May The Book Judge Your Cover

On the right, lies the Bible, the very word of God, nestled between a fifth of rose and a couple of hamburger buns, which of course represent the body and blood of Christ (of course during a full Bagwine Mass there would be a ½ pound beef pattie between each bun). A powerful picture, and a powerful book indeed. This book has led millions to a life of salvation, peace, and more than a couple of wacky crusades and inquisitions.

The penultimate power of the Bible however, has something to do with what Jon Stewart pointed out in his book “America”. I quote, “Placing one hand on this book and raising the other makes you physically unable to lie.” Sarcastic? Sure it is, but wouldn’t it be great if it were true!!?

Think about it. If Stewart's statement was true, we could do away with nearly all of the lawyers in this world. In criminal trials we could just have a judge and/or clergyman ask questions to the Bible touching defendant and find out his or her guilt or innocence. Another plus would be that none of us would be required to lose time and money while serving jury duty. We wouldn’t be needed.

I would love to watch Pastor Rod Parsley wailing and waving his bible during one of his sermons screaming, “God doesn’t want your money. God doesn’t NEED your money. I want your money. I NEED your money. Sow your seed now because me and the Mrs. Want to go to The Seychelles, Dammit!!”

Just think, if you need to call the cable or phone company for service, you could go to their office and ask the scheduler to place their hand on the good book, and let you know when the technician will be out to your home. Instead of the usual phrase that they will be there between ten and four, the scheduler will say, “Your technician will not show up until 5:15 p.m., and by the way he will be in a bad mood because his 16 year old daughter just got knocked up by her unemployed 19 year old boyfriend.”…Tough times for the tech, but saved time for you.

The wedding nuptials would be forever altered. If both the groom and bride had to recite their vows upon the Bible of Truth, things would go much differently. If the groom finds that his wife to be is lying as to her commitment to him, he could walk away from the ceremony free to live out his life of frozen pizza and drunken, kinky one night stands. Of course if the bride to be finds that her man is lying, she will go ahead with the marriage out of spite, and the prospects of a free house and a generous alimony order four to five years down the road…But that’s life.

Oh yes, if only The Biblical Lie Detector was an actuality. Every car dealer, doctor, and real estate agent would be sweating bullets or rather, keeping things in biblical perspective, nails. I bet that even a right thinking atheist would dig this idea.

I know I like it, because if this book could bring the truth to the forefront, maybe when President Bush was sworn in in 2001 we would have known that he had no intention of upholding and defending the Constitution…and maybe, just maybe, we as a nation could have prevented nearly 4,000 of our men and woman dying in the crucible that is Iraq.

See you all tomorrow for Stream of Consciousness Friday, and Cheers...