Pimp My Rod

I haven’t picked on Rod Parsley in quite awhile. For those of you who do not know who he is I will explain. Pastor Parsley runs World Harvest Church and Bible College in Columbus, Ohio. It is a huge church that has attracted an enormous following and vast amounts of money to boot. He has become quite wealthy, but has remained a true man of God. That is, if your definition of a “man of God” is someone who trades “healing, anointed handkerchiefs” crafted by 11 year old Costa Rican boys for cash.

While I always have been a big fan of The Trinity Broadcasting Network, and the comedic genius divine works of Paul Crouch and Benny Hinn, Pastor Parsley has quickly become my favorite. He really won me over when he told the story (and some of you have heard me speak of this before) of how he saved two women from the clutch of Satan, he offered the following:

“…Two lesbians were having perverted sex, drinking alcohol, and snorting cocaine. But when I shouted, 'Come out' their glasses burst in their hands and they slithered out of the bed and got gloriously born again and filled with the Holy Ghost." –Pastor Parsley

I thought maybe, with the Lenten Season upon us, that it might be time for a little “come to Jesus” meeting with the Pastor…a meeting between me the Quasi Son of God, and Rod himself. He came to the Bagwine studios yesterday evening. Here is the transcript.

Matt-Siah: Good evening and welcome to our studio Pastor Parsley.

Pastor Rod: It is good to be here, wrapped in my suit of righteousness. I suppose you want to ask me about how I came to be so close to the Lord and built my powerful life changing ministry.

Matt-Siah: I am sure that’s fascinating but, no, I just wanted to ask you about the incident where you saved two lesbians.

Pastor Rod: God was moving through me powerfully that night brother Matt-Man. His salvation oozed out of me like the bloody pustules of an ebola victim. I was in my zone.

Matt-Siah: That’s cool…but what exactly were these two women doing?

Pastor Rod: They were sinning. They were being an abomination unto the Lord…Sex, drugs…reading passages from The DaVinci Code to each other…

Matt-Siah: Yes, but I---

Pastor Rod: They were writhing around on each others sweaty body. Limbs and breasts whirling around like a dervish…mouths devouring flesh like two satanic hyenas feasting on a wounded wildebeest…

Matt-Siah: Now THAT’s what I was getting at Rod cou---

Pastor Rod: And the sounds, oh the pornographic wailing. These two tormented souls performing acts more unholy and egregious than the site of Katie Couric eating a plate full of sushi in the nude…

Matt-Siah: What the fu—

Pastor Rod: And yes I was tempted but I rebuked them and their pimp…er…their demonic mentor. In my mind I said to myself, “If you want a perpetual harvest, you have to sow a perpetual seed.” And oh how I had the need for seed. But Jeeeeezus held me fast and I said, “Come Out”. And that’s when their glasses broke and they got filled with the Holy Spirit. Now if you’ll excuse me…

It was then that Rod quickly scampered to the restroom. He was in there for quite a lengthy time. I don’t know if he was praying or what, but when he came out he was furiously rubbing his hands off with one of those anointed handkerchiefs, go figure!!

See you all tomorrow and Cheers!!