It appears to be an incredibly tight race between John “There Will Be More Wars” McCain and Mitt “I Think You Are The Greatest Person in the World, Unless You Want Me To Believe Otherwise” Romney.
Ring the opening bell Mr. McMahon, It’s an archaic, used up Senator dukeing and grappling it out with a Mormonic Fancy Boy in the Sunshine State Smackdown.
Trailing far behind in the latest polls, are Mike Huckabee and Rudy Giuliani. I understand the fall off in support for Huckabee. He obviously is reaping the malodorous fruits of my wrath and withdraw of my support.
I am, however, stupefied as to why Giuliani isn’t doing better. He showed up for work on 9-11. He’s a deep thinker. Most importantly, he’s just so darn likeable. I see that; why can’t others?
Now a week from today, on February 5th, both parties will be holding primaries and caucuses in over 20 states. Known as Super Tuesday, this day will be ginormous in determining who the Presidential candidates will be.
I, as a third party candidate for President, do not have to run in these contests. However, I don’t want to let the week leading up to Super Tuesday pass me by in the area of Presidential campaign publicity.
Therefore, I am taking my campaign on the road to one of the places holding a primary on that day.
I am going to be campaigning in the far too often neglected territory of American Samoa.
I will be driving the campaign bus across the Pacific and straight into downtown Pago Pago. Which as you can imagine, is no small feat, and highly news worthy in itself.
I will be talking with the Samoans about such things as increasing th
e output of their Tuna export industry. Sorry Charlie, your wish came true. Pass through the tuna shredder and squeeze your dead fish ass into the can.
I will address another Samoan problem as well…
Much like here in the states, there is an obesity problem in Samoa. I think the evidence of that is clear when you watch NFL football games and see corpulent men with names like Manumaleuna and Fuamatu-Ma’afala running around the grid iron.
In order to slim down the citizens of this beautiful archipelago, we n
eed to get them to eat more vegetables and lean meats, while curtailing their intake of poi, breadfruit, and in more isolated communities, other Samoans.A Federally funded fitness program is a must. I have contacted Samoan fitness expert Carla Holmes, and she will be campaigning with me while I am there.
She will help me sell my plan as well as giving me a hot, personal working over in order to prepare me for the grueling months of campaigning ahead.
If this works out, come November, I will win the American Samoa popular vote along with all of their Electoral votes, of which they have none.
So folks, there’s your Matt-Man Presidential Campaign update. Enjoy your Tuseday everyone.
Cheers and Tofa Soifua!!
49 comments:
Campaigning with Carla Holmes? I've never heard it called "campaining before, but I guess it does work!
Dana: It is hard work, but when I campaign with her, my Poll Numbers will definitely be on the rise. Cheers!!
Poll numbers on the rise....I think other numbers you goof!
I say the bus sinks, and we have to come save your crazy ass from the ocean.
WI is not a Super Tuesday state, we come in later....so see everyone else gets to weed out the riff raff for me, before I get to put in my 2 cents.
I'm still waiting for a real cents.
Mama: The Bus will not sink...After all, they don't call me the James Bond of Politics for nothing.
We don't vote in Ohio until March 4th. Cheers!!
Samoan football players need to be so huge so their names will fit on the back of their jerseys! DUH!
Huckabee is losing because you're not there. MattMan withdrawal can be brutal!
You and Carla Holmes are going to be working together, you lucky bastard!
Metal: That's true. And when I withdrew my support of the Huckster so did the Almighty. Praise be to God. Cheers!!
Roger: Don't be upset. I fully expect you to be there taking pictures. Cheers!!
That sounds fun, does Carla have a sister or two lol?
Roger: We can only hope. Cheers!!
Carla Holmes could have any position in my administration she wants. Hopefully several of them in fact. ;-)
I'm glad Giuliani is about to be gone. That means the Huckster can stay in for a while longer. I'm not giving up my dream of having Huckabee around to make fun of all summer long just yet.
Dreams die hard you know.
Jay: I'd love to make her my Moanin' Samoan. Yum-Oh.
Yeah, it be will sad to see The Huckster fade away. There's so much untapped comedy left in his campaign. Cheers!!
Here is a serious question for you, O Third Party One. How do you think the Death of President Hinckley- excuse me Prophet, Seer, and Revelator Hinckly - aka head of the Mormon church will impact your rivals campaign?
Here we find out Romney has a prophet. Screw campaign managers, this dude has a genie in a bottle!
Obama being a closet Muslim, he probably has one too. Hilary THINKS she is one, and McCain seems to think George Bush is one.
So where does that leave the Matt Man campaign with regards to Prophet, Seer and Revelator status?
Starr: Very good and question and you have unknowingly touched upon a future post so I can't answer it here.
I can tell you that it has been reported that when Hinckley died, he left behind 14 wives, 103 children, 406 grandchildren, and a well stocked dry goods pantry. Cheers!!
Hot damn! Ambrosia and Rice Crispy Treats For All!
Starr: Those Mormons are just like the Boy Scouts. Always prepared. Cheers!!
this one girl at work always makes tuna fish salad sammiches, and then the office smells like prostitutes for the rest of the day. i know that had almost nothing to do with your post, but i felt the need to unburden myself.
Just sittin' back, enjoying the banter...
Happy belated birthday Songbird!
Al those votes will make this worth your effort.
Tequila: I love Tuna Salad...And as the old adage goes as far as women smelling like tuna:
If it smells like fish, tasty dish. If it smells like cologne, leave it alone. Cheers!!
Songbird: You dirty banter, enjoyer, you. Hope your B-Day was good. Cheers!!
Marilyn: Thank you, thank you. And my offer to blackmail your evil customer still stands. I have people, ya know? Cheers!!
What...no comments on last night's speech? (Read that as whining and throwing a fit that no one is doing what he wants)
Two reasons why we Eye-talians don't like Guiliani in New York:
1. Took away hot dog stands in Manhattan.
2. Took away the "good fellas" at the seaports.
Nuff' said. ;)
Hiya Matt! :)
Guiliani screwed himself. I think he is a great leader. I don't know what we would have done without him after 9-11, but he doesn't really want this presidency for some reason. Mayve he is going to throw his support behing Matt-Man.
Raven: If Dumbya had said anything new I would have commented. Cheers!!
Deb: Both excellent reasons. One thing the G-Man did that was very telling to me.
I saw a video of him eating an overstuffed deli style corned beef sandwich with a knife and fork. No self respecting Big Apple guy should do that. Cheers Lovely One!!
Karen: He does look hot in the dust of falling buildings while carrying a bullhorn. Thanks for stopping by, and Cheers!!
I think you're using the wrong word, Matt, It's rising your "pole" not poll....as you campaign with Carla.
Peace
Samoa...That's genius. Those other candidates will rue not driving there too. I'd tag along but I don't like to drive over water at night. At least your campaign has some real meat, ok Tuna meat, but that's better than Spam!
Uh, I thought Samoans were a type of Girl Scout cookie.
Thanks for the educational post.
You have restored my confidence in your campaign.
Odat: Shhhhh. There may be kids reading this. Cheers!!
VE: They'll never see it coming, will they? I am a a master strategeryist. I'll leave room on the bus for ya if you change your mind. Cheers!!
Dirk: Well if it's not a cookie, it should be. Glad to be back in your good graces. Cheers, and choose wisely in your game system dilemma!!
You hit the sauce really early today Matt-Man. Bwahahahahaha, you crack me up. Let us know how Carla works out. Have a great day. :)
Sandee: The "sauce" was in the form of powerfully fermented poi juice. Cheers!!
Mmmmm.... Samoans.
108: Are you groanin' for a Samoan? Cheers!!
Matt Man I must warn you against becoming too friendly with Samoans.
While in HS in that way back more innocent age, I attended a Samoan "coming of age" party for one of the sisters of classmates. They took hostages early on Saturday and did not release the prisoners until well into Sunday.
The uninvited sat on the roofs of neighbors to view the goings on. The police put a guard on the gate to ensure that only invitees got in and the fire department blessed the construction of the pig pit. All the brothers danced in honor of their sister complete with flaming torches and a lot of body slapping.
Remembering that event: I really need to go visit Samoa.
Jamie: I was gonna say...That sounds pretty cool. Pack your bags, I'll pick you up on the way over there. Cheers Jamie!!
I'm not paying attention to the campaign until the 5th. At which time I will vote for you and then see who all pulls out.
Kat: Thanks for lobbing me that fat pitch down the middle of the plate.
As my my brood of of 18 kids by 14 different women indicates...Unlike others, I never pull out. Cheers!!
Dirstar,
Now that was funny. Good job.
Maybe I should back out as Secretary and volunteer to be the liaison bewteen you and the Samoans.. now that sounds fun.
between.. oops. Guess I can't spell so what it's either Liaison or a "position" that you think best fits me... lol
Jahooni: I have invented a new position that I have named "The Liaison" so it all works. I'll show it to you sometime. Cheers!!
Does it resemble Twister? Nevermind.
Jahooni: Left foot blue, right arm red, nearest boob Yum!! Cheers!!
Oh yeah baby, you are on it! You can raise the pole with Carla, solve some necessary issues, have some Samoan wine, catch a few rays, create some buzz, and, spend some taxpayers cash, and, I know you will do it in more style than anyone else could. Not only that you are so damned likable too, that is why Rudy turned off the charm when he heard you were a serious contender, he likes you too, and, since he ain't got a prayer of winning, he is turning his attention over to 'da Matt-Man; he is a good dude, eh? Well, I am impressed, you have really lit the tiki torches and with the speed of meth, going places Mr. Prez hopeful and I am with ya man, all the way... bring some Samoan drinks back for me, eh? I heard that they will take you higher than reefer and will make you see the world in a whole new way... could they be brewing peyote juice or something like??? Ha, well, we are here for ya, Mr. Prez hopeful, dream up some issues which no one else has thought of, like this one, and you are a shoe in!! great stuff sir... great stuff...
Lyn: Tippin a glass of the mescaline and psilocybin punch to you. I'll bring you back some Samoan drinks and a few Polynesian aphrodisiacs.
Thanks for your support and if you keep rockin' on, I 'll try to rock this country back into consciousness.
Cheers!!
Did Katherine really say, "pull out" and reference you in the same sentence?
Dude, you came out of the Florida primary with as many delegates as Hillary!
Is there any stopping your campaign now?
Well done, good man.
Jeff: Yes she did...Such a silly girl. Cheers!!
Dirkstar: Ha...And people tell me my campaign is a mere pipe dream. Cheers!!
This is actually an effective strategy. If you can get the other candidates and their supporters scratching their heads at your innovative tactics, perhaps you'll distract them enough so that you can sneak in and steal some votes.
Or...perhaps you'll entice the eventual nominee into courting you as a running mate.
Nicely played Sir!
Travis: I have a very nimble mind, don't I? Cheers!!
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