Feel God's Rod Pastor Parsley

“Matt-Man my son, you shall be the rock upon which I build my Church until my Son returns to Earth.” Those were the booming words of God I heard during my slumber last night. “You have been successful in your mission of avoiding meat, and knowing how much you enjoy bacon and bratwurst, that is quite an accomplishment and testament to your devotion. Relax, and as you continue your bagwine soaked rest, I will let you know what needs to be done.”

I awoke this morning with God’s blueprint seared onto my mind and upon my soul. The new church will be named after me. It will be the Mattlic Church and the followers will of course be called Mattlics. The Lord gave me a rod much like Moses had in order to help me carry out his work. However this staff is made of faux cedar and was manufactured in China. Who knew that God was so frugal? While this is all very exciting, the Almighty’s instructions were at times quite Nostradamus-like so I am going to have to follow my instincts on some of His commands.

I am to, “Throw the money changers from their lairs, so they will no longer be on the air. Use their cameras for the world to see, that you the Matt-Man speak for me.” Now that’s easy enough. I am supposed to raid the studios of Trinity Broadcasting Network (Paul and Jan Crouch) and Rod Parsley’s World Harvest Church and beat them with my rod, expel them, and start my own televangelism ministry. However, the salvation that I am selling is free. My main office will be the World Harvest Church property and I will rename it “Mattican City”.

The Lord continued, “Free the cardinals from their cage. Let them fly happy and gay. When you do this, soon springs hope and no more silly Pope Soap on a Rope.” This is a daunting task but evidently God wants me to dismantle the Catholic Church. I’m not sure, but the French and Italian armies may actually put up a good fight over this one….Nahhhh.

“Eat some bacon, defile a cow. Muslim, Jew, and Hindu will bow to thou.” Holy shit, this better be one powerful staff because there are going to be some pissed off folks. I didn’t realize that doing God’s work was going to be so difficult. The next command was a bit more nebulous.

“You are a painter and the world is Van Gogh, drink some Bagwine and let it flow.” Upon some reflection, I figured that he means that I am to get a buzz and say what’s on my mind because I have the world’s ear. Pray for me that I might fulfill the wishes of God and cleanse this turbulent world of evil.

More details of Mattlic Church tomorrow…Until then, Pax Vobiscum and Cheers!!