Friday, June 29, 2007

Streaming Friday!!

It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiiday so drop me into a bowl of gruel and call me Oliver Twist. My buddy Dave and I are gonna hit the lake and throw some worms into the water. We don’t call it fishing because we rarely catch anything. Man, I am so far behind on stuff. I wish there was a way that I could get rid of my waste without having to sit on the toilet; it takes too damn much time. I’ll look into developing a 24 hour adult dung diaper. Of course, it would have to be air conditioned and scented because it’s been pretty hot here. I’d better get used to hearing the phrase, “Matt-Man got back!!”

Larry King interviewed Paris Hilton. I couldn’t tell who was more vapid. I swear Larry died 10 years ago and what we are seeing is a holograph. I cant get past the white spittle on the corner’s of his mouth. He asked her what her favorite bible verse is. She said that she didn’t have one. I bet she does, and it’s the same as mine. It’s the passage about Lot’s daughters getting him hammered on wine and screwing his brains out. Incest is best, sayeth The Lord. When I think about you I touch myself, oooooo. My hands are a little shaky this morning, but it’s too early to drink wine, so hold on, while I go make a Bloody Mary.

Yum-Oh, Baby!! That hits the spot. I’m watching the Joe Scarborough morning show on MSNBC. He is one of the few Republicans that I find intentionaly amusing. He’s pretty funny so check him out weekdays 6-9 if you like morning news shows. Mika Brezinski is pretty hot too, and does a great job as well. But I digress….wait a minute, is it possible to digress while doing a stream of consciousness? Only The Shadow knows!!

I am developing a disturbing and unhealthy attraction toward Lola the Stick Figure ingĂ©nue. I had dream last night that her an I were doing the nasty underneath the Sharpie display at Office Max. I woke up to find that my “marker” had leaked all over my boxers….not good.

I guess Travis and Mo have a awarded me a Rockin’ Blogger Award. I appreciate it very much guys. I don’t think they would have given me the award if they knew how long it has been since I have “rocked”. Well, other than the aforementioned nocturnal emission with a stick figure. Is that sooo wong? Any way thanks again dudes. Poor President Bush took it on the chin on immigration yesterday. Buy your Jack Daniels now, because I see Dubya goin' on a big ol’ bender. Hell, maybe he would start making sense. WWJD? What Would Jenna Do? You know damn well what she would do. Hey Barkeep!!

Well Dave just called and the fishing has been postponed due to weather. I guess the worms are safe for now. It’s probably for the best because I’m on my third Bloody Mary, and I’m starting to get shit faced and horny. I would hate to get out to the lake and get caught in a compromising position with Dave, a bobber, and a dozen Canadian Nightcrawlers. I can see the newspaper headline now. “Dave, Matt, and What The Park Ranger Saw”…not good folks. I don’t think Schmoop would appreciate me making advances towards her brother. But I wouldn’t because I’m not gay(not there‘s anything wrong with that)…hell the way things have been going, I am an Inksexual!!

Well folks, I am off to read some blogs, link some blogs, drink another drink, and send my weekly e-mail to Bill O’Reilly advising him as to what a bloviating dickhead he is. I know, I know, he doesn’t care, but it makes me feel better. Have a great weekend spend it dipping your worm into a fertile fishin’ hole.

I’ll be posting a couple of cookout tips for you over the weekend. Until then, Cheers!!

54 comments:

Desert Songbird said...

OMG! I'm first! I'm first! I can't believe it! Uh...I can't think of anything to say...

D'oh!

Guess I'll go have some orange juice. Where's the Stoli?...

Schmoop said...

Yea Songbird!! Is there anything that doesnt go well with Stoli? I think not. Cheers baby!!

Cheesy said...

DS was first because I was streaming in the corner!! Damn I wish I could type faster! "Dave and I are gonna hit the lake and throw some worms into the water"... hun works a little better if you just thread them on the hook.. There is nuttin wrong with lustin after Lola, wet spots are FINE, means the plumbing still works! I'm holding out my shot glass ready for a shot and a drumroll please....
This week in Texas, a fire broke out in a warehouse destroying 2,000 pounds of marijuana.
Officials say more than 60 firefighters and 2,000 college students responded to the blaze.
Paris is free ladies and gentlemen. She was let out of jail. Now she has a record.
She has a record. Which sounds bad, but it doesn’t sound nearly as bad as her CD.
Paris has been liberated. Didn’t we go through this like three weeks ago? She’s finished her sentence,
she has been rehabilitated. Now she can go back to doing — whatever the hell she does. What does she do?
It was so hot in NYC, the hookers in Times Square were handing out frozen condoms.
So hot Jason Giambi tested positive for gelato. It’s so hot, Michael Moore went to Iceland for healthcare.
The New York Times says Ralph Nader is thinking about running for president again.
Nader says he rejects the term "spoiler.” Still a lot better than 'loser.'
Yankees’ Jason Giambi has told Major League Baseball he will testify about his own steroid use,
but he will not mention the names of any other players. Instead he said he’s going to talk about
someone whose name rhymes with Harry Honds.
Paris Hilton did her first interview Wednesday with Larry King. They were billing it as 'cranky meets skanky'.
They’re going to reveal President Bush’s presidential library. The committee in charge of President Bush’s presidential library
said that they want the building to reflect the spirit of the Bush presidency. In other words, they’re just
gonna build some stuff, and see what happens.

Desert Songbird said...

Well, I thought it was pretty amazing considering it's only 5:23 a.m. here.

Schmoop said...

Cheesy: Excellent stream but I have a very important question. Did I read correctly that you are waiting for a shot of what comes out of my plumbing!!?

Songbird: That's about the time that I awoke from my romp with Lola. Coincidence!?

Cheesy said...

OMG am I that transparent?

Desert Songbird said...

Well, I won't tell you what woke me up that early. It's not a pretty thing...

Schmoop said...

Yes but it goes so well with my easiness...

Schmoop said...

Songbird: You had a image in your mind of me naked? That is scary!!

Desert Songbird said...

Bwahahahaha! Were that it had been something fun like that!

Schmoop said...

Songbird: Well, speak about it when you are able...and have had a few drinks.

Desert Songbird said...

No, nope, nada. I won't regale you with tales of woe of my feminine problems.

No way.

Schmoop said...

Tell Aunt Flo I said Hi!!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Enjoyed your stream...the words not the emission

Odat said...

Matt, there's absolutely nothing "wong" with bein an "Inksexual".....just grow a lil more ok???
Peace

Schmoop said...

Ha!! Very Good Bond, Cheers!!

Odat: I am starting to think that YOU have an unhealthy attraction to Inky...I guess the pen IS mightier than the sword. Cheers!!

Lisa Ryan said...

will your cookout tips be about grilling spam?

I can understand your obsession with Lola. she is pretty hot.

enjoy your weekend!

Schmoop said...

No, no Lisa they will be very very helpful...really!! She is stacked isnt she? And that hair!! Wow... Cheers and have a good weekend yourself.

Anonymous said...

What ever happened to that nice little Xavier I use to know.....you are disturbed and that is no mistake

did you say steak? hmmmm I am hungry....I need tussy; my underarms are wet.

Schmoop said...

You always sweat when anyone mentions steak Joe. But no I dont think I mentioned steak did I? What did you call me? C'mon Joe fess up...Wait, nevermind. Huh?

Angell said...

Oh Matt-man, I'm too busy killing myself with laughter here to even come up with a half decent comment.

Thanks for the laughter my good man. I think I'm gonna bolt out of here early and start my long weekend right.

Cheers my dear!!

Angell said...

Oh and might I add

*snicker*

*snarf*

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH - Inksexual - priceless.

Schmoop said...

Thanks very much Angell and enjoy your long weekend. Happy early Canada Day...Make it a good one by blowing up Quebec!!

Natalia said...

You had to mention Paris. Can we do a No Paris day, when no one pays attention to her? She might spontaneously combust.

-N

Odat said...

Unhealthy???? hmmmm.

Peace

Cinnamon Girl said...

Oooh...I am so craving a Bloody Mary now! YUM-To The- OH!

I am with you on Rachel Ray, btw. What an annoying twat!

Stream of consciousness comments!!

I have nothing to say on the Inky sex. I dated a guy who had a raunchy dream about our Everquest toons. Who am I to judge :P

Schmoop said...

If she did combust Nat, it wouldnt be a big explosion but the toxicity would be enormous!! Cheers!!

Odat: You're right, who am I to question your proclivities. Get the ankle working Damn it!!

Schmoop said...

Starrlight: Bloody Mary, Good. And yes Rache Ray is so fucking annoying especially when she gives her pan a "shimmy-shake" while making a "Yum-Oh sammie" which is covered in "EVOO", all the while standing next to her "ginormous GB". Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh STOP ME!!!

Unknown said...

Keep on rockin´ inksexual pope!
Enjoy your weekend - I´ll spend mine in bed with the milkman ;)

Unknown said...

I don't know why I don't make better use of my unemployment by getting hammered at 7:30 in the morning.

And while this whole post was hilarious, per usual, I truly LOLed at "What the Park Ranger Saw." Very good, my friend. You are so culturally in tune. lol

Schmoop said...

I'll try Sanni and it's nice to know that you're a dairysexual. Mooooo Baby and Cheers!!

Schmoop said...

Allie my sexy friend, you always pick up on my favorite lines. It's like we are twins. Let's go to Kentucky and have hot brother sister sex!! Cheers...

none said...

hehe your sharpie had a nocturnal emission.

I think this country would be better off if W went back to drinking and coking it up.

Schmoop said...

No shit Hammer. he really needs to start thinking about the country rather than his ideologies.

As far as the incident with Lola, I could have sworn that Santana was in the background singing,"Got a black magic marker, got a black magic marker..."

Angell said...

Oh, and Matt - c'mon over to Secretz - you've been tagged my friend. :D

Raven said...

You should post a couple of the letters you write to Bill O'Reilly. You know he is also coming out with a new book. This one should be interesting, it's about parenting. The title of the book is Kids are Americans Too.
Here's the isbn# 9780060846763 Go look it up on Amazon for a good laugh.

Schmoop said...

I'll be by Angell!!

Raven: If kids are Americans too, does that give them the right to get into a shower with him and a falafel? What a vile human being. Cheers!!

Marilyn said...

I am looking forward to the BBQ tips.

Is there an easy way to clean all the black goop off the grill?

Schmoop said...

Marilyn!!! DO NOT clean the goop...It adds flavor, not to mention incredibly tasty carcinogens. Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

Her OO is the only EV thing about her. She has skank vibe :p

Deb said...

Oh my sweet sweet Lord! Where do you come up with this stuff? A dung diaper and Paris Hilton's favorite bible verse? HA!!! You're hysterical.

I see a pattern between the both of us.

1. Shaky hands

2. Bloody marys when it's way too early to really guzzle em' down!

Cheers!!!!

Desert Songbird said...

Okay, I've been meaning to ask you this for a while: if you are so anti-Rachael Ray, how is it that you know so many of her mannerisms and favorite phrases?

Schmoop said...

Starrlight: I agree with you. I can picture her taking it from behind while eating a chicken leg. Yum-Oh!!?

Deb: We could party pretty well together I bet. Love da Bloody Marys. Cheers my gorgeous Lebanese siren!! And best of luck with the book...

Songbird: While I find her obnoxious as hell her type of personality is one of evil infection. She must be stopped!!

Crazy Working Mom said...

Hey Matt-Man! Happy Friday. :)

Thanks for dropping by my part of the bloggosphere this morning. Hope you have a fun filled weekend.

Cheers!

Eyezaku said...

have one for me Matt-man! hope Corky is all right.

and you've been tagged!

Anonymous said...

MMM.. Bloody marys.... I fell off my chair @ the Santana reference-Great one! Is it me or does Lola look like Paris? Just sayin'....

BTW- A television reporter ripped up her transcript of the 'top story' and refused to even give Paris the time of day! It was great! I think it was MSNBC.

Schmoop said...

CWM: Always a pleasure stopping by. Have a fan damn tastic weekend yourself. Cheers!!

Eyechan: I will drink more than one for you and I'll stop by and check it out soon. Cheers!!

Metalmom: The reporter who ripped up the transcript was the lady I mentioned today Mika Brezinski on the Scarborough Morning show on MSNBC. She's pretty cool, and thanks for catching the Santana comment. Cheers!!

Cinnamon Girl said...

See Matt I am thinking more along the lines of leg o lamb...

Oh and I tagged you on my June 29th post. The all boy Meme Taggathon!

Laura said...

Matt-Man --Got a black magic marker, got a black magic marker..."

LOL! Lola isn't bad. She's just drawn that way.

Enjoy your fishing when I gets going!

Schmoop said...

I'll check it out Starrlight and yeah, lamb would be more appopriate. Cheers!!

Laura: HA, I have my moments. And Jessica Rabbit has nothin' on Lola. Cheers!!

Julie said...

Oh geez another ..."what's more entertaining the comments or the stream"?

Upon your demise sweetie...please advise the appropriate people to keep your brain for analytical purposes.

The "got a black magic marker" is just too hysterical. Oh my!

Sparky Duck said...

I keep forgetting Cup of Joe is on in the morning. I was an Imus guy so I have been lost, except for Mike and Mike which can be yick.

I did my part for the Jack Daniels shortage, by getting Old Crow Bourbon. Doesnt sound that appetizing.

Travis Cody said...

Good stuff as usual!

Schmoop said...

Julie: I'll keep the formaldehyde handy.

Sparky: I was a big Imus fan as well. Joe is not doing too bad of a job. Drink up dude!!

Trav: Why thanks ya!!