It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiiday so shove an ear of corn up my ass and put me on the Tilt-a-Whirl because our County Fair opens today. Oh yeah baby, rigged games, rusty rides, and my favorite…Deep Fried Cheese and Salmonella On-A-Stick. Yum-Oh!! I have a slight headache. Maybe I should have a shot of Morning rose.I have an idea for a TV show for the new fall season. A sarcastic, nappy headed warlock returns to the school where he learned his craft in order to teach the current crop of wacky, madcap students. Hilarity ensues when you watch, “Welcome Back Potter”. Up your nose with a magical hose…I have a magical hose, it always comes before the ladies expect it to. (Note to Editor: Yes, I know I ended a sentence with a preposition, go fuck yourself.)
I think I know why I have a headache. I was flipping through the TV channels and came across Fox and Friends this morning. Ai yi yi. Those goobs are frickin’ stupid. They are the Three Stooges of morning “news” shows…Larry, Mo, and Ho!! I have always liked to refer to having sex as boinking. It just sounds fun. I would like to just once have fun during sex. Don’t get me wrong, I have fun during sex up until the point that I get slapped after whispering softly, “Oh Baby!! You remind me of my Aunt Myrtle.” Is that so wrooong?
Lilies are pretty, but they don’t taste as good as they look. Man, the ear wax in my listeners is really building up. I just pulled out a chunk of wax that looked like the Virgin Mary. How did I know it looked like Mary? The figure had a burning bush between her legs. Sorry God…oh wait, I converted to Bagorian Islam yesterday I need not apologize. Yaga Boo Yaga Boo, Yaga Yaga Booooo. I have no idea what’s for dinner tonight. I had soup last night.
It is a beautiful day here today. Sunny and a high of 77. I shut the A/C off, opened the windows and am currently typing naked for all of the world to see. Me and Ben Franklin love our air baths. Hi Bob!! I was just saying hi to my neighbor Bob, as he was staring into my window. I don’t know what was up with the contorted look on his face, he’s usually pretty friendly. Clang Clang Clang went the trolley. I was lying on the couch this morning and realized I had been rubbing my rocks for ten minutes, and they didn’t even itch!! Odd…okay maybe more typical than odd.
My son is in Chicago for another week. I miss the little shit. I miss the loving way he calls me, “baldy”, “killjoy”, and “old man”. I guess what I miss the most is the way he says, “I love you Dad.” Yes I can be sentimental in case you did not know. Hell I cried, when Paris Hilton bared her soul on Larry King Live. Okay, maybe it was from laughter, but nonetheless.
Well folks, I am off to the shower and then I am going to clean the joint up. I may have a couple of short posts this weekend so check back. Enjoy your weekend. Spend it at a County Fair counting the number of bolts missing from the Ferris Wheel. Cheers!!
Bagwine Shout-Out: Our friend Turnbaby is kicking off her Blogtalk radio show Sunday July 22 at 6:30 PM EDT. Make sure to check her out and if you do listen, make sure you are naked, because I know the kinky bitch would prefer it that way. For Details Click HERE.
42 comments:
You forgot the yummy, greasy fair fries, which now resemble dry potato sticks! For only $4!!!
Oh ya baby. bow before the altar of Fried Cheese!! So in honor of Streaming stringy cheese...
Boy has it been a hot summer.So hot, instead of sunblock, they’re now recommending A-1 sauce. They call this the dog days of summer.
Especially if you’re Michael Vick.
Atlanta Falcons Michael Vick has been indicted for his alleged involvement in a dog fighting ring.You know how he got caught? A pointer picked him out. Did you hear his excuse? He said, "The bitch set me up.”
Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems.
John McCain's communication director has quit. McCain had no immediate comment because his communication director quit.
How about that Britney Spears? She wanted a dog so she went out and bought a dog . . . a $3,000 dog.
Seems like it’s a lot of money, but it’s not just a dog, it’s a designated driver. And babysitter."
The National Hockey League announced it’s going to kick
off next season with a game in London. It’ll be the first time in League history that the people in the stands will have worse teeth than the guys on the ice.
The D.C. madam says that David Vitter sometimes paid $300 an hour just to have the hookers talk to him. Gave them $300 . . . didn’t have sex. Another example of government waste! Osama bin Laden has released another new video. That shows how dumb this guy is. He releases it the same week as Harry Potter.
Schmoop: Oh the times they are a'changin'....Never Again!!
Cheesy: I hate to say this, but when you stream stringy cheese, it sounds as though you have a venereal disease. Are you okay down there? Cheers!!
There is something so acid like about ALL county fairs. You don't even have to be on acid to have an out of body experience. The combo of rancid fat in the deep friers and Body Odor (Yum Oh indeed!) will do that to you.
Plus I am always waiting for freaky mountain folks ala the Hills Have Eyes or Devil's Rejects to show up :P
Streaming cheese sounds so fucking gross I nearly harked up my coffee =(
Larry Mo and Ho...*GIGGLE!!*
Starrlight: Come to Ohio this weekend and I will treat you to an E.Coli Burger followed by a stroll through the barns where we can watch the Children of the Corn feed their rabbits and hose down their hogs. Cheers!!
you got the fair this weekend....we've got the Rodeo (cowboys and hippies)...and then next week the Garlic Festival
I think you've figured out the problem if you're putting your hose up her nose.. then again, she should be thankful you're quick about it...
Get that wax on e-Bay, it should be a lovely companion piece to the cheez-whiz covered Jesus toast from the woman in Podunk.
funny today Matt-Man... thanks for the post this weekend... cheers
Cheesy: OMG "streaming stringy cheese" ROFLMAO
Matty: That's MISS Bitch to you! ;-)
Thanks sugar---smooch
Another great Friday post... I love fried cheese. I just wish I didn't look like a person who loves fried cheese.
And make sure you throw one of them little ping pong balls in the tiny fish bowl so you can win a guppie...YUP, YUP!!!!
"See" you on Sunday...I'll be wearing my heels, just for MISS BITCH!!
Katherine: It goes on for a WEEK!! I would love to go to a Garlic Festival. Love it. Cheers!!
Anndi: I though about that, but the sight of the wax is so moving. I dont know if I could part with it.
Bond: Thanks Vin. I will post it tomorrow indeed. Have a great weekend.
TB: You are quite welcome Mizz Bitch. And remember, if I get through to you Sunday and you talk to me, I WILL be nekkid!!
Marilyn: LOL...Welcome Back, your comment was the funniest thing on my post today. Cheers!!
Piacere: If you are gonna wear your heels Sunday, I will wear mine as well. See ya then!!
ooo matty naked and in heels---urlp--I just threw up in my mouth a little;-0
TB: Dont judge too hastily. My heels really lift and firm my ass. I look sweet in them. Cheers!!
That is the hottest date offer I have had in a long time :P
Seriously.
They're coming for you Mattachai!
Starrlight: I can be one smooth operator when I try. If we make it safely pass the demonic children, I'll take you over to the pickled okra exposition. Cheers!!
I notice no mention of a deep fried oreo, you have not lived without it.
Now, is the county fair in Ohio or Kentucky, um I mean Southern Ohio?
I would need alot of shots of something to watch Fox and Friends
A fair in summer?
Too hot to eat greasy food,
Must wait for autumn.
"I would like to just once have fun during sex."
-I thought you had to HAVE sex first.
I am in West Central Ohio Sparky, but at times it does appear to be inhabited by inbred people named Jud and Daisy. Fox sucks, although O'Leilly is so unintentionally funny. Cheers!!
Aisby: Here in Ohio, the county fair season runs from mid-June thru September. It gives the kids a chance to hose off before returning to school.
As far as your sex comment, there was no need to point out my carnal drought for all of the world to see. Cheers!!
Always love to end my week here ...
have a great weekend!!
Peace
I appreciate that Odat. Enjoy your weekend as well my friend. Cheers!!
Alerting the ER to have the crash cart ready for ya...
Aunt Myrtle? That's not fun - that's asking for a shrink...
It's sweet that you miss the kid - I'm sure he's missing you too (have any bullets crashed into the wall by your head lately? Hmmm)
Angell: Trust me, as soon as I mention Myrtle and get slapped, it shrinks up pretty damn quickly. Cheers!!
Will your heels be peep-toe pumps? Or will you be wearing something in an ankle strap?
Anndi: I cannot reveal more than I have already. Just let me say I look damn sexy, in my pink screw-me-pumps.
Looks to me like you'll be revealing quite a bit...
Anndi: Oh you have no idea. Can you say mauve thigh high stockings!!?
One sure way to have fun during sex is to talk dirty in your best Elmer Fudd voice--Guaranteed laughter(from Schmoop of course!)
*TIP* If Schmoop is the one speaking, You might have to 'start all over'. I like that!!"Oh you wascal!!Touch me theaw!"
I can' help but feel that the whole "shove the corn up my ass" bit was about me and my colonoscopy. Thanks for the homage.
:)
-N
Metalmom: I just cant do that because of something my son did when he was 4. When I went to pick him up, the the daycare provider said that she caught Ryan with his head down the toilet saying, "Come outta there you wascally rabbit." It would give me the creeps. Cheers!!
Nat: Oh crap, I didnt think about that. My sincerest apologies and I hope all went well. Cheers!!
Well there you go. I've finally found an image of lady's shoes that I need bleached out of my brain.
Thanks Matt!
As for listening to Turn's show nekkid, if I did that I wouldn't be listening long - not with my lady in the house, if you catch my meaning.
Cheers!
Y'know Trav, if you had seen me in my pumps, you might think otherwise. As far as listening to TB's show naked, Schmoop may find it to be odd....Or rather she will more likely find it to be the diversion that Schmoop needs.
Well, you have just used the terms, "nappy" and "ho" in the same post. Have you learned nothing from Imus???
I want you to know that when word gets out and people begin to call for your head on a stick, I will be here showing my support and lobbing shit grenades at all the uptight haters out there.
108: I appreciate that, because I was a Don Imus fan and actually posted about that several times. Save those shit grenades for me when I truly need them. Cheers and have a fan-damn-tas-tic weekend!!
Well Matt I would tell you but I dont think you are a gyno~~ you just play one on the internet.....
Cheesy: And I am so glad that I am not one!!
TB: She's very hurtful.
Oh my God........you're the only one that can make me laugh out loud in front of the computer.
Good thing the wife doesn't punch you during sex! Aunt Myrtle indeed! haha!
keep it up.....not that! the humour.
Matty: Why thanks!! And just so you know, Schmoop is not my wife...We live in sin. And with amount of sex that takes place here, it's not really much of a sin. Cheers!!
You're killin' me!
Your posts are just too darned funny.
Why thanks Crazy Mom!! Enjoy your weekend.
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