Sad news folks…A schism has developed between Mike Huckabee and me. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but it involves me finding out that he wants to turn the United States of America into the Evangelical Republic of ChristanistanMonday night in Michigan, Huckabee said the following: "what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards…" I feel so naïve. I thought he just liked God, I didn’t know that he wanted to be God.
Therefore, I have decided to break ranks with the Huckster and throw my hat into the race and become your next President of the United States of America. To wit and heretofore is my platform regarding my candidacy:
I will not only promote and sign a bill legalizing gay marriage, I will initiate a program educating the public on homosexual relations by mandating that every Friday, in every town square, public displays of hot, sweaty, naked chick on chick action take place.
No, it’s not a horny guy thing. Many of you know that I want to have a sex change and become a lesbian, so you should know that it’s not just a baseless man fantasy. Consider it more like a Muslim who converts to Christianity so he can enjoy the greasy goodness that is bacon thing.
Safe sex? Yeah soccer moms that’s great, but I will be promoting more sex.
There are many of my brethren out there who have a tough time trying to get laid. As a man of the deprived, I will correct that. All drug stores will be equipped with a mandatory check-out line display containing the following:
Tequila, Vodka, Viagra, and RU-488.
Drinking the Tequila and Vodka will help the man look good to the woman, the Viagra will help the poor schlep gets his rusty pecker up, and the morning after pill will solve the problems of the next-day drunken regret and fertilization.
President Matt-Man…solving the problem of backed up prostates and the rising out of wedlock birth rate.
One of the greatest problems facing our nation is people who drive slowly in the passing lane and do not use their turn signals. Many of my supporters have called for the death penalty for these egregious violations. I say that this vile offense needs a punishment far, far harsher.
I say that these road rule rejects should be subjected to drinking the moisture collected from the sweaty, dewey, drippage of Dick Cheney’s nutsack during his daily six hour steam bath. "Follow the law or taste Dick’s balls." It’s up to you.
As far as foreign policy goes I will be setting up an International Summit that will bring all nations to the table of diplomacy. We need to feed the hunger that is world peace. How do we feed that hunger? By inviting representatives from nations to my “Peace Through Fried Spam and Velveeta" forum.
Sure there are other things I would do such as renaming the Oval Office “The Tender Trap”, guarding our border with Mexico with a brigade of invisibly well-armed mimes, and moving the nation’s capital from Washington, D.C. to Canandaigua, NY., home of Wild Irish Rose, but I think you gather my direction for this country.
So with that, I hope you support my candidacy, and I leave you with this…My campaign theme song. Enjoy.
I'm Matt-Man, Bitch...and I approved This Message...
Cheers!!
86 comments:
You've got my vote!! I think your administration would be a hell of a lot more fun than the Hucksters!
OMG Yesssss!!
All right Matt-man. Pray tell this will be the feature of your appearance on TurnbabyTalks on Usnday night?
You are HAWT-in the suit--good choice.
You fucking RAWK Matty ;-)
Sunday
Raven: Thanks, you can co-ordinate my Ohio campaign if you's like. Cheers!!
TB: Usnday or Sunday, it doesn't matter, I will lead this country to one big damn party of peace. But I'm cutting the deficit so BYOB. Oh screw it, I'll just print more money. Cheers!!
don't they call that "fomunda"? or is that the solid form of Dick's discharge?
as a professional driver....the punishment seems fitting.
""Monday night in Michigan, Huckabee said the following: "what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards…" "
The fact that this is real chills me to the fucking BONE
Teamster: Yes that would be his vilenes in solid form. Either way, it's not good. Cheers!!
TB: True, and yes, very disturbing indeed. Cheers Baby!!
"The world owes me so fuck you."
Isn't this platform already being used by the ACLU?
BTW Lookin' studly in your digs.
Jeff: Don't tell them; they'll sue me. And if you keep making advances towrds me you may end up being my intern. Get that blue dress dry cleaned. Cheers!!
Dry cleaning won't be necessary. Billy Mays is pushing his new "Spooge Off" cleaner. Aparently it's selling like hotcakes in D.C.
Jeff: HA...I wonder if it can take all of that Grecian Formula hair color out of his hair. Cheers!!
Well, this is interesting. I have only one issue that I'm concerned about and I know that jerk The Huckster doesn't care about it at all cause there's nothing in the Bible about it.
So, here it is. If you would agree to outlaw ALL left turns unless there is a left turn lane and/or a left turn protection arrow you will have my full support.
Simple enough, don't you think? It's really my biggest frustration while driving around town, which makes it my biggest frustration in general.
Now, if this is a little too much I have another proposal. When you win and become our Benevolent Dictator, you can appoint me the Provincial Governor of Arkansas and I can at least proclaim the not left turn policy law here. How's that for a compromise?
Fuck, that a picture is sizzlin, baby!
That photo of you, by itself, earns my vote, you stud you. You clean up good, me boy.
Oh, and I've got bottles of Sauza tequila, Stoli vodka, and Viagra already. Does that qualify me for a prime seat on your cabinet? Or a seat on something else? *grin*
you'd have my vote too if I were an american.
can I vote for you anyway?
Come on Matt-Man, didn’t you realize that the Evangelical Republic of Christanistan—more realistically “Kingdom”—has been a goal of the so-called “religious right” for more than 30 years? I surprised that one a brilliant as you could have been sucked into the conspiracy!
So, as I believe I have previously stated, I am so glad you have escaped the tentacles of the Huckster. As for your platform, it’s a fine beginning, but I really think it needs some enhancement. Should you desire my assistance in doing that, I am available—for a price, of course.
"I will be promoting more sex. "
Amen my budder man! You have my vote.. and in that suit,,, my body too! lmao
Jay: I'm with you on the left turn thing brother. Conider it done. As far as running Arkansas, you can do that as well, because I'm sure no other will requestthat position. Cheers!!
Allie: You know how to cut through to the heart of the issue at hand baby. Cheers!!
Songbird: Yum. Yeah screw the cabinet seat and have a seat the Prez's lap. Boo Yah and Cheers!!
Nursemyra: Sure you can vote, and lease do it while wearingone of your hot corsets. Cheers!!
Nick: I feels so ashamed...I was sucked in by his charms and bass playing. My people will be in touch with your people soon. Cheers!!
Cheesy: You are a true patriot. Consider the State of Oregon your personal playground. Cheers!!
Damn Matt! If you can make SPAM an official food of this nation. keep IDIOTS out of the fast lane AND get me more sex, you are definately my man!
Look for your first win in the Illinois primary.
Dana: It's all about normal, good driving, horny Americans. With your help, we will transform The Land of Lincoln into the Land of Matt-Man. Cheers, and I hope things went well yesterday.
The more sex campaign is one that I can endorse... Maybe you could sign Dr. Ruth as your Surgeon General !!
Doc: Glad you're aboard, but as far as Surgeon General, I was thinking more along the lines of Dr. Kevorkian. Cheers!!
I actually had a well thought out comment-full of political insight- but I forgot every damn word when I saw your picture. *SWOON*
Metalmom: You must be easily...um...swoonable. Cheers Dear!!
Matt-man, having you in the white house would definitely make politics more interesting! you forgot one little item on your drug store list - condoms. No not condiments, but condoms. and don't argue with me Mister!
Lisa: Thanks...While I highly recommend wrapping one's wanker, I refuse to legislate personal responsibility. That way, we can weed out the stupid.
Withthat being said, in my case, most women demand that I wear a full body condom. Cheers Lisa!!
Love the two fingered salute, tho it'd get you arrested in Britain. Fag and shades, check. I'm going to have to sign on as your image consultant though, that is so not the right colour, and we've got to get you into a proper windsor and loose the button down. You got the attitude, you got the tongue, baby the white house is yours.
Boy: I appreciate your help. If you do that for me I will give you complete control of all US Forces stationed in the UK. Use them as you will, birthday parties, parades, or just some good old attacks upon the meddling neighbors. Cheers!!
Will you need a Chairperson for the girl on girl action?
Just wonderin'....
OF course you have MY vote!
Real: I guess I'll have to make you Secretary of Health and HUMAN SERVICES. Cheers!!
What I want to know is if you had PANTS on in that picture??!!
Can we have sex WHILE we're voting?
Leighann: Hell No. The best thing about that picture is that I was nekkid from the waist down, and I will remain like that throughout my term.
I encourage sex while voting, that way people can cry due to joy and ecstasy rather than from the choices of candidates presented to them. Cheers!!
So, does Jenna Jameson garner a seat on your "cabinet?" I hear she's available now.
Songbird: She's persona non grata since she had her implants removed. Cheers!!
Is that a clip on tie? How'd you learn to tie that? I don't even own a tie...
Good thing I still have my double-Ds then, huh?
VE: I actually tied it myself. That's why it's messed up. But clip-on's are nice to, you oughta try one. Cheers!!
Songbird: Purrrrrrrrrrrrr. Cheers!!
Did I mention that the video lyrics are sooooo appropriate for you?
"I've decomposed yet my gut's getting fat..." Toooooo true...
Songbird: That was very, very, hurtful. Cheers!!
Oh my goodness! I love the platform and that song trumps the Celine selection of Hil's any day of the week.
Can I nominate Carson Cressley from Queer Eye for Secretary of the Interior? Detroit needs a make over.
Starr: I thought you might like the tune. I will take your suggestion under advisement, it would be nice to have someone around who knows the difference between beige, sandalwood, and ecru. Cheers!!
I must say it is about damn time you just gave me a candidate I CAN vote for, and damn you look hot in a suit.....don't tell Papa I said that, he is so the jealous type.
Even my kids like your campaign song, so when do we get yard signs and campaign buttons?????
Penelope: Well thank you for letting me know about my hotness. I won't say a word. As far as the signs and buttons, I will be working on them shortly. Cheers and Congrats on winning the poetry contest!!
Fuck the politics... I'm still stopped dead in my tracks over that picture of you. You look hot!
108: Ha...Pull my lever and vote for me Kyra. Cheers!!
And taupe, darling, never forget taupe ;)
Starr: D'oh!! See? That's why I need Cressley around. Cheers!!
Matt - you run,and I'm gonna go for dual citizenship.
You win - and I want a job in the White House. XP
And Penelope's right - you do look hot in a suit!
SNOGS
When I'm sitting in back of your slow moving road hog, I want an even more severe punishment for the idiot parked right on my rear bumper as if putting me in danger of a terminal squeeze will change the situation.
Angell: I'll put on the fast track to citizenship Angell, and my cabinet is your cabinet. Thanks and "SNOGS?"....I like the way that sounds.
Jamie: Ewwwwwww. Yeah, that's another habit of people which needs to dealt with in a most severe matter. Cheers!!
I'll vote for you Matt-Man. Sounds like you have a great plan to run this country. Loved the song by the way. When can we start killing those fuckers on the roadway? Have a great day. :)
Sandee: Why thanks...Punishment will begin as soon as we get enough sack juice drained from Vice President Pot Roast. Cheers!!
Matt-Man in the HOUSE and Irish Rose freely pouring, sounds like paradise to me.
"The Tender Trap" Thats my ex's nickname.
Al: Ooooooo, Could you introduce me to her? Cheers!!
Just dropping in to get a laugh between my tears....and I did, laugh, that is.
Peace
Odat: Glad I could help. Hang in there as best you can my friend and Peace. Cheers Buddy!!
I'll be sure to watch my fuckin' mouth around here....
I just noticed your new pic! YUM-O!
So I'm going to be on a cabinet with Jenna? SWEET!
Real: HA, thanks. If your mouth gets out of control, let me know and I'll keep it shut with mine. Cheers, and you and Jenna Enjoy!!
SAY AMEN...The exorcism has taken hold and you have seen the light...
Shaking off the bonds of the devil Satan and coming into the light...
No more will your head spin in circles and green acid spew forth from your orifices...
Again, we say Amen brother...
Bond: I do feel better, however, I still spew green liquid from some of my orifices. Cheers!!
Then I won't be living in sin anymore if you get elected! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You got my vote!
Ok, I just added your crazy @ss to my Youtube account bioottcchh!
Deb: Won't that be nice to know that you can go to heaven like us "normal" people? Thanks and please call me bioottch again, it makes me hot Deb. Cheers Lovely One!!
Promise a pocket full of free rubbers and you'll win in a landslide.
Hammer: Damn Straight, we call it the "Latex Strategy". Cheers!!
You know, I came just looking at you in that suit...
Anndi: It's nice to know that I can strenghten International Carnal Relations between our countries. Cheers!!
You do look good in that whistle!
I think all chads should be counted as votes for matt-man.
't's the best I can do from Greece.
Cathy: Thanks. You can do better than that...send me a real Gyro. Cheers Buddy!!
It's very sad when an ideal goes bye bye. I'm sorry for your pain. You'll get my sympathy vote.
Nice tie dude!
Travis: Thank you for your sympathies. It is my favorite tie. Cheers!!
Is it me, or was Nimrod Green Day's last really good album?
Also, make standing on the street with signs meant to guilt me out of my hard-earned change illegal and you have my vote!
Dog: I dunno, I like American Idiot too. But I will make folks change thier signs so that it says that only if they let you pee on them they get your change. Cheers!!
To be fair there should also be some hot man on man action... not involving any of the current administration. I don't think anybody's interested in Cheney's genitals as anything more than criminal punishment.
WTF happen I am gone one morning and you decide to run for president lol!
many a muslim has converted for the bacon....
Marilyn: Since you asked, consider it done. And no, it won't involve Cheney. Cheers!!
Roger: See? Miss a day, miss alot. Cheers!!
Um Naief: Can ya blame them? Bacon is a beautiful thing. Cheers!!
You are attracting the youth vote with that song, Matt. Kidlet gave two thumbs way up and was impressed at your usage of a lesser known track from her favorite band.
Starr: Ha...Glad she liked it. Love the Green Day. Cheers to you and Kidlet.
Check out this band Matt
http://www.myspace.com/foxborohottubs
It's Green Day in disguise going super retro garage band.
Starr: Cool. I'll check it out. Thanks!!
new pic...be still my heart....
somehow I knew there would be a break between you and Huck....let me know when your campaign comes to California...
Kat: Palpitations, have you? Yeah, the Huckster lost my soul, but when I come to Kal-Lee-For-Nee-Uh to campaign you'll be the first one that I "canvass". Cheers Kat, and glad you are home.
Julie: Sowwy.
Janna: It's scary isn't Janna? Cheers!!
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