So Let It Be Written, So Let It Be Done

“Seek thee the way and the light, and ye shall find that it lies at the bottom of a bottle of Wild Irish Rose.”

--The Bag'ran Chapter 1 Verse 1

These are the words of the prophet that I wrote upon a bathroom wall. It came to me in an epiphany while I was taking a leak at the bar last night. I had an instantaneous conversion. While those of you who know me are aware of my strong Christian roots and values, I have as of now, and forever eschewed those tenets and have converted to Islam…well sorta.

I have joined a little known branch of Islam…not Sunni, not Shiite, not even Wahhabi (although that one is fun to say), I am a member of a sect called the Bagorians, and my new name is Ali-Bagwine bin Matt-Man. We are quite a bit different from your typical Muslim group.

First of all, we don’t worship the more well known figures in religious history. Do we worship Mohammed? No, he seems to be a bit too grumpy for us, all of that holy war stuff and all. Jesus Christ, perhaps? Oh sure, he performs neat tricks and would be a hit at kids’ parties, but c‘mon, how many times can one watch a leper be healed, seriously? Our deity and focus of adoration is Eddie, or better known as Fast Eddie Karbunckle. Why you ask?

On December 28, 1985, Fast Eddie, after drinking three fifths of Wild Irish Rose, spontaneously combusted while sitting on a barstool at Bob’s Grill and Liquor Mecca. There was nothing left of him other than a piece of his pancreas and an undigested pickled egg. Miraculously, Eddie showed up three days later to join the gang for the New Year’s Eve party. After going through a forty day bender, he was never seen again. Praise be to Eddie.

We do have some of our roots planted in traditional Islam. We do not eat pork, well, other than bacon and sausage. I mean what the hell, we may be religious, but we’re not religious nuts!! Some Islamic groups become a bit violently fundamental. We are not vicious, but we do defend our practice and faith. While we do not belong to Al Qaieda we do have a group known as Ore-Ida.

We don’t kill infidels; we merely attack certain people by hurling steaming, fully loaded baked potatoes at them, or beating them over the head with scorching hot bags of waffle fries. We don’t target people based on faith, we target anyone who is an asshole.

If we live a pious life based upon our beliefs, or die while performing tater-cide upon an asshole, we do not go to heaven and receive 72 virgins. We go to heaven and receive unlimited Wild Irish Rose and 36 prostitutes. I mean why should we receive 72 amateurs for all of our work? So says, the Great Eddie.

So folks, I hope you provide me with your tolerance of my conversion and my faith. Until tomorrow, this is Ali-Bagwine bin Matt-Man bidding you peace and Cheers!!

Note: Diva Dee over at "So Many Blogs, So Little Time" reviewed my site yesterday. It thought it was accurate and if I had the tech know-how I would put her advice into place. To read the review click HERE. May Eddie have mercy on your soul Diva!!