As I said last night/early this morning, if I am to run for President I must make the public aware of some of the darker times and not so acceptable actions that I have perpetrated during my life.
I must bring to light the skeletons in my closet.
Far too many candidates make the mistake of not disclosing such things and it comes back to bite them on the campaign ass at the most inopportune times.
I am letting you know about my past so when people ask about my actions you will have full knowledge and will be able to react.
So my friends and supporters, here are some of those very things to which I allude…
One summer, years ago, the High School Marching Band was having practice prior to the school year. It was 90 degrees out. Dressed in a ski and a hooded sweatshirt, I charged down the hill overlooking the practice field and hurled a 2 pound goose egg at the band director.
The yolk-filled ova of the Branta Canadensis impacted square upon his abundant ass, and I safely ran from the scene. I deeply regret this action, but it does prove that I can launch an invasion and execute a successful exit strategy.
At the age of 15, shortly after having my first awkward sexual relations with a girl, she dumped me. After explaining my despondency and lack of confidence to her mom (who was incredibly hot and buxom), her mom and I engaged in “carnal education sessions” over the course of the next several weeks.
Some may call this statutory rape, I call it proof of my ability to bounce back from humiliation, restore my status, and store away crucial information to be used at a later date for shall we say, "leverage".
Being the nice guy that I am, in my college days I took my room mate Joe out for a night on the town. This included dinner and all he could drink at the bars on the town strip.
I was always broke during those days, and Joe wondered how I managed such an act of kindness. The next morning, much to his chagrin, I told him that I was able to afford such a night of debauchery because I had sold his textbooks.
Is this stealing? Is it underhanded? NO!! It merely demonstrates that in tough fiscal times I do what is necessary to deliver to the public what they need…even if it requires stealing food from the mouth of a starving child in order to finance my Inauguration Bash. I am resourceful, dammit.
I have shown my international relations experience by impersonating a German foreign exchange student in order to get some chick to have sex with me. How did it go, you ask? Three words, "Ach Du Fucking Lieber!!"
I have proven my ability to deal with terrorists, by giving it back to an annoying window installation firm.
After several late night calls from them, I set up an appointment for an estimate. It wasn’t until several angry calls from the company and the sales rep driving around for 90 minutes looking for my house did I tell them that I lived in an apartment building. Matt-Man: 1 Terrorists: 0.
Sure there are more skeletons to throw out, but I, being the perceptive man that I am, am cognizant of the attention spans of my readers. So until tomorrow, and Stream of Consciousness Friiiiday, I bid you adieu and…
Cheers!!
51 comments:
Ability to bounce back from adversity, Defeating terrorism, good fiscal poilcy... Just what I am looking for in a candidate.
When is your first big rally?
Doc: Thank you and as soon as I can get Green Day, Jessica Alba, and Beyonce to agree on a date, we shall have one helluva campaign bash.
Wow talk about cleaning out your closet! Your just as good as any other candidate, in my humble opinion I know for a fact some dick head is going to be elected President!
Roger: And to that I say, "Let me be that Dickhead." Cheers Roger!!
But did you swallow ... ummm ... I mean inhale?
You have my vote! You can do all that AND cook!
But you make no mention of the thong panties...hmmm..I don't call that full disclosure.
Dana: What good is it if you don't? I am not one to waste. Cheers!!
Metal: I'm a Renaissance Man. Cheers!!
Songbird: When I wear my thong I wear it backwards and thus making myself FULLY disclosed. Cheers!!
I am with Desert in that I find there has been a lack of disclosure regarding the thong issue. The candidate has tossed off a vague explanation but I feel the American public deserves a more in depth explanation.
With pictures :P
Starr: If necessary I will post pictures of me in a thong in order to boost my "pole numbers". Cheers!!
Band camp, forbidden sex, creative finance, and helpful foreign relations... what more could you want in a candidate??
And a sharp dresser to boot!
Maybe you can come clean out my closests...
But you still haven't explained to us why you prefer to wear women's thongs over men's.
Spill it, Matty. Inquiring minds need to know the truth.
Yeah, what Desert said. Is it practicality, texture, a kinky thing...what?
Cheesy: I hope that "cleaning out your closets" is a euphemism for having passionate sex with you. Cheers!!
Songbird: No big mystery...I just like to feel "pretty". Cheers!!
Starr: It's the feel of silk against my boys. They may as well be comfortable while they're sweaty and lonely. Cheers!!
I want to party (er, campaign) with you. though I'm really not sure about your thong thing.
Lisa: There's plenty of room set aside fo ryou on The Matt-Man Campaign Express. You can always wear the thong, I'm sure you can do it much more justice than I. Cheers!!
I, too am betting that there's more to them man panties than you're saying. (nods head)
Spill it.
Real: Too late...I "spilled" it when I saw your sexy picture pop up in my comments. Cheers!!
Why do I have this funny feeling that those really are yours and not Schmoops?
TB: I can't...er, will not answer that, and as soon as elected, I will make sure that that information becomes classified. Cheers!!
You've got my vote just as soon as I see pictures of you in those shiny skivvies!
You sold your buddies textbooks and then used the money to take him out on the town? That's bloody brilliant! LOL
Leighann: If it takes me to wear those and present myself to you saying, "Ecce Homo" to get your vote...So be it. Cheers!!
Jay: Ha. I thought of you when I posted that. It reminded me of your banner and booze stealing college buddy that you posted about the other day. Cheers!!
It just reminds me of those over the top Christian republicans who get caught with their pants down.................
in the men's bathroom.
Just saying. ;)
"Give without expectations" as you said today on my post. Hrmm.
Deb: They just have wide stances. And yes, I try to live by that quote. Cheers Deb!!
Jay: By the way, my friend was initially pissed, but he quickly acknowledged the rude brilliance of my actions. Cheers!!
I'm ready when you are!
Leighann: When the time is right. It's all about TIME-ing, um time-ING...er timing. Cheers!!
Yeah, you know I like an honest candidate....about time they say what is true and not worry about the backlash...oh and I am making your campaign photo into my Bagwine link graphic...I think you are sharpe dressed man!!!
Penelope: The truth shall set you free. Or the very least, be the catalyst for scorn and ridicule. Thanks fo rthe kudos. Cheers!!
HOT!!! you cranked down her mom? about the closest i came to that was finger banging my ex boyfriends sister.
Tequila: I was not quite 16 and she was 36 and hot. Unfortunately, looking back, it may have been the peak of my sexual prowess. Cheers!!
Okay, I'm waiting for you to ask us for money. That's coming isn't it or are you independently wealthy. You sure didn't have all the bad stuff that I thought might be in your closet... I'm sure there is more. You are sick Matt-Man so you have my vote. Have a great day. :)
I'm not sure how I feel about the textbook thing but I'm tempted to move to an apartment just to get back at the window companies myself.
Sandee: I would never ask for money subliminaly $$ or otherwise.. I didn't think $$ those things were $$ too bad. And yes, $$ there is more, but nothing $$ major. Thank $$ you for your support. $$ Cheers!!
marilyn: It was priceless. Try it, you'll like it. Cheers!!
I think having an honest president for once would be REFRESH- Hey, where'd my wallet go?!
Tink: I didn't mean to grab your wallet I was just trying to cop a feel. Sorry. Cheers!!
See I totally see you as more the creative cigar use president versus the Enron lovin president. I buy the cop a feel line.
Starr: You know me so well. Cheers!!
If you're going to model those panties, for the love of God, plaes make sure you tuck everthing behind the silk. Some things should really remain a mystery.
Jeff: The potential problems you mentioned have been solved and the pictures have been taken. Cheers!!
That's why we love ya, Matt. You put a whole new spin on caucusing ;)
Starr: I love to cockuss. Cheers Baby!!
Ah! An excellent confession in the genre of St. Augustine, Henry Miller, and Frank Harris. Still, Matt-Man, no matter what you future revelations, I believe the media will dig and dig to discover what you have not confessed.
Nick: I'll try to get it all out of me. Lent is just three weeks away so that may help. Cheers!!
now, i read this and was all set to campaign for you and then i get to the end and see the picture from you last post and it appears you are standing outside a jail cell and that worries me
Bond: I was just there to bail out a friend. I am such a giver. Cheers!!
I just skipped this one cause I don't actually wear underwear...
Kat: Why do you torture me so? Cheers!!
Hmmmm so you really DID sell your buddy's books? I think i read that a loooong time ago.
Julie: Yes I did, and yes you did. Cheers!!
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