Cookout Tips From The Matt-Man

With summer in full swing and the impending 4th of July celebration, many folks will be cooking out this weekend. I would be remiss if I didn’t offer to you, my readers, some very useful tips that will make your backyard barbeque party much more enjoyable.

First of all, if you have youngsters who are getting out of control and interrupting the drinking adult conversation, tell them that unless they behave your are going to cook their Beanie Baby pig, and their Teddy Bear along with the baked potatoes.

When you look into your cooler and find that you are low on ice and the beer is getting warm, don’t panic. Just grab a hold of Ann Coulter and put the beer between Ann Coulter’s legs. She will have that 12 pack iced up in no time. Just remember to wipe those cob webs away prior to serving.

Ladies, a little advice. Do not tell your man how you would like your steak cooked by using the words rare, medium, or well done. Put it in terms of how many beers he should drink while grilling it. Two beers is rare…Four beers is medium…Six beers is well done. Of course if you say twelve beers that means that you cannot stand the sight of him anymore and you want your steak to go. (Trust me on that one!!)

Lastly, when your uptight, right wing, evangelical, trophy wife neighbor comes up to you and asks, “Gee, brats and burgers again? Can’t you grill something healthier like salmon?” The appropriate reply to her is, “No. Anybody who grills salmon at a backyard cookout is a big pussy. And by the way, don’t even ask me to grill eggplant bitch.”

I hope these tips are useful to you.

Matt-Man: Burn my bratwurst, and gimme a bloody burger. Cheers!!