It's Friday And I'm Spreadin' The Love

It’s Friday folks.

The day when people half ass their productiveness at work, while licking their lips in anticipation of a martini at 5:02.

If you’re like me, Friday evening is like the day before baseball season starts, and the weekend is the entire season.

On Friday evening there are no wins or losses…

And over the course of the weekend season, there is a chance of winning the pennant in the form of a sweet piece of ass.

Fridays are days marked by hope, relief, and good moods. I am no exception.

We had a nice time celebrating Schmoop’s B-Day yesterday. We had a couple of people stop by and share some libation.

Later on, the pizza guy showed up with Hot Wings and a Serious Meat Pizza. We gorged. Yum.

So today, although suffering from Serious Meat Pizza and Hot Wing gas, I am in a very good mood.

I want to share it with all of you. The good mood, not the gas.

A couple weeks ago, I was asked to put together a short video for Vinny’s blog, The Big Leather Couch.

It was his site’s two year anniversary, and I put together a short video retrospective of his site along with music.

Here is the video:



I thought to myself, “Self, why not do that for others?”

So, because you guys have been so good to Bagwine Ruminations, if you would like me to put together a video for your site, I will.

You can use it as a type of commercial for your blog.

You can embed it onto your site or a post, and it will be forever listed on Matt-Man’s You Tube Site as well.

Pretty nifty, eh?

The videos will be no more than 2 minutes 30 seconds or so long. All I need from you is your permission and desire to have one.

Just let me know through the comments or an email if you’d like me to put one together for your site.

If I need anything for the video that I can’t find on your site, I will be in contact with you.

Is there a cost, you ask?

Nope. I just hope you continue to come back for more Bagwine and spread the word of my site to those who might enjoy it.

This is my way of thanking you for your support of me and my satirical pennings.

I do hope you will be patient with me in producing your site’s video.

Have a great weekend and see ya tomorrow for the Bagwine Ruminations Comment of the Week.

Cheers!!

Update...I deem these Blog Video Ads to be called:

Blog-Fo-Mercials©

Pigskin And Pizza Burgers

Happy Saturday to you all from lovely Bagwine, Ohio. Big college football game taking place today. The annual Ohio State/Michigan game kicks off at Noon EST. The Buckeyes of OSU will be trading blows on the gridiron with the Wolverines of Michigan, and you know who this lifelong resident of Ohio will be rooting for…NEITHER!!

I hate both teams more than I hate the taste of brussel sprouts, the sound of Ashlee Simpson’s voice, or the paralysis brought on by a burgeoning case of beriberi. Asking me to choose sides in this game is like making me choose bewteen eating at the all night beaver buffet located between the legs of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears…Either way, I end up feeling sick, guilty, and of course my tongue falls off and I go blind.

So, I will not be cheering either side on to victory, but if you are going to be cheering along and watching this game or any other of today’s contests, may I suggest eating a Bagwine Pizza Burger while doing so. They are Dee-Lish, and here’s how they are made…



I use Parmesan Cheese, Basil, Oregano, Garlic Powder, Salt, Onion. I would have used real chopped onion but oddly enough I didn’t have one on hand. I think I used the last onion to rub against my neck after I drained my goiter, but dry onion is fine…






I then mix all of those ingredients into a pound and a half or so of ground beef. If you’d rather, you can use ground chuck, sirloin, or whatever the fuck kinda beef is cheap and hasn’t yet turned brown and bloody in your grocery’s meat case.






Form the meat into hamburger patties and get ready to fry them up. (Note: If you are Dick Cheney, the process is now complete and you can begin to eat them as they are.)







Sizzle, sizzle, pop, pop…As they cook, I like to chug another glass or two of Wild Irish Rose and drop some acid, but that step is optional.







While the pizza burgers cook, take hamburger buns and spread them with butter, garlic, and pizza sauce, and brown them up in the oven. Mama Mia, my wee wee is squirming with anticipatory glee.








Prior to the cooking process ending, top the burgers with mozzarella cheese, and a few pepperoni slices. Yum-OH!!












Ahhhhhh Mangia!!











These burgers came out very well. I should have used a bit more oregano, so if you make these, go heavy on that. Next time, I may put the sauce and cheese directly in the burgers. Overall, I would give these delights a B+…

Enjoy your Saturday, enjoy the games, and if you’re up for it, get into the kitchen and enjoy my meat!!

Cheers!!

Gettin' Jiggy With The Crazies

As one who likes to help out those less fortunate than me (although finding those less fortunate than me is getting harder to do), I am offering up my blog today to a few clients from our town’s newly opened Mental Health facility, Krazy Kare. As part of it’s Grand Opening, Krazy Kare is holding a dance/fundraiser where community members can donate and spend the evening literally tripping the light fantastic with a patient.

The owner, Dr. James Jones has asked me to post pictures and brief statements of those patients who have yet to be chosen as a date for the night. I was more than happy to help enable the patients to experience a therapeutic night of dancing and escape, albeit for only a couple of hours, from their normally fucked up lives. So, if you have a heart and want to help, consider donating and dancing with one of the following people of need…



HI…I WANNA DANCE. PLEASE!!? I ATE A LEPER ONCE AND MY INSIDES FELL OUT. IF WE DANCE, DON’T STEP ON MY FOOT, ‘CAUSE THAT’S WHERE I KEEP MY PANCREAS. IF THE MUSIC STOPS, WE CAN KEEP ON DANCING BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT SHOVED AN IPOD IN MY HEAD RIGHT AFTER I SURVIVED THE SINKING OF THE LUSITANIA BY FLOATING ATOP A VERY ACCOMMODATING GIANT SEA CUCUMBER.




Hi Fellas (and Ladies ; ). I am ready to tear up the ballroom floor. I need to feel a firm body against mine. I haven’t felt a body against mine since I dug up Richard Nixon’s corpse and spent the night licking his decaying clavicle. We will get along just fine unless you mention Muslims or Jews, in which case I’ll have to poke your right eye out with my Adam’s Apple.




Good day Ladies…My name is Roderick P. Whitworth. I’m an incredibly wealthy mutual fund manager. I have graceful moves and am always a gentleman. I am a graduate of Harvard Business School, and own six houses on three different continents. I like to cook, clean, and write poetry. I humbly hope you have the time for a waltz or two with me. Thank you.




Gauphin boo banger ringo. E=MC2...I=MC Hammer….Can’t Touch This!! Yes, please do touch this, no wait…Gronnnnnnnk, birdie doo birdie doooo. Castor Oil is nothing more than a cognizant pigeon. All Clear, All Clear…Pineapples make great policemen. Gotta go, my lighthouse is crying.






Ladies, Roderick P. Whitworth here again. My dead mother smashed a chair over my head and told me to fess up. I am NOT a wealthy mutual fund manager; I am a lawyer…A lawyer from a futuristic society ruled by Zodor the Magnificent………Also, I eat my own feces and frequently masturbate to pictures of Oliver Cromwell. I hope this new information does not dissuade you from cutting the rug with me. Thank You.


These people need your help, please make it happen for them. Cheers!!

Fall And Rememberance

'Neath the purple swirling haze of Autumn

The languid cry of the last cicada

Weaves a dirge with an orphaned cricket

As fields lie barren from stream to thicket.

--Matt-Man


Autumn is now a full week into its cycle of change. Forty shades of green are giving way to a canvas awash in yellow, red, and orange.

Schmoop and I were discussing the seasonal transformation last night. After a couple of drinks, our conversation about the change of seasons dissolved into a reminiscence of how the world has changed over the years.

We began to talk about all of the good things that we miss from our younger years. Now don’t get me wrong, we both appreciate many of the changes that have taken place over the years, but we agreed, there are some things in life that we truly miss. Our conversation finally gave way to the urge to sleep, but I continued to reflect on my younger years and I came up with a list of items that I truly miss in everyday life.

Without any further, poorly written syrupy set-up, I offer you…The Things I Miss.

I Miss…

The days when eating fast food was a treat rather than the norm.

Sitting in my dad’s garden eating cherry tomatoes right off the vine on a hot summer day.

Swatting fireflies from the air with my wiffle ball bat under the warm July twilight.

Radio stations programming their own music.

TV Repairmen who did house calls.

White T-Shirts gently waving on a clothesline.

The times when an eight year old boy kissing his sweetheart was considered youthful innocence rather than sexual harassment.

My mom, dad, and brother Phil.

Calling my brother Vince by the name of “Joe” for the first six years of my life because that’s what my older brothers and sisters told me his name was.

Eating Peanut Butter toast and drinking chocolate milk while watching Bugs Bunny on a Saturday morning.

Scalding my mouth on the mashed potatoes from a TV Dinner.

The bygone era when special interest groups, the government, and organized religion didn’t force their views and policies on people and allowed folks to be responsible for their own choices…

These are just some of the things that I miss. What are some of yours?

I am off to go have my ass kicked in basketball by Ryan in a few. I’ll be back later today. In the meantime, enjoy your Saturday and Cheers!!

Sunday Morning Silence

Ahhhh…Sunday morning. Is it me or does coffee taste better on a Sunday morning? I woke up early today and am enjoying some coffee along with quiet streets, the morning news providing a muted background noise, and the autumnal equinox making its silent appearance. Nice.

As I sit here enjoying the silence, I think how appropriate it is that this morning it was reported that the greatest mime of all time, Marcel Marceau, has passed away. The man who portrayed such muted characters as Bip the Clown has moved on to that big invisible box in the sky. A professional to the end, it has been reported that his last words were: “..............................................................”

In spite of the morning silence there is a buzz afoot. Iran’s President Alphabet is coming to America today. He’s not allowed to visit ground zero, but he will be speaking at Columbia University. This of course has folks like Bill O’Reilly and others at FOX News peeing in their pull-ups. They are outraged that the university is giving him a platform with which to spew his hate.

Am I to believe that if O’Reilly or Brit Hume had the opportunity to do an interview with the Persian Pontificator and air it on FOX that they wouldn’t drop everything and do it? Of course they would…Shut up and change your panties boys!!

Lastly, on this day that the Almighty and the NFL have made Sabbath, I leave you with the following entreaties:

May your wings be hot and you beer be cold…Lord Hear Our Prayer

May your favorite team cover the spread…Lord Hear Our Prayer

Win or lose against the Seahawks, may the Cincinnati Bengals return from Seattle without any of their players being charged with DUI, Assault, or Sexual Imposition…Lord Hear Our Prayer

Amen and Cheers!!

Sunburns and Birthdays

I am a bad man…a bad, bad man. I haven’t posted and have not read your blogs or even responded to your comments the last couple of days. I havent even been answering my e-mails. The distractions started late Friday morning.

My brother, Party Marty, called Friday and asked if I would like to go golfing with him. Since he offered to pay, I said, “Hell Yeah!!” We got a cart, a cooler full of Miller Lite, and a box of 24 golf balls. Four hours and eighteen holes later, we had nine balls, no beer, and I had a atomic sunburn on my big bald head. I looked like a stocky, upside-down thermometer. When I got home I was so pained and drained, that I just had a couple of glugs of Rose and fell asleep on the couch.

Saturday morning, I was going to post an Inky and Lola cartoon, but when I turned on my computer I read an e-mail that stated the following:

Mr. Matt-Man,

We the undersigned, will no longer perform acts of frivolity for either you or your readers until we are fairly and duly compensated. Until you move beyond your Wal*Mart ways and acknowledge our worth to your site by compensating us, consider us on strike.

Solidarity,

Inky and Lola
North American Stick Figures Union, Local VIII

I am all for compensating Inky and Lola, but I have one question. What the hell do you pay a stick figure? Also, if they demand health care, will I have to hire a tree surgeon? I’ll report back on the progress, but you can see what has been distracting me from my typical blog regimen.

On the upside of life, today is a big day here in Bagwine, Ohio. Today marks the birthdays of Schmoop’s brother Dave, my old girlfriend and finger flipper Sherri, and the one and only Bill Clinton.

Dave turns 54 today. The bastard doesn’t look like it, but he is indeed 54. In honor of his B-Day, we will watch baseball, eat food that isn’t good for us, and drink a good bit of alcohol. Cheers to you David.

Sherri turns 43 another year older today. In honor of her birthday, I am going to have a vision of how much fun we had some 20 years ago. I guess that is not much of a present for her, but it will give me a smile and a hard-on for a couple of minutes this afternoon.

Lastly, we have the birthday of Bill Clinton. In his honor, I asked Schmoop to put on a blue dress and give me a blow job. She didn’t say yes or no, but I think by her putting a cigarette out on my forehead indicates that it won’t be happening. I guess I’ll just smoke a cigar.

So folks, that’s what has been going on in my life. I hope you have been enjoying your weekend. If you get a moment, please wish these three fine folks a Happy Birthday, and I'll try to catch up with you all. Cheers…

NOTE: Catch Turnbaby’s BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 8 EDT. For details, click HERE.

Bagorian Communion

I hope that your weekend is going well. I will, as promised, post a pictorial of the making of the best damn sandwich in the world, The Loosemeat Sandwich later today.

In the meantime, I am holding a Bagorain Islam service this morning and it is time for me to consecrate the wine and the bread..."In the name of Fast Eddie Karbunckle, The Bavarian Pretzel, and The Holy Rose, Cheers."

I feel spiritually cleansed already, and I hope you do as well. Please stop by later today for the beauty that is Loosemeat.

Cheers!!

Poll Question Results: You 17.6 Per Centers are right on the money. One question. How did you know?

Note: Tune into Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show tonight at her NEW time, 8PM EDT. For details click HERE...

In The Name Of The Father, The Son, And The Breakfast Buffet

I am off to meet my old friend Sherri, at Frisch's. I am going to experience one big Sunday mornin' love making session. No, not with Sherri, but with a plateful bacon, eggs, and sausage!! Come to me baby.

I'll be sure to report back in the near future. Later today, I will be taking pictures and giving the recipe for what I am cooking tonight. What is it, you ask?

BAGWINE BURGERS!!

I think you will be captivated. Don't worry, Bagwine is not one of the ingredients, but it helps if you make and cook them while drinking Wild Irish Rose.

Until later today, Cheers!!

NOTE: Make sure to listen to Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 6:00 PM EDT. For details, click HERE.

P.S. It's good to see that the majority of you got the poll question correct!!

Inky and Lola: Good Stick-Doggie...Good

Click On Cartoon To Enlarge

Bagwine Ruminations Welcomes "Fetch"

Enjoy your Saturday everyone and Cheers!!

NOTE: Make sure to listen to Turnbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show Tomorrow at 6:00 PM EDT. For details, click HERE.

Ah Yes, We Think Our Pigs Are Swell!!

I think Mr.Happy Glove likes them!!

And I hope you do too!!

CHEERS!!

Pigs In A Blanket

Okay folks here we go....I opened up the dogs and sliced some Velveeta!!

I place a piece of Velveeta in with the dog and wrap the crescent roll!!

I place the wrapped dogs cheese and crescent roll within a pan...We are getting sooo very close.

CHEERS!!

Sunday Dinner With God

I have always wondered if God and his family get together for a big dinner, like so many Americans do after Sunday Church services.

I don't know if they do, but I can imagine some of the conversation as they sit around a table full of steaks, brats, taco salad, and drinking Wild Irish Rose. What? You think they'd eat something different? Pfffft, one doesn't get to be The Almighty by eating bitter herbs, fish, and drinking Mineral Water. Trust me, God didn't get to where is his by eating meals made for pussies. He likes his meat and Rose.

Anyway I bet this is how the dialogue would go....

God: What did you do this week my Son?

Jesus: I nurtured some children, healed some lepers, and spent yesterday playng hide and seek with the Holy Spirit...I could never find him. What about you Father?

God: Oh for kicks, I stole one sock from everyone in California that was doing laundry this week. And then last night I had hot kinky sex with your Mother, but don't worry it was all very immaculate.

Mary: ...giggle...

Joseph: Asshole...

Yeah I can see that happenin'....

I didn't make my Pigs in a Blanket Friday, so I am making them tonight. I'll try to post some pictures later today as they progress from package to stomach. Until then, Cheers!!

Note: Make sure to listen to Turbaby's BlogTalk Radio Show Tonight at 6 P.M. EDT. For Details Click Here.

Inky And Lola: Stiff Neck Blues

Click On Cartoon To Enlarge

I am off to the Farmer's Market. Enjoy Your Staurday, and Cheers.

Note: Make sure to listen to Turbaby's Blog Talk Radio Show Tomorrow at 6 P.M. EDT. For Details Click Here.

Let's Get Jiggy With Jesus

If you read my post this past Thursday you are aware that I have converted to Bagorian Islam. However, since today is the Sabbath for my readers of the Christian persuasion, I am re-releasing the big dance hit that I wrote for Little Eva and the Tomb Raiders this past Lenten season...Enjoys today's church service.

THE RESURRECTION

Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now
(C'mon baby do the Resurrection)
It’s Son of God approved
So give it a chance now
(C'mon baby do the Resurrection)

It’s pissin’ off the Romans and the Pharisees
It's easier than learning your I X Vees
So come on, come on,
Do the Resurrection with me

You gotta die on a cross now
Come on baby, jump up, hmmm get nailed
In three days you’ll begin to inhale

Whoaaa whoa

Now that you can do it
Let's make a Church now
(C'mon baby do the Resurrection)
Gen-U Gen-U Flection in the Cath-O-Lic Church now
(C'mon baby do the Resurrection)

Drop the Jewish attitude, now just let it go
The spreadin’ of the Gospel takes a lot of dough
So come on, come on,
Do the Resurrection
Come on, come on
Do the Resurrection with me…

Bagwine Notes:

“Please Visit Dixie and Matt and Wish Them Well As He Leaves For Parris Island And The Marines today. Just click HERE.”

Our friend Turnbaby is kicking off her Blogtalk radio show tonight at 6:30 PM EDT. Make sure to listen and call in if you can. For Details Click HERE.

CHEERS!!

Bush Transfers Power...Oh Dear God!!

I never in my wildest, most drug induced dreams thought I would think this, let alone say this, but I will miss President Bush being our leader. That’s right I said it, and I am damn serious. Do you realize that for a few hours today Vice President Cheney will officially be the President while Dubya is under anesthesia during his colonoscopy!!?

Lock the doors, and hide the babies...Dead-Eye Dick has his finger on the button.

I can see him pacing around the Oval Office wearing a wife beater and boxer shorts, while sucking on a bottle of Jack Daniels. I can hear it now, “President Cheney, President Putin is on line 1.” “Tell Putin to go fuck himself, find out if I can legally pardon Dracula, and fire up my tank, I’m invading Baltimore right after I award the Medal of Freedom to Michael Vick.”

President Bush, I beg of you…please snap out of the drug-induced fog as soon as possible….Please!!

A Shout-Out For Bagwine Friend Dixie:

“Please Visit Dixie and Matt and Wish Them Well As He Leaves For Parris Island And The Marines on Sunday, July 22, 2007. Just click HERE.”

Enjoy your Saturday everyone...Cheers!!

Bon Apetit'

Bon Apetit' Enjoy the Beef...

Here's The Side Dish!!

Sour Cream Mashed Potatoes...Courtesy of Schmoop!!

It's Gettin' Closer

Look here, Schmoop does not think I am cooking the pasta correctly.


As you can see, Mr. Happy Glove and I think it is just perfect. Six Minutes. You wanna burn some of the starch off but not everything because you want a slight gravy consistency with the juice. More to come!!

Dinner Will Be Ready When I Say It Is...

Here is a picture of the main ingredients for my crockpot Beef and Noodles. Notice: A crockpot is essential.


I brown the beef in oil. Worcestshire Sauce, Garlic Powder, salt, pepper, and Rosemary.

I then throw the concoction into the crockpot along with two cans of French Onion Soup and turn it on low...

That's where we are up to this point. I will take more pictures as the dinner progresses. Keep in mind, I have now begun to drink Wild Irish Rose so the pictures may become blurry and the commenatry not as sharp. Cheers!!

Physician, Park Thyself

We here in Bagwine, Ohio are a most accommodating bunch. We make sure that every minority and special interest group is taken care of, as evidenced by the sign below that designates unique parking spots for shy, introspective physicians!!

I am making beef and noodles in the crockpot today. I may periodically post pictures of the meal being prepared. It should make for scintillating blog drama.

Judging by this week's poll, the majority of you have suggested that Schmoop name her blog, "Matt-Man's An Ass Clown". While this may be an appropriate title, it was nonetheless, very hurtful of all of you.

Cheers!!