Matt-Man's Presidential Campaign: Tossing The Skeletons From My Closet

As I said last night/early this morning, if I am to run for President I must make the public aware of some of the darker times and not so acceptable actions that I have perpetrated during my life.

I must bring to light the skeletons in my closet.

Far too many candidates make the mistake of not disclosing such things and it comes back to bite them on the campaign ass at the most inopportune times.

I am letting you know about my past so when people ask about my actions you will have full knowledge and will be able to react.
So my friends and supporters, here are some of those very things to which I allude…

One summer, years ago, the High School Marching Band was having practice prior to the school year. It was 90 degrees out. Dressed in a ski and a hooded sweatshirt, I charged down the hill overlooking the practice field and hurled a 2 pound goose egg at the band director.

The yolk-filled ova of the Branta Canadensis impacted square upon his abundant ass, and I safely ran from the scene. I deeply regret this action, but it does prove that I can launch an invasion and execute a successful exit strategy.

At the age of 15, shortly after having my first awkward sexual relations with a girl, she dumped me. After explaining my despondency and lack of confidence to her mom (who was incredibly hot and buxom), her mom and I engaged in “carnal education sessions” over the course of the next several weeks.

Some may call this statutory rape, I call it proof of my ability to bounce back from humiliation, restore my status, and store away crucial information to be used at a later date for shall we say, "leverage".

Being the nice guy that I am, in my college days I took my room mate Joe out for a night on the town. This included dinner and all he could drink at the bars on the town strip.

I was always broke during those days, and Joe wondered how I managed such an act of kindness. The next morning, much to his chagrin, I told him that I was able to afford such a night of debauchery because I had sold his textbooks.

Is this stealing? Is it underhanded? NO!! It merely demonstrates that in tough fiscal times I do what is necessary to deliver to the public what they need…even if it requires stealing food from the mouth of a starving child in order to finance my Inauguration Bash. I am resourceful, dammit.

I have shown my international relations experience by impersonating a German foreign exchange student in order to get some chick to have sex with me. How did it go, you ask? Three words, "Ach Du Fucking Lieber!!"

I have proven my ability to deal with terrorists, by giving it back to an annoying window installation firm.

After several late night calls from them, I set up an appointment for an estimate. It wasn’t until several angry calls from the company and the sales rep driving around for 90 minutes looking for my house did I tell them that I lived in an apartment building. Matt-Man: 1 Terrorists: 0.

Sure there are more skeletons to throw out, but I, being the perceptive man that I am, am cognizant of the attention spans of my readers. So until tomorrow, and Stream of Consciousness Friiiiday, I bid you adieu and…

Cheers!!