Friday Morning, Missing Memories

Yesterday being Thursday, it was my usual day off so of course, I did what I do best...drink. Okay, what I do second best. ; )~~

So naturally, I have a hangover today as well, and some missing pieces of what transpired last night.

I didn't watch McCain's speech last night. At least I don't think I did...I just don't know.

I don't think I had sex last night. Once again...I just don't know.

But, I do have evidence of some things that definitely happened yesterday...

Schmoop rubbed her hands over my freshly shaved head.

Schmoop got ready for the ND opener on Saturday by modeling her Notre Dame wife beater...

I made brats and pasta salad...Zehr Gut!!

Oh now, I remember...I did have sex last night...Shortly after taking this picture of Schmoop as a matter of fact.

Let my hangover be cured and the party begin once again...I have today and tomorrow off as well!!

I end today with a commentary about the Sarah Palin VP pick.

This is not from me, but rather comes from two conservatives who were caught off camera talking with NBC Political Director Chuck Todd.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mike Murphy (Manager for McCain's 2000 campaign) and Peggy Noonan (former speechwriter for Reagan and Bush 41, and WSJ Columnist).

Do they think the Palin pick was wise?

Cheers!!

John McCain: Sex, Lies, and Viagra-Gate

I am having a burdensome time trying to complete my plans for my Six Flags Over Jesus Theme Park.

I am now drawing artist’s conceptions of the place, so it isn’t ready for publication. (Sorry Jahooni)

It’s just as well, because an earthquake has rumbled through the tec-electoral plates of the 2008 Presidential campaign.

Rumors and more importantly, innuendo, have implied that John McCain may have done some legislative favors for a telecommunications lobbyist back in 1999 and 2000.

If true, this would make me think much less of Senator McCain than I already do.

It is also rumored that McCain and the lobbyist in question, Vicki Iseman, may have been more than just friends in legislation. They may have been involved in a little extra-marital filibustering…

If this is true, it would make me think much more of Senator McCain than I currently do.

Let’s do the math folks…This alleged activity took place during McCain’s run for the Presidency back in 2000. He would have been about 63 years old. Iseman, who is now 40, would have been 32 years old. Zowie!!

Move over Bob Dole, there’s a new, blue pill fueled pecker in town.

I would be in awe of McCain if he indeed did put his congressional corn dog to use and offered up his pork to a young, horny lobbyist. Or should we call Vicki, a labia-ist?

In my opinion, this alleged activity would just be an example of McCain flexing his potential Presidential man-muscle in the rich tradition of past Executive Office-Holders.

Thomas Jefferson, Warren Harding, JFK, and Bill Clinton to name a few have felt the need to release some job related pressure with lovely women other than their wives.

If it was good enough for them, by God, it is good enough for John McCain…That is so very American.

I don’t blame McCain for lusting after a younger woman. Running for President and being a high-profile Senator can really back up one’s nether regions.

I don’t blame Vicki Iseman either.

I mean, which starry-eyed 32 year old political groupie and corporate interest concubine wouldn’t want to take a hot, slow ride on the McCain Straight Talk Express?

Not a one...and furthermore folks, to add some possibility to this entire Vicki Iseman scenario having actually taken place, remember this:

You can’t spell "Iseman", without “Seman”.

One final note of amusement and irony. I want to thank the fine folks at The Sacrament.Com for running my video interpretation of Old Time God on their site.

The Sacrament.Com site is a sacrament information and Christian resource website. Who knew that they would have such a sense of humor? But to that Godly Group, once again, thanks!!

See you tomorrow Bagwine Heads…

Cheers!!

The Huck Is Dead, Hail To The Matt-Man

Sad news folks…A schism has developed between Mike Huckabee and me. I don’t want to go into too much detail, but it involves me finding out that he wants to turn the United States of America into the Evangelical Republic of Christanistan

Monday night in Michigan, Huckabee said the following: "what we need to do is to amend the Constitution so it's in God's standards rather than try to change God's standards…" I feel so naïve. I thought he just liked God, I didn’t know that he wanted to be God.

Therefore, I have decided to break ranks with the Huckster and throw my hat into the race and become your next President of the United States of America. To wit and heretofore is my platform regarding my candidacy:

I will not only promote and sign a bill legalizing gay marriage, I will initiate a program educating the public on homosexual relations by mandating that every Friday, in every town square, public displays of hot, sweaty, naked chick on chick action take place.

No, it’s not a horny guy thing. Many of you know that I want to have a sex change and become a lesbian, so you should know that it’s not just a baseless man fantasy. Consider it more like a Muslim who converts to Christianity so he can enjoy the greasy goodness that is bacon thing.

Safe sex? Yeah soccer moms that’s great, but I will be promoting more sex.

There are many of my brethren out there who have a tough time trying to get laid. As a man of the deprived, I will correct that. All drug stores will be equipped with a mandatory check-out line display containing the following:

Tequila, Vodka, Viagra, and RU-488.

Drinking the Tequila and Vodka will help the man look good to the woman, the Viagra will help the poor schlep gets his rusty pecker up, and the morning after pill will solve the problems of the next-day drunken regret and fertilization.

President Matt-Man…solving the problem of backed up prostates and the rising out of wedlock birth rate.

One of the greatest problems facing our nation is people who drive slowly in the passing lane and do not use their turn signals. Many of my supporters have called for the death penalty for these egregious violations. I say that this vile offense needs a punishment far, far harsher.

I say that these road rule rejects should be subjected to drinking the moisture collected from the sweaty, dewey, drippage of Dick Cheney’s nutsack during his daily six hour steam bath. "Follow the law or taste Dick’s balls." It’s up to you.

As far as foreign policy goes I will be setting up an International Summit that will bring all nations to the table of diplomacy. We need to feed the hunger that is world peace. How do we feed that hunger? By inviting representatives from nations to my “Peace Through Fried Spam and Velveeta" forum.

Sure there are other things I would do such as renaming the Oval Office “The Tender Trap”, guarding our border with Mexico with a brigade of invisibly well-armed mimes, and moving the nation’s capital from Washington, D.C. to Canandaigua, NY., home of Wild Irish Rose, but I think you gather my direction for this country.

So with that, I hope you support my candidacy, and I leave you with this…My campaign theme song. Enjoy.

I'm Matt-Man, Bitch...and I approved This Message...

Cheers!!