am not giving up enough…

Dear Head Up Your Ass,

You are bordering on the brink of taking every little bit of fun out of Lent. Yes, I know I’m not Catholic, but I do so enjoy this time of year.

And…

It pleases me. I enjoy showing some self-discipline. However, I have none where jerks are concerned.

Especially ones who have some uber-competitive feelings toward me. (For whatever reason)

Listen…I have been told in the past that fish was meat when I was giving up meat…blah blah blah, by you and others.

WTF?

Who the fuck are you to tell me what I give up and what I don’t? That’s right…no one.

I have held these feelings back for awhile, but this year I am not only purging my body of bread, I am purging it of folks who have unfounded issues with me.

If you have issues with me, don’t say, “we”…don’t say “us”. I’ll address any issue and take criticism better than anyone.

Stand Up, Man…

Cheers!!

Using Another's Path Doesn't Make You A Follower

“I got to say, you get absolutely no support from me. It's not that I don't want to see you succeed in your own personal sacrifice (that's a good thing) but to do it when the church is doing it, that's sucking up to the church…” --Micky-T

My buddy Mick uttered those words in a comment to me yesterday as I began my 46 day long Lenten sacrifice of not eating bread, pasta, etc.

I was slightly amused at first, because I know how Mick hates the Catholic Church and many religious things in general. And…that’s cool, the Mick-Man is his own man and a good guy.

I thoughtfully pondered his comment. Within my mind Mick’s comment raised a good point, but not the one which he had initially proffered.

Allow me to ‘splain…

Four years ago I began giving up meat for Lent. Well, that had become easy and lacked challenge. I almost looked forward to it, because it offered me an opportunity to come up with off the wall meatless recipes for six weeks a year.

So this year, I opted for giving up bread, pasta, and the like…and that’s where we are today.

Of course…that doesn’t answer the question of why I began doing this, nor does it address the concerns raised by the aforementioned Mick.

Back in 2005, before I even began this site, I had ballooned up to 270 pounds and started dieting. Four years ago, I still weighed some 225 pounds. I had hit my wall. I couldn’t lose anymore weight.

I had just gotten my Driver’s License in February of '06 and I hated the picture on it. My head was incredible evidence of how big I had gotten, and I didn‘t like it. In fact, I hated myself. So…

Lent was drawing nigh and I thought…What can I do to push myself over this wall of weight stalemate? And then it dawned on me.

Lent is coming up, I’ll give up meat for those six weeks and eat healthier. I managed to make it through the first Lent and continued the same the sacrifice up to this year.

Today I weigh 173 pounds, and as far as that part of my life goes, I dig it.

I weigh less than I did in High School, although the weight has shifted since then, and I had more teeth and hair, so I still looked better in High School than I do today, but nonetheless…

But, it goes far beyond the weight thing. When my No Knead for the Devil Tour is done come Easter, I will feel better about myself because I accomplished something.

You see…I’m pretty smart, fairly creative, and a hard worker, but I lack discipline. I’m a big picture kinda guy who says, “Fuck the details.”

Using Lent as a timeline to get something done gives me structure for at least part of the year, and it affords me the opportunity to know that if I put my mind to something I can get it done.

It’s not at all about the Catholic Church, but it does in a roundabout way have something to do with religious teachings.

How can I, as it is written in Leviticus, love thy neighbor as thy self, if I don’t love myself? How can I do unto others, as the Sermon on the Mount teaches us, if I don’t want to do a damn thing myself?

No, this has nothing to do with any church, Catholic or otherwise. This is all about making myself a better person. A stronger person. A person who can answer the call when met with change and challenge.

And yes…it really is that simple. I like doing it for myself.

Before I go, I want to post a video for Clay Perry. He made me laugh last night and he digs Schmoop so here it is…

A Half Naked Thursday video that Schmoop and I did a year or so ago. She’s uber-cute at the very end. Enjoy.

Cheers!!

Lent 2010: No Knead for the Devil

This is it…That’s all there is…There isn’t any more. Bread that is.

Lent has begun and I shall not eat any bread, pasta, or bread related products until Easter Morning.

This 46 day trek through the frightening, desolate, and crust-less wilderness has begun for yours truly.

Weep not for me.

Instead of your tears offer me hope, encouragement, and if at all possible, if you’re a hot babe, naked pictures of yourselves in order to distract me during this time of toast-less tribulation.

If you can do that for me and along with my own belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus, I shall be strong and will be able to say:

"Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Bread, I shall fear no piece of toast…no loaf of garlic bread, no steaming plate of macaroni and cheese…deep fried or otherwise."

I will stand with courage in the face of the leavened loaf and the palate tempting pasta.

I shall not be a slave to the tempting demands of a bowl of Chicken Noodle soup on a cold winter’s day. I shall not labor under the taunting of an onion bun that cradles a juicy hamburger.

I will not supplicate myself to the steamy soup and only after removing the burger from its bondage of the bun will I ingest it.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I had my fill of bread last night. Big Macs and Filet O’ Fish may have sated my stomach, but not my soul.

Today there is no bread…no manna from heaven for me; but feel no sorrow…for I am feasting on the body of Christ.

For the next 46 days, Jeebus will be the bun of my burger, the toast with my eggs…the mac-daddy in my cheese.

My belief in the Holy Baby Jeebus will be what separates my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s breaded soullessness.

And my friends…I am not alone. For there is another amongst us who will be seeking salvation through sacrifice.

Yes indeed…As he did last year, the Cynical Bastard hizzelf, Jay, will be joining me in this 46 days of self-flagellation self denial.

Jay will be doing what he calls, Junkless 4 Jesus II: Electric Boogaloo. This brave and yearning soul will be giving up Junk Food, Soft Drinks, and…Alcohol. Holy Cow!!

Godspeed Jay…You do your Boogaloo and I’ll endure my No Knead for the Devil Tour. Together we will succeed and people will, in awe, be asking…

"Why the fuck did a guy who hasn’t been a Catholic in twenty years and one who has never been a Catholic give up all that shit for Lent?"

The answer comes from Jeebus’ mouth to my ear…

"Cuz they’re Matt-Man and Jay, Bitches!!"

Cheers!!

Lent: Give Us Not Our Daily Bread

This is it folks…It’s Mardi Gras…Fat Tuesday…the last day of joy until Jeebus is resurrected on Easter morn. Lent begins tomorrow, Ash Wednesday.

And this year during Lent, instead of giving up meat for 46 days, I am giving up bread, and bread related food. For 46 long, long days…

No bread, no pasta, no mac n cheese, no bun for my burger, nothing. It’s as if I am being crucified, but instead of brutish Dagos and uptight Heebs hanging me upon the cross, I am doing it to myself. Mea Culpa.

Ironic, this entire thing…In fact, I was discussing it with Jeebus Monday night when he stopped by to wish me luck and toss back a gallon of Manischewitz (God, I hate kosher Bagwine) with me.

I said to JC:

“It’s as though our journeys are mirror images of the other’s.

My Last Supper is Tuesday and my culinary crucifixion on Wednesday start at the beginning of Lent whereas your Last Supper and crucifixion take place at the end of Lent. Pretty Wild, no?”

Jeebus laughed, and said:

“Ha. I guess that makes you the Anti-Christ, Matt-Man. Bada Bing. I’ll be here all week ladies, and gentlemen. Make sure to try the veal and tip your waitress. Ha Ha Ha Ha. Damn…I’m funny, Bitch!!”

After saying, “Good luck with your breadless shit, Matt-Man.”…He patted me on the back, threw up on the cat, apologized, and left. He’s cool like that.

Anyhoo…

Today, Tuesday February 16, 2010 is the last day that I shall consume any bread until Easter Morning April 4th.

However there is a caveat. I weigh 174 pounds now. I told my BFF/OSP Schmoop, that if before Easter I hit 165, I shall once again eat bread as I do not want look to like a centerfold for Men of Auschwitz Quarterly.

But, there is some manna for me prior to this maelstrom of bread deprivation.

Thanks to my buddy Rat, as soon as I get off work tonight at seven, I am headed straight to McDonald's and purchasing fifteen dollars worth of bread wrapped grease for my Last Supper.

Quarter Pounders w/ Cheese, Filet O’ Fucking Fish, and of course…Big Macs. Oh how I love that middle section of the Big Mac bun that has grease, sauce, and a goodly and Godly dose of heaven on it.

I have no doubt that consuming these items will give me the first hard-on that I’ve had in a long time that occurs without me fondling myself. Praise Jeebus and pass the special sauce, my friends.

Enjoy your Mardi Gras…Mine will be spent consuming calories for Christ. And with that…I must reflect, gather strength for my breadless journey, and read my Bible.

I think I’ll begin with Genesis 19: 30-38. Damn, that always makes me hot.

Cheers!!

I Hunger For You

Every nook and cranny of her supple shape
Warms to the electric heat.
Her flexible body stiffens
Basking in the glow and the slow burn

She ejects herself into my waiting hands
I feel her soothing comfort in my sweaty palms.
I bathe her entire being with my creamy spread
I pull her towards my aching mouth.

I eat her. I smile. I crave more.

Dear God…I love toast.

©2010 Matt-Man

I do love it so. Warm, heavily buttered toast is one of the most beautiful and tasty things on Earth.

Of course, in a little less than a month, with the beginning of Lent, I will be giving up all bread products so it will be one of the things off limits for me until Easter.

And, I was worrying about pizza cravings during my 46 day trek through the wheat-less wilderness.

Pizza pales in comparison to the comfort of warm toast, dripping in cream cheese, peanut butter, or of course…Butter!!

My heart aches just thinking about not having toast for some six weeks, but my soul and belief in the Holy Soon-to-be-Nailed-to-a-Cross Jeebus will be what separates me and my wheat of willpower from the chaff of Satan’s chastising.

So let it be written; so let it be done.

I will eat as much toast as I can between now and February 17th in order to allay my bread detox. Knowing this, Schmoop went to the store in order to get a big tub of butter.

Typically we keep a small one on hand but she went all out and purchased a big tub of butter. Well, we think it’s butter…You see, Schmoop bought this…

That’s right she bought a big tub of, “Spread”.

It might be butter. It might not be. All Schmoop knew was that it was big and the name on the tub made her laugh out loud in the store.

Ha. And she calls me, my co-workers, and many of you a bunch of 12 year olds.

Who’s the twelve year old now, Mizz Thang? Uh-huh.

Cheers!!

Lent 2010: Pizza de Résistance

Now dig it, folks…Six weeks from today Lent begins with Ash Wednesday on February 17th.

As some of you longtime Bagwine Heads know, for the past three Lenten seasons I have given up meat during the 46 day run between Ash Wednesday and the resurrection of Jeebus on Easter morning.

For those six weeks during the last three years, I have not allowed the greasy goodness of meat touch my lips. No bacon, no sausage, no burgers, no pizza with pepperoni. No meat…period.

Well…This Lent, I will not being doing that (sorry Michele). For me, giving up meat during Lent is no longer a challenge…no longer a significant sacrifice.

Hell, in some ways I look forward to the meatless, pre-cross nailing weeks so I can see what types of wacky recipes I can come up with sans meat. I must demand more from myself this Lenten season.

So…

I have decided that this year, beginning on Ash Wednesday and until Easter Morning, I will not allow bread nor pasta to pass my incredibly sexy lips.

There will be no macaroni and cheese for me. There will be no Hamburger Helper aiding my craving. There will be no rolls, toast, chips, spaghetti, or pizza. Pizza, Folks!!

Praise Jeebus, and may he give me the strength to accomplish such a sacrificial and gastronomic feat!!

Bread, noodles, and other pasta type things show up in so many things I enjoy. Chicken Noodle Soup, Grilled Cheese, stuffing, and of course, burgers…and Pizza!!

But you say…

“Well Hell, Matt-Man, at least you’ll continue to eat meat this Lent. Could it really be that bad, ya big pussy?”

Oh sure I can eat meat, but is a hot dog the same when not in the form of these delicious Pigs in a Blanket that I made?

Nothing like a brat or Italian Sausage with mustard and kraut, but without a juice soaked New England Split Top bun does it taste as sweet?

My Loosemeat Sandwiches are famous, but without a greasy bun holding it all together they are but a jiggly mess of meat going unmentioned in the annals of Culinarydom.

This breadless trek will be sure to test my character, my faith, and my ability to go six weeks without eating Pizza. Pizza, Folks!!

But…There you have it. My Lenten sacrifice for 2010. We will of course address this again when the day draws nigh, but in the meantime…

Would you say a prayer for me in order to soften the fertile sacramental soil prior to my feet setting upon it and into the cold, barren wilderness of a life without bread and pasta…and Pizza!!

I thank you, and may the light of Jeebus shine down upon you.

Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Church Disservice: It's Eats-ter Morning, Praise Jeebus!!

While it is a chilly start, it is going to be a sunny and somewhat mild Easter Sunday in Bagwine, Ohio.

And the best thing? I’m off today. It’s the first Sunday I have been off in a year. Praise Jeebus!!

And speaking of Jeebus, welcome back buddy.

Those three days that you were gone while toying with the Romans, Jews, and Satan hizzelf were ghastly.

Not only is this the Day of Resurrection, it is the end of my 46 days of Meatlessness for the Messiah and my 3 day fast. Thank God.

Let me tell ya. The 3 day fast really blew. However, it did work it’s Messianic Magic.

I have officially plunged under the 180 pound weight mark. I currently stand at a shade over 177. As I weighed 187 on Ash Wednesday, I have lost nearly 10 pounds.

This three day fast thing? Holy Cow. I hadn’t eaten anything for 72 hours. I lived, on water, smokes, and beer.

You wouldn’t think there’d be anything to get rid of, but Saturday evening after work, I had a series of colon blows that were just wrong.

Have you ever peed out of your ass? Well, last night, I did. Twelve gallons of water cascaded out my porthole. Talk about your Holy Shit.

It was like my ass was the Tomb of Christ, and he pushed away the stone, and out he came in the form of an uber-wet flow of a dark sienna hued discharge.

Diet fads, be damned…The only weight loss plan one needs is the love of Jeebus Christ. Fill your soul with JC and he will clean your colon out. Amen.

Of course, now that Easter is here, it’s time to pack on a few pounds today.

And how will I do that, you ask?

Well, Schmoop and I are going to lay blankets and pillows on the living room floor, watch TV, and eat…naked…all Damn day.

Here’s a little of what’s on the Resurrection Menu…

After I stop by Schmoop’s brother’s for a few, I am headed to pick up a Crave Case of White Castle hamburgers.

Of course, weak from my fast, I’ll pick up a Burger King Sausage, Egg, and Cheese Croisan’wich on the way.

Later, we may have some chicken nuggets, and of course, what is Easter without the greasy goodness of SPAM. Mmmmmmm, SPAM. God is great!!

And here it is folks…Schmoop and I have been living in sin together for nearly nine years. She has always had one, hard and fast rule…

“I don’t care if you do cook it yourself, there will be no fucking liver in this house, Matthew.”

Well, Schmoop broke her long standing rule and rewarded my Lenten efforts.

Yep, Schmoop picked up some liver at the store for me yesterday. It is currently in the fridge soaking in milk, and waiting to be cooked up.

Jeebus loves me this I know.

So there you have it…an Easter full of meat, movies and oral sensation. I hope yours is every bit as good as mine.

Have a wonderful Resurrection Day, all. If I don’t see you tomorrow, it can mean only thing…

I fell into a meat coma.

Cheers!!

Sabbatum Sanctum

It’s Holy Saturday.

The last day of Holy Week. The day before Jeebus rises up…and most importantly…

The last day of my Meatlessness for the Messiah and the end to my 72 hour fast!!

Damn straight. The last meat I ate was clear back on February 24th. It was two Burrito Supremes and three Taco Supremes.

Yo Quiero, Jeebus Christ!! And, bitches…

My last meal period, was Wednesday night as I finished up my Velveeta and Herb Stuffing concoction at 11:53 P.M. Boy Howdy!!

I did cheat a little bit Friday afternoon. I had the Number 9 for lunch. And let me tell ya…Schmoop never tasted so good.

Purrrrrrr.

It will be close come Easter morning, but I may just crack that 180 pound threshold.

As you can see from the picture, I had Schmoop’s brother shave my head like a shorn lamb of God to give me that couple ounces of leeway.

Anyhoo…Today, in between dreaming about getting teabagged by Tyra Banks religious meditations and listening to my stomach growl, I will be working from 11-4.

The ex is bringing Ryno by work briefly, because later today he will be headed to the Chicagoland area to spend Spring Break with his aunt, uncle, and two fave cousins.

I will see him off with a kiss, a hug, a twin pack of Grippo’s BBQ chips, and some spending cash. I hope the little shit appreciates it.

Kidding…I’m sure he will.

Of course, I am also sure that when he and his mom swing by, he’ll be gnawing on a huge, delicious hamburger saying, “Hey Dad…Look. This is soooooo goooood.”

So there you have it. The end and the Resurrection are in sight. Tomorrow, I will be shoveling White Castle cheeseburgers down my throat. Amen.

Have a great day, and a lovely Easter weekend. I leave you with an Inky and Lola Easter classic...

Cheers!!

Foresaking, Pharaoh, and Fasting

Today is a HUGE day during this Super Happy Hole-ly Jeebus Week™ of 2009.

Holy Wednesday marks the day that Judas conspired with the Sanhedrin to have Jeebus arrested and rubbed out. AND…

Tonight at sundown marks the beginning of Passover. AND…This is the last day that I will be consuming any food whatsoever until Easter Morning.

Yes indeed. The Jews are preparing to leave Egypt. I’m on the eve of a 72 hour fast, and Judas is makin’ Jeebus his bitch. Christ Almighty things are happenin’!!

Now, let’s talk about this Judas/Jeebus thing. Judas betrayed Jeebus with a kiss, which identified him to Roman authorities.

In return, Judas received 30 pieces of silver.

Why did he do this? That has been a matter of much speculation. However, the answer to that question lies within his name.

Mr. Betrayal had a nasty drug habit that he had to support. He was hooked on PCP…big time. What does that have to do with his name, you ask.

You see, the name of Judas has been mistranslated over time and it was but a mere nickname anyway. His real name was Herbert.

However, being a PCP addict, those who knew him, referred to him jokingly as, “Jew Dust.”

And now you know why Herbert “Jew Dust” Iscariot betrayed the Holy Baby Jeebus. Sad.

Now let’s move on to the Jewish observance of Passover. The Jews were in bondage in Egypt, and Moses, when not dorking Anne Baxter or Yvonne DeCarlo, spoke with God.

God told him that 10 plagues would come to Egypt and that finally Pharaoh would let them leave.

So after flies, bloody rivers, and the introduction of IKEA stores invaded Egypt, God really got pissed.

He plagued Egypt with the death of every firstborn son.

Now in order to make sure that Jewish heirs were not killed, the Jews were instructed to mark their doors with the blood of a spring lamb, and the plague would Pass Over their homes.

They did. It did, and then they left Egypt. Jeez, how come it took Cecil B. DeMille four frickin’ hours to tell this story?

Anyhoo, I have always thought that since the blood of a lamb could prevent death I would try it as well.

Some years ago I had three pints of blood drawn from me and replaced with lamb’s blood. It seems to protect me well.

But, I still apply a little topically every Passover for insurance.

The only ill effects I have experienced from lamb’s blood coarsing through me and on me are the following:

I have an uncontrollable urge to eat ivy. When I shower, instead of soap, I use mint jelly, and the worse one?

Greek dudes are always tryin’ to sneak up from behind me and screw me in my hindquarters. So far, my ass has remained chaste.

Now lastly, on this most Holy Wednesday, a warning.

After today, I shall be fasting until Easter. I cannot be held responsible for what may appear on this blog during my, Caloric Purge for Christ.

If I begin to babble incoherently, do not call a doctor, a cleric, or especially a Greek dude. I’ll muddle through.

And with that, a picture of my Last Supper…

What is this meatless feast? Onion and Herb Stuffing baked with kidney beans, garlic, and Velveeta.

Oh yeah, Baby!! Is that Yum-Oh, or what?

More Hole-ly-ness to come tomorrow!!

Cheers!