It’s Stream of Consciousness Friiiiiiiiday so stuff a Roadrunner down my pants and put a digital cable remote in my hand because Schmoop and I are getting bundled this weekend. In roughly 28 and a half hours from now, we go from 60 analog channels of crap to 180 digital channels of crap on the TV. Roadrunner Internet and digital phone with unlimited free long distance are included in the package as well.
Schmoop was fed up (and rightfully so) with ATT phone service. She would get a bill or sometimes not, and the amount wasn’t always correct. So sayonara ATT everything is going over to Time Warner Cable. I just hope the digital phone enhances my 1-900 Sex Line call experiences…I have so little else to live for. But as you can see by my picture, I am happy…I’m making hamburgers tonight, yum-oh!!
Last night we had a pretty strong thunderstorm and now the sun is out, there’s a crisp breeze, and I’m not wearing any underwear. Yeah baby, my ass cheeks are like two Jack O’ Lanterns shining proudly in all of their Autumnal glory. Unfortunately, my little wee wee is dripping something akin to green candle wax…Maybe I should have that checked out. AH, just kidding….no, really, I’m KIDDING.
I always wanted to marry a Jewish girl so that every December we could celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah. It would be fun to sit around the Christmas Menorah and sing Oy Vay Maria!! Bacon Wrapped Matzo Ball anyone? I gotta go take a leak, be right back…
Okay, a word of caution. When not wearing underwear, make sure you are completely done peeing before zipping up. I just forgot that and now have a huge piss puddle on my crotch. If I was wearing a plaid sweater vest right now, I would look like the kid in Junior High that everyone made fun of.
There’s something in my pocket that should be on my face. What? Clang Clang Clang went the trolley. Happy 43rd Birthday to my friend Haircare Joe. I hope that shovel handle that you sanded down to use as a sex toy is working out for you with the ladies. Joe is one smooth Mo Fo. I have quite a weird and disturbing vision going through my mind…
Obviously Jesus Christ had to go to the bathroom once in awhile. I just can’t picture it, or more accurately, I don’t want to but I can’t help it. I keep seeing him going into the woods, lifting his robe and shooting out a big stream. I can also hear Peter saying, “Hey Messiah, let’s see you turn THAT into wine.”
Worse yet, can you imagine the savior sitting in the woods wiping his holy ass with a handful of fig leaves after a bowel movement? I imagine Judas saying, “Damn JC, someone needs to lay off the bitter herbs.” I can even visualize Christ passing some nasty gas and all of the disciples chuckling because he would blame it on the lamb. What a jokester the Son of God is.
Well folks, that’s all that I have today. If you don’t see me around this weekend it is because there has been issues with the internet transition. Well that, or God has struck me down. Enjoy your weekend. Spend it making sure that your crotch stays dry. Cheers!!
40 comments:
I dunno, I'm kinda hoping my crotch doesn't stay dry - hubby's home.
Oy vey Maria!!! You almost lost me there, darlin'. You are on a roll this morning!
Oh, and you know, I've never given much thought to the Son of God needing to pass gas or other bodily functions; I usually dwell on the fact that he was tempted in all manner such as we are. Gee, what does that say about me?
180 digital channels? will we ever see you and Schmoop again? will you plant yourself in front of the tv all cozy and never return?
enjoy!
Songbird: Well happy moisture to you. As far as Christ and bodily function thoughts, I think that says more about me than it does you, and it is not good.
Lisa: I'll still be around unless of course we can pick up some hot porn, and then my blog time may indeed plummet precipitously. Cheers!!
after reading the Songbird's hope for the weekend I have completely forgotten what I was gonna say.
Hope DS gets everything she is hoping....laughing....
ah..okay...I was gonna make some comment on your bling Matthew but the mental image of you and Jesus releaving yourselves....
a whole new meaning to "streaming" Friday.
enjoy the weekend and good luck with the install.
You wanna know something really frightening...if hubby grew his beard out, he'd look something like you. Do all red-headed Irishmen from Ohio look alike? No bling, tho'...
Oh, thanks for the thoughts, Katherine. It's been a long week!
Katherine: I came across the earring last week while cleaning. I threw it in just to see if my lobe was still open...Jesus and I are so close we can share those intimate moments. Cheers!!
Songbird: My facial hair is the only hair that I have that has red in it. I cant believe I just typed a comment about my facial hair color on top of discussing my earlobes. Kill Me Now!!
Give it up, Matty. You'll do anything for your female admirers...
earrings, hair color and sex in the desert...its the new Cosmo...
Always ready with the quip, Katherine. You have a marvelous mind.
not so sure "marvelous" is what the the family calls it. Not so long ago we were at my folks...all the kids and a bunch of friends.
I was doing some bit..my oldest was explaining to a new comer about my...um...banter...and said,
"don't worry about half of what my Mommy says is bullsh*t"
and from the kitchen you could clearly hear my own mothe mutter: "more like 80%"
Songbird and Katherine: Should I just leave you two alone to discuss life for awhile? Boo Yah!!
'I cant believe I just typed a comment about my facial hair color on top of discussing my earlobes. Kill Me Now!!'
Now THAT's some serious funny!
When Son2 was 14,he was going to one of his first(of many) heavy metal concerts, he asked me to put a bajillion teeny braids in his hair and to paint his fingernails black.By that time he had already dyed his hair blue and pierced his ear. (Don't worry, he is such a 'manly-man' with a superhot girlfriend!)
You had a strong stream today!
What lip gloss color goes with a red beard and black nail polish?
What I was really going to say is that is a great picture of you Matt-man. You have pretty eyes.
Now I won't be able to look up at the big painting of Jesus behind the altar on Sunday without imagining him peeing in the woods.
You reminded me that I need to call Brighthouse to come and disconnect my roommate's cable thingy.
-N
Marilyn: Try yelloe gloss if you're German it would match the color of their flag. And thanks, my eyes appreciate it. Cheers Marilyn!!
Nat: That sounds painful, but enjoy. Cheers!!
Metalmom: Oops I skipped over you, you can spank me for that if you'd like...No seriously, spank me.
My girlfriend at the time paid for me to get my ear pierced on my 17th B-Day. It's nice to know that 25 years later I'm still hip...or something like that. Cheers!!
I love the new Songbird/Katerine Blog you have going here Matt-Man....
I tend to think that if we do not hear from you over the weekend it has so much more to do with your references to Jesus taking a crap than the cable guys crack showing as he installs your cable.
Bond: Maybe I could re-name my blog "Katbird Ruminations". I would be a little put off except for the fact they are both so darn cute.
I'll be back by your site later today to finish reading your post. Good God Man, you were quite prolific today!! Cheers Vin...
Cute? Well, I haven't ben called that since I was...wait...I've never been called cute! I feel so giddy, like a 5yo...
Going back to your new selection of channels, I suppose you will now get the Big Ten Network so that you can watch...Ohio State football!!!!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Go Bucks!
You haven't changed at all since I've seen you all of almost 3 months ago. :)
Happy Friday, darling. Now I have to go cleanse the image of Jesus wiping his ass out of my head.
Songbird: F@#K THE BUCKEYES, but enjoy the cute comment.
Allie: Love the sexy new pic. One question...How in the hell did Jesus' ass get lodged in your head? That's amazing, miraculous even!!
This post should be entitled"
"Bodily Functions Friday".
Good luck with the new service and have a great weekend!
Peace
Odat: Have a good one yourself and touch my monkey sometime this weekend. We will both be better for it. Cheers!!
Jesus had bodily functions? That wasn't even in The da Vinci Code! You are a researching genious!
I thought Jesus like the Queen of England didn't pass gas! Dammit! There goes the neighborhood. As far as AT&T goes? Don't even get me started!!! UGH :o(
Ve: Tell Dan Brown that next time he writes a book about The Almighty he should call me first.
Jillie: Silly Jillie...The Lord has gas of Biblical Proportions. What, are you crazy? Cheers!!
Cable Pr0n!!! Just remember the lube. Chaffing is so unpleasant!
Uhm...whether wearing underwear or not, wouldn't you say it's a good idea to make sure you're finished before zipping up?
OMG LOL
Jesus and the SBDs
LMAO
and nice earring sugar*giggling*
And DO NOT let Bond give you shit about the earring--I have pictures. *wicked grin*
Road runner is supposed to be very good. Good luck with the install, since I know you want to get your TV ready for the Washington Oregon game.
As for zipping up, trust me, I have seen the peacock tracks, underwear or no underwear
Travis: I dont have that problem because whe I am not going commando, I usually wear a diaper. Cheers!!
TB: Dear God, for the sake of all humanity, keep those pictures to yourself!! Cheers!!
Sparky: Yeah, I have been waiting for THAT game all year. Cheers!!
I secrectly took pictures of your glowing ass and green wee wee from the window as I stalked you.. I emailed them to you as I can't post them IN the comments....
Cheesy: HA, I got them...Your accuracy is impeccable!! Cheers...
Oh no! Not yet another Time Warner convert! Oy vey...you'll regret it and you'll be on hold for the rest of your natural life! Please bye a headset to plug into your phone so you can use that time writing. You don't want to get a pinched nerve cradling the phone between your ear and shoulder!
They WILL give ya credit on your bill though...just talk sweetly and get a woman to bitch too...the men are all mine!
....oh! I shoulda known you were hands free already.
**blush**
Julie: Schmoop called them Thursday and they are coming today. She has spent but a mere twenty minutes on the phone with them. So far, so good. Cheers and watch my hands roam freely!!
All things considered you should have called this steaming friday. ewww!
Of course JC peed, why do you think he went off to that tree alone in the garden of gethsemene.
( not sure if I spelt that correctly but what the heck)LOL.
Cathy: Very Good!! I believe you did spell it correctly...You're not really Judas are you?
DAMN Matt-Man.
I wish I'd had the nerve to say some of that during Sunday school....
Enjoy the 180 Channels of crap (did you include the playboy channel in that? or did schmoop veto it?)
Glad to be back :D Pass the WIR.
Post a Comment